To not want to visit my parents

[MyLuckyTaupeMaker]

I grew up in the midlands with my parents and sister. I moved down to London for work after university and it would take me around 1h30m to go and see my parents occasionally at the weekend. I could also catch up with friends who still lived locally and do the odd outing with them. My sister moved up north around 3h away from my parents a few years later.

During covid my parents told me they were going to move up north too. Although I was upset they would be further away, I could understand wanting a new environment. They stressed that they were not going to be near my sister and it wasn't for her benefit. Once their offer was accepted I saw the address was only around 15m away from my sister. They played it down when I confronted them.

Part of me thinks I should make the best of it. My parents live somewhere nice where they are happy and can see my sister very frequently. I can go and see all my family at the same time now. But a greater part of me just feels hurt. They purposefully hid they were moving to be with my sister and it meant I didn't get to process how I felt about it until after it had happened. I take this to mean they didn't care about how I would feel about them moving and they just wanted as little resistance as possible.

Since they moved I have had a daugher who they want to see. They frequently ask me to travel up and see them but I don't really want to go. Partly because they've upset me and partly because it feels like such a long way to travel. I can no longer go and visit them just for a day due to the distance and even going for a weekend feels fraught. I also don't really want my young daughter stuck in a car for 10h or more over a single weekend. We could take a week off and go and visit them but it is difficult to be around my dad in his space for this long. I had tried to gently explain to them before they moved that this would make it more difficult for me but my concerns were shrugged off. I only now go and see them at Christmas whilst they come and see us a few times a year.

My parents will keep asking me, "Why don't you come up for the weekend?" and I'll keep having to repeat "Because you live so far away now" but they don't seem to understand. I could have it out with them properly but it feels like there's nothing to be gained. My parents wont move now and I don't think I'd ever feel good about this even if they did apologise. I'm upset with my sister for suggesting they move. Upset with my dad for planning it and upset with my mum for not telling me what was really happening and standing up for me.

AIBU for not visiting them more often?

If they had stayed where they were, how often would you have made the 1.5hr trip to do things for them when they reach the point that they need help?

You will see then that it makes complete sense for them to live nearby to one of you, and maybe living in London wasn't what they wanted.

No, they were 1.5 hours away, now they are a 10 hour round trip.

Petty and selfish. Wait till they are gone and live with regrets, Jealous too, of your sister. Book well in advance and take the train, much more fun than drive. Make it into a fun trip with your child.

So YOU moved to London- but would have wanted your parents to be alone and not close to either of you. And you say they are selfish??? Please listen to yourself.

No-one can force you, of course. Your prerogative. Remind them to cut you off their will too, if it is all too much trouble for you.

So get an AirbnB, go by train (book early for best price) and make it into a short holiday. Simple enough.

I understand where you're coming from.

We had this with my PIL, out of the blue they announced that they were going to move to just down the road from SIL.

I think what hurt DH's feelings - and his brother felt the same way - was that his parents had clearly been discussing the move with sil for months maybe even years before involving the rest of us. And then having done that and prioritised being close to her above anyone else, it has become "well obviously you have to come here for Christmas/celebrations generally because both of us are here" which feels like it rubs salt in the wound.

We still go and see them but we don't go as often because, frankly, they moved somewhere that makes that harder and since they made it clear they don't care about us as much as SIL, it doesn't feel as worthwhile to make the effort

Yep you are being petty. You moved first. Why are you allowed to move but they aren't. If you'd staying living near them then perhaps they wouldn't have moved to live near their other child. Very few people could afford to move from the midlands to London.
Don't let resentment eat you up. Just make an effort to visit them and likewise ask them to visit you.

Trains/buses/cars run in multiple directions. They want to visit, particularly if they’ve bought a more affordable home for themselves, they can pay a few pounds (as infrequently as they do) to travel to see YOU!

I wonder if (at least part) of the reason they moved to be closer to your sister is anticipating future care needs. Maybe they felt your sister would be more likely to help with this when the time comes. I assume house prices are also a factor and it would be more affordable to live in the North compared to London. When your sister first moved 3 hours away from your parents did she visit more often than you?

They way your mum hid the location of the move to you is off though and YANBU for being upset about that.

Are you sure you're not overthinking this? Do you think that they should have stayed equidistant even if they were not happy? You and your sister both moved away from them. They are entitled to live where they choose, and generally property is cheaper in the North.
I would just move on. Cost when you can. And don't turn it into something it might not be.

Honestly I think you are being unfair. If you parents wanted a change of scene and were going to move anyway , it made all the sense in the world for them to move near one of their children and grandchildren. ( I'm assuming London wasn't on their wish list)
Go and see them if you want or don't but this sulking and punishing them because they moved near one of their daughters seems a bit petulant to me.

Well, what did they expect when they moved somewhere at least 4.5 hours away from you? Did they think you'd be popping round for tea all the time? They can't have it both ways.

They have made it very difficult for your DD to have a relationship with them unless they're prepared to do a lot of travelling. The onus is on them because a) DD is very young for long journeys, b) your life is probably busier than theirs, and c) they were the ones who made the decision to move so far away from you.

Where your sister lives is not necessarily that relevant (although I think your parents knew they were showing hurtful favouritism, or they wouldn't have lied to you about it). The simple fact is that they live too far away for you to visit much, and this was their choice.

How often do THEY come to visit YOU?

Well, a 10 hour round drive for a weekend would be too much for me and my family regardless of the circumstances.

5 hours in reasonable traffic can get you way WAY up north from London, where do they live? Presumably you aren't SE London if you could get to the Midlands in 1.5?

Agree with others that you are perhaps cutting your nose off to spite your face here.

I sympathise with your upset, but it's reasonable that moving closer to London wouldn't be feasible for financial reasons, and I guess they didn't want to be far away from all their grandchildren!?

Similar family dynamic here but it is what it is and it takes work on both sides.

If it’s tricky to visit (and I can see how it can be with a young child) then it’s not unreasonable to visit infrequently.

But I think your resentment of your parents moving is unreasonable. It seems a bit telling that they felt they had to tell you they weren’t moving to be close to your sister. Why would this have been an issue? Why shouldn’t they move to be close to your sister? Their children had moved away from them leaving them feeling less attachment to where they lived so looking to change makes sense. Moving north was, presumably, an awful lot more doable for them with more upside than moving to London. Why would you have resented that? Why would that have needed “time to process your feelings”? It’s not as though you stuck around for them.

Yes, if they hadn't moved. Did you skim the middle of the op?

Why can't they visit you if they want to see your daughter? Why should you do all the running?
I wouldn't want to do a 10 hour round trip with a young child either.
And it sounds like your dad isn't very nice to you when you're there.

You're jealous of your sister because your parents live closer to her? This is what it boils down to?

You don't have to stay with your parents for days on end.
Get a cottage or Travel Lodge and have a holiday. You said it was a nice area. Your DC might like a break from London as she gets older

Remember you were the first to move away!
Should they have to stay in the Midlands just incase you visit.

It is easily doable, even with children for the odd weekend If you want a relationship with them. It is not Shetland.

Very immature of them to basically lie about moving, that’s just ridiculous, I’d be bloody furious. 5 hours is how far I am from family. I go up once a year and stay in a hotel. I won’t stay at my parents, mum smokes and drinks to the point of being very drunk. Up to you how often you go up, it’s a hell of a journey, always made worse by the current M1 then A1 (if it’s north east) roadworks.

These situations can be very difficult. I can understand your parents wanting to be near one of their daughters and grandchildren and at the end of the day, a move to London could well be impossible for them financially.
However, from your perspective, the deceit is very hurtful and was bound to cause upset.
It seems to me that you want to continue to see your parents and I do agree that it shouldn't be down to you to do all the visiting.
Could you have an honest conversation with your Mum at least to sort out the way forward?

Travel with small children is hell.
A weekend away means disruptive sleep, eating patterns and limited toys etc for entertainment.
IME it disrupts the following week as you have to get back into your daily routines & catch up with sleep.

I'd be very clear the next time they ask that you will nilot be travelling up for the weekend because its too disrupting for all of your family.

I'd also be wary of committing to spend Christmas or major holidays away from your home. Children are creatures of habit and will prefer to be in their home surrounded by their things for Christmas etc

I’m sorry op, but I think you’re being unreasonable here.
You moved away first. You put yourself and your life first, as you should! And you chose the most expensive city in the UK to move to (again, completely valid choice). Your parents also have that right.
I imagine when your sister moved, they then wanted to be closer to one of their daughters. And homes in the north are far far cheaper than in London. Maybe a slower pace of life too. I know I couldn’t live in London.
I can understand you can’t/don’t want to spend a fortune on visiting them. And given you have a child now, then they should probably make more effort to come to you. But it is selfish to expect them to stay in one place just to make visiting easier for you.
I would love to move to a place far from where I live. My kids are happy here and don’t want to, so as long as they live with me I will stay in the town I’m in. But when they grow up and fly the nest, I look forward to moving where I choose.

I hardly ever visit my parents, they live around 4 hours away and it’s too far for the children in the car and there’s not much space in their house for all of us to stay and not much to do where they live, so they come to us once or twice a year. I don’t feel bad, it’s not convenient for me so I don’t do it.

wow! WAit until it is your turn- and when it's too late.

Don't forget to tell them to give your part of the inheritance to someone who can be bothered, just to be fair.

A 10 hour round trip in the car with a small child is grim. Add stops and you're talking 6-7 hours each way. There's no way I'd be doing that in one weekend.

The train from London to Manchester is bloody expensive. And grim with a small child. You usually have to fold your buggy, stow all your stuff and hold the small child still on your lap for the whole journey. I've done it more than once.

I'd be visiting them twice a year at the most and stay in an Airbnb for a few days.