Am I being unreasonable?

[roxixxx]

It's a long story and I guess I won't get all the bits into this, however; for short.
-I have a 6 yo, and we live with my her dad in our own house.

• I'm a carer for my 88 yo Nan and have been for 5 years.
• my mum lives alone and is classed as disabled as she has arthritis so she can't go out alone.

So, my usual week is obviously caring for my Nan, doing some cleaning for her, taking her shopping.. and looking after my 6yo, along with my own house. And all the other bits and bobs that comes along with being a mum, and running a household.

My dad died a few years ago sadly, and prior to this I'd see my mum once a fortnight as I wouldn't class as the best bonded.

Since my dad died I've had to takeover my mother's needs, taking her shopping, and hospital appts, doing stuff around the house and garden.. but sometimes it's all a bit much. She likes to go out twice weekly, just random shops. I've started saying no and cutting down to once a week. I just can't keep up with it all, and I don't really like going around shops constantly. I've just joined the gym as I want to do something for myself.

Basically I feel like my life isn't my own when I've got so many others needs to tend to.

I guess this doesn't really make sense if you don't know people personally.

Thoughts

I did wonder what else is going on besides “arthritis” because that often isn’t enough by itself to be classed as disabled unless it is a really bad case of rheumatoid arthritis with neuropathic pain and psoriasis.

Actually, Arthritis can be classed as disabled, it's not the diagnosis it's how your condition affects you.

I'd be brutal with your Mum. You are entitled to a life, things are only going to get worse. Can your Uncle not help with your Nan? You won't get time back and this is a waste of your life.

I can't help wondering whether the uncle said to the carer that they weren't really needed because you do most of it. And if he was there anyway, how come he didn't take her to the hospital appointment?

Your mum advised you to give up your job? Clearly so that you can see to her.

You need to push back.

Three households plus caring is going to burn you out.

Your nan can pay for home help if she wants it.
You really shouldn't be bathing her on your own. It's physically demanding.

Are both your nan and mother (age?) in receipt of Attendance Allowance? This would give you some cash to buy help in. Are you getting Carer's Allowance/ Credit? If not apply immediately, if you are not working, you will get your NI credits so that your State Pension will not suffer.

You are eligible for a Carer's Assessment from your local council or Carer's group. They will be able to help get you some respite. I'm live in for my aged parent. It is important to carve out your own time. Well done on joining the gym, I did the same thing last year and it had made a big difference having time and space to myself.

I still think it is a Mumsnet thing that daughters have to look after their mums and nans, whilst their male partners have to work to pay all the bills. I can't help but wonder if @roxixxx will work full time when her partner's mother needs care in order to pay the bills so that he can care for his mum. He is 15 years older than the OP so that will happen sooner rather than later. Something tells me the OP will magically grow a backbone and refuse to become the breadwinner. Some men are very obliging about paying all the bills. You would never catch an MN woman working to pay the bills so her husband could give up work to care for his parents. The OP can only be the carer whilst her husband subsidises her.

I understand you OP. What your mother really wants is like an old fashioned Ladies Companion ! So someone to take and accompany her at her and only hers agenda. Far far harder sometimes then tending to their purely physical needs. Very selfish especially considering your child is actually her own granddaughter. And I get that saying to join a club is not the solution as she doesn't want to mix with others , just your undivided attention. Guess what mother ? We can't always get what we what ! I had to tell mine that I understand how frustrating it is for you but I am only one person and I can't provide it all. Came to an agreement that she had to let carers take over the caring part and that I could only spare two days a week and only for a certain time , say 10 - 12 or whatever suits YOU. It is not easy , she will push back but stick to it and say I am not able to do more . I then arranged on my OFF day that she attended a Day Centre. Didn't hold out much hope but she ended up meeting someone she already knew there and went when she could.

Lovely of you to assume, before I had my daughter I worked full time AND overtime.
I've been a SEN teaching assistant and a nursery nurse, and a Flying start leader.
I want to be a midwife when I can actually get some time to study.

@roxixxx
Then give up caring for your mother which you clearly do not enjoy and get a job or retrain before your partner points out it is your turn to be the breadwinner. You don't have to care for your mum and your nan. No one can make you. You are choosing to do it and you are relying on your partner to pay all the bills while you do something that you don't want to do.

Fuck sake.

Your nan is happy for you to do all this? Indefinitely?

You sound a very caring person and unfortunately, when this is the case people can end up taking advantage of you. It creeps up on you gradually. You find you are doing A and B so when someone asks for C you think ..ok ...one more thing won't make much difference. Then C becomes the norm, taken for granted so someone tries to add D. There is no need to end up at the shops so much. Your mother likes this because it gets her out of the house and for company. People saying you don't work and your child is in school are missing the point. I get this. You have put others first to the point where they don't expect you to be doing anything else. Therefore it's ok to ask something else.This is going to be hard for you op but you need to start putting your own needs first. So. ..child at school at 9. Begin booking gym for straight afterwards maybe 3 times a week. Make it set in stone. If you are too tired for this at present . Invent things at first ...Even sit in a cafe or the library. Tell them you are meeting a friend. You will get some pushback but if you stick to your guns they will accept when you are available...they will have to because they have no one else to rely on. Try to get a part time job or maybe a hobby/. College course. anything which makes you less available. They don't value your time because they don't see you doing that. (because you are so kind) It's hard to but I have found that people value you more when you are not always available. Put them first 7days a week ...no appreciation ...they think . .what else have you to do. Put them first 3 days a week they will value the time you give them more. 💐