Aibu to think some parents are really desperate to appear progressive & cool but it's having a detrimental effect on their kids?

[Primroseoil]

We have plenty of acquaintances that appear to be extremely left wing & it appears to be an attempt to fit in with who they seem "cool" families.. Media types, Boho types.. But it appears to have had a detrimental effect on their children's education, behaviour & attitude? Aibu to blame the parents?

I’m a dyed-in-the-wool socialist. My kids didn’t have phones until they were teenagers. I was, if anything, quite strict and always made sure they’d completed their homework. Why would my political beliefs make me a lax parent?

I am left wing. My children are well behaved. What is meant is parenting where you do not share their idea of a reasonable boundary. Children are not little robots and it is not "left wing" to permit them a bit of autonomy or freedom in their lives. I agree with @JacquesHarlow regarding the mean minded and stultifying attitudes inherent in the original post. A kind of self gratifying idea of yourself doing the "right thing" defined against others.

I wish there were more parents living life according to their values. Maybe they don't believe in private schooling, yet are quite libertarian in a lefty way and value social choice. They want their children to be self reliant, hence the phones, no pressure to do homework or to conform to gender norms, yet high expectations of attainment and valuing intellectual achievement. Boho means signalling that you don't take mainstream fashion/consumption as axiomatic.

I feel it hangs together quite well. Whether you agree with where they net out, or not, you could at least have a conversation with them about their values and what kind of society they think is best. And I suspect they have views on what world might work well for them and for others who aren't like them, with some imagination and empathy(that's a good bit of being left wing, by the way).

OP on the other hand is so kneejerk in her responses she is really living the unexamined life, I suspect I'd find it hard to have a chat with her about what she thinks the best world should be.

I'm very left wing. Two of my children attend private schools, the youngest is at a state school. I'm gender critical. Not only do I make my children do the homework that school set, I also gave them extra work in primary! No smart phones until year 7 and all social media apps blocked. No tablets. No screens allowed in bedrooms at all.

YABVU

Just say you want to rant about particular acquaintances that are different than you and that you don’t like.

There are plenty of kids from left and right wing parents who are misbehaved because their parents are too strict or too lenient or a mix of both about the wrong things. Pronouns have been a thing for years now. Why do you care? You don’t have to interact with them if you don’t want to.

I've never known children to be affected badly by having left wing parents. Am I missing something?

I don’t see what any of this has to do with being “cool” or “left-wing”

maybe they can’t afford the private school?

most cool parents would be analogue rather than pro 8 year olds having a phone.

you don’t sound any less condescending either.

These don’t sound much like left wing types to me, they sound like liberals, who don’t have enough money to go private so are making a big deal about their ethics in order to cover it up. A very different breed altogether.

The real champagne socialists are those who want champagne for all and are prepared to pay extra tax to help achieve the equality. I’m a fully paid up member of that particular club.

Some of our "cool" friends were totally ok with their 14-year-old daughter having sex with her boyfriend (legal age where they live is 16). Then they were totally ok with her going on holiday with her new boyfriend and his family to the Eastern European country the boyfriend's family was from even though they had only dated for a couple of weeks when she was 15.
At least our friends ensured that she knew how to use contraception.
The daughter is now adult and married to boyfriend number 2 but still....

No but probably too late for 1/2p sweets!

You are awfully judgemental OP. I'm what you would describe as left wing liberal. I moved my DCs to fee paying prep schools because they were unhappy at the village school and sent them to whichever state schools they preferred for secondary. DCs had a lot of freedom and few rules, because thats how I grew up. They turned out just fine.

I'm extremely left wing and none of what you said describes me. My kids are in state school because we can't afford private, but they would definitely be in private if we could. We are very strict on devices (unlike most other parents in our circle) and ours only got a phone to use on wifi only (no SIM) at 11 and only a few hours a week. We are relaxed about homework and school achievement generally, but that's because neither of us has time to spend 3 hours a day monitoring homework as we have jobs and other responsibilities.

I am very open minded about gender and have lots of non-binary/trans friends, but I'm not obsessed with gender (unlike some people around here who don't seem to believe in it 😂). It's not something that really comes up in conversation in our family and my children wouldn't know anything about pronouns, they might be able to explain to you what it means if someone is trans, but I'm not sure. But it's just not something that occupies our thoughts really.

My children are polite and respectful and can sit at the table for a meal out (they bring books and read or we play a quiet game of dominoes). I think it might just be that the people you know are a bit rubbish and you get worked up about people's politics and you are assuming that it's their leftist leanings making them so rubbish?

My mum was a really rubbish parent who allowed all sorts of stupid shit when I was growing up. It's not to do with her politics (she's actually quite conservative). It's because she was fairly emotionally immature and not a great parent.

That's different from my perception of who is letting their children vape and go to unsupervised parties at 13! I was talking to 2 mums who's kids are at the local grammar (Tories, cars and pools types) and both said their kids had been drunk this year, one is 12 and one is 13. They both voted Brexit as they wanted more regulations about people taking their jobs (one has a building firm - very happy prices went up post Brexit). They both think it is a rite of passage for teens to drink and smoke and told me, lefty, that I was too highly strung when I suggested it might damage their brains and start some dependency issues.

I think OP you are massively barking up the wrong tree.

These are just people who have different world views than you.

It's not 'damaging', it's just not in line with what you would do/ how you feel.

There's a difference.

Live and let live.

@mindutopia I'm interested as to why you think you're 'extremely left wing' when you would put your kids through private school if you could afford it. All they are is the purchase of privilege, the very definition of what is not left wing. Left wing is all about equality of opportunity, not a much better deal for those who can afford it and sod the rest.

Because (and this may be because your kids are clearly slightly older now) like everything there has become a ‘left’ and ‘right’ wing way to parent (in the same way there’s a left/right wing way to eat - vegan vs meat eater - your lifestyle choices often indicate your political leanings. Not always, but often).

If you have to say "not always but often" I think you recognise it's actually bull. A lot of Tory voters are now from old socialist areas and are working class.

It isn't actually about which way you vote but largely where they sit on authoritarianism and their educational attainment.

If people can afford private and recognise their child would do better there for whatever reason who is anyone to tell them what they can spend their money on? A lot of private school children are there for SEN because the Tories have run our educational system into the ground and parents are making choices about lifestyle to have their kids in private schools as a result. Parents who spend their income on their children's education are unlikely to be allowing them to drink and smoke and run riot. Arguably the kids from these backgrounds are far less likely, knowing what their parents are sacrificing to keep them in education, to do this as a result.

It’s nothing to do with class. A lot of working class people are right wing. And a lot of the middle class are very left wing.

Yes, I agree. I am not saying it is. I was saying it was about authoritarianism and educational attainment. Whether the parent prioritises the child's education.

You have worded it better than me! This is more what I mean!

I can't work out why being left wing being a bad thing. Surely the selfish right wing is worse.

I'm still getting over the fact that you are pissed off that they don't send their child to private school 'although they could easily afford it'

How can you POSSIBLY know this to be true. Unless you are their personal accountant. They could have received an inheritance that affords them a house that makes them look wealthy but do not have sufficient income for private school.

Could have horrendous debts
Could be planning for one parent not to work
Ould be planning a family of 10 kids and not fair to educate one privately and not the other 9 . !

Or (like me) perfectly able to afford it but against every possible socialist principle I and DH believe in.

I suggest you exert your energy somewhere else

They want them to use pronouns?! That’s a slippery slope, they’ll be on the adverbs next

But what does that have to do with being left wing?

I mean, there are parents like this, so keen to be cool or whatever they fail their kids.

I don't really think it's a majority. But I did know a family where the parents believed in "consent" for everything from even young kids. It was weird - for one thing the kids had no real concept of needing to do things we don't feel like.

But it also set up a very strange dynamic where the parents would try and get the kids to make certain choices in a sort of underhanded way.