Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

She blames me for pneumonia

68 replies

Charliesunnysky10 · 22/04/2024 12:04

My 16 year old daughter had an occasional cough and I took her to the GP twice who said it was just a residual cough from an earlier virus and might last 3 months. A month later I took her to hospital where she remained for 2 weeks fighting a very severe pneumonia. I never left her side and while I was at my lowest place, I stayed strong and positive for her, constantly researching how to help her to get better. It was likely missed because she's a fit and healthy teenager who was disguising the symptoms until her overworked immune system was overpowered by a separate additional viral infection.
This morning I was curling her hair and accidentally sprayed hair protector near her drink. She snapped at me that it's this carelessness that caused her pneumonia. I should have laughed it off or ignored her but it broke my heart. I've little perspective on this because not had time to see my friends, put my life and work on hold to support her and help her get well. My choice, but it was necessary as she has her GCSE's in 2 weeks. I'm the adult here, but I snapped back that it's nobody's fault. Just bad luck, and she needs to be mindful of her hurtful words.
I can't stop crying. I'm so upset that she accused me of accepting the GP's opinion. I have pushed back when being fobbed off or ignored so many times in hospital and at outpatient appointments since she was diagnosed - I wish I'd had the foresight and conviction to do it then. She really touched a nerve. I'm her mum. I should have known. But I'm still angry that she blames me.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 22/04/2024 12:16

I think you need to not take this to heart too much. She's still very young and had a really serious health scare, and she doesn't quite understand how pneumonia or the health care system works, and she was feeling emotional and said something hurtful. There is nothing more to it.

I had pneumonia as a child and nearly died, and I had it again as an adult and was really ill and in hospital. I was ill with the actual pneumonia for several months, but still unwell for about 6 months in total. It takes an enormous toll on you physically and psychologically. She sounds like she was unwell at a really crucial time in life, which was just bad luck, but is still struggling with that.

And it's very common to not be taken seriously as an otherwise healthy young woman. I was turned away from A & E literally coughing up blood before I was eventually hospitalised about a week later. They told me it was probably hayfever and that I could also stand to lose a bit of weight and sent me on my way (this was not the NHS, btw, I was living abroad and it was a very nice private hospital, the NHS was fab when I finally made it back to the UK). But she doesn't really understand how this works yet.

I think try to just let this slide and keep supporting her to get better and get back to normal life. It sounds like it was just one of those things that people say when they are feeling upset and stressed, but don't really mean.

RandomButtons · 22/04/2024 12:19

“This morning I was curling her hair and accidentally sprayed hair protector near her drink. “

if that was the case we’d all get pneumonia, and you’d never get an appointment with hairdressers as they’d all be in hospital.

Shes 16 and exhausted. She’s snapping because she’s moody. You are doing a great job.

Caroparo52 · 22/04/2024 12:19

Stay strong op. You did everything in your power to help dd. It was a series of unfortunate events that led to the pneumonia. You couldn't have done more. 16 is a tricky age and dd is likely striking out to you because it's safe to do so.
Trust your gut. She loves you and couldn't be without you. But 16 is abitch a difficult

AGlinnerOfHope · 22/04/2024 12:20

She was scared- and still is if she’s panicking about spray near her drink.

You are her mum and therefore should be both invincible and invulnerable.

Completely unreasonable and also completely normal.

Have a cuppa and a walk. Get some time to yourself. When you’re past exam times have a chat about how she is now, whether she still feels you should have known better than the doctors and if she’s suffering health anxiety as a result of her scare. She may need counselling- two weeks in hospital must have been very scary despite your presence and on top of her illness.

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 22/04/2024 12:21

@mindutopia Thank you. I'm so sorry this happened to you too. An awful thing to go through. I hope you've made a good recovery.

I really needed to hear your logical, calm view on this to give me a perspective.

OP posts:

ToryHater · 22/04/2024 12:29

She's snapping because she is weak and convalescent from a serious illness.

On the other hand you are a parent and 'not had time to see my friends, put my life and work on hold to support her and help her get well.' is the absolute minimum any parent would do

Myrighteyeball · 22/04/2024 12:32

Ah OP. I too have a 16 year old. She occasionally says quite hurtful, ill-considered things - and she hasn't been recently seriously ill and has no looming exams (we're in Oz). It's just the age. Sounds like you handled it just fine by letting her know that it is not ok to blame or speak to you like that. You're doing great, you're a good mum. She's 16. It will pass.

SeulementUneFois · 22/04/2024 12:33

ToryHater · 22/04/2024 12:29

She's snapping because she is weak and convalescent from a serious illness.

On the other hand you are a parent and 'not had time to see my friends, put my life and work on hold to support her and help her get well.' is the absolute minimum any parent would do

Oh yeah that's the "absolute minimum" , @ToryHater ?
What do you think that the maximum would be then?

HappyFitnessQueen · 22/04/2024 12:33

You reacted in just the right way. You've both been through a lot - it doesn't mean she can take it out on you when you're doing everything you can. You have to be careful with your kids and their version of events. It's actually a good thing that you're aware that a little part of her blames you in some way...you need to keep reminding her of the real story or this will always be her version. It's quite scary how the mind works and the negative impact of misunderstanding the situation could really harm her and your relationship...I'd keep checking in on this.

MatildaTheCat · 22/04/2024 12:35

All of the above. You’ve all had a really horrible time and she’s angry with her situation not you.

As an aside though, after I had Covid I couldn’t bear anyone to use an aerosol spray near me, my chest immediately tightened up. Perhaps she has some similar issues.

Shopper727 · 22/04/2024 12:38

I am a nurse (paeds) and a mum and yes she’s been very poorly and is likely weak but she is still 16 and can control what comes out of her mouth and what she said isn’t kind and you were hurt and I think I’d step back from the hair curling and just say, I understand moodiness but her pneumonia is not your fault and you won’t put up with hurtful comments and move on. I used to get sworn at and all sorts from teens on ward - we had many long term teens with various diagnoses - cf/diabetes etc and they were angry and frustrated at missing out on life but I refused to be sworn at.

I hope she’s better soon and back to her old self, it might be while till you get some ‘you time’ but it’ll be amazing when you do. Yes we as parents step up and are there for our kids in times of need but we are also people who need time out and self care to be able to provide that care (I have a child with caring needs) and it’s good to recognise you need that, it does not make you less of a parent to admit you want time. I’ve been solely caring for my son for a time recently due to his dad being poorly - Ex is usually really hands on so I’m knackered and stressed and getting on with it, but when ex is feeling better and the kids can visit I’ll be having some me time doing something nice for myself.

Longdueachange · 22/04/2024 13:05

You are both tired and teenagers are tactless. Yours is being a particular arse because not only has she had to deal with hormones, 16+ options, GCSEs, she has also been ill. In the moment she lashed out and made it all your fault - you are her safe person, so you are the one she is going to tell she blames. Don't take it to heart op, she knows it isn't your fault.

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 22/04/2024 14:21

Oh god...I just cried for a solid god knows how long reading your replies. Thank you for taking the time to reply. They all helped and meant a great deal.

I took her for x-ray today and the empyema is still there, but reduced from the last Xray 2 weeks ago. I'm dreading going back to work because I can't be sure I'll cope. Those weeks in hospital were terrifying. My sister died at that hospital from pneumonia, a complication of CF, and it was so hard. But I know I have to go back. I never thought in a million years she would blame me for this. But I suppose it's good to set things straight. She does need to be more careful with her words. But I know teenagers are not always the best at tact and diplomacy.

OP posts:

kiwiane · 22/04/2024 14:29

Just act the adult here and stop letting her upset you so badly.

PotOfViolas · 22/04/2024 14:29

My dc are normally OK, but can get stressed and tetchy before exams. I let it wash over me. Your dd is probably stressed about gcse exams in a fortnight and lashing out.

Supersimkin2 · 22/04/2024 14:40

Rude and forgiveable under circs.

HcbSS · 22/04/2024 14:52

What a brat! You have been a fantastic mum OP, caring for her and advocating for her, and she should be thanking you, not blaming you.
Do not waste another minute doubting yourself. You have done brilliantly. I guess that you have done all this alone too, given as you never mention a dad taking over from you in the hospital to give you a break. You deserve a medal!

Megifer · 22/04/2024 14:54

You're only human op, I'd have been really upset at such a shitty and hurtful comment too after everything.

16 year olds are notoriously often bratty and selfish arseholes, and she was probably scared. So while there may be some defence I'd want her to think about the effect her words can have, especially when they are completely over the top dramatic and incorrect. Saying "sorry for being a dick to you" goes a long way.

BobbyBiscuits · 22/04/2024 14:57

It was said in a fit of pique, it's very common for kids to 'blame' their parent for something over which they've no control to try and indicate annoyance. I think it's to test boundaries and shift power. I know I've done it as a kid. It gets a reaction. She knows it's not true that you caused her illness. It's just upset and frustration coming out.

Boxerdor · 22/04/2024 15:00

She’s been very rude and I would expect an apology from her

theemmadilemma · 22/04/2024 15:04

She's probably angry and a bit traumatised.

I nearly lost my life to pneumonia at 20 - life support the lot. I had seen the Dr twice, he'd been to our home once. It was only on the second home visit when I was light sensitive that an ambulance was called and I was blue lighted to hospital. It's no one's fault for missing it. Sometimes it doesn't present as expected and gets missed. I don't blame the Dr who was excellent and upset he'd missed or my Mum.

But at 48 it's still a pretty traumatic memory.

Ambergrease · 22/04/2024 15:05

As others have said, your dd was rude but it’s forgivable in the circumstances. It’s unsurprising that it got you - you’ve had a rough time, too.

@kiwiane is also being rude, but with no extenuating circumstances.

theemmadilemma · 22/04/2024 15:06

Oh and scared. Don't discount how scared she might be.

Depending on how serious it was, some talk therapy might even help. I wish I'd had some at the time.

Original poster

Charliesunnysky10 · 22/04/2024 15:10

@HcbSS Thank you, that's really kind. My OH (her dad) works nights and visited every day and sorted our son at home...he was/is very good, so I'm not running off with all the credit here 😀

I'm on unpaid leave so his wage coming in keeps us afloat too.

He agrees that her words are 'bang out of order' as he knows how much I've put into helping her get back on track but he said they're 'just words'. He doesn't see that they cut like a knife from someone I love so much, and that I long to go back 6 weeks and demand that GP do her bloods for inflammatory markers, listen to her chest....

Part of me knows I could have insisted. But I never thought it was possible.

OP posts:

CuriousMoe · 22/04/2024 15:21

Don't take it to heart. I was hospitalised with pneumonia when I was 13. We'd moved house and I had had to move schools, so it was my 3rd school in 2 years. I had a cough for ages and my mum just thought I didn't want to go to school and kept sending me in saying 'you'll never make friends if you don't go in'... Until I collapsed at home unable to breathe. I felt unwell, but even I at the time didn't realise how unwell I was. It was all very scary at the time but we laugh about the events leading up to it now 20 years later. I certainly don't hold it against her.
We all do our best as parents, we're not mind readers. She is just being a stroppy teen and probably still recovering. Give her and yourself a bit of time to process and it will hopefully all be a distant memory in a few years.

Flip

1 2 3