To ask MIL to stop posting photos of DS on social media?

[InATizzz]

I asked MIL over 3 weeks ago now if she could stop posting photos of my DS on Facebook and she's not spoken to me since.

Back story is she nearly announced our birth before we even did and was begging to post about it. We aren't regular posters at all and it just doesn't fit with who we are. I wanted to post one photo to Facebook to announce his arrival and then never post a picture of him again. DP and I had chatted and we both agreed that we want DS to have privacy and to decide when he's older whether he wants to be on social media. Not to mention the issue of not knowing who is looking at his photos from her friends list.

2 weeks postpartum I finally started to begin healing after a fast but difficult birth and posted my announcement. She immediately posted one as well. I didn't mind this too much as I was obviously very busy. Over the next weeks I sent her lots of photo updates of DS as she had went on lots of preplanned holidays, what I deemed private family photos, and she proceeded to post them all on FB. When she's visited since I've heard her in the other room trying to get him to smile for photos and then posted them as well an hour after leaving!

I didn't say anything to begin with and asked DP to ask her to stop as I didn't want to cause a rift between her and I. He asked 3 times and she didn't, so I decided to ask. I sent an extremely polite message to ask her to stop and to explain our views about children's images on social media and she just put 'OK no worries'. She hasn't spoken to me since so I feel like she's definitely upset with me.

Was I being unreasonable to ask her to stop?
I appreciate it may be hypocritical of me to post 1 photo and then ask her to stop but I genuinely won't post any more photos of DP as he grows. I've been left feeling like I've overreacted in some way and maybe shouldn't have said anything? But it was keeping me up at night!

Thank you for your views!

Absolutely fine. The Internet can be a very dark place at times and it's perfectly reasonable to reduce the chances of your child being caught up in that. It's possible your mum isn't up to date with eg AI & Deepfakes but there's a petty disturbing article in today's guardian if you wanted to spell it out to her

And don't send her any more photos

Yes she sounds upset so maybe sit down and have a chat? You can talk about your reasons for your feelings (which are very valid) and that although you are really pleased that she is so proud of her grandchild, perhaps she could show the pictures on her phone when meeting her friends in person?

It is your choice as the parent but just to warn you it is a minefield and you might want the option to change your mind later. Unfortunately social media is now a part of everyday life.

Nursery, sports clubs, school and everyone else (friends/parties) will be requesting permission to post your child and it will be quite obvious to them if they are not included (with everyone else).

My compromuse is that my children age 8/10 now control the narrative. I also ask that they are not named or tagged and although they are on my feed, I have strong privacy settings.

Your baby, your decisions.
However, you will have to find a way of stopping her taking pictures of him, which will be a challenge.
But stick to your guns!

We don't let anyone post photos of our kids on their social media, ever. We always have to ask people to take posts down so I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable about this and have explained your views politely. Your MIL will just have to accept your views - you are the parents. If she wants to sulk that's up to her.
I don't understand why some grandparents are so obsessed about posting photos of their grandchildren on social media ( I'm a grandmother btw!)

YANBU.

You just need to be strict about it. I had a similar issue.

Older people often seem a bit naive about social media.

It’s just excitement - they want to share their lovely grandchild with their friends, but they aren’t thinking beyond the immediate. I don’t think my mother regarded it as any different to a friend coming round and seeing a framed photo on the wall.

Once their image is out there, it is difficult to control. You also don’t know who her friends are on Facebook - it’s different to sharing with your own group.

I found it particularly grating having all these people I had never heard of commenting on me and my kids. So very weird - I don’t want there to be a chain of comments somewhere on the internet about me or my kid.

A good way to describe it which might be easier for her to understand, is in saying that you don’t know how your child is going to feel about their photos being on the internet when they are older, so you want them to be able to make that decision themselves.

FYI I do share some (limited!) photos of my child - but only if I have control over what it is, who it’s shared with etc. I would probably concede on my mother sharing the odd picture if pre-approved by me. So I’m not extreme on privacy, just trying to be sensible!

Totally reasonable. I never post photos of any kids ever let alone someone else's child, that's widely understood now IME.

Totally reasonable, I posted one picture of myself with my very tiny GC after my daughter had done a birth announcement post. Since then maybe two posts but taken so you can’t see his face or identify him. You are allowed to set the rules for your children and the wider family should respect them.

If you want to go nuclear you could flag the photos up to FB and ask to have them taken down.

This video was what did it for me:

Yup that's a good one.

Totally reasonable. Our parents will forward photos and videos via WhatsApp to wider family and friends we've all known for years. But no social media.

I do post on IG but my settings are tightly controlled

Our school has three settings
(1) Internal school use only (which we're fine with)
(2) No photos at all.
(3) Social media but no names

We went with (1). Which means they are on the slideshows of things shown in class but not on the school's website or twitter. Where it's a class photo of a school trip on twitter (used for communication like "we've arrived" they usually put an emoji over the relevant kids. In my DDs class there are approx 8 or 9 kids out of 25 with that "setting".

Cheepcheep - brilliant video.

My adult children would go bananas if I posted photos of my grandchildren on social media without their permission. It's a perfectly reasonable request and your MiL should abide by your wishes without any fuss or drama. Silly woman!

@Cheepcheepcheep That's a fantastic video. It's so easy think my privacy setting are secure and only a handful of people will see it. But once an image is online you have zero control over where it will end up and what it will be used for.

YANBU OP, and I doubt anyone will post to say you are.

*edited for spelling error.

No, of course you weren't being unreasonable.

But people can react badly to the 'thought I'd just mention' 'could you possibly not...' type of conversations. They feel embarrassed. Let her have some space and just remain neutral and cheerful. Hopefully, she will get over it. But do not doubt your decision.

My kids were little during the early stages of social media when it all seemed novel and wholesome (!) Although my settings are all private so friends only, I did use to post my kids, until one day my then 8 year old said, "please don't" .

It really brought me up short and seemed so obvious - it's their image not mine.

YANBU. We did the same and it worked.
Some people - grandparents - were disappointed and had to adjust their behaviour accordingly (eg finding other ways to show their friends photos of their grandkids) did they get adjust and got used to it after a year or two.

Stick to your guns. People are increasingly switched on to online harm, consent, privacy and child rights, and doing the same.

She doesn't get any more pictures now, her own fault. At least now you know she doesn't respect boundaries and can plan accordingly in future.

No more pictures for her. She's not trustworthy and she'll probably just hide future posts from you.

It's a reasonable request, and a really common one in this day and age.

Let her be upset with you, your child your rules.

i agree with everyone else that it’s entirely reasonable for you to have raised this.
my only question is whether she’s actually angry/upset with you or maybe just feeling a bit awkward/foolish? im only asking because it may be that it will blow over, she’ll respect your wishes and is just taking a while to get over herself. Obviously that in itself is pretty childish but it sounds like you don’t want any issues with her so maybe just let her work through it? Have you seen her since? Is she not talking to you in person?

Not sure how anyone has voted you are BU because you not at all

We were told in no uncertain terms that we could not, under any circumstances, post pictures of our GC on Social Media. I can’t imagine the consequences had we done so. GD1 is nearly 19 and does post on Instagram but that is her choice. We were also told ‘no naked photos’ when they were babies.

YANBU - it baffles me how much people are willing to share about their children online. Ok fair enough they might have strong privacy in place but it gives the green light to everyone else who might not be so strict !

If your MIL is offended then thats a her problem - your baby is not social media content ! She can show her friends pictures in real life like people used to do ! I’d also stop sending her pics if I were you.

And don’t get me started on ‘mumfluencers’ who use their children for content and money - potty training seems to be the thing they are all sharing at the moment which I think is a massive invasion of privacy.