Random racial slur & then insults my dd3

[Shockedandsadnow]

So, I've changed my name for this. Sorry also... Its a long one.

Today, my male friend and i were coming back from a diy shop from getting parts for a job he's doing to my home.

Back story 1st actually ...
He's a bit of an annoying wind up Merchant... But to the point it can go to far and bring the atmosphere of a room really low. It's like he doesn't catch on when to stop due to it becoming rude, offensive, an argument etc... Because he's crossed the line... If that makes sense. He then will turn it around as if it was the person's fault for taking offence... He thinks and says what he's thinking with NO FILTER! (he does have A.D.D though)

Me and the friend, have for the past couple of months, taken things beyond the "friends" barrier at times, but it has not progressed beyond those moments. He's nice at times BUT, the more I see him... (1-2 times a month) and have got to know him... I'm just becoming put off him in every way possible.

I'm mixed race... (Caribbean /white) .... He is white.

So, coming back from diy shop.. I'm slowing down as we are approaching traffic lights, but they are about to turn green. We are passing a bus stop where there is a black women waiting for a bus.
He then opens the window a little, turns and looks at her and makes monkey noises as we are slowly passing her!!! He was not loud enough for her to hear.. THANK GOD but then as we passed, he closed his window and starts laughing.

I'm just gobsmacked! I'm mortified! I'm embarrassed! I'm offended!

He looks at me and was like... "it's only a joke, it's not like she heard me".... "Oooo... Have a wound you up... Are you biting? are you?"... And continues laughing!

I was like... "I'M RIGHT HERE... WTF! why did you do that?"
He carried on with the whole "Oooo you offended ooooo"

I just kept repeating "that's so wrong... I'm right here, look at me.... I heard you!!! ... Why would you do that? Why would you say that? You are just wrong"

I'm literally shocked. I'm still shocked.

We get back home and im just constantly repeating it over and over the 2 mins left of the journey. I'm Just shaking my head for the entirety of it to.

He then says, why you offended? I never said it to you. She didn't hear... I did it so she didn't hear... You know this... Do you honestly think I'm the sort of man who would say anything in that way...??

I'm like... "YOU JUST DID !"

He just kept making out that I'm wrong for taking offence, it was a joke, I take things to seriously, It wasn't said to me. I should chill. That he's not that way and I'm wrong to think he is... Etc.

I'm honestly just shocked.

He has a mixed race son of 10yo.
Him and myself are kinda taking things extremely slow, but getting to know one another... And he does this!

Whenever he says something and I take offence, he then twists it that it's my fault for letting it bother me.
Or
If I react a particular way, he makes out that im wrong and tells me how he would of and that maybe I should of done that instead
And
He just constantly makes out its his way and no other way can be entertained cos it's wrong and not "adult"... But with pretty much everything..

He then an hour or so later insulted my youngest dd, age 3..to my face and in front of her (about a particular body part) and was laughing for about 5 mins... Insult after insult.. Tease after tease and laughing. Pointing and laughing.
I took my daughter away from him then and stayed silent. (the job he was doing was outside the house) He left shortly after he finished the job.
I didn't know what to say. I was raging!! I don't like confrontation in anyway but this was just........ 😡😠😡

I've literally just come off the call to him about it as I needed to say something... But I had to calmed down 1st to discuss the matter without my anger taking lead.
(I've always done this... I don't wanna say something in the moment that I can't take back because of hurt, anger etc)

He's literally said that I should of said something then as he didn't know I took offence. It was not something I SHOULD OF taken offence to neither. It was just a joke. I'm just being sensitive. Do I honestly think he would mean anything malicious towards a child?!? That I need to really think about the person he his and not take judgement like the way I do.

Both of these in a space of 4 ish hours!!
Wtaf!!!

AIBU to think this way? Am I being like what he's saying? Am I sensitive? Am I just missing the joke?... What actually IS the joke please??

These are just the 2 situations of a few I could mention.. But these have happened today... So they are very fresh and still raw.

I've never met/known a person that makes me doubt every single thing I say/think. That critics everything and puts his opinion on it. Then finishes it with... "well, that's what I'd do, but you go ahead".... It just makes me 2nd guess everything. It's a horrible feeling.

My gut and head are thinking the same... He's not to be looked at in anything more than... "you've paid him for work to be done, let him finish it then run away"

AIBU to think/feel the way I am right now?

He’s a fucking awful human being - you’re way too good him @Shockedandsadnow

Ditch him, that’s horrible behaviour.

YABVU to consider this man a friend.
He's a racist twat, can't see why you'd tolerate the likes of him in your or - worse - your child's life.

Please don't excuse this behaviour as anything to do with ADD. It's not.

He's not a good person, and he is harmful for you, your daughter and your loved ones to be around.

Cut him off.

So hang on. Your landlord is lying this guy to the repairs? And you also hope that your LL finds a new repair man soon....

Is this guy the LL's own repair man? Or did you find this guy you know and the LL is paying him while he looks for a new permanent repair contractor?

If you know this guy only because the LL is sending him round, you need to let the LL know that this man is racist and unprofessional.

PAYING him to do the repairs...

YADNBU. Don't doubt yourself and so sorry you had to listen to this racist idiot.

What struck most in this whole sorry affair is the fact he insulted your young DD over and over again (wether she understood or not is beside the point because you did!), pointing to whatever body part and laughing at her AND you stood there and took it. You said NOTHING. Instead, you were shaking? why are there so many spineless women who stand there and take this kind of abuse? That's the point you should have screamed at him to get out! It's not all the time that speaking in anger is bad, unless of course you want him back.

he is a racist cunt

get him out of your life

I feel really sad for his son

YABU! The people that wind me up more than annoying ‘wind up merchants’ are people who enable them.

The minute he made those noises, I would pullover and kick him out of my car. No second guessing, because he’d be arguing with the view of me going down the road.

Then he’s nasty to your child, MORE THAN ONCE… IN YOUR HOUSE… after which you still call him, more than once to discuss. Discuss what?

I’m glad you’ve found your breaking point and I hope it holds. Smfh 🤦🏾‍♀️

Absolutely spot on.
This is the perfect solution.

ADD is no excuse for being an arsehole.

With his particular trades, I've also paid for works to be done for me to. Things that don't come under the umbrella of LL's requirements xx

He is my friend. The LL has several jobs that are needed to be done, so I put my "friend" forward for the jobs that my LL does not have a tradesman for.
Hope that makes sense.

I can't quite believe what I've just read! He's a horrible person, there's no way to justify any of this.
Don't see him again even as friends, block him, just don't do it to yourself

Yup. This . He’s horrible.

That's a bit unfair, people react to stuff in different ways and abusers are very clever at manipulating the situation so that the victim doubts themselves or doesn't feel confident to stand up for themselves

MN is full of people who would, in hindsight and in other people’s shoes, act perfectly.

I was shaking whilst driving in the car situation.

With my daughter.. I picked her up and came indoors away from him.
When he was was packed up and saying he was going, I asked him about it but not to the in depth questioning later on the phone.
That's where he gave me the reply he did. Each time I repeated that she's just a child, he's a bully, it's not a joke, it's not funny, that is fucked up etc.... He just kept coming back at me twisting everything I said. That I took it to heart. Do I think he would honestly say something like that in a malicious way? ... Blah blah blah. He had an answer, be it a shit one, for everything. He just didn't get it!

He's a fucking horrible racist cunt and you should never speak to him ever again. I wouldn't go within a million miles of a man like this, and I'm white.

If someone makes racist jokes and then mocks your child's looks, you absolutely SHOULD take offence and he's an utter piece of shit to suggest otherwise.

He clearly thinks of himself as some sort of edgy Ricky Gervais type 'Ooh, are you offended, haha?' type who bullies people and then says it's their problem if they're upset by it. He isn't doing this because he's got 'no filter'. He's doing it because he's a total cunt.

Hindsight is a lovely thing - and a bit unkind of you to say this. Everyone reacts differently.

Please don't speak to this man or second guess yourself again. You know full well that comparing a black or mixed race woman, man or child to an ape is about as established a dehumanising and racist trope as it gets. It wasn't funny to most decent people 40 years ago and it certainly isn't funny now.

You don't need him to agree for that to be true.

Adding 'i am not racist' post said act does not magically negate it. He made ape noises at a black woman. What other value would that convey?

I just feel for his son having a pigshit-thick racist as a father.

This is literally the way he is. Exact description! I'm not great at getting jokes at the best of times but theses were not jokes... They can't be jokes... I'm still even now upset.

And to the person who said why did you call him later on that night.. Being last night... It all happened a few hours before. He had another job to get off to so he didn't stay.
I had to get off my mind about the comments about my DD... I wanted to call him out on it. But obviously I was not expecting the reply he gave me.... That it was basically MY FAULT for taking it to heart and being offended to something that was not meant that way... Wtaf!

Would anyone expect that reply?

GrazingSheep · Yesterday 23:12

Just never speak to him or see him again.

I couldn't agree more, he's a Grade A racist knuckle fucker. Your daughter doesn't need to be learning to accept that sort of crap. I'm sure you know that already!

My daughter is mixed race White-Asian and at 11 experiences it now and then and she doesn't stand for it, but when she was younger, she didn't really understand and several times repeated nasty things people had said to her, as if she thought it was funny.

Block his number and sack him off.

The only way in which you were unreasonable is that you continued to engage with him after he made the vile racist slur. And to be honest, I don't think your race is relevant here. I'm white and I would have been appalled and disgusted if a "friend" of mine did something like that in my presence, and that fact that I'm not a person of color would have made no difference in its horrendousness.

I’m one of those people who are so gobsmacked in the moment, that it takes a while to actually register their twattish behaviour. Delayed reaction.

But what he’s doing is a form of aggression dressed up as a ‘joke’. In other words, he’s a pathetic coward who cannot resist hiding behind his WUM high jinks and using you and your little daughter as targets. A total snake in other words, a wasteman who picks on toddlers. Raise your bar, OP, and I’m sorry this happened to you.

I take it by ADD you mean A Dullard & Dick. He sounds awful