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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who should be around for kids

54 replies

pescatarianpom · 23/04/2024 10:13

I moved in with my partner almost 2 years ago. We both have two children each. I work part time and have just started up a new dog walking business, which he has been very supportive of. He works full time. His children are aged 13 and 11. My youngest is 12 and I am happy for her to let herself in when she gets home from school. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so his kids are only here every other week. He does not want them in the house alone as they argue/fight.
It has now come to the point where my business is growing and I feel like I have wasted my time and energy building it because I can’t fit any more clients in after my ‘day job’ and be back in time for when his kids get home from school.
We split all our outgoings equally (I have a property I let out so have that as an income too) but he is the main bread winner and so it falls to me to be here for the kids.
We are a family and I’m more than happy to do my bit. But contributing exactly half of everything, on a part time wage, because I’m the one who has got to be around for his kids doesn’t seem that fair.
I also feel a bit resentful that it’s taken me 43 years to find a job that I actually enjoy, rather than that fits in around kids, and I’m still being held back!
I can’t do it all - work, run a business, be mum, house keeper and equal earning partner.
I’m also drowning in debt (which he has kindly lent me so no interest) but with no means to earn more to start paying it off I am feeling very stressed about it.
Would love your opinions please

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 23/04/2024 11:39

But contributing exactly half of everything, on a part time wage, because I’m the one who has got to be around for his kids doesn’t seem that fair.
It's not fair at all. He's being really selfish and taking advantage of you. If you can't work more than part time because of HIS kids he needs to contribute more to make up for the childcare you do to support him. Its that simple. You're not married or working together as a team in terms of finances so he doesn't get to make decisions that limit your ability to work. He works less, or pays more or his kids go unsupervised. Any other outcome is him using you.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 23/04/2024 11:40

If his kids can’t be trusted at home then he needs to be there doesn’t he? OR he needs to pull them into line because it’s really ridiculous!

not your problem OP. You need to stand firm , you are not the unpaid nanny!

Spirallingdownwards · 23/04/2024 11:42

His kids can stay home and fight each other then.

Josette77 · 23/04/2024 11:44

Why are you paying 50/50 if he's the breadwinner?

isthesolution · 23/04/2024 11:50

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 10:57

"Darling - id like to work between 3pm and 6pm. I estimate between these hours I'd earn £200 more a week. I'm happy for my children to be home alone during those hours. This is what I want to do, I'd really like your support to do it. But if you want me to be home during those hours for your children then I feel it would be reasonable for you to pay £200 more towards the household bills because I'm looking after your children so can't earn that money."

Erm no. He should be paying more anyway and why should her business suffer. Also, "darling"? 🤢

Why would the business suffer? If she was financially in the same situation whether he pays the £200 (for example) for her to be home or whether she earned the £200 at work? Maybe you mean the business wouldn't have the ability to grow and thus become more profitable?

I don't disagree that they shouldn't be paying equally anyway if they aren't earning equally but this appears to have been what they agreed.

And yes his name instead of 'darling' but I didn't know his name and assumed people were intelligent enough to understand I didn't mean the op copied the post verbatim but more so that I was making a suggestion.

Onabench · 23/04/2024 11:50

There is so much wrong with this....
You work party time but split build 50/50 which is pouring your in debt but he kindly has given you an interest free loan? But you can't work more hours due to his kids?

He is taking the absolute piss. Split bills proportionally and he needs to sort his own kids

Caffeineislife · 23/04/2024 11:53

Another here who says his kids childcare is his problem. At 11 and 13 they are plenty old enough to manage for a couple of hours after school.

Otherwise "DP" needs to either ask for an early finish EOW, change his work hours or ask to WFH with full understanding from his boss that his children will be in the background. If he is not willing to do that then he will have to explore what after school provision there is for his children. It might mean school homework club, school sports clubs or extra revision classes. If the DC don't want to do it then tough, they either come home and ignore one another for a couple of hours and behave or off to after school clubs they go. Failing that put them through the threat of humiliation of having to have a child minder collect them from the secondary school gates as they cannot be trusted to be at home alone.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/04/2024 12:07

It seems mad a 13 yo and 11 yo can't safely be left alone in their father's/their own home for a couple of hours? What does he think they'll do?
Your 12 yo is more than capable so if his aren't then he should pay for a babysitter for them between when they finish school and you get back from dog walking.
I'll bet the notion of needing a babysitter will shame them into behaving well enough without one at that age.

Heartoverhead1 · 23/04/2024 13:31

His kids, his problem.

Imagine you split up in a year or two and you'd given up all those hours that you could have been building your business.

TheShellBeach · 23/04/2024 14:19

Spirallingdownwards · 23/04/2024 11:42

His kids can stay home and fight each other then.

Yes, what is the problem with the children?
They're not babies.

SpringleDingle · 23/04/2024 14:23

If he earns more he should pay proportionally more into the joint expenses surely?

If his kids need babysitting and you could be earning money but instead are babysitting his kids then he should compensate you (on top of the proportional split of expenses).

You are very much getting the short end of multiple sticks here!

Stainglasses · 23/04/2024 14:23

Obviously you shouldn’t be losing earnings to mind his children. Tell him you are going to be working. His problem to sort out.

EverybodyLTB · 23/04/2024 14:28

What is this loan situation? You’re drowning in debt because you owe your partner money? He expects you to just drop your life/work to look after his kids? None of this sounds like he’s a decent person. He’s not the “breadwinner” because he’s not doing anything that’s financially supporting you, you’re paying 50/50 and doing the bulk of the childcare and no doubt all the housework.

Quartz2208 · 23/04/2024 14:28

I think you need a long hard conversation with him, you cannot give 50/50 and then hinder yourself to do childcare. You cannot hold back your business for childcare for an 11 and 13 year old, they are old enough to be at home and deal with it themselves.

but to be honest a man who expected me to pay 50/50 whilst also expecting me to do childcare and hold himself as the main breadwinner would not be a man I wanted

Peonies12 · 23/04/2024 14:30

We split all our outgoings equally (I have a property I let out so have that as an income too) but he is the main bread winner and so it falls to me to be here for the kids.

Why?? They're his kids. His responsibility. Who has more income doesn't matter.

dammit88 · 23/04/2024 14:32

Agree with those saying he is not the main breadwinner because he doesn't share his earnings. You need to protect your own income. His childcare, his problem, unless earnings are shared equally.

Codlingmoths · 23/04/2024 14:33

If you split everything equally then what the fuck makes him the breadwinner?? You both pay equally so he can be around for his children, you have work to do surely?!

Kelly51 · 23/04/2024 14:33

Move out, you're in debt to him, lumbered with his kids hampering your ability to grow your business.
There are no positives to living together.

Iloveacurry · 23/04/2024 14:33

He should be responsible for his kids if he doesn’t want them at home alone. It’s not really your problem is it?

Whatsitcalled38 · 23/04/2024 14:36

We split all our outgoings equally (I have a property I let out so have that as an income too) but he is the main bread winner and so it falls to me to be here for the kids.

No he is not the breadwinner, you both contribute equally financially. Him having mire disposable income after bills doesn't make you responsible for his kids. If he doesn't want his kids home alone while he's not there he needs to pay for and arrange a service, not expect you to work less.

Illpickthatup · 23/04/2024 14:39

Say you were to split up and you've sacrificed your earning potential to be someone else's free babysitter.

LiterallyOnFire · 23/04/2024 14:44

TakeOnFlea · 23/04/2024 10:24

And he's got a loan to hold over you? One that you're "drowning" in whilst he restricts your work ability? Wow.

This. It sounds a very convenient arrangement for a controlling man.

Heartoverhead1 · 23/04/2024 15:08

Agree with him not being a breadwinner if you're paying equally to the outgoings.

What he's ACTUALLY doing, it's feathering his own nest/savings/pensions by benefiting from being the higher earner, while taking advantage of you looking after his kids for free, while you disadvantage yourself for the sake of two kids who should be able to be left for an hour or two, but can't because of their poor behaviour.

FinallyHere · 23/04/2024 15:28

be back in time for when his kids get home from school.

Why do you think this is your job?

LifeExperience · 23/04/2024 15:36

Of course the children can be left alone. Are you sure he's not trying to control your time by making up a stupid reason why they can't? Also, he's not the breadwinner if bills are split 50-50. Bills should be split in proportion to each partner's income.

Run your business, work your job. If he has a problem then he can stay home with his children.