She blames me for pneumonia

[Charliesunnysky10]

My 16 year old daughter had an occasional cough and I took her to the GP twice who said it was just a residual cough from an earlier virus and might last 3 months. A month later I took her to hospital where she remained for 2 weeks fighting a very severe pneumonia. I never left her side and while I was at my lowest place, I stayed strong and positive for her, constantly researching how to help her to get better. It was likely missed because she's a fit and healthy teenager who was disguising the symptoms until her overworked immune system was overpowered by a separate additional viral infection.
This morning I was curling her hair and accidentally sprayed hair protector near her drink. She snapped at me that it's this carelessness that caused her pneumonia. I should have laughed it off or ignored her but it broke my heart. I've little perspective on this because not had time to see my friends, put my life and work on hold to support her and help her get well. My choice, but it was necessary as she has her GCSE's in 2 weeks. I'm the adult here, but I snapped back that it's nobody's fault. Just bad luck, and she needs to be mindful of her hurtful words.
I can't stop crying. I'm so upset that she accused me of accepting the GP's opinion. I have pushed back when being fobbed off or ignored so many times in hospital and at outpatient appointments since she was diagnosed - I wish I'd had the foresight and conviction to do it then. She really touched a nerve. I'm her mum. I should have known. But I'm still angry that she blames me.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER That sent chills! How terrifying for you. And so similar to our experience, in terms of onset, presentation, length of hospital stay and on antibiotics. She has just switched from IV antibiotics to oral ones. I'm so glad you've made a good recovery. Thank you for sharing your story - it gives me some insight into how it might have been missed too x

Not necessarily a misdiagnosis. See my pp above.

@Anametolove I'm so sorry you went through that, awful terrifying illnesses. That was so serious and I'm glad you made a good recovery.

I made representation on her behalf every day while in hospital and as an outpatient, and have had several discussions with school. Most of it has been out of earshot as I didn't want to risk her being upset. But she's been party to a few conversations with bedflow managers and ward staff, when we've been let down or ignored and she knows I'm 100% with her. What I won't do is kick off for the sake of it when there's nothing to be gained. And she knows that too.

However, she doesn't appreciate it when I offer an alternative viewpoint. Example, a girl she sits next to is boy-mad and my daughter avoids her at freetime as she says she's boring, but admits this girl has nobody to hang out with and I asked my daughter to try seeing it from her point of view and maybe getting a bit of a conversation going about other stuff. But she then does the 'you're always seeing it from everyone else's perspective but mine'.

I will bear what you said in mind though. It's a very valuable point of view x

Pneumonia is life threatening and perhaps she wasn’t saying you were personally careless, because she has a point that the GP was careless and carelessness did lead to her developing pneumonia. Her words were “it’s this sort of carelessness that…” I don’t think she meant you, your carelessness…she has a right to be angry at the GP and the NHS for almost making her a sad statistic with a coroners inquest on ‘missed opportunities.’ I understand why you took it personally, it was a clumsy way for her to word things, but she’s had a near death experience.

On a side note- ‘My choice, but it was necessary as she has her GCSE's in 2 weeks.’ Have you asked the school to work with the exam board on this? She has been so ill, I think that she should get an extenuating circumstances letter so her grades can be assessed accordingly.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Your situation was the first time that I'd considered that even if they'd done bloods and listened to her chest (particularly the 2nd time I took her a fortnight before she was admitted) they might not have diagnosed pneumonia, as she went downhill pretty fast. However she did have chest pain when she breathed a week after the 2nd GP appointment, which I thought was a pulled muscle from a sports trial where she'd really pushed herself and I'll be honest, I was dreading darkening the GP surgery door a 3rd time. The decision was taken out of my hands when she called out me in the night with a raging temp and shortness of breath and 111 sent us to an out of hours GP who but a stethoscope on her back and said it was pneumonia x

I have had pneumonia as a teen and it is scary. At one point my temperature was so high, I was hallucinating. There were many nights in hospital that, I seriously thought if I fell asleep, I would die. I would continue to go easy on her. It’s a lot for both of you to have gone through.

hope you get some rest now OP and I'm glad your DD is on the up.

Just wanted to say you sound like a brilliant mum. Your daughter has said something hurtful but she was probably exhausted. And as you said in a pp. If you weren't exhausted yourself from the ordeal you probably would have brushed off her words and forgotten about them.

look after yourself

@BabaBarrio Thank you. There's a lot of wisdom and perspective in your post x

I've been into school and their hands are tied. Extenuating circumstances can only be applied to disadvantages on the day of the exam - she's recovering now and unless God forbid, she got ill again, that loss of revision time doesn't count. However she's working hard now to make up for it. Luckily she took no subjects with coursework or languages as these would have been right after her hospital discharge x

@BabaBarrio How awful. I'm so sorry you went through that - so scary. This was one reason I never left her side. I hope you also had some good support x

@UserNMCHNG That's very kind of you - thank you. It took a lot out of me, trying to keep her spirits up, encouraging her to eat and have little walks to look out of the window etc, Then keeping on top of her meds & pain relief, sorting out the next steps, x-rays, my own work situation and home etc. And with a few hours sleep, but honestly I know people who do this for months on end, even years...so brave. It just wiped me out, those weeks x

That’s not exactly right. They can apply to circumstances that happen immediately before or during.
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/regulating-gcses-as-and-a-levels-guide-for-schools-and-colleges-2022/special-consideration

”Special consideration
Support for students affected by illness, injury, or other events outside of their control.
Ofqual defines special consideration as any adjustments given to a student who has temporarily experienced an illness, injury, or other event outside of their control at the time of the assessment which significantly affects their ability to:

• take an assessment
• demonstrate what they can do in an assessment

Special consideration is only for things that happen immediately before or during an exam or assessment that has a material effect on a student’s ability to take that exam or assessment, or on how they performed. To be eligible for special consideration students must have been fully prepared for the assessment and have covered the whole course. Students are not eligible for special consideration because their education was disrupted, either by the pandemic or for any other reason.”

and JCQ p7 says for a “very serious problem” like a “life threatening illness of candidate” and only during the assessment- which isn’t the same as on the day of the exam.
https://www.jcq.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Guideto_spec_con_process_2023_24_FINAL.pdf

For 3% consideration instead of 4%, JCQ regulation lists a “recent illness of a more serious nature”
with recent defined as “up to four months prior to the examination”

Being hospitalised for weeks for pneumonia is a serious illness.

Your DD should qualify for the 3% at a minimum, and may qualify for the 4%

She just needs someone/ something to blame..Not acceptable but understandable after what she's been through.

@BabaBarrio Thank you so much. School have said she's not struggling at all during lessons with tiredness or with concentration during the 2 HR practice exams they did this week. She scored full marks in one and the highest in the other and she says she wants to do it on her own and know she didn't get help so there's not much scope to intervene. It's good to know though, in case things go downhill at any point. Thank you again x

While her work ethic is admirable and she is obviously academically talented, refusing the special consideration she is entitled to does put her at a disadvantage compared to her peers.

These allowances are to even the playing field, to make it fair for her, they are not to help her as in get an unfair leg up. I do wonder what the school might have said about it to influence her into thinking it is “help” when it isn’t.

I am surprised the school rejected it out of hand. They sound work shy imho, like they don’t want the ball ache of submitting the paperwork.

This morning I was curling her hair and accidentally sprayed hair protector near her drink. She snapped at me that it's this carelessness that caused her pneumonia

^

Ahem.

Let me guess, you have a gentle parenting approach

Teenagers do tend to thrash about, blaming everyone else for everything.

Hopefully, she’ll grow up soon.😉

Not normally, I'm told by the kids that I'm loving, but pretty strict. However, 2 weeks in hospital was draining for us both, one with pneumonia, the other worried sick because day by day she's getting worse. So, as I explained, I'm more relaxed and being gentle on both of us because we've been through a lot.

I'm afraid that would have been my likely response too. It would have hit the spot.