Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit my parents

55 replies

MyLuckyTaupeMaker · 22/04/2024 17:19

I grew up in the midlands with my parents and sister. I moved down to London for work after university and it would take me around 1h30m to go and see my parents occasionally at the weekend. I could also catch up with friends who still lived locally and do the odd outing with them. My sister moved up north around 3h away from my parents a few years later.

During covid my parents told me they were going to move up north too. Although I was upset they would be further away, I could understand wanting a new environment. They stressed that they were not going to be near my sister and it wasn't for her benefit. Once their offer was accepted I saw the address was only around 15m away from my sister. They played it down when I confronted them.

Part of me thinks I should make the best of it. My parents live somewhere nice where they are happy and can see my sister very frequently. I can go and see all my family at the same time now. But a greater part of me just feels hurt. They purposefully hid they were moving to be with my sister and it meant I didn't get to process how I felt about it until after it had happened. I take this to mean they didn't care about how I would feel about them moving and they just wanted as little resistance as possible.

Since they moved I have had a daugher who they want to see. They frequently ask me to travel up and see them but I don't really want to go. Partly because they've upset me and partly because it feels like such a long way to travel. I can no longer go and visit them just for a day due to the distance and even going for a weekend feels fraught. I also don't really want my young daughter stuck in a car for 10h or more over a single weekend. We could take a week off and go and visit them but it is difficult to be around my dad in his space for this long. I had tried to gently explain to them before they moved that this would make it more difficult for me but my concerns were shrugged off. I only now go and see them at Christmas whilst they come and see us a few times a year.

My parents will keep asking me, "Why don't you come up for the weekend?" and I'll keep having to repeat "Because you live so far away now" but they don't seem to understand. I could have it out with them properly but it feels like there's nothing to be gained. My parents wont move now and I don't think I'd ever feel good about this even if they did apologise. I'm upset with my sister for suggesting they move. Upset with my dad for planning it and upset with my mum for not telling me what was really happening and standing up for me.

AIBU for not visiting them more often?

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 22/04/2024 17:22

You don't have to visit, if you don't want to. It's not compulsory! Just carry on with your own life and do whatever you prefer.

bellezarara · 22/04/2024 17:26

YANBU. The person who moves away should visit. Ignore them.

I’m guessing your sister was the golden child.

Are you feeling that they want to see you now because of your daughter?

LookOverHere · 22/04/2024 17:27

You’re not being unreasonable

hairbearbunches · 22/04/2024 17:32

I’m with you OP. It’s the being untruthful and the hiding stuff in my own family that drives me mad. And when I point anything out, I get ‘well we know what you’re like’. Accept you’re not in the ‘inner circle’ or it will send you insane with frustration. Spend your energy elsewhere, if your lot are anything like my lot, you’ll bang your head against a brick wall and achieve little else. I feel for you. It’s crap, it really is.

TipsyKoala · 22/04/2024 17:32

You are being unreasonable about your parents moving near your sister. Surely it’s better for them to live near one of you instead of not that close to either of you. I don’t think you had a right to “confront them” over it. However, now they’re far away you are not unreasonable to not visit much especially with a small child. My in laws moved a distance away. We go to them once a year with the kids.

CelynMelyn · 22/04/2024 17:35

Can they visit you seeing as they want to meet their DGD?

Moveoverdarlin · 22/04/2024 17:36

Think you need to make more effort to be honest and just go and see them.

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 22/04/2024 17:36

Nah you are definitely not being unreasonable. Your parents should make waaaay more of an effort to visit their daughter and granddaughter! Ultimately, they are missing out but I know how much it hurts.

Is it easy when you are there? Do you have enough space/entertainment etc? It might be nice to go up occasionally and help to build that bridge, but the onus is absolutely not on you.

MissBedelia · 22/04/2024 17:38

I think you’re being a bit petty. Just visit for the odd weekend with your child

Crapuscular · 22/04/2024 17:40

The sunny side of this ( it isn't , I'm being flippant) is that when your parents need more help, you'll be too far away and so your sister will be the default.

It's a can of worms. Your sister will be resentful of being so close to them.

However, you'll be full of guilt.

They chose to live there. That is not your problem. You can only visit when you can.

saraclara · 22/04/2024 17:40

You're only making the gulf wider by refusing to visit. Personally I'd go at least twice a year. If you go at Christmas, maybe go in the school dinner holiday as well? Can you have a couple of days break somewhere else on the way or on the way back, so it feels more of a holiday?

BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 17:43

You're not unreasonable to feel hurt that you were essentially deceived. There was no need for that element of it. If I were you, for me it would come down to their ages and how I would likely feel if they passed away and I had allowed my hurt to prevent me from visiting them when I could reasonably make the trip a few times a year. It is possible to make long car journeys with children with a bit of planning. In their later years they're unlikely to be able to travel as far as regularly as they do now, meaning you'll never see it. Is the lifetime of regret worth missing out on the relationship?

BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 17:44

*never see them not it!

Greywitch2 · 22/04/2024 17:44

MissBedelia · 22/04/2024 17:38

I think you’re being a bit petty. Just visit for the odd weekend with your child

I think this, too. It sounds like they stressed 'it's not simply to be near your sister' because they knew you would be touchy about it. They are 15m away - so hardly right on top of her.

I've got adult DC - one of who is in Brighton and one is in Derby. I'm considering retiring to the Peak District because it's rural, scenic and I fancy it. I'm not 'moving to be near to ONE of my children' and leaving the other out. I imagine your parents got a LOT more for their money up North than if they'd moved near to London!

Which is my other reason for NOT moving near to Brighton. I'm currently in the Midlands, like you were before you moved to London (away from your parents). I can't afford to sell a house here and buy one in Brighton. And I don't suppose they could either.

VWT5 · 22/04/2024 17:46

Could you consider trialling all meeting somewhere half way, on a rail line, stay in a Premier Inn or similar?
(Bonus that your parents get to do some of the legwork too and might pressurise you less?)

Growlybear83 · 22/04/2024 17:47

I agree with a previous poster who said you're being petty and I think you should make the effort to go to your parents so they can see their grandchild. 1.5 hours isn't that long a journey or very tiring, particularly if you stay overnight. You said at the start of your post thst your parents are 1.5 hours away but towards the end you said you were concerned about your child spending 10 hours or more in the car - surely it would be 3 hours?

saraclara · 22/04/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 22/04/2024 17:47

I agree with a previous poster who said you're being petty and I think you should make the effort to go to your parents so they can see their grandchild. 1.5 hours isn't that long a journey or very tiring, particularly if you stay overnight. You said at the start of your post thst your parents are 1.5 hours away but towards the end you said you were concerned about your child spending 10 hours or more in the car - surely it would be 3 hours?

OP was 1.5 his away from them before they moved.

Icanseethebeach · 22/04/2024 17:51

Can you invite them to yours? Or meet half way and stay in a premier inn or if funds allow some where nicer.

blackcherryconserve · 22/04/2024 17:51

If you want your DD to have a meaningful relationship with her grandparents please try and put your hurt feelings aside and go and visit them. Life is too short and perhaps you could be the bigger person here.

Both my DD's, their partners and their respective children live between one hour and 3 hours away from me. Neither DD drives and both moved away from their home town (London) due to cost. I appreciate every time they (or conversely I) visit so I can spend precious time with DGSs.

CelynMelyn · 22/04/2024 17:57

Growlybear83 · 22/04/2024 17:47

I agree with a previous poster who said you're being petty and I think you should make the effort to go to your parents so they can see their grandchild. 1.5 hours isn't that long a journey or very tiring, particularly if you stay overnight. You said at the start of your post thst your parents are 1.5 hours away but towards the end you said you were concerned about your child spending 10 hours or more in the car - surely it would be 3 hours?

I read it as being 5 hours away. OP said she doesn’t want her dd to be stuck in a car for 10 hours over a weekend.

I wouldn’t relish being stuck in a car with a LO for an hour journey either tbh.

Will you be driving on your own with dd OP?

DaisyDonaldDucks · 22/04/2024 18:00

It makes sense for them to live near one of you and the south east is expensive, but they really should have told you before the move.
Your daughter must be young still. Is there a time in the future you'd be happier with the longer journey? There's no need for you to visit if it's not convenient but if you want your daughter to see more of them I would do a couple of weekends a year.

RedPandaPop · 22/04/2024 18:02

Hmm tricky one I’d say.

It seems very weird they told you they were moving up North, not to be closer to Sister but did end up 15 minutes away. Surely they could have been honest from the start that they were going to move near to her?

It all depends if you want your DD and them to have a good relationship. But I think the effort should be a two way thing. Let’s say a visit every month or two months, you make the first trip and they make the next, and so on.

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 18:02

TipsyKoala · 22/04/2024 17:32

You are being unreasonable about your parents moving near your sister. Surely it’s better for them to live near one of you instead of not that close to either of you. I don’t think you had a right to “confront them” over it. However, now they’re far away you are not unreasonable to not visit much especially with a small child. My in laws moved a distance away. We go to them once a year with the kids.

This.

It's really unreasonable to resent them moving close to your sister.

But if you don't want to visit them, you don't have to. It's your choice.

HauntedPencil · 22/04/2024 18:06

I can understand them not wanting to move to London, to be honest. I think they should have had a much more honest conversation about it all.

Orophile · 22/04/2024 18:07

Is there a train? You can get to Manchester in under 2 hours from London.

Swipe left for the next trending thread