Invited friend extending invitation.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

Hi, I invited a friend to come and stay for a long weekend. She'll be travelling around 400 miles/under 2 hour flight if that helps.

She has extended the invitation to Mabel.

There was no invitation for Mabel.

Mabel is her Maltese dog.

We don't have pets and live in a small two bed.

I think this is quite rude as I now have to be the bad one "uninviting" Mabel.

Do pet owners assume this when they get an invitation?

Her reply has brought back memories I'd forgotten of her cf behaviour from when she visited 3 years ago
.
She was then meant to leave on the Sunday evening, but when I started preparing to say goodbye, she announced she'd now leave on Monday instead because of made up xyz. Poured herself a glass of wine and spread out on the sofa.
DH and I had been looking forward to a relaxing evening but figured she must be going through stuff and couldn't really throw her out.

She left after we'd got back from work. Can't believe it as I write it!
And regretting extending the invitation.

Goes without saying, I used to be a people pleaser. How do I say no without looking like the bad one, which is her intention?

I being U to say No?

Thanks.

Dh reminded me she's actually extended her stay 3 times in total now.
She will continue to abuse your hospitality if you let her. She’s planning to do it this time by bringing her dog.

@Newestname002 has nailed it: Seriously OP - grab that nettle with both hands, be very clear and build a huge boundary around your home with it. You can't go through life letting people walk all over you.

Being a “people pleaser” isn’t a good thing. It isn’t at all the same as being a nice person. It means you let pushy, undeserving people take advantage of you and your family. They get to lord it over you, you and your family get inconvenienced. The CFs learn that it works and they do the same to other people.
If you hold firm on this it’s a step along the way. You’ll learn that her thinking you’re “the bad one” is actually not a problem. You know there’s nothing bad about saying no to an uninvited dog imposed on you by someone who treats you and your husband with disrespect. And actually she knows that too. If she tried the same thing on someone more assertive and they immediately said “ah no Sandra, I didn’t say you could bring the dog, we are a pet free home so you will have to get a dog sitter if you still want to come” she’d accept it straight away. They only try the whyyyy and but but but on people they know are soft.

It's not a compliment when someone overstays their welcome.

It means they feel they can take the p*ss.

Thank you, it's good to hear this.
Will save this page for when I next come across such instances.

You're right, respect should go both ways.

I've been soft for so long but I've had enough, hence coming on here. The replies I sent are a huge step for me, but despite being hard, I realise it's the way forward.

Still no reply and left on read.

Let her bring the dog. But then if she's a pain again, don't invite her back.

She's already been a pain.

As a dog owner myself, if I invite friends who have dogs over (especially if they're single), I assume they'll bring their dog(s), partly because my dog gets on well with my friends/family's dogs, but also because I wouldn't want to cause them unnecessary expense just to come and see me.
I know that everyone is different, so if you don't want your friend's dog to come and visit, just say so, and make it clear that you already have plans for the day she's scheduled to leave, so she won't be able to extend her stay.

As a dog owner I would ask it was OK, fully understand it not to be and make arrangements. Rude to assume unless you have prior history of taking dogs to see each other. Xx

She still hasn't replied.

Also realised if she brings Mabel, we would have to plan everything around her.

We are quite spontaneous so would find it frustrating.
We compromise when visiting other people as we respect their ways and never question their rules.

Not saying anything says a lot.

Just cancel her visit! She's going to be a total pain in the arse. Be blunt, because it sounds as if she ignores polite and nuanced.

'Friend, you seem to be struggling with the idea of visiting without Mabel. It's best we just cancel.'

I think you should just cancel it. She is ignoring you to get you to say yes.

I can see both sides…not that I’m saying you should have invited Mabel but if she doesn’t have anyone to leave Mabel with then dog boarding is expensive. We end up paying £150 for a weekend and it needs to be booked at least 12 weeks in advance. if we’re visiting somewhere the dog can’t come. Most people say ‘oh bring her along’ but there are those that don’t so we pay it but with the caveat we need enough notice to arrange it.

With the staying an extra night thing, I wonder if it’s more about both your expectations/understanding of your relationship with one another. I have a friend I’ve known for a similar amount of time, have a sisterly relationship with who regularly stays. She’ll often decide to stay until Monday morning to avoid the Sunday night traffic or even work remotely from our house for the morning. I don’t think it would occur to her or me that she’d need a formal invitation to do so. I’m not saying you should feel the same way but perhaps she sees your relationship in that more easy going way?

I won't say yes. Her behaviour has made me realise how entitled she is and I'm glad to finally be able to say No. Won't back down now.

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme ,

I too have a friend I do this with, but it's mutual.
This friend has never invited me to stay over.

When she extends her stays, it's done in a sneaky way, always at a time when you're about to say your goodbyes. Last time it was already 10pm on a Sunday that she mentioned it, not asked.

I'd brought it up earlier by saying we'd eat early so she didn't have to drive late, dinner at 5pm, she just kinda didn't say anything.
Then the later it got without her shifting, the more awkward it was as we had work the next day.

Literally started tidying around her and getting things ready for the week ahead thinking she'd head off. Stopped topping up her drink, ssked if she had all her stuff and that's when she said about staying another night.

Her towel was in the laundry basket and bedding put away that morning.

Re' pet sitting, surely you factor that in when deciding to get a pet. DH and I both had dogs growing up and know it's a commitment we're not in a position to entertain at the moment.

We would also find it limiting as we're spontaneous and our jobs don't allow for it at the moment.

She doesn't question it when she goes on her trips abroad though and possibly not on her assertive family and friends either.

It's just soft silly me who's expected to, but no more.

I don't understand why you're just accepting being left on read. You could reply "Hi CF, I've not heard back from you since I mentioned the rules about pets. To be clear: dogs are not allowed. Please do not create an awkward situation by arriving with her. If you are unable to travel without Mabel, let's put this trip on hold and re-arrange for a time when you can arrange for a pet-sitter"

@MaryBethMayfair excellent text.

But also mention she can't stay longer than previously agreed.

She must be hugely entertaining if you've put up with this cobblers from her.

I reckon op, if you try being direct just once you will love the feeling of empowerment.

Yes a follow up text from you along the lines of have you found a pet sitter for Mabel or shall we rearrange for a time when you can find one? If I don't hear back I'll assume you haven't been able to find a pet sitter and won't be coming.

Yes, that sounds a bit sneakier than just saying you were thinking of staying an extra night and floating the idea on the Sunday morning.

Tbh we didn’t factor in pet sitting when we got her because we and most of our friends were child free and had a ready supply of dog sitters in our social group where we also used to return the pet sitting favour but as lives have got busier, families grew, commitments changed and our dog began developing health problems it became an issue. I don’t mind paying it, it’s more the frustrated impatience we’re met with when trips/visits are suggested at short notice and we have to say we can’t get a dog sitter.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

I won't say yes. Her behaviour has made me realise how entitled she is and I'm glad to finally be able to say No. Won't back down now.

It's just soft silly me who's expected to, but no more.

Good! Also @MaryBethMayfair's text wording is good and outs you firmly back in control - not just in this instance but wherever CF Behaviour is being foisted on you. Hoist up your bosom and get her told. 🌹

I agree

It's just soft silly me who's expected to, but no more
Good for you OP!

@Treesandsheepeverywhere This is great OP, you are handling this brilliantly. Her behaviour in the past extending her stay so sneakily is atrocious.

I feel you have really turned a corner here with your hitherto people pleasing ways! By all means, please them if they respect and appreciate you for it. Otherwise, don't. I am still working on this lesson myself.

Thank you all, visit is a month away, so she has plenty of time to arrange something.
She'd been hinting at visiting for longer too.

I won't reply about the dog but will match her in ignoring it as I've said all I need to.

Happy to text non-related stuff, I won't just blank her but will mention closer to the date to confirm and if she brings the dog up, I'll stand firm in saying No.

It's a shame as she's good company otherwise.

I get that some people see their pets as almost kids but it's entitled to expect everyone else to feel the same.

I certainly am loving changing the narrative. Been a people pleaser for way too long.
Good luck @LauderSyme , we can do it!

Do you have a video doorbell or a peep hole?

Don’t open the door if Mabel is with her!

And make it clear on the planned day that she has to leave as you have plans.

I definitely needto get a special Mabel ring doorbell 😅.

She'll either sulk and it's never spoken of again, or she'll say she can't find a sitter/ sitter cancelled at the last minute after she'd booked her flight.

It will still be a No as will then use landlord as an excuse.

Folk sure are strange!

I can totally see this one turning up at 10pm with Mabel in tow, claiming it’s too late to drive back home.