For thinking that a child who is different isn’t necessarily neurodiverse

[Cleggin]

Hi just hoping for some perspective.

My DH has severe anxiety, specifically health anxiety, and a tendency to worry to the point of fixation about his own health and that of our kids. I can’t count on both hands how many things he’s diagnosed himself or our children with. The latest is an obsession that our DS is autistic or neurodiverse in some way. I couldn’t disagree more and think that while he has some funny little quirks, he’s essentially a happy and healthy 6 year old.

The facts:

DS is doing ok at school. He’s on track for most of the things academically. Bit behind with writing but not worryingly so

Happy and excited to do new things and go to new places. He isn’t upset by routine changes or transitions etc

Likes playing with friends, going to parties, going on holiday etc. Embraces new experiences

No sensory issues of note

Eats pretty much everything, not fussy

Kind and empathetic (most of the time)

Enjoys jokes and being the class clown

Doesn’t meltdown or tantrum to any major extent

Enjoys school

DH concerns;

He can be very excitable - doesn’t take much to fill his cup.

He has a habit of running and jumping about, sometimes waving his arms about and sometimes throwing himself on the couch. It’s sometimes accompanied by explosion noises etc. He does it a lot at home and I think he does it more when tired or overstimulated. DH thinks he’s stimming whereas I think he’s just expressing his enjoyment/happiness and it feels nice to do it. Possibly helping him to process whatever he’s thinking about at the time

Quite often chats away to himself, sometimes singing, sometimes reenacting something from his favourite show etc. Sometimes just repeating a new or interesting word. Sometimes just whispering nonsense

Likes to make up silly words and names

He has a few close friends and isn’t that interested in branching out or making new friends instead preferring to stick with those he already has. School have noted this independently of us. They haven’t said it’s a concern but they did say they might put them in different classes next year

Can sometimes be a bit withdrawn/unsociable with some kids, especially those who are a bit full on. He has a hearing loss so noisy kids can be a bit too much for him at times. Which makes me laugh as he is so noisy and excitable himself but doesn’t embrace it in other kids. But when he’s with his best friend, he’s the loudest and silliest of the lot. So I think it’s a confidence thing, particularly considering the hearing issue

Occasionally he appears not to want make eye contact when someone is up close. I don’t think he has a problem with eye contact at all and think it’s normal for a 6 year old who is being told off and told to look at the person telling him off not to want to do so. I’d say as a general rule he makes great eye contact, even with people he doesn’t know all that well and with adults and kids. Sometimes I think he feels a bit uncomfortable when someone is in his face and asking him questions and he sometimes zones out a bit but I think that’s totally normal. DH disagrees

Please can someone help. I feel like it’s destroying our marriage and it’s damaging his relationship with our DS. He seems unable to relax and enjoy spending time with him without analyzing every little thing he does and attributing it to a self diagnosis of autism. I can’t seem to get through to him. He wants us to push for some kind of referral whereas I feel that would set a hare running that is completely unnecessary and potentially damaging to the well being of our happy and healthy child.

im planning to share the answers from this thread with him in an effort to help him
see things more clearly and in the hope it might encourage him to seek help for his overwhelming anxiety.

Everything I’ve written has been seen and agreed by him (apart from obviously my slant on it).

Is yourDH possibly autistic? Anxiety can be a major aspect of autism. Potentially health anxiety is a maladaptive coping mechanism of being undiagnosed for a lifetime.

I'm the partner of a late diagnosed man. I'd approach your DH with the ASD screening questionnaire, perhaps he's seeing things in your son that resonate with him. I'm also picking up on your relationship stress which can be a factor if you're in a mixed neurotype relationship but you don't know about it (while also negotiating years of trauma and maladaptive coping strategies).

If it is a straightforward case of health anxiety your DH really needs to get treatment which can be very effective. I'd totally understand you leaving if your DH is not even trying to contain his anxiety in any way.

Certainly at the moment, whatever DS is or isn’t, it isn’t impacting his life at all. He is happy, he is settled and he is thriving, both at home and school as far as I/school can see. Yes in an ideal world, perhaps he’d be a bit better at making social connections but it’s not like he can’t do it at all. Perhaps the high energy ‘stimming’ and whispering to himself is a possible indicator of being on the spectrum but perhaps it’s just how Ds wants to express himself. Neither of these things impact on his ability to function in any way. I just feel like we need to stop labeling anything remotely either side of ideal as different or undesirable. I genuinely don’t think he would meet the criteria for a diagnosis and as other pp have said, what difference would a diagnosis make at this stage?

I agree with you. It’s like we have a template for the ideal child/human and anything that falls outside of that needs to be diagnosed and even medicated in some circumstances. My DS is your age and shows many of the same behaviours. There are some things he struggles with but not enough for me to be concerned about it. He is just a small human trying to navigate life! I think the move up to year 1 was a bit of an upheaval, too. First year of having to do more academic work. DS is very bright and the teacher comments on this and is giving him harder work but he is also a bit lazy and doesn’t like trying! We have spoken to him about it and about not getting frustrated with himself if he can’t do something first time and it seems to be sinking in.

I guess the other point is that if you push your child for an assessment, would they be taking a place that should be meant for a child that really needs it?? Happy to be corrected if I am wrong on that though.

Why would you feel the need to comment? My husband knows I am considering leaving him, none of this will come as a surprise to him. If you haven’t got anything useful to say, feel free to not to read and leave unhelpful comments

Apologies my mistake but in my defence it was unclear which part you were referencing with a one word comment. And besides, still not that helpful a comment really was it?

🙄 ok thanks for your input

I am not sure that figure is correct. There are many more people who mask or are undiagnosed. My two DGDs are autistic (one diagnosed and one undergoing assessment) as is their father. I recognise it more now in others who say they feel they are ND but are coping so no need for diagnosis. My DD works in a school and there are quite a few ND children but again they are not all referred for assessment.

OP your DS may well be autistic but given the school are not worried for now I think reassuring your husband that being autistic is not the worst thing to be. Just make sure your son is getting support for building relationships and your husband is getting help for his anxiety. As much as he seems determined your DS is ASD you seem determined he is not so both entrenched opinions. It does not manifest the same way in everyone. Both my DGDs are likely ASD but different as chalk and cheese. Much like NT children.

In answer to your title question, I was listening to an interview with Ben Fogle who was explaining his coping mechanisms for when he's alone (visualising stuff etc.) and he was putting this down to being ND. I was quite surprised as I do exactly the same and I'm NT.

I think the ND bar is very very low these days.

I guess you know OP that the problem is your DH and not your DS.

Heaps here for me too. All my DC are Autistic and i can see parts of them in OPs post.

I'd also like to point out the empathy thing is BS. All my kids have empathy, two of them show it no differently to NT kids, the other it doesn't always fit NT expectations of what empathy looks like but its certainly there. As for the eye contact thing, with one of my Autistic DC its almost impossible to tell that she's actually not quite looking at you. They're all doing very well in mainstream school and all have friends. Your DS may well not be ND, but their are signs in the information you posted and although he may be obsessive about health that doesn't mean your DH might not be right.

My DD was diagnosed at 10 and that was only because I knew what I was looking for. She's needing support now in high school. The fact she has a diagnosis means we don't have a 2 year delay trying to get her diagnosed and fighting for support. My XH didn't think any of them were Autistic. Our DSs obviously needed other support, but DD never did untill now. If things hit the rails, which isn't unusual for unsupported kids with ADHD and ASD in tweens and early teens a delay in diagnosis and support can be very costly. Waiting untill things go wrong isnt a great strategy.

Your son’s behaviour sounds remarkably similar to that of my own at that age. He also had hearing loss. A few people (including one teacher) suggested he might be autistic, partly because he wouldn’t make eye contact with them. However, his eye contact was fine with most people - he just wouldn’t look at people whom he was wary of, or who were telling him off.
He is an adult now and, although slightly introverted, he’s doing fine living away at University, has lots of friends and he no longer shows any of the behaviours he did when a child.

I agree that the priority is getting help for DH and for supporting DS as he grows and navigates the tricky world of friendships, particularly in light of his hearing loss. I would politely disagree that I have an entrenched opinion that DS is not autistic. I have said repeatedly throughout this thread that he could be. I personally don’t think he is but I am absolutely open to the idea that he may be. If he was in any way unhappy or unsettled, or if a professional person with knowledge and experience of these kinds of conditions (teacher, TotD, doctor, psychologist etc) were to tell me they suspected there may be a problem, or if his behavior were to worsen in any significant way, or if his quirks developed in any intensity, I would of course be the first person to seek help and guidance. I however do not feel that humouring DH’s latest obsession is healthy or helpful to any of us.

Haven't read all PPs. But I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm no expert on ND but everything you wrote about your son applies to my similar aged child who we have no concerns about at all.
Health anxiety is absolutely exhausting for both sufferer and those around them. I'm really not sure what help there is for it though.

Completely agree. Particularly in those who mask (especially girls).

To the PP who said that if school aren't picking up on anything, then there's likely nothing... 🤣 Some signs can be so subtle; when teachers have 30 kids to teach, they're going to miss all sorts. Or even when they do spot things, they often just dismiss them.

I find they've got their hands full with the kids who are acting out (due to unmasked ND or otherwise) and sadly they just don't have the time/priority for those who do mask/have more subtle traits.

My DD has not yet been diagnosed with anything, but is on the pathway for ASD and ADHD and I suspect both.

A previous teacher repeatedly told me how she chats too much in class and needs reminding to keep on task yet appeared shocked when I raised the possibility of ADHD

The SENCO pretty much said she didn't see any signs of ND, yet in a 10-minute observation, an OT picked up things like constant chewing of her pencil grip, kicking her legs and wrapping them around her chair, lack of eye contact and standing too close to a friend.

(These are far more subtle traits than the behaviour she exhibits at home, but that's my point, schools, even SENCOs often miss things because some children mask at school even though they're supposed to be aware of that 🙄)

Why is your husband obsessed with this?

Would he see your child different if they were?

My son is diagnosed autistic and on the ADHD pathway and does a lot of what your son does, but what your son does is also very normal human behaviour.

He'd be considered for diagnosis if his development dropped, and if his abilities or quirks were disabling to him, even socially, and would be diagnosed if he meets 3 specific criteria together.

If he isn't struggling then why is your husband questioning it? Has he not met other children? They're full of beans and excitable and every kid has sensory needs ND or not so it can be completely normal to throw yourself around as a kid and make noises.

I think your husband needs to seek help for his anxiety so he can stop asking what if and start asking why does it even matter.

There's quite rigorous pre-assessment screening to ensure that each person who gets an assessment qualifies, so there's little to no risk of another child being left out.

If OP does think her son would benefit from the autism pathway she shouldn't be put off by this trail of thought.

Ah ok, I misspoke then.

Why has he been obsessed with any of the things he has been over the years, all of which have proved unfounded? I genuinely don’t know. Yes, DS has a few (let’s call them) traits of autism/ADHD but I think if you looked at any child (or even most adults) they too would have little
habits or idiosyncrasies that you could attribute to ND when in fact it’s just normal human diversity. DH zooms in on these quirky but perfectly normal things, abnormalizes them, obsessively googles and researches things until he finds a link or ‘proof’ and that’s it, nothing I, his family/friends, people on this forum and probably even professionals tell
him will make him see sense. We will go over and over it until the next issue pops up and the cycle begins again. I’m exhausted and broken by it

Get an appointment and get a professional opinion. You can’t solve this between you.

As you say maybe your son just doesn't fit in to the "conventional" set of rules that society deem "normal". This doesn't mean there's something wrong with him or he MUST be "neurodiverse".

This gets used for everything these days- a child cannot just have their own personality that's a bit different with a diagnosis getting made.

If you don't think there is cause for concern then great! Do what you're doing and fair play for not seeking out a label/ 5 labels when you don't believe there is any issue! Don't see that enough, it's usually the other way around especially on here.

All of us stim and sensory seek to some degree. It's why people bite their nails, seek out soft clothing, go on roller coasters and enjoy crisps. On their own, those things aren't indicative of anything.

I would do an online autism quiz for your son, to see if the answers indicate anything ore. If they don't, then at least you can show your husband and avoid unnecessary meetings with the school. As you say, a lot of his behaviour can be explained by hearing loss anyway.

Please don't move his class just because he hasn't made loads of friends. If he is happy with a smaller group, there is no issue. If anything, he might benefit from an out of school group for children with hearing difficulties, so he can meet other children like him. If such a group even exists.