Am I being unreasonable?

[roxixxx]

It's a long story and I guess I won't get all the bits into this, however; for short.
-I have a 6 yo, and we live with my her dad in our own house.

• I'm a carer for my 88 yo Nan and have been for 5 years.
• my mum lives alone and is classed as disabled as she has arthritis so she can't go out alone.

So, my usual week is obviously caring for my Nan, doing some cleaning for her, taking her shopping.. and looking after my 6yo, along with my own house. And all the other bits and bobs that comes along with being a mum, and running a household.

My dad died a few years ago sadly, and prior to this I'd see my mum once a fortnight as I wouldn't class as the best bonded.

Since my dad died I've had to takeover my mother's needs, taking her shopping, and hospital appts, doing stuff around the house and garden.. but sometimes it's all a bit much. She likes to go out twice weekly, just random shops. I've started saying no and cutting down to once a week. I just can't keep up with it all, and I don't really like going around shops constantly. I've just joined the gym as I want to do something for myself.

Basically I feel like my life isn't my own when I've got so many others needs to tend to.

I guess this doesn't really make sense if you don't know people personally.

Thoughts

My other half is 15 years older than me, so his Nan is no longer here. His mum is quite independent but if something is needed he knows he can call on me.

I don't think that the mum's issue is the physical caring needs (although they are the alibi) but that she is a lonely widow and wants to see you and going round the shops gives her something to do - a purpose and activity.

Does she have friends? Or somewhere she can go for company?

She's right, she doesn't need it while she has you!

I think you'd be perfectly reasonable to say that you already have two jobs: official carer to your Nan and Mum/housekeeper at home.

You could offer your Mum half a day a week (maybe including lunch) maximum and say any extra help she needs, she must pay others for.

The longer you do what your Mum wants, the more she'll expect and you'll burn yourself out. Please look after yourself first and foremost so that you can be there for your daughter and also do your job. Set the boundaries and stick to them (I know it's easier said than done but you CAN do it!) Good luck!

But I feel like disappearing because I'm so fed up of halting my life to everyone else's needs.

Of course you are feeling resentful. You need to take back your life.

Get a p/t job again. Your mum either needs to do online shopping, a mobility scooter or a care assessment or all three.

She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

You are enabling her to be reliant on you. You need to focus on yourself and your immediate family.

If you have to help your mum help her by accessing other support and/or doing online shopping. You need to stop all this time consuming support and let her access support else where.

Start saying No, op. Or keep doing it all. It is your choice. And it is a choice, you do not have to live like this… Say No.

I did wonder what else is going on besides “arthritis” because that often isn’t enough by itself to be classed as disabled unless it is a really bad case of rheumatoid arthritis with neuropathic pain and psoriasis.

You need to tell your mam that by XX date you will be reducing the amount you are doing. She will have time to find carers/support/cleaners whatever.

Then stop.
Be unavailable. You're not born to be someone's slave.

(For reference I am 30, I have rheumatoid arthritis which is awfully horrendous, and I'd rather die than expect my children to live a half life to help me)

She can help herself - many of us who have 'arthritis' do.....

She had a disease as a child which crumbled her bones

And yes she's lonely but she doesn't like people, she's VERY funny. So I've tried to get her friends but she just doesn't like people. It's hard work.

They both get disability benefits by the sound of it - can they use some of that money to pay for a few hours for a carer ? Or ask Adult social care to assess your nan to see if she can have paid carers if she needs help with bathing etc.

Also with your Nan - contact social services and get needs assessed and carers for support.

You don't have to do this. You can help and do bits but you don't need to live like this.

All these suggestions would be perfect but she refuses. She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

Time to tell her she doesn't have you then. Can she walk? Exactly HOW disabled is she?

I did, they came twice and on the third occasion she was out with me for a hospital appt and since then we haven't seen them and no one seems to want to tell me why.
My uncle was home and he said the carer said 'she doesn't need us then if she's out'

Yes, so really what she gets from you is not just the labour of caring but also all human contact. I have similar with my DM. It's very hard to extricate yourself from as it's not really about the work and access, it's about not feeling lonely. I am very sympathetic to you position OP but I also think it must be very hard for older women on their own - I get that they expect their children to being their lifeline. I wish my mother had more kids to be honest, so we could share the emotional labour responsibility.

How does your partner feel about funding you to care for your mother and nan? can you imagine any woman on here funding her husband to care for his mum and nan?

It's nice to see people understanding, I did have a brother but he commit suicide in my teens. I often wonder what life would be like if he was here.

He pays the bills, he doesn't fund me, he funds the bills where his daughter lives. He has a very well paid job thankfully. He doesn't mind as long as our daughter is seen to, the house is clean, his washing is done and his dinners on the table. Lol.

Are they receiving attendance allowance? Are you receiving carers allowance? Would you rather work part time again and do less care? It sounds like you've fallen into this role and it's not actually what you want to be doing with your life.

You are not obliged to do this just because she is your mother and she demands that you do it.

In the nicest and kindest possible way, you need to grow a backbone and say no.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

As for some posters saying it doesn't sound like you do all that much, they clearly have no idea of the sheer 24/7 mental load that being a carer entails (and you have two of them).

Oh sweetheart I totally hear you. I understand completely. I’m a carer for my mother and have 2 young children both with SEN. It’s difficult.
Mom wants me to pick her up about 3 times a week to go shopping just so she can get out of the house. She’s immobile atm and really struggling. I just feel like I’m on beck and call 24/7
We went on holiday back end of last year and honestly, it was like I’d got 3 kids. I had to do absolutely everything. I needed a break when we got back! Sympathy from me ❤️

I have been a carer to a family member and found the more I did the more was expected with very little insight into my needs.
When I started to have problems of my own there was no understanding given and attempts were made to make me feel guilty.
Eventually their son and daughter in law stepped up a bit as by this time I was becoming too disabled to look after myself let alone another person.
You will have to decide your own boundaries and make them very clear and don’t be swayed by guilting attempts. It is hard but look at it this way, if you weren’t around other avenues would have to be explored by your mum.
As regards your nan then start battling now for carers to be provided as you can’t do everything forever.

I totally get where you are coming from. What happens if you are ill or go on holiday? Or are those things not allowed?

Well, just refuse!

Come and join us on this thread, OP

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

To be fair to your mum, you can't "get people friends", it really doesn't work like that no matter what your age. The assumption is that lonely old widows should be joyous at meeting other lonely old widows or going to Wednesday lunch clubs with other "old people" as if they're a homogenous group. It's like saying that all teenagers, regardless of their hobbies or taste in music, should happily skip off with any other teenager.

I understand, caring for someone can be very time consuming, especially if you have two people who need help. I agree with whoever suggested the mobility scooter, it will give your mum more freedom, if she is in receipt of PIP and on the highest level for mobility she can get a scooter on the motability scheme, maybe something she can look into. I suffer from chronic Osteoarthritis and you can get some very good aids to help you. Maybe your mum should ask the council if they could send round the Occupational Health assessor, there is help out there, your mum needs to ask. I think going forward maybe treat your caring role as a job, and set yourself a weekend, it doesn't have to be Saturday and Sunday, it could be any days, then you'll have some time for yourself, good luck.