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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm so shocked

100 replies

iamsoshocked · 23/04/2024 23:25

I've just found out that someone I used to know is a Paedophile.
He was the dad of a pupil who used to have lessons in our house around 10-13 yrs ago when our kids were around 2 and 5 yrs old. He regularly used to drop off and pick up. He was nice! As was mum, and we became quite friendly with them both, sitting down chatting with a cup of tea after the lesson etc.
He was caught and sent to prison.
I saw mum a few months ago and was asking all about how the boy was doing now he is grown up, but there was no mention of Dad. I had no idea at the time.
I'm just so shocked.

It just goes to show that you can never tell who is who.
And his poor wife and kids. They were just such a nice family.

AIBU to be so shocked?

OP posts:
Rainyspringflowers · 23/04/2024 23:29

MN always do pour scorn on the ‘there’s a paedophile around every corner’ view which is seen as paranoid and somewhat linked to a shrill tabloid style of thought, but the truth is that if you saw a birds eye view of your town and every sex offender had a red flag above their home it would be easy to see there’s one at least around every corner - and they are just the ones that have been caught! It’s certainly a problem and one we’ve barely scratched the surface on.

endofthelinefinally · 23/04/2024 23:31

I can think of 4 that I have met/ knew personally. There are an awful lot of them about. All middle class professional men of good social standing. Grim.

boombang · 23/04/2024 23:33

It is shocking, and always unexpected, you often know who is dishonest, or violent among your friends, but not who is a peadophile - that is always a surprise

Screamingabdabz · 23/04/2024 23:33

I also knew (through work) of someone in a real position of authority in a school and I thought he was the loviest, non-creepy, down to earth type of bloke. He was imprisoned for some outrageous amount of the worst kind of child abuse images on his computer and he had a wife (who also lost her livelihood by association) and teenage children.

I was genuinely shocked as I never assume anyone can be trusted on outward appearances or the job or social standing they hold, but he would’ve been the last person I would’ve suspected.

endofthelinefinally · 23/04/2024 23:33

And during my many years in nursing I met so many victims. When you find out what is on these men's hard drives, you realise what a sick society we live in.

EmilyTjP · 23/04/2024 23:34

I await every mumsnetter saying all men are secret peado’s…

but OP, I would be shocked too. Really disgusting. I’ve only come into contact with them in my line of work and it still takes me by surprise when I hear it.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 23/04/2024 23:35

I know of one who was a good friend, can honestly say I was shocked to the core when he went to prison (which was the first we knew).

endofthelinefinally · 23/04/2024 23:36

You can't tell. Which is why, as we keep saying on MN, safeguarding is so important.

Octomama · 23/04/2024 23:37

I’ve only come into contact with them in my line of work and it still takes me by surprise when I hear it

@EmilyTjP
You haven't. You just don't know it. The majority of people have no idea at all of the scale of the problem.

Original poster
iamsoshocked · 23/04/2024 23:37

He was a teacher too.
just…ugh.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2024 23:38

You're not unreasonable at all. It must be a near out of body experience to learn such a thing of a person you liked and included in your life.

TheChosenTwo · 23/04/2024 23:39

I was always shocked when working in schools that a surprising amount of dc had dads in prison/nc for this. Not as in hundreds of them but certainly enough for me to have my eyes opened to the fact that it’s a more widespread problem than I had ever realised.
I don’t ‘think’ anyone I know is a paedophile and would be horrified and disgusted to find out they were so I’m not surprised you’re shocked op.
Just watched the Gary glitter documentary this evening. Absolutely repulsive abusive rapist paedophile scum, I was so angry.

endofthelinefinally · 23/04/2024 23:39

iamsoshocked · 23/04/2024 23:37

He was a teacher too.
just…ugh.

These men will work for years to qualify as professionals who are trusted, respected and have access to children and parents. Often they groom the parents first.

endofthelinefinally · 23/04/2024 23:41

I am sure the BBC knew about GG. Just like all the others they knew about.

Original poster
iamsoshocked · 23/04/2024 23:43

@endofthelinefinally
oh no, - about grooming parents.
My kids - boy and a girl were around 2 and 5 at the time he was visiting our house. Being nice and friendly with us.
I actually feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
homezookeeper · 24/04/2024 01:12

When DD was at primary school it came out that the dad of her little crush at the time was a paedophile and had been arrested and jailed. He'd been a teacher for many years at the local high school and had taught several of the mums of kids in her class. They launched a whole online witchhunt over the guy and his wife (who turned out to have been a fellow pupil in the other mums' year at school). They were even mentioning that this little boy would turn out just the same. I went straight to the school office and reported exactly what was being said because that little lad was such a lovely little boy and I couldn't stand the thought of him being treated differently through no fault of his own.
School took action then to safeguard him but my DD told me he was so withdrawn and quiet from then on. They've all gone on to high school now and I hope he stays the lovely lad that he is and his classmates don’t find out what his dad did.
It just shows how lives can be ruined even when someone related (esp a child) hasn't done anything wrong.

MegsNaiceJam · 24/04/2024 01:16

It is shocking because it is such an abhorrent thing our brains cannot process how there isn’t an outward sign of someone being such a monster.

Safeguarding matters.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 24/04/2024 01:30

I know 3.

Father of a classmate & husband of a former colleague. Never liked either man and actively avoided them. Didn't assume pedophile, found that out later, but just something off. My mum always told me to avoid both but she didn't really know why either.

Third one, complete floored me. A long term friend from about 12 onwards, a few years older than me, which was weird in hindsight. Genuinely found him lovely, pleasant, normal etc. Drifted apart but used to see him when I was home for Christmas.

I was physically sick when I heard as I got a phonecall to ask of he ever did anything to me. Everyone shocked but the amount of evidence was disturbing and undeniable. He received jail time. He had young kids too.

You never know and bad vibes don't always apply. We only know/see what people want us to. I hope he rots for what he did.

WillJeSuis · 24/04/2024 01:54

I recently found out one of my old school teachers is a paedophile in prison for horrendous crimes (I guess they are never NOT horrendous). Shocked me to the core.

LightDrizzle · 24/04/2024 02:31

Friend of mine is a SW and started in Child Protection. She was “lucky” in that an early case she shadowed concerned accusations made by the mother of child abuse by the father during an acrimonious divorce. Dad was absolutely lovely, not defensive or aggressive and fully cooperative. He said it was malicious because child arrangements and division of assets were disputed. They were a middle class professional couple. Friend thought it might well be a malicious accusation as he came across so very well and the mother was very angry and impatient. As you’ll have guessed, incontrovertible evidence emerged that he was indeed abusing the children. Friend learned never to trust impressions or hunches. She was very shocked that he could be so nice, so convincing and that she was so wrong. It’s why process and protocol is so important. We can’t rely on “I know one when I see one”.

coxesorangepippin · 24/04/2024 02:39

Mate of mine from school is a convicted pedophile.

Like many on here he was the last person I'd expect to go to jail, never mind for that.

Awful.

BusyMummy001 · 24/04/2024 07:12

Similar story, but second hand.

My husband sat next to a a guy at the office for nearly 3 years and they were friendly in the way work colleagues are. One day he didn’t arrive at work and noone knew why. The police arrived the next day to interview everyone in the department. The man had failed to appear at court for charges relating to more than 3000 indecent images of children - they’d chased him across London before he’d finally thrown himself in front of an underground train.

My husband has never been the same. Every single image of the kids was removed from his workspace and screensavers changed to impersonal landscapes. He now doesn’t share anything about our kids outside the ‘we’ve got cricket training’ or ‘we’re in revision hell at the moment’. He was so shocked that the guy seemed nice and didn’t give off any vibes. Really knocked his faith in his ability to judge people’s character and to trust.

NonPlayerCharacter · 24/04/2024 07:19

My mother's best friend was married to one. Never caught, but barred from social events after he tried to get into the girls' bedroom while they were changing into swimming costumes to rub suncream on them when they were about 7 (he tried not to let anyone see, told the girls not to tell anyone; thankfully they came downstairs straight away before he could touch them because they were uncomfortable and told the parents afterwards). I was a baby at the time. He later ran off with his adult but very young secretary.

He died at a relatively young age and not even his own sons gave a shit.

FoleyHuck · 24/04/2024 07:31

YANBU OP. I recently found out the same about someone I knew through friends. Worked in a job that put him in regular contact with families and children. Has a young son.

Our shining example of a local prosecution system have seen fit to give him community service. The very LAST place he should be is within the fucking community Angry

x2boys · 24/04/2024 07:37

iamsoshocked · 23/04/2024 23:25

I've just found out that someone I used to know is a Paedophile.
He was the dad of a pupil who used to have lessons in our house around 10-13 yrs ago when our kids were around 2 and 5 yrs old. He regularly used to drop off and pick up. He was nice! As was mum, and we became quite friendly with them both, sitting down chatting with a cup of tea after the lesson etc.
He was caught and sent to prison.
I saw mum a few months ago and was asking all about how the boy was doing now he is grown up, but there was no mention of Dad. I had no idea at the time.
I'm just so shocked.

It just goes to show that you can never tell who is who.
And his poor wife and kids. They were just such a nice family.

AIBU to be so shocked?

Why would you be uneasonable? ,its a shocking thing ,to find out something like that.