Random racial slur & then insults my dd3

[Shockedandsadnow]

So, I've changed my name for this. Sorry also... Its a long one.

Today, my male friend and i were coming back from a diy shop from getting parts for a job he's doing to my home.

Back story 1st actually ...
He's a bit of an annoying wind up Merchant... But to the point it can go to far and bring the atmosphere of a room really low. It's like he doesn't catch on when to stop due to it becoming rude, offensive, an argument etc... Because he's crossed the line... If that makes sense. He then will turn it around as if it was the person's fault for taking offence... He thinks and says what he's thinking with NO FILTER! (he does have A.D.D though)

Me and the friend, have for the past couple of months, taken things beyond the "friends" barrier at times, but it has not progressed beyond those moments. He's nice at times BUT, the more I see him... (1-2 times a month) and have got to know him... I'm just becoming put off him in every way possible.

I'm mixed race... (Caribbean /white) .... He is white.

So, coming back from diy shop.. I'm slowing down as we are approaching traffic lights, but they are about to turn green. We are passing a bus stop where there is a black women waiting for a bus.
He then opens the window a little, turns and looks at her and makes monkey noises as we are slowly passing her!!! He was not loud enough for her to hear.. THANK GOD but then as we passed, he closed his window and starts laughing.

I'm just gobsmacked! I'm mortified! I'm embarrassed! I'm offended!

He looks at me and was like... "it's only a joke, it's not like she heard me".... "Oooo... Have a wound you up... Are you biting? are you?"... And continues laughing!

I was like... "I'M RIGHT HERE... WTF! why did you do that?"
He carried on with the whole "Oooo you offended ooooo"

I just kept repeating "that's so wrong... I'm right here, look at me.... I heard you!!! ... Why would you do that? Why would you say that? You are just wrong"

I'm literally shocked. I'm still shocked.

We get back home and im just constantly repeating it over and over the 2 mins left of the journey. I'm Just shaking my head for the entirety of it to.

He then says, why you offended? I never said it to you. She didn't hear... I did it so she didn't hear... You know this... Do you honestly think I'm the sort of man who would say anything in that way...??

I'm like... "YOU JUST DID !"

He just kept making out that I'm wrong for taking offence, it was a joke, I take things to seriously, It wasn't said to me. I should chill. That he's not that way and I'm wrong to think he is... Etc.

I'm honestly just shocked.

He has a mixed race son of 10yo.
Him and myself are kinda taking things extremely slow, but getting to know one another... And he does this!

Whenever he says something and I take offence, he then twists it that it's my fault for letting it bother me.
Or
If I react a particular way, he makes out that im wrong and tells me how he would of and that maybe I should of done that instead
And
He just constantly makes out its his way and no other way can be entertained cos it's wrong and not "adult"... But with pretty much everything..

He then an hour or so later insulted my youngest dd, age 3..to my face and in front of her (about a particular body part) and was laughing for about 5 mins... Insult after insult.. Tease after tease and laughing. Pointing and laughing.
I took my daughter away from him then and stayed silent. (the job he was doing was outside the house) He left shortly after he finished the job.
I didn't know what to say. I was raging!! I don't like confrontation in anyway but this was just........ 😡😠😡

I've literally just come off the call to him about it as I needed to say something... But I had to calmed down 1st to discuss the matter without my anger taking lead.
(I've always done this... I don't wanna say something in the moment that I can't take back because of hurt, anger etc)

He's literally said that I should of said something then as he didn't know I took offence. It was not something I SHOULD OF taken offence to neither. It was just a joke. I'm just being sensitive. Do I honestly think he would mean anything malicious towards a child?!? That I need to really think about the person he his and not take judgement like the way I do.

Both of these in a space of 4 ish hours!!
Wtaf!!!

AIBU to think this way? Am I being like what he's saying? Am I sensitive? Am I just missing the joke?... What actually IS the joke please??

These are just the 2 situations of a few I could mention.. But these have happened today... So they are very fresh and still raw.

I've never met/known a person that makes me doubt every single thing I say/think. That critics everything and puts his opinion on it. Then finishes it with... "well, that's what I'd do, but you go ahead".... It just makes me 2nd guess everything. It's a horrible feeling.

My gut and head are thinking the same... He's not to be looked at in anything more than... "you've paid him for work to be done, let him finish it then run away"

AIBU to think/feel the way I am right now?

I don't even know what your AIBU is

Literally the easiest and most straightforward dilemma ever

So he's racist and insults your child.
That's not a desirable or attractive trait in a partner.
Dump and block, job done.

What else is there to say?

I think you know the answer, OP.
He’s a dickhead.

I've never felt so enraged I've gasped for breath reading a thread. He is an absolute cunt and you need to remove him from you life.

What a fucking ignorant racist little prick.

Do NOT let him gaslight you that this is in any way shape or form about you being offended.

He needs a blady good hiding.

Bin him off.
Job done.

Excuse me, Ricky Gervais is NOT racist.

An appropriate response would have been to kick him out of your car then and there and never speak to speak him again. I appreciate that in the moment it's very difficult to know what to do. You've missed the opportunity to kick him out the car, but you can definitely never speak to him again.

Block him. Never see him again. If he won't leave you alone, call the police and report him for harassment.

Contact your landlord and tell them that unfortunately this workman has made racist remarks towards you and you don't want him back.

He’d had been told to get the fuck out of my car there and then! He wouldn’t have even made it back to my house!

I was once at the cinema with family and everyone walking towards the exit as the film finished and there was a teenage (age 15ish) couple, (white male and mixed race female) the male in the couple saw a younger black child (10ish) and out of nowhere just started chanting monkey sounds at him, I was stunned and absolutely furious, asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. Asked the young girl if he was her friend and she said he’s actually my boyfriend. I advised her to run very far, very quickly!

Basically he is racist and a manipulator. He does not like your reactions to his actions. Yeah get him out of your life

😱

I would have reported him to the police. What an idiot. Don’t let him in your house or life again.

Why would you waste another second of your life on this racist idiot. I wouldn't consider being his friend never mind anything else.

@Shockedandsadnow He’s an absolute Scrote.
What a vile specimen of humanity.

Drop this idiot like a ton of bricks and move on.
Raise the bar with friends in future!

I agree. In a way, it would be even more revolting, because it would be more two faced. I am mixed race but white passing, and have had some awful comments made to me about Black and Asian people by white people who thought that I am also white. These people do not think of themselves as racist and would not have said those things in front of the people they were mocking. Bit of an eye opener.

This was the first thought that jumped into my head when I read your post.

He's going to do your 'flipping head in'......

You point out that your OP is long, but it doesn't need to be. You could stop at the bit with the monkey noises, that's all we (and you) need to know. Dealbreaker.

Sorry if I went to hard on you. 💖

My son had the N word screamed at him when he was 4. I sometimes hate people...

I like the sound of your mum!

He sounds as thick as shit, and unpleasant with it.

Block him and never see him again. Simple!

Get rid. I have ADD and sometimes blurt out what I'm thinking, but I don't say horrible racist things because I don't think them in the first place. It really isn't an excuse.

Is this even real? Why would OP even be doubting herself? He’s awful. His poor child.

I would never speak to that person again, and I'm white.

He sounds absolutely disgusting and the absolute epitome of a gas lighter.

You're off your head if you ever let that racist prick near you or your child ever again, in any capacity.

Also it doesn’t matter whether you’re mixed race or not or whether it was in front of you or not, he shouldn’t have done it.

My DH was told something awfully misogynist by another man and shut him down straight away. He didn’t need to be a woman to realise the guy was a cunt. There’s just right and wrong and once you’re over the age of about 6 you know where that line is.

Are you being serious!! Wtaf!
I've come out of an horrendous 15 year marriage of abuse in all manners... To say I've lost my own thoughts is putting mildly. I was controlled with everything... So before you pass judgement... Understand not everyone has had an easy life!

Once you've dumped him, you could report him to the police for a racist hate crime too.

There's a life lesson here about how abusers and bullies try to make themselves innocent and you the guilty party. So he's inadvertently done one tiny good thing, the racist prick.