Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird friend situation - WIBU

51 replies

FunnyBunnys · 25/04/2024 10:25

DH and I are (were) friends with this couple. We used to see them a few times a month for drinks, and they would hang out together, DW and I would hang out alone.

After lockdown, the wife was having a bit of a hard time and had long covid. I totally stepped up and offered a lot of help, and used to say I'd take her out, for coffee, a walk or anything else she needed. Every message was rebuffed and in the end I stopped messaging her as I felt like a bit of a stalker plus I also saw her out and about with other people.

Months later I bumped into them both and they told me they'd not been in touch as she'd been having a hard time and only wanted her good friends around her for support. At some point they'll be in touch. I just smiled and listened, and when leaving just said take care, or something like that.

Obviously I didn't give enough empathy or sympathy to their situation as since then they have both ignored DH and I when out and about, and on one occasion were really rude to my DH. My DH came home quite unnerved and said the man openly ignored him and gave him a filthy look.

All I can think of is that I wasn't fawning all over them when I saw them. I messaged her a lot, she didn't want my help, so I backed off. I saw her about with others, and so I left it.

WIBU here? Also WWYD. I don't want this bloke being rude to my DH.

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 25/04/2024 10:28

Fuck em...and block

You are not one of their "good friends*

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 25/04/2024 10:30

Wow what unpleasant people. I would be relieved I'm not seen as a "good friend"

Stay well away and blank in future OP! You've dodged a bullet there

LoveWine123 · 25/04/2024 10:30

There is nothing really to do, just move on with your lives and forget about them. You can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can choose to ignore them now it’s clear they are not your friends.

Ohnobackagain · 25/04/2024 10:31

@FunnyBunnys so you tried to help and later they said they only wanted ‘good friends’ around? That’s a bit rude and I’d just leave them to it. As for DH, well he was friends with the bloke and he needs to deal with them if he bumps into them - different if you’re together. Just limit contact and don’t engage with them.

Hillarious · 25/04/2024 10:33

Some people are just strange. I had a mum at DC school do this to me, and isolate me from others. No idea why, and I've just moved on.

Ponoka7 · 25/04/2024 10:35

If he looks at your DH nastily again then DH needs to ask him what the problem is. Did both of you just phone for a chat, rather than wanting an up in the air trip out?

mondaytosunday · 25/04/2024 10:36

Why do you think it's something you did (or didn't) do? They have made their feelings clear. For whatever reason don't want to be friends anymore. Let it go.

Stainglasses · 25/04/2024 10:40

This doesn’t sound like it was your problem. However, it sounds like you might have changed in your attitude towards her once she wasn’t taking your offers of help if you backed off / withdrew very noticeably?

Mothership4two · 25/04/2024 10:47

If your account and timeline is completely accurate OP, then I would assume something has happened somewhere along the line that has annoyed them. You are assuming that it is something to do with your reaction when you spoke to them, but that is all that is, your assumptions, it could be something else altogether, and to me that scenario doesn't make much sense. Saying they only wanted good friends around ie not you is, I feel, a bit rude and sounds pointed (to me) and that they will be in touch 'at some point' sounds like a brush off. Maybe you contacting them a lot with offers of help (if that's what you did) felt overwhelming or OTT to them? Or it could have been something else. You tried to be a good friend. The husband's attitude of being rude and glaring is obviously totally unreasonable, as is them not talking to you if they have a problem. I doubt you will get to the bottom of this and sounds like you and they are now ex-friends.

Bumblingbee101 · 25/04/2024 10:51

It was kind that you offered your support but there is clearly more to this. E.g. with them. Don't give it head space. Next time openly ask what the problem is as you wanted to support but respected her space when asked. Then you acknowledged they will contact you when ready. Absolutely no need for rudeness on their behalf no matter how hard it is. 🫂

ToxicChristmas · 25/04/2024 10:59

I'd laugh if I was DH. A grown adult giving dirty looks is just pathetic. Let them get on with it. If they can't manage to tell you what's wrong that's their problem, not yours. I'd continue to smile and say hello when I saw them and pretend I hadn't noticed the outrage. The dig about good friends tells you all you need to know about if you really want them as friends.

Original poster
FunnyBunnys · 25/04/2024 11:12

Yep, grown adults in their 50’s.

Looking out for each other, in our 50’s, just by texting to see if you are OK, need anything just ask sort of thing. Not OTT I don’t think.

When they said they just wanted good friends round them, I wasn’t upset or offended, I just went, “ok then”, “sure”, and when told they’d be in touch when ready I just went “ok”. My response was tepid, but not rude. I’m too long in the tooth for year 7 melodramas with other people.

I’m annoyed at the snub to my DH. He’s a really nice bloke. He’d never treat anyone like that.

I do plan on being bright and breezy when I see them, a smile and a hello.

It’s weird and childish and I’ve no patience for it.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 25/04/2024 11:24

I think this is one of those situations where you just have to shrug and do nothing and accept the friendship is over.

It sounds to me as if something offended her/them just before she got long Covid, and that was why she kept 'rebuffing' your offers of support, thinking you'd take the hint. Then when you stopped messaging they thought you'd got the picture, so when you bumped into them they felt awkward and just thought 'Christ, can we not just let this dead friendship go?'

It's always weird and frustrating to know that someone is pissed off with you, but to have no idea why, so I do sympathise! And frankly, these people do sound nuts; they've handled all this really weirdly.

But, as The Doors sang, people are strange. I think you just have to accept you'll never really know what the problem was. I don't there's anything to be gained by trying to pursue it. I would just completely ignore them if you happen to see them out and about.

What did they actually say to your DH? There's 'rude' as in, eg, replying to a hello with 'Eesh, leave us alone' and there's 'rude' as in 'I'd rather boil my own dick than talk to an arsehole like you, fuck off and die'. I realise that, in the big scheme of things, it's rotten for your DH either way - but was thinking the level of unpleasantness might be a clue as to the intensity of the situation!

KreedKafer · 25/04/2024 11:27

Just wanted to add that quite often when people post about this kind of thing, I immediately get the sense that the OP was being really clingy/pushy/intense and the friend just didn't know how to tell them to back off... but your post is one of the few where I really don't get the impression that this was the case! You don't sound OTT to me.

Mothership4two · 25/04/2024 11:28

@KreedKafer

I think this is one of those situations where you just have to shrug and do nothing and accept the friendship is over.

It sounds to me as if something offended her/them just before she got long Covid, and that was why she kept 'rebuffing' your offers of support, thinking you'd take the hint. Then when you stopped messaging they thought you'd got the picture, so when you bumped into them they felt awkward and just thought 'Christ, can we not just let this dead friendship go?'

That was my take too

SomethingUniqueThisTime · 25/04/2024 11:42

I agree something happened around the time the friend became ill with Covid, possibly something your DH said or did.
Did he (maybe) have a different attitude to Covid, is he a Covid denier, anti-vaxer, or sceptical about the existence of Long Covid. Has another friend or acquaintance reported something he said about her illness.
I think the ‘good friend’ comment is fairly telling.

Couldyounot · 25/04/2024 11:51

No great loss to you by the sound of it, OP

CorylusAgain · 25/04/2024 11:52

We all have different zones of closeness in friendships. Is it possible that her zone of closest friends is smaller / different from yours? When she said "only our good friends " she might have meant closest.

That doesn't excuse rudeness or not responding to messages, but it doesn't necessarily mean you've "done something wrong".

If losing this friendship doesn't impact on your social life just get on happily without it or treat it as a lesser friendship/acquaintanceship and not make a particular effort.

mindutopia · 25/04/2024 12:02

It sounds like she was unwell and burnout and couldn't quite cope with the hassle of maintaining extra friendships and just sort of let it all naturally come to an end. That's okay. I think you're taking this a bit personally.

It doesn't sound like they were rude to your dh, just didn't really acknowledge him in a friendly way. Sometimes people don't want to talk or just want to get on with what they're doing.

But it sounds like the friend was trying to make it clear she didn't really want your help - probably she was exhausted by all the attempts to communicate. Sometimes when you are unwell, people do have a tendency to try to insert themselves into 'helper' roles and it can be a bit much. People sometimes just need to be left alone and not have to explain themselves or rebuff people trying to do things for them. You may have felt like you were just trying to help, but it's quite possible she was swamped by the same from lots of people in her life and was quite overwhelmed.

It just doesn't sound like you're friends anymore. That's okay. Just carry on and enjoy your own close friendships and try not to take it too personally.

Whalewatching · 25/04/2024 12:28

Yeah I’d say something ‘happened’ during covid. As in, they felt you did or didn’t do something. I’m not saying you’re wrong, quite the contrary. People got very caught up in their own shit but we all had different problems or experiences of lockdown. Maybe they thought you should’ve ’done more’ but quite frankly, we all had different things on our plate. As a previous poster asked, did you have anti-vax opinions or anything like that? Do they think they caught Covid from you or something like that? In any case they are behaving very childishly and I would be inclined to leave them to it and try to not let it take up too much headspace.

CommentNow · 25/04/2024 12:43

FunnyBunnys · 25/04/2024 11:12

Yep, grown adults in their 50’s.

Looking out for each other, in our 50’s, just by texting to see if you are OK, need anything just ask sort of thing. Not OTT I don’t think.

When they said they just wanted good friends round them, I wasn’t upset or offended, I just went, “ok then”, “sure”, and when told they’d be in touch when ready I just went “ok”. My response was tepid, but not rude. I’m too long in the tooth for year 7 melodramas with other people.

I’m annoyed at the snub to my DH. He’s a really nice bloke. He’d never treat anyone like that.

I do plan on being bright and breezy when I see them, a smile and a hello.

It’s weird and childish and I’ve no patience for it.

Edited

@FunnyBunnys I'm pettier than yu and I'd start making lots of plans with mutual friends and exclude them. They'll soon come running and you can enjoy saying thanks but no thanks.

Dogmum45 · 25/04/2024 12:57

Lockdown did weird things to people.
I let a few ‘friendships’ go after being ghosted/ignored and lied to.

DH & I still bump into 1 couple a few times a week at various kids sporting activities.
We all totally ignore each other now.
DH had more patience than me and tried to chat to them randomly but even he has given up.

YANBU… just don’t interact with them again.

Americano75 · 25/04/2024 13:00

They sound insufferable.

WB205020 · 25/04/2024 13:12

@FunnyBunnys You are better off without them in your lives TBH.
The situation with your DH and him sounds odd. Im sure your DH can address it if it happens again but it all depends on how confrontational he is. Is he the type to call him out on it of just ignore?

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 25/04/2024 13:16

People are weird. It does sound like because you just accepted them at their word and didn’t beg to be their bestie they are put out.
Better off without their drama.