To be jealous of rich students

[Beupstairsreadymyangel]

When I went to uni, student grants had just been abolished.

my parents were completely skint: so I worked 30 hours a week while at uni, and paid rent to my parents.

right through my last year at school I worked around 20 hours a week (didn’t do 6th year) and worked every single day through the holidays except one (I remember taking that day off and my mum being annoyed because I wasn’t earning; meanwhile she hadn’t worked for about 18 years)

in my class at uni, most of the other students had their accommodation and food etc paid for by their parents: and they didn’t have to commute an hour each way to uni, and work almost full time.

in the end, I dropped out of uni and got a job. (I earn a decent amount now)

i now live in a uni town where there are lots of well off students: and my gosh. I feel resentful of them living in their expensive flats and sitting in coffee shops on their laptops.

i know im being so ridiculous!! And when my daughter is older I’ll want to do the same for her.

I think it's okay to acknowledge that you are jealous OP. It sounds like you had a tough time back then and a difficult upbringing that perhaps you are starting to come to terms with? I wonder if it's easier for you to feel jealous and frustrated, rather than to aim your frustration at the difficulties of your home life. It's probably your brain's way of shielding you from past events that you've forgotten.

I didn't have a tough time at uni like you did, but I come from a poor family and I remember not being able to afford a lot of the activities that some of the others could. I had a part time job during term time (degree was full time working hours) and in the holidays would pick up full time hours at another job. This was certainly not the case for many others in my cohort. I had to cover most of my rent and bills, and budget carefully for any extras. I also had to get a student overdraft to afford a laptop and books.

I think all you can do is try to strike a fairer balance between support and self reliance with your own children than you experienced.

I wanted to go to university & tried. My parents though didn’t want to financial support me at all. I was expected to pay rent. I went to a very good sixth form but they wouldn’t even cover the bus fare - I worked two jobs. Then struggled with Alevel work - eventually dropping out.

I don’t blame my parents they left school at 15/16 and started working in low paid jobs. Their parents never really supported them either and uni just wasn’t an option.

As a mother myself I saved for my children, I still expect them to work as well. My daughter saved and with our help (& student loans) she got to her final year - I’m very proud. People may judge her as being a rich student.

I understand your feelings, but I know for my parents university was seen as not for the likes of us. It just didn’t really make sense to them. As a parent now I just want to make sure my children have as many options as possible - whether that’s uni or apprenticeship or what ever.

I’ve worked hard to get to where I am - but dread applying for new roles when often I see the degree box & the inevitable rejection. Even with 20+ working history.

They’re not, but you should try to re frame your thinking for your own sake. It’s not helpful to you to feel jealous or to resent others for having it easier and will only make you feel worse in the long run.

Your parents were your problem, your Mum sounds awful.

I pay my child’s rent and their living allowance. Most people I know pay or contribute to the rent as it is unaffordable otherwise. Not unusual both at my work and with friends so not just a social class thing.

Sounds like you're resentful at the wrong people.

Do you still have a relationship with your parents?

Almost all of my school and uni friends had their rent paid for by parents and then used the (minimum) student loan to pay for all other expenses. Some didn't have loans at all and were given an allowances by their parents on top of rent. A few had part time jobs to top up their student loans.

I think you are entitled to feel the way you do.

I had quite a similar experience. I studied a healthcare course that was quite full time re hours involved. We had 7 weeks holiday per year during the course. I worked a lot of hours on top against the advice of the lecturers to make ends meet. Meanwhile other students on course would be grouping together and going partying/ meals/ holiday in the summer etc

To top it off, I thought the inequality would end following graduation. I graduated to find my full time salary wouldn't enable me to get on the property ladder - it took me YEARS of sacrifice to eventually get on this - no social life/ holidays/ living in grotty house shares/ delaying having children

Meanwhile I watched friends/ colleagues earning a similar wage to me get on the property ladder/ expensive weddings etc with no sacrifice (I assume family support)

I have always felt jealous, it is human! Don't feel too bad about yourself for this

But i can't see much of an answer. I think for future generations this problem will actually intensify as there will be huge inequality between students with family support vs those who get nothing. and wages have been suppressed for a long time meaning people who are reliant on income for living will be stuffed

Can’t blame you for feeling resentful, it sounds like you’ve come from a difficult situation and escaped. It’s also sad you didn’t get the chance to finish your degree but you’ve done well regardless. I look at students and superficially it looks like a completely different lifestyle now. Some will be lucky and have everything provided but more likely it’s loans, part-time jobs and bits of parental help enabling them to study. A lot of will leave uni with substantial debt.

My parents flatly refused to let me study. I moved out before my GCSEs so that I could. I bridged the no fees and the £1000 fees over my course so had a mix. I got a small loan and worked 24 hours a week plus holidays. It was hard doing it alone.

DD is about to go, and she will get the full loan because that's unavoidable, but I'll support her as much as I can too because I would never want her to be in my situation.

How 0ld are you now that you still hold on to such resentment?

There’s this theory in therapy that you relive your own experiences when you reach them when parenting. So for you you’ve observed these students and it’s hit you, with adult perspective, that you were badly let down by your parents. And you were.

You could book a few therapy sessions to talk through this. What you went through working so hard to try and ‘survive’ was traumatic. You had to leave university. That is very hard to deal with.

Hopefully at the end of therapy you can celebrate your enormous success which you got BY YOURSELF. That is amazing.

I got a full grant for the first two years of my UG degree, as I had two siblings in FT education, and my Dad was made redundant. It wasn't enough to live on. I remember getting £1700 in 1994 (Scotland)! I studied in Edinburgh, and there were some incredibly wealthy students - some had cars, and fancy clothes. We had Doc Martens for walking around, and lots of jumpers for the cutting winds!!
I worked about 20 hrs a week, and FT (and more!) in the holidays. It was the days of running up your overdraft in term time, and trying to pay it off over the summer!

Anyway, I was talking about it with one of my old Uni flatmates, just a few weeks ago. We have good memories of it, despite being broke most of the time. Lived on pasta, and cheap beer! I am sure my experience would have been different, had I been from a wealthy family; but I think it was all part of being a student.

But you are fine now arnt you and if you'd had it all handed on a plate it may not have done you any good. I have two at uni and can't afford to help them much. They have to manage on their loan but they work their butts off at a fast food chain almost every night and I think it's made them very proud of themselves for what they have achieved all by themselves. Driving lessons and cars and all they have paid by themselves that is an accomplishment these days at aged 18 as the bank of mum and dad doesn't exist here !

I think I'd be more angry at my mother for taking that money as rent and not going out to work.

You know yourself that how things seem is not necessarily how they actually are. Some of those rich kids may have loads of money but they don't have proper parents, just ones who are completely disinterested in them which is of course very damaging. The parents effectively throw money at them and tell them to go away. I knew a kid like that when I was younger and it was absolutely heartbreaking, it all had a really profound (damaging) effect on her.

@Beupstairsreadymyangel your feelings most definitely aren't unreasonable, however I would try to focus on what you have achieved, with little help.

You don't know as much about other people's finances as you think. I remember a flatmate who barely worked complaining that two others of us had "so much more" money; neither of us got a penny from parents, we just worked an awful lot more hours, especially during holidays. I don't know how much your loan was, but perhaps a cheap shared flat would have been better for you financially.

Ultimately it's a shame you dropped out, but time to let that go now, especially as you say yourself that it wouldn't affect your career. It would be useful to think more about your mum and dad's treatment of you though, ideally with a counsellor; your anger seems justified but you are putting it in the wrong place at the moment.

And I had everything paid for, attended all of my classes, worked hard, got a good degree and now have a good job. I didn't become work shy because my parents could afford to help me.

It depends on the individual how they react to the situation.

You think because they can sit in a café with their laptop it means they are rich? I went to uni as a mature student, had to pay my way through - no parents' support whatsoever. I had a laptop which was bought on a credit card before starting uni. I went to a café to study because I shared a house with 6 18-20 y/o who partied, listened to music during the day or had loud breakups with their boyfriends. I went to uni during the day and worked nights and weekends. My student loan was just enough to cover a small room rental and I remember spending about £15 on food per week (which in 2015 didn't exactly amount to a full belly either). But yes, I sat in a café with my laptop looking "rich".

This is me too. I suggested Uni a few times but my parents always said oh what will you do there? I knew they wouldn’t support me financially Mum stopped work when I was 12 just because she didn’t want to go.
ive worked really hard and put my daughter in an expensive private school and she’s now in her 3rd year of uni. She works but we pay for lots of things for her too and when she moves out we’ll give her 150 a week to help with her rent etc.
I get it OP I’m still pissed off and my 52 🤣

It’s not that I don’t sympathise (went to Oxford with only my scholarship which just about covered basics if I worked FT every vac, while some of my college cohort got food deliveries from Fortnum’sand were going to inherit titles/estates), but it’s self-lacerating to blame other people for their privilege).

The thing is though, how do you know that they’re ‘clueless’ about their privilege? My dad paid my rent through uni and gave me extra money for living. I absolutely knew I was privileged, but strangers in the street wouldn’t know that I knew it 🤷🏻‍♀️. I didn’t go round publicly thanking him to all and sundry. He knew how grateful I was and that’s all that mattered.

You aren't really jealous of the rich students op, you are angry at your mum and how unfairly she treated you. I don't think you are ready to acknowledge that yet.

Where's I couldn't afford to pay my son's rent. It's costs more than the family home. He does get full loan and pays his rent/food/ etc from that. Has a weekend job in uni town pays for extras like car)petrol etc. and a holiday job back home that he saves. money from

And he loves taking him laptop to coffee shops lol

Oh and even though my dad paid my way through uni, I’m not ‘workshy’, I attended all my lectures, I know the value of money, I have worked my entire adult life bar maternity leaves and have savings and investments.