To be jealous of rich students

[Beupstairsreadymyangel]

When I went to uni, student grants had just been abolished.

my parents were completely skint: so I worked 30 hours a week while at uni, and paid rent to my parents.

right through my last year at school I worked around 20 hours a week (didn’t do 6th year) and worked every single day through the holidays except one (I remember taking that day off and my mum being annoyed because I wasn’t earning; meanwhile she hadn’t worked for about 18 years)

in my class at uni, most of the other students had their accommodation and food etc paid for by their parents: and they didn’t have to commute an hour each way to uni, and work almost full time.

in the end, I dropped out of uni and got a job. (I earn a decent amount now)

i now live in a uni town where there are lots of well off students: and my gosh. I feel resentful of them living in their expensive flats and sitting in coffee shops on their laptops.

i know im being so ridiculous!! And when my daughter is older I’ll want to do the same for her.

You can’t tell much about their lives from seeing them in a coffee shop. Some will have everything paid for, great free rinds and will be sailing through academically. Others will have real problems in their lives.

Many, many students have to work now, even with substantial parental support. Student mental health problems are at an all time high. They have had their adolescent years disrupted by covid, so they were unable to enjoy the simple pleasures we took for granted (the Saturday job that gave them pocket money to go out with friends, the seeing friends in person…). Then there are all the usual problems that impact a percentage of any age group: bereavement, relationship woes, money problems, bullying etc.

It is always worth keeping in mind that we never really know what other people are going through.

*great friends

I’d feel more resentful to my parents that they wanted the full loan, while my mum sat on her arse and didn’t work.

most parents move heaven and earth to ensure the best for their parents . I’d never dream of demanding rent while my children /teens were still in full time education at uni.

most teens work throughout their uni years , but the money is for themselves to live on.

Many in society get a leg up. Life isn't equal for all. Some very rich Swan through Life and are unaware of their privileged position.

You've done well despite not having support. Don't lose sight of that.

There will also be people much worse off with no chance of university at all. Very poor home life's and abuse.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I totally get where you’re coming from op. I had to work from the age of 14, I went to college with students who had cars, lovely clothes and were so confident due to the way they had been brought up. I wasn’t able to go to uni as I needed to work to support myself. I’m still angry at my parents who could have made life easier, but insisted that from 16 on I support myself as some sort of life lesson. They didn’t believe in education.

I was the first year of tuition fees, but students on the same courses who had deferred entry still had grants and no fees. That always stung a bit

OP I get you. I worked in a role visiting university campuses and was shocked seeing students ordering £10 - £15 breakfast orders in Starbucks, or fancy cocktails in the bar, whilst wearing latest clothes, high end tech. I didn’t go to Uni because of lack of money. However like you, not having a degree hasn’t held me back.

can you try to change your jealously for something else? These students are likely to have £50k of debt when graduating and will have a shock when real life hits them.

I think your mother was the issue not the university. She appears to have drained you of money for your early adult years. I self funded through the same period, working full time in the holidays and part time term time at low paid jobs and managed to pay my rent and feed myself and have a good uni experience.

I can absolutely see why you're angry.

But it seems to me that you're putting your anger onto "rich" students because you don't want to put that anger where it belongs... on your parents (and especially your mother) for fucking you over so badly.

I honestly think it would help you to have some psychotherapy to talk through the way your parents treated you. At the moment you are feeling the anger but you're not allowing yourself to identify where it's coming from.

Uni isn't the right pathway for some people. A lot of people are ill equipped for the world and it's realities if they have their higher education and associated costs funded by their parents.
My most successful friend came from a very poor background, worked all the way through and has a fantastic career in media for a renowned accountancy body.
My cousins on the other hand, had it all handed to them on a plate, one of them dropped out of uni and just sits on his parents house all day. They don't even make him sign on. His mum keeps wondering why he's so depressed and trying to throw money at it. Offering to pay for him to travel round the world?! But he has no drive or ambition and never will because of his upbringing.

Yabu because the only person that resentment is hurting is you.

I finished uni, the last year of the grant system, by which time, the grant paid my halls room and about half my bus ticket. No money for food, books, bills, clothes, socialising. More importantly there were no student loans available, banks wouldn't lend to a student with no income. The choice was work or starve if you didn't have wealthy generous parents.

I worked 30hrs a week and all summers as a barmaid to survive BUT....

I learned to live on very little. I learned to home cook food quickly using ingredients being sold off in Brixton market on a Saturday afternoon. I learnt discipline around money and work. So many skills that made me independent and resourceful. Now in my 60s I still use those skills.

In the last 30 years I've watched dozens of my 'rich kid' cohort go off the rails because no-one was there to do it for them, or they couldn't have their own way. Alcoholism, drug addiction, debt, bankruptcy due to blatantly stupid get-rich-quick schemes. Criminal convictions for driving uninsured or drunk because they thought they were entitled.

So no, I don't feel any resentment. I got my 2:2 which was enough to get me into my chosen career. I was lucky to go. I've paid higher rate tax for 35 years so the govt got their return. I have a good life now. My ds' turn will be next. I expect him to work, although I will give him more help than I had.

If your mum was "skint" then you could have taken the full loan and gone to Uni away from home. The full loan is enough to support a student at all but a few of the most expensive Unis now, and back then would probably have been enough anywhere.

Most students live on the equivalent of the full loan amount, it's just that they aren't entitled to as much loan as the children with "skint" parents so their "not skint" parents have to top up their loan to the amount that the children with "skint" parents get. So their parents aren't generally giving them over and above what the children of worse off parents get, they are just equalising.

It sounds like you've been let down by your parents, but equally you could have made better choices.

The students who are really hard done by aren't the ones with "skint" parents, they're the ones with better off parents who refuse to support them so that they aren't entitled to the full loan amount and don't get the balance from their parents. An entitlement to a full loan is something that many, many students would be hugely grateful for.

I would be hugely resentful of your shit parents rather than at rich student whose parents bothered to support them.

@Beupstairsreadymyangel

Try to get it out if your system, get the feelings out and then realise that only you are negatively affected by this.

Have a chat with your mother and say how you felt then?

In my culture we do not treat our children this way. We support them throughout education because that is such a priority for us. I had a job but that was money for me to mostly save and spend if I needed but my dp parents supported us throughout. I had a good chunk of savings when I was ready to leave home. But that's my culture, I often felt sorry for other kids who had to do what you do op.

Your mum sound quite hypocritical not working but expecting you to work and provide.

I understand how you feel. I had to work through college and struggled to afford the basics. I remember the humiliation of another student buying me a particular pen we needed because I kept borrowing hers. I think I probably overcompensated with my own kids.

You can feel that way however hopefully you do not think too much about it. I think it's not beneficial for you to be jealous of something that you cannot get in the first place. It will only consume your mental energy. Their life is their life and you've got a different one. Make the most of your time and opportunity given for you.

I think you are being U. I went to uni as a single mother, I walked over a mile to get my DS to school carrying a lot of heavy books, got two buses to uni, studied, got one bus back, grabbed a few bits in Iceland, got the second bus , picked him up, walked home, repeat. On Tuesday and Thursday he went to an after school club miles from anywhere, I’d get the bus, pick him up and have to wait another hour for the next bus.
I worked as well.
I never felt resentful of other students, I felt lucky to be going to uni. I didn’t drop out.
I did have to go to the university access fund few times for money towards bills etc, I honestly never thought about the situation of other students.
Those three years were bloody hard.
OP have you thought about a few counselling sessions to talk through your teenage years, this may help.

Of course you are being unreasonable. There are plenty of skint students living away from,or commuting from, home. There are probably plenty who are also getting lots of parental help. None of this is the students fault. You had parents who didn't support you, which stinks of course, but really has nothing to do with students.

Being resentful of current students won't change the past but will make you miserable. There's just no point.

Just be thankful that you managed to get a decent job and that you will be able and willing to support your own child in the future.

I am sure you know people might have their finances sorted but have major other issues. I had everything paid for (although parents didn't spoil me and I didn't really have a lot of money for extras) but had crazy parents and developed an autoimmune disease that destroyed my kidneys in my final year.
my brother also everything paid for and actually spoilt with plenty of spending money but suffering even more emotional abuse from parents and developed a neurological condition that makes his life very difficult.

money doesn't make life a bed of roses. although obviously you could buy a literal bed of roses I can't imagine that would be comfortable.

Not massively angry at my parents. Get on ok with them both now. But they are old now and, if I’m honest; there is probably a degree of some sort of learning difficulties and mental health issues.

mum didn’t work my entire childhood: but she seems to believe that being a SAHM was the hardest job ever: and that I’m spoiled as I have a cleaner and a husband who “helps out” (I work longer hours than he does)

If you had the full loan you could have moved into halls. It sounds like your parents were the barrier. Many students work now, others take a gap year before hand and save up, and/or work in the summer holidays. Some are fortunate to not need to work but they still have £50k is in loans to repay. You can't tell if it's their only trip to the coffee shop that term either

What better choices do you think I should have made at 17? The student loan wouldn’t have covered rent in many places. I can’t remember the exact amount: but I do recall that it wouldn’t have covered halls.

i made the best choice that I could in getting a job and moving out of my parents house, and then doing evening classes and professional qualifications

The loan that I go didn’t cover halls: I had checked.

that does sound hard. But you chose to have a child before completing education…