Random racial slur & then insults my dd3

[Shockedandsadnow]

So, I've changed my name for this. Sorry also... Its a long one.

Today, my male friend and i were coming back from a diy shop from getting parts for a job he's doing to my home.

Back story 1st actually ...
He's a bit of an annoying wind up Merchant... But to the point it can go to far and bring the atmosphere of a room really low. It's like he doesn't catch on when to stop due to it becoming rude, offensive, an argument etc... Because he's crossed the line... If that makes sense. He then will turn it around as if it was the person's fault for taking offence... He thinks and says what he's thinking with NO FILTER! (he does have A.D.D though)

Me and the friend, have for the past couple of months, taken things beyond the "friends" barrier at times, but it has not progressed beyond those moments. He's nice at times BUT, the more I see him... (1-2 times a month) and have got to know him... I'm just becoming put off him in every way possible.

I'm mixed race... (Caribbean /white) .... He is white.

So, coming back from diy shop.. I'm slowing down as we are approaching traffic lights, but they are about to turn green. We are passing a bus stop where there is a black women waiting for a bus.
He then opens the window a little, turns and looks at her and makes monkey noises as we are slowly passing her!!! He was not loud enough for her to hear.. THANK GOD but then as we passed, he closed his window and starts laughing.

I'm just gobsmacked! I'm mortified! I'm embarrassed! I'm offended!

He looks at me and was like... "it's only a joke, it's not like she heard me".... "Oooo... Have a wound you up... Are you biting? are you?"... And continues laughing!

I was like... "I'M RIGHT HERE... WTF! why did you do that?"
He carried on with the whole "Oooo you offended ooooo"

I just kept repeating "that's so wrong... I'm right here, look at me.... I heard you!!! ... Why would you do that? Why would you say that? You are just wrong"

I'm literally shocked. I'm still shocked.

We get back home and im just constantly repeating it over and over the 2 mins left of the journey. I'm Just shaking my head for the entirety of it to.

He then says, why you offended? I never said it to you. She didn't hear... I did it so she didn't hear... You know this... Do you honestly think I'm the sort of man who would say anything in that way...??

I'm like... "YOU JUST DID !"

He just kept making out that I'm wrong for taking offence, it was a joke, I take things to seriously, It wasn't said to me. I should chill. That he's not that way and I'm wrong to think he is... Etc.

I'm honestly just shocked.

He has a mixed race son of 10yo.
Him and myself are kinda taking things extremely slow, but getting to know one another... And he does this!

Whenever he says something and I take offence, he then twists it that it's my fault for letting it bother me.
Or
If I react a particular way, he makes out that im wrong and tells me how he would of and that maybe I should of done that instead
And
He just constantly makes out its his way and no other way can be entertained cos it's wrong and not "adult"... But with pretty much everything..

He then an hour or so later insulted my youngest dd, age 3..to my face and in front of her (about a particular body part) and was laughing for about 5 mins... Insult after insult.. Tease after tease and laughing. Pointing and laughing.
I took my daughter away from him then and stayed silent. (the job he was doing was outside the house) He left shortly after he finished the job.
I didn't know what to say. I was raging!! I don't like confrontation in anyway but this was just........ 😡😠😡

I've literally just come off the call to him about it as I needed to say something... But I had to calmed down 1st to discuss the matter without my anger taking lead.
(I've always done this... I don't wanna say something in the moment that I can't take back because of hurt, anger etc)

He's literally said that I should of said something then as he didn't know I took offence. It was not something I SHOULD OF taken offence to neither. It was just a joke. I'm just being sensitive. Do I honestly think he would mean anything malicious towards a child?!? That I need to really think about the person he his and not take judgement like the way I do.

Both of these in a space of 4 ish hours!!
Wtaf!!!

AIBU to think this way? Am I being like what he's saying? Am I sensitive? Am I just missing the joke?... What actually IS the joke please??

These are just the 2 situations of a few I could mention.. But these have happened today... So they are very fresh and still raw.

I've never met/known a person that makes me doubt every single thing I say/think. That critics everything and puts his opinion on it. Then finishes it with... "well, that's what I'd do, but you go ahead".... It just makes me 2nd guess everything. It's a horrible feeling.

My gut and head are thinking the same... He's not to be looked at in anything more than... "you've paid him for work to be done, let him finish it then run away"

AIBU to think/feel the way I am right now?

“He then an hour or so later insulted my youngest dd, age 3..to my face and in front of her (about a particular body part) and was laughing for about 5 mins... Insult after insult.. Tease after tease and laughing. Pointing and laughing.”

This is disgusting! She is 3 years old ffs what was he laughing at? Block this guy and never speak to him again. The fact he did this to your daughter is enough to make you think he is a piece of shit? And the racism is gross

Good lord what on earth do u see in him. He sounds dreadful and stupid to boot.thr racist remarks are bad enough, taunting a child as well ! Wtf is hr like .just dump him! Almost anyone else would be better I think!

D

WTAF have I just read?!

You should have thrown him out the car immediately

You should not let him anywhere near you, your dd or anyone else. Taking it slow? Are you out of your mind?!

He's an absolute c word I never use

Don't think I've ever seen a more unanimous verdict to a post - and I've been on MN over 18 years

Block, delete, ignore

You are being very unreasonable for remotely entertaining this total loser. Racist gaslighting, terrible father to his own child and insults yours. How can you have him near you? I could never. Just yuck!

Block him. He's racist. He yelled out a racist slur to a woman at the bus stop? Have you had that happen to you? It's scary and humiliating. Why are you even talking to him. He did a hate crime in front of you and you don't want to overreact?

First post nailed it.

Seriously, he made monkey noises at a black woman and you are wondering if you are wrong for being offended???

That is so far over the line, the line isn’t even visible any more. As inexcusably, unquestionably racist as putting a white hood on and burning a cross on your lawn.

Did I really just wade through all that lot for 'my friend is racist'?

Decide where your boundaries are. You now know what he thinks about black people even if he isn't saying it.

It's either cool with you or it's not. If it's not then reassess who you consider your friends.

What on earth are you struggling with here?

I honestly don’t understand why you’re giving him even 5 minutes.

He’s a) racist, b) thick, and c) cruel

Block and move on.

Ok. I'm as white as a person can possibly be and if a person was sat in my car making money noises at a black person they'd be getting the fuck out of my car and my life. How you didn't stab him in the eye with the air freshener is beyond me.

He is an absolute prick of a man. You deserve better.

So to answer a few questions.

My youngest was at home with my eldest dd18.. When I popped to screwfix.

I private rent and got him several jobs on the house. My landlord is paying him... The job he was doing was my front door replacement and new lock. I had to have him finish that as my door was was not on at all. He needed another part as the one he had was incorrect.

As I said, he ended up making it that it was me that had the issue for taking offence to something that was not meant in a malicious way... Now I know it sounds strange to question my own mind, but he just twisted it so much that he made me out to be some kind of sensitive snowflake.
That I was throwing the "race" card.... But to me this just was NOT the case.. It was and is wrong in every way possible.

He was showing me the issue that was with the other door at the time when my dd3 came over being nosy. That was when he said his comments. I then picked her up and we both came back in the house. At the point of leaving I challenged him about my dd, and that was his reply. He then left.

My landlord has hired him for other jobs, but this morning I've called my landlord saying that I want another trades personal for the other jobs he's got to fix.

He will never be near my children or me again.

Please stop all contact with this low life

Yes. You know this man is awful, and you repeatedly spend time with him, and appear to be entertaining a relationship with him, and it actually takes him making monkey noises at a black woman out the car window for you to think ‘X is a not only a wanker, but a racist wanker’??

He is clearly racist and a vile excuse for a human being. Get rid, as fast as you can.

I would never speak to him again. His ADD or whatever is no excuse.

After talking to him twice about my daughter. The face to face was more "why say that?" as I was shocked, but then later more in depth.....
And have him not realise what he did. Has sat with me all night.

This chat was temporary hidden by mumsnet took this morning.

Reading through the comments reassured me that he is in the wrong and it's not me.

He knows I lack confidence and self-esteem. Self belief... Pretty much everything tbh.... And to see that he actually is poison going by the comments, has made me believe I'm myself more.

For that, THANK YOU.

Rang my mother this morning about it, before this was unlocked to hear her viewpoint. She thinks he's unhinged. Also wants to smash his face it tbh....
He can just carry on living his life in this manner and hopefully he'll get his lesson along the line.

Thank you all

Well done 👏 this is honestly one of the most unpleasant things I have ever read 😡

Yap! And stop second-guessing yourself. There's literally NO scenario where this would be ok. No matter how he spins it.

I’d cut contact altogether. He’s not going to change.

Both these incidences happened within the latter few hours of him being here. He's never said anything remotely like this before.

He has though always though always made it that his opinion is correct and mine is wrong. With anything and everything tbf.

I'm happy before and at the start of him being here, then when he leaves I'm down.... And then would tease me saying "I'm bipolar" and carries on with that.
It's him that brings me down!

I've slept with him 3 times in total which I wholly regret now!! Last time was before Christmas.

Hopefully my landlord finds another trades person soon. 🤞🏾🤞🏾

This. He's vile.

He is absolutely fucking awful and not funny in the slightest.
You shouldnt want to be in the same room as him let alone shag him and please dont let him anywhere near your child

@Shockedandsadnow

What a nasty, racist piece of trash he is. You and your children are well shot of him - and I'm glad you spoke to your landlord about him.

I wonder if he'd find it funny hearing another Neanderthal knuckle dragger behave to his child in the way he has? 🌹

He has though always though always made it that his opinion is correct and mine is wrong. With anything and everything tbf

I'm happy before and at the start of him being here, then when he leaves I'm down.... And then would tease me saying "I'm bipolar" and carries on with that.
It's him that brings me down!

It doesn’t matter what he thinks. You don’t need to persuade him that he is wrong and you are right. You can just chosen to have nothing else to do with him - you don’t need his permission.

If this was a close family member or a dear, long term friend - you might want to spend an hour of your time explaining why what they did was very wrong, to try educate them. But this bloke is just a causal shag - walk away.

Please don’t date again until you have done some work on yourself and learned to set boundaries. Otherwise you are just going to end up with another different type of unpleasant bully .

Christ on a bike,he has no redeeming qualities that could overcome that. Get rid. Apart from the horrific car incident,imagine if your little one is a bit older and he says something similar to her again.

I've never had it Happen to me. I've had other things though. I was raging to the point I just wanted to cry. I was shaking. I was so shocked by it. It was out the blue. I'm even now replaying it over in my mind. I feel like crying for the poor women. Whether she heard or not is irrelevant to me. She was just waiting for a bus. Minding her business.

My daughter has just turned 3 so she was luckily unaware of what he was saying and not paying any attention to him talking. She was too engrossed with the screwdriver in my grass. But i heard as he was saying it to me.

He's just revolting!