She blames me for pneumonia

[Charliesunnysky10]

My 16 year old daughter had an occasional cough and I took her to the GP twice who said it was just a residual cough from an earlier virus and might last 3 months. A month later I took her to hospital where she remained for 2 weeks fighting a very severe pneumonia. I never left her side and while I was at my lowest place, I stayed strong and positive for her, constantly researching how to help her to get better. It was likely missed because she's a fit and healthy teenager who was disguising the symptoms until her overworked immune system was overpowered by a separate additional viral infection.
This morning I was curling her hair and accidentally sprayed hair protector near her drink. She snapped at me that it's this carelessness that caused her pneumonia. I should have laughed it off or ignored her but it broke my heart. I've little perspective on this because not had time to see my friends, put my life and work on hold to support her and help her get well. My choice, but it was necessary as she has her GCSE's in 2 weeks. I'm the adult here, but I snapped back that it's nobody's fault. Just bad luck, and she needs to be mindful of her hurtful words.
I can't stop crying. I'm so upset that she accused me of accepting the GP's opinion. I have pushed back when being fobbed off or ignored so many times in hospital and at outpatient appointments since she was diagnosed - I wish I'd had the foresight and conviction to do it then. She really touched a nerve. I'm her mum. I should have known. But I'm still angry that she blames me.

@theemmadilemma Oh my... That's so awful, and frightening for you and your family. I'm so glad you survived that, and hopefully are fully better.
I think how you said it perfectly...it presented in a young healthy person completely differently, and I understood how the GP missed it. The second time we went back I felt a bit embarrassed that we were still banging on about the cough. Why would it be anything else? Yet it was a ticking time bomb.

You will both be traumatised by what you’ve gone through. And with your history with your sister dying of pneumonia in the same hospital (I’m sorry for your loss) I wouldn’t be surprised if you had PTSD which is why you’ve reacted so strongly to a stroppy teen. . I think it may well be worth getting signed of from work for a bit and getting some counselling. Her pneumonia was definitely not your fault in any way and neither was her misdiagnosis but I would not personally be challenging your daughter right now as she’s also had a very rough time and is experiencing exam stress. Maybe you could do something nice as a family tonight? Get a takeaway or go out for pizza? Be kind to yourself.

@CuriousMoe I'm so glad your story has a happy ending. What a huge thing to go through, especially at 13. I'm glad you made a good recovery though x

OP don't even question it. You trusted a healthcare professional, who was probably trusting his/her own judgement too, given the case he had in front of him. She then took a turn for the worse - perhaps not predictable at the time. Pneumonia in otherwise healthy teenagers is rare!
I hope that your partner has stuck up for you in this. She should not be allowed to get away with bad behaviour due to her illness/upcoming exams. A small amount of tetchiness/grumpiness = normal. Insulting your mother and blaming her for her condition = in your partner's words 'bang out of order'.
She will soon be at sixth form/old enough to work/vote/learn to drive etc. I she wants all those perks of being ore 'grown up' she needs to act more grown up. I bet she wouldn't dare backchat her teachers like that. She needs to show you some respect.

@HcbSS No, she wouldn't backchat any of the teachers. And to be fair, the last person she blasted is a classmate 6 months ago, who keeps her at arm's length to this day. I don't want her to bite her tongue always, and I know it's a tough line to judge... when to speak up and when to wait/let it go. Some people will always be impulsive. I guess I just want her to appreciate the damage we can do with words, though I admit, had I not also gone through hell this past month, I'd have brushed her words off, gone to work, and forgotten all about it.

You should not be EXPECTED to brush it off and forget about it, gone through hell or not. Accusing someone of putting you in hospital is serious, and hurtful. And she needs to learn that pronto while she is in this safe environment. If she gets gobby and starts throwing her weight around in the workplace, she will be out on her ear. And as you say, she has form for treating people badly and has recently lost a friend. Learning to think before you speak is a key part of life. Call it 'taking immodium for verbal diarrhoea!'

Pneumonia takes a long time to recover from. I had it mildly when I was 26 and very fit but your daughter must have had it much more severely to be hospitalised. It’s likely that she is still feeling very tired and just got snappy

As a 40 year old now I can reflect and realise that when I was a teenager I snapped and said hurtful things to my Mum when I was feeling anxious/overwhelmed. I realised this in my early 20s and became aware of it and so could stop myself (and apologised to my Mum!).

As others have said, she’s a teenager and is probably physically and mentally vulnerable from being so unwell. You sound like a lovely Mum!

Goodness there is so much here . What a time you have had.

I think those tears needed to come. And probably for your daughter too. You have both had a really scary time.

Are you able to sit down together and talk about what you have both been through? sharing how tough it has been for both of you could be quite therapeutic.,

OP, she loves you so much that she felt safe blurting that out to you. It’s a difficult age, and she trusts you to be the one to look out for her and save her. Always. Like you are magic. She is likely scared and she is thinking now that she too could actually have died. Like your sister. It’s scary. And how could you do that to her, when you are her magic mum.

When in reality you did everything you could, and she knows that in her heart too. Or will when she gets older.

I've had recurring bouts of pneumonia through my life.

It's exhausting. You lose your filter. Deep down you feel resentful but don't know where to aim it and it is scary. You're in pain.

Please don't take it personally. She's young and ill and it sounds like it was a fight or flight comment because something aerosol was near her drink. You can't reason with your lizard brain and she's still getting a hold of her impulse control.

If she's usually open to communication you could ask her why she feels carelessness was the cause of her pneumonia or how she feels it was avoidable by being careful, and explain that you understand it wasn't your fault and you are upset by what she said, but you appreciate it's a worrying time.

If she's not likely to be open to communication I would let bygones be bygones.

It's understandable that you are both sensitive and emotional after going through troubling times. It must have been quite frightening for her to be hospitalised and struggle with her breathing and the worry and anxiety you suffered was also traumatic.

But you are the adult here and should understand that she is young and what she said was a thoughtless off the cuff remark.

You have both suffered in different ways and hopefully now she is recovering, your relationship ship will get back on an even keel.

Thank you. I definitely needed to have a massive cry. My eyelids need their own postcode.

She is sorry but also very angry as her school won't apply for extra time in her exams because she's still doing ok and doesn't look tired. She gets up at 6am to do an exam paper every day and I'm scared she'll burn out before the exams.

I didn't tell her my sister died from pneumonia at the same hospital. I tried not to think about it and we were living hour by hour anyway.

Does school know she's been hospitalised for two weeks?

I've had to fight and advocate for resources to help myself get extra time in exams in the past. I would suggest that you gather the sicknote for her time in hospital, and a further sick note from GP for the next 4 weeks (the maximum they can prescribe) which you will have dictated to them exactly what you want it to say, namely that: "<name> is still in recovery from pneumonia, and has fatigue from her immune system fighting the ongoing infection. She is finding it difficult to concentrate for extended periods on her school work and would therefore benefit from extra time allowance in her exams." and then PUSH the exams officer, welfare team and head teacher on it, with every hint that you will go to governors if needed. They may well try to fob you off that it's too late and truth be told it IS close to the line, but the timing of your daughter's illness is not anybody's fault, it does just need prompt action from school to ensure that she has a fair chance in her exams.

@ThatLibraryDebate Thank you. I'm sorry you've had to fight for a level playing field.

That's really good advice and I really appreciate it.

She has a lot on her plate. A sudden health scare, pneumonia, hospital and exam stress are a lot to deal with. She's pushing herself very hard at a time when ideally she should be resting. I'd cut her some slack right now and just go into another room and roll your eyes at the wall.

You're exhausted. Running on empty. Logically, you know you didn't cause this and you've done everything you could have to be there for her, advocate for her and support her. But it must be difficult to compute this, and put her comments in perspective, when you're so tired.

The two of you have both been (and still are being) pushed to and beyond your limits.

Personally I'd wait until the exams are over and then, when that stress is removed, have a serious chat with her about how, even when you're under pressure, it's not ok to treat people in the way she treated you.

@CrispieCake That's very sound advice -thank you.

My hubby collected her from school instead of me (he's a quiet man of few words and they're very close). He told her it's not acceptable and I've been very upset.

She could see I'd been crying and apologised (which I thanked her for and left it at that) though she did say she didn't mean it and she can't help herself sometimes.

To be fair a good chunk of my tears were from the understanding replies. To feel like somebody cares enough to offer support and kind words is everything as I've not been out of hospital or home this past month, and didn't realise how much that's probably affected me.

@CrispieCake That's very sound advice -thank you.

My hubby collected her from school instead of me (he's a quiet man of few words and they're very close). He told her it's not acceptable and I've been very upset.

She could see I'd been crying and apologised (which I thanked her for and left it at that) though she did say she didn't mean it and she can't help herself sometimes.

To be fair a good chunk of my tears were from the understanding replies. To feel like somebody cares enough to offer support and kind words is everything as I've not been out of hospital or home this past month, and didn't realise how much that's probably affected me

I'd have profusely apologised and put the curler down and said "You're right, I am careless and maybe I made you so ill, I'd better stop doing so much for you so you can be happier and healthier without me" and then done NOTHING for her until she apologised.

Pneumonia can hit very suddenly, and very hard.

Last year I saw the GP with a very nasty bug I hadn’t been able to shake off after over 10 days. But no actual pain or difficulty with breathing.

Just a virus, he said, and to be fair, having checked me over properly.

That same evening, pneumonia hit me like an express train - sudden onset of shallow, painful breathing. 111, ambulance, blue-lighted to hospital, where pneumonia was followed immediately by pleurisy.
I was in hospital for 3 weeks and on ABs for 5 weeks altogether.

It took me several weeks to recover properly (I had a partially collapsed lung etc.) but was lucky to have been relatively fit in the first place.
🤞your dd recovers fully soon. I’m sure the illness will really have knocked her for six.

Extra time no for exams but she get ask for special consideration for them so I would try and get that sorted.

it is hard on everybody and sometimes people say things they don’t mean at the people they love the most

They really can be total arses at this age- my son blamed me for not picking up the fact he had ADHD when he was younger- to be honest he just came over as a bit of an odd bod at times and it wasn't talked about as much.

It was a miss diagnosis by a GP which lead to the pneumonia.

You need to make this clear to her and instill some boundaries so she stops her attitude towards you.

A bit of a different perspective here; I am very unfairly (still) blaming my MIL for not helping me when I had pneumonia, I had a horrendous cough for weeks, was alone as DH was away on a business trip abroad, and one day I felt so weak that I messaged my MIL asking for help, and that I didn't feel able to get out of bed to take my daughter to nursery which is 10mn away. Very unlike me, first time I had ever asked her for help on anything. I asked her to come and help me, she didn't work on that day and lives 20mn away by car, and she didn't come. She advised me to 'work from home', completely misunderstanding the situation and how unwell I was (it wasn't even a question of me working, I could barely stand up).
When you're already very weak, you don't have the strength to advocate for yourself, so you just plough through hoping to get better. The GP didn't help me, my own MIL didn't help me and I felt completely abandoned.
DH came back from his trip and took me again to the GP who urgently sent me to A&E. By that point I was in the early stages of sepsis, full blown pneumonia in both lungs and placed in intensive care.
It took me a year to recover fully.
I am still resentful to my MIL to this day and it really damaged our relationship.

Your case is very different, but you need to understand your daughter went through the scariest moment of her life. If anything, it would probably help her that you showed some anger at the GP for not giving her the right diagnosis, or at her school for not allowing her to push her exams.Otherwise, how can she feel like she has a strong advocate in you? Some circumstances warrant some raised voices, whether it is with how GPs failed to see what was happening or with the school. Otherwise she will see you as a person who just won't support her when circumstances get difficult and just takes it on the chin without fighting for her.

Reading your post I have no doubt you are a fantastic mum who did her best, and she is unfair to you, but this is just to enlighten you a bit on her (probable) emotional turmoil.