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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should be around for kids

54 replies

pescatarianpom · 23/04/2024 10:13

I moved in with my partner almost 2 years ago. We both have two children each. I work part time and have just started up a new dog walking business, which he has been very supportive of. He works full time. His children are aged 13 and 11. My youngest is 12 and I am happy for her to let herself in when she gets home from school. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so his kids are only here every other week. He does not want them in the house alone as they argue/fight.
It has now come to the point where my business is growing and I feel like I have wasted my time and energy building it because I can’t fit any more clients in after my ‘day job’ and be back in time for when his kids get home from school.
We split all our outgoings equally (I have a property I let out so have that as an income too) but he is the main bread winner and so it falls to me to be here for the kids.
We are a family and I’m more than happy to do my bit. But contributing exactly half of everything, on a part time wage, because I’m the one who has got to be around for his kids doesn’t seem that fair.
I also feel a bit resentful that it’s taken me 43 years to find a job that I actually enjoy, rather than that fits in around kids, and I’m still being held back!
I can’t do it all - work, run a business, be mum, house keeper and equal earning partner.
I’m also drowning in debt (which he has kindly lent me so no interest) but with no means to earn more to start paying it off I am feeling very stressed about it.
Would love your opinions please

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 23/04/2024 10:17

Wasn't this discussed before you moved in together?

MalbecandToast · 23/04/2024 10:17

If he can't leave them alone, then he needs to step up and do something. Why should you sacrifice your business?! As they are too old for after school club I'd be telling him to look for an older teen who can sit with them until you are both home from work. Yes it will cost money but childcare does. It should not just be your responsibility!! Both DH and I work full time so our kids are in wraparound care until 5.30 because of this.

Craicbaby · 23/04/2024 10:19

His kids, his issue. But I agree this should have been discussed before you moved in together.

TheShellBeach · 23/04/2024 10:20

What would be say if you told him that you couldn't do this anymore?

JungleJimmy · 23/04/2024 10:21

Why are you paying 50/50 when he is restricting your ability to work by forcing you to do free childcare for him?

Either reduce the amount you're contributing, charge him for childcare, or leave him to sort his childcare out and you work when you want to.

Onetiredbeing · 23/04/2024 10:22

We'll say you are treating all kids fairly and because you allow your dc to be home then they should do the same. I would not accept turning away a job over minding someone else's children.

Cbljgdpk · 23/04/2024 10:22

He’s not the main breadwinner if your outgoings are split equally; that’s not how it works. He might earn more but he should pay more if his kids limit your income.
Also I think it’s fair to say that you want to focus on your career and give him a certain amount of notice that you’ll no longer be there when his kids come home. I say give him some notice as I assume that when you moved in you agreed to this arrangement.

Answersunknown · 23/04/2024 10:22

So you’re in debt and can’t work because you’re looking after his children?
Either you’re the childminder or he steps up the finances and you contribute much less than half to the pot.

free childcare and full contribution from a partner - he’s good a good thing there and you’re a mug.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/04/2024 10:23

So you pay 50/50 not a % of earnings….. yet you’re not allowed to earn more as your his free childcare provider….. I’d put it back to him like that.
then I’d look at all fixed outgoings and start splitting them on a fair % versus your earnings so you both have equal left over spending money.

noshadowatnoon · 23/04/2024 10:24

If the issue is that they cant be together - which I totally get- how about one comes with you for some dog walking after school? Would one of them enjoy that? Would they alternate? Maybe have one day each when they do it? Would you cope? It is only a short time at the end of the day. Possibly your partner could up their pocket money a little bit so they could consider it a "job"? Would that be a workable solution?

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 10:24

And he's got a loan to hold over you? One that you're "drowning" in whilst he restricts your work ability? Wow.

loropianalover · 23/04/2024 10:25

erm he needs to discipline them for fighting. At 13 and 11 can’t they simply ignore each other for an hour after school until parents get home? Ridiculous that you should have to be ‘present’, what so they don’t snipe at each other?? Will you have to be present until they turn 18?

Seeline · 23/04/2024 10:25

If they can't behave at home, then they have to stay at school in the library to do their homework until someone is home.

At 11 and 13 I would be giving them a good talking to about behaviour expectations. It's ridiculous that they can't be left on their own! Give them jobs to do to keep them occupied.

what happens when they are at tehir Mum's?

Onetiredbeing · 23/04/2024 10:25

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 10:24

And he's got a loan to hold over you? One that you're "drowning" in whilst he restricts your work ability? Wow.

This, amazing how he's got op thinking he is some prize.

FunLurker · 23/04/2024 10:29

He's not the main bread winner if your paying 50/50. I understand you only have his kids every other week but you say you do 100% house admin, 100% cooking cleaning, how is this fair. My dh moved in with me and my 4dc many years ago. I choose not to work but still contribute 50% of bills and its my house, I do 90% house admin, and 80%cleaning, (often i get a company in for a deep clean), he helps with cleaning as do kids but nothing set in stone. Kids pay rent which goes into joint bank account, this works for us. I also look after his grandkids whenever needed and I'm always buying his daughter and her kids things. It works for us but yours isn't.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 23/04/2024 10:30

His kids, his responsibility!

You are happy for your child to be home alone while you do your job, he needs to be there for his kids , if that's what he thinks they need.

Also you should be paying into the house a % of what you earn, not 50/50

FunLurker · 23/04/2024 10:30

Also if they can't behave make them come on the dog walks, different child each night.

Tbird5 · 23/04/2024 10:32

JungleJimmy · 23/04/2024 10:21

Why are you paying 50/50 when he is restricting your ability to work by forcing you to do free childcare for him?

Either reduce the amount you're contributing, charge him for childcare, or leave him to sort his childcare out and you work when you want to.

This. If he's the main breadwinner then he needs to pay more into the pot or you stop babysitting for him.

isthesolution · 23/04/2024 10:36

Darling - id like to work between 3pm and 6pm. I estimate between these hours I'd earn £200 more a week. I'm happy for my children to be home alone during those hours. This is what I want to do, I'd really like your support to do it. But if you want me to be home during those hours for your children then I feel it would be reasonable for you to pay £200 more towards the household bills because I'm looking after your children so can't earn that money.

And reach a compromise in there somewhere?

Dishwashersaurous · 23/04/2024 10:52

Good grief. Another one. Paying 50/50 but doing all the childcare.

They are old enough that they don't need someone at home after school.

If he wants someone at home, then he organises it.

Do your business. He does his kids

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 10:57

"Darling - id like to work between 3pm and 6pm. I estimate between these hours I'd earn £200 more a week. I'm happy for my children to be home alone during those hours. This is what I want to do, I'd really like your support to do it. But if you want me to be home during those hours for your children then I feel it would be reasonable for you to pay £200 more towards the household bills because I'm looking after your children so can't earn that money."

Erm no. He should be paying more anyway and why should her business suffer. Also, "darling"? 🤢

lanthanum · 23/04/2024 11:01

"We split all our outgoings equally (I have a property I let out so have that as an income too) but he is the main bread winner and so it falls to me to be here for the kids."

EITHER he is the main breadwinner for the household and pays more of the costs of running things OR you pay halves and it does not fall to you to sort the kids. He can't have it both ways.

Tell him that you want to expand your business, and if he wants you to be at home for the kids instead then he needs to pay you.

Original poster

pescatarianpom · 23/04/2024 11:35

TheShellBeach · 23/04/2024 10:17

Wasn't this discussed before you moved in together?

We didn’t think to discuss it as it wasn’t an issue then, as I was only working weekends or from home so was always around. I have now changed my hours (partly to spend more time together as a family) and only set up my business 4 months ago

OP posts:

Catza · 23/04/2024 11:38

It's a pretty lame reason to not let kids stay home by themselves. So they fight, and? Is he actually worrying about them killing each other? Do they fight less with you around? They should learn to resolve conflicts independently. I'd say let them get on with it and if he is not happy, he should be arranging childcare.

pinkyredrose · 23/04/2024 11:39

Why can't the kids be left alone, they're not tiny.

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