AIBU with husband about deodorant

[Andrea130215]

So I have forgotten to buy some deodorant over a few days as been busy with work/ kids and not had time. Husband offered to buy some in the Tesco weekly shop which suited me and I sent him screen shots of the deodorant (roll on) that I have always used and refuse to use the spray deodorants as bad for the environment and also make me cough! So whilst we were at our children’s swim class my husband started doing the food shop order and checked if a bigger size deodorant was ok, I said yes and thought nothing more of it. This evening the shopping came and the deodorants I had pulled out were deodorant sprays (assumed they were for husband as kids were also messing about so didn't pay complete attention!) any how he then said here’s your deodorant I got so annoyed and had quite a go at him showed him the photos I’d text him of what I wanted and said I can’t use what was ordered. He then went on to say I didn’t specify roll on / spray but when I tried to show him photos of how different a spray bottle which has a cap on and a roll on look he then started having a go at me saying it’s my fault as he had ‘double checked’ with me! So annoyed as he’s never in the whole time we’ve been together seen me use a deodorant spray I’ve always used roll on so I assumed he’d just know. I usually stick to getting my own toiletries and the one time I trusted him in 10+yrs this happens. I’m so annoyed but he just doesn’t see any fault of his own. AIBU and petty and any point of views I can show to my husband that it’s not all my fault. I know this may seem petty but when ever ‘he’ gets things wrong won’t take accountability and twists how I’ve said or done something for that ‘wrong’ to happen so he’s not at fault. So frustrating. We can’t agree on this but others we have a great marriage and usually think / have the same ideas and morals. I also now can’t give the doesn’t back as the delivery guy left!

It worth the agro imo - if he's never bought it before, and he won't sit the watching what deodorant you put on each day, he wouldn't know and has clearly just grabbed the right brand at its best price point.

Really? As much as I love my DP, I don’t have every consumable he uses committed to memory!!! Totally unreasonable.

His question about “a bigger one” was probably linked to him thinking it looked different to usual, and OP replied saying it was fine. Not really fair to then “have a go at him”.

Oh wow look I’d these are the problems you have then I’d just let it go. 😂

YABU. My partner brings home the wrong stuff or just completely forgets what I have asked for (whether I have sent screenshots of the specific item or not). I say "FFS" then get on with my day.

The husband was doing the shopping and OP says he offered to get her some deodorant. I don't think I would notice if my husband had even ran out of deodorant to offer to get more, and he would sort out getting his own anyway.

OP's husband probably, in common with lots of female posters on here, doesn't think it was that big a deal that it wasn't the exact specific one, and to be fair he did make an attempt to check. Tena ladies v sanitary towels? Don't know why you've brought that up because it's not relevant here.

Anyway OP says they generally have a good marriage so you know, it's a minor irritant but fuck me, nobody's perfect.

Completely agree. He even had a photo. It couldn't have been easier.

I struggle to believe unless you literally live in the middle on nowhere 30 minutes from a shop, that you have not had 10 minutes to dive in and buy an essential item. Would you have done the same for tampons?
Nobody is that busy.

Fuck me some of you are ridiculous.

"Sure, Floral Blush, Pink Lid... yep that's the one... oh there's a bigger one on offer. Just double check that's OK. Yes she's said OK. Order that one then..."

If OP was here saying she'd done the same with his deodorant and he'd had a "right go" then everyone would be telling her LTB because it was a sign of deeper abuse and he was being ridiculous and unreasonable.

This is a massive overreaction for a deodorant.

Are you positive your marriage is fine ?

Agree. I wouldn't go several days without deodorant and then have a go at the person who got me one.

I have read through lots of these posts and realise I am being ridiculous! We have had a bit of a laugh reading it back and maybe I was a bit OTT with my initial response. I’ve slept on it and apologised as it’s not worth falling out over. Also my husband always does the weekly food shop order AND does 80% of the cooking so he’s a great husband overall.

I can be an absolute petty cow but you should have just told him - brand X roll on scent Y.
that’s what I do when I ask DP to get me things (even bolded and caps WITH WINGS the last time). why leave it open for mistakes when you’re that particular about the deodorant you use?
Why would he pay attention to what deodorant you use?

👍🏻

Yes you overreacted, but I get it. My DH can be so oblivious to things it annoys me, then it will take something really minor in the grand scheme of things for me to blow up at him. It's not the deodorant in itself, it's the 10,000 other little things that came before it (whether that's from him, or the stress of the day, or whatever) that meant this was the thing that tipped you over the edge.

In one of our examples, DH moaned that dinner was going to be late as I was getting home later than planned, but then asked if there was anything he could do to help.

I asked him to prepare the potatoes for me. I was just going to do some small cubed potatoes, roasted in the air fryer. Quick, easy and yummy. We've had them plenty of times before, so he knows what they look like.

I walked in on him meticulously cutting the smallest cubes of potatoes known to man. Honestly they were tiny (about 5mm!), it was so ridiculous. At this point I did lose my temper, as I was tired and just wanted to get on with it, but now realising I was going to have to do the potatoes after all, saying "what the hell are those?" and of course he got defensive because he thought he was doing a good thing by helping, but at this point had no idea how spectacularly wrong he'd gone.

We both apologised. Him for being an idiot and me for overreacting, then we moved on.

Unless there's a huge backstory to weaponised incompetence, it's not a grounds for divorce!

It’s because they don’t take a blind but of notice of what we use

Just move on. This sounds immature and petty.

Haha. This post has made me feel much better about the interest level of my marriage

If I was your DH have told you to piss off and sort yourself out In future. You massively overreacted.

This is an insane amount of fuss over a deodorant. He made a mistake, so what? It's only deodorant.

You’re being disappointingly reasonable here, OP. Is there any way we can persuade you to go and shout at him for his weaponised incompetence and his failure to take responsibility for his erroneous deodorant purchase?

Honestly you showed him a picture of exactly the deodorant you use and he bought something else, I'm mad for you 😅my ex was constantly doing things like this. As a one off it's probably not a big deal but when it's constant incompetence (weaponized or not) it's such a turn off. Here's those shoes you asked for, in a size smaller than you take, they didn't have the food blender you asked for so I got you a steam cleaner instead, yuk, it's wearing.

Reminds me of when husband was going to Boots and I asked him - very specifically - with a picture and a description, to pick up "Natural Collection loose powder in colour translucent" and he returned with a pressed powder in a different colour.

Le sigh.

'Twas maybe 17 years ago, I'm over it

Once ordered some wallpaper paste online - the pot that came was smaller than a tub of houmous. Online ordering is fraught with issues - especially when you're not adept with the product you're purchasing. Sounds like your issues are more deep rooted than a bottle of deodorant though....

Good for you.

All the posters naysaying him will be disappointed that he's a nice man who a completely inconsequential mix up over the deodorant. Like people, all of us, sometimes do.

If it had been the other way round and HE had had 'quite a go' at YOU over this, they'd be gnashing their teeth over his behaviour and telling you to LTB.
Honestly, sometimes people just talk shit on here.

"I know this may seem petty but when ever ‘he’ gets things wrong won’t take accountability and twists how I’ve said or done something for that ‘wrong’ to happen so he’s not at fault. So frustrating"

The problem isn't the deodorant, it's the above. My DH used to do the same. Any I would mention/remind that he'd forgotten something or misheard or got something wrong, he'd immediately go on the defensive like a petulant teenager. It didn't matter how nicely or carefully I mentioned something he'd kick off. Caused the most awful rows about virtually nothing.

Anyhow we discussed it and he now tries to take ownership for his mistakes. I explained I don't asking him to profusely apologise or buy gifts anything. Just say "oh sorry, got that wrong, I'll try to remember next time" or "oh bugger, I picked up the wrong one, I'll take it back tomorrow" or whatever and then we can move on with everyone feeling happy. It doesn't need to be a big thing, as it's not a big thing.

We also agreed that if one of us wanted to mention something then we would do so in a nice way and not an angry or frustrated way. Easier to do when you feel likely be heard and someone won't try to turn it round onto you and respond angrily or defensively. His defensiveness also left me feeling like I couldn't say anything to him, and as if I was having to walk on eggshells. So we always try to talk to each other as if we love each other. And we pull each other up if once of us slips on thi because one of us is having a bad day and gets snappy or whatever.

So anyhow things are much rosier on our household now we are both better at giving and receiving "feedback". We don't always get it 100% right but we both feel our relationship is much better for this change of approach.