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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

62 replies

roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:12

It's a long story and I guess I won't get all the bits into this, however; for short.
-I have a 6 yo, and we live with my her dad in our own house.

  • I'm a carer for my 88 yo Nan and have been for 5 years.
  • my mum lives alone and is classed as disabled as she has arthritis so she can't go out alone.

So, my usual week is obviously caring for my Nan, doing some cleaning for her, taking her shopping.. and looking after my 6yo, along with my own house. And all the other bits and bobs that comes along with being a mum, and running a household.

My dad died a few years ago sadly, and prior to this I'd see my mum once a fortnight as I wouldn't class as the best bonded.

Since my dad died I've had to takeover my mother's needs, taking her shopping, and hospital appts, doing stuff around the house and garden.. but sometimes it's all a bit much. She likes to go out twice weekly, just random shops. I've started saying no and cutting down to once a week. I just can't keep up with it all, and I don't really like going around shops constantly. I've just joined the gym as I want to do something for myself.

Basically I feel like my life isn't my own when I've got so many others needs to tend to.

I guess this doesn't really make sense if you don't know people personally.

Thoughts

OP posts:
JMSA · 21/04/2024 15:17

My sister is a carer to one adult on top of 2 kids and a busy full-time job (she owns her own business).

I don't think it sounds that bad, if it's your only job and you have a child at school all day.

Original poster
roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:20

JMSA · 21/04/2024 15:17

My sister is a carer to one adult on top of 2 kids and a busy full-time job (she owns her own business).

I don't think it sounds that bad, if it's your only job and you have a child at school all day.

Technically I'm a carer to two. My mum and nan.
I had to quit my job as I couldn't do it all. My nans needs are pretty much everything. Bathing, cooking, cleaning, medicine, ect.

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 21/04/2024 15:25

Can they not get home helps in or carers to take the pressure off you? A part time job would give you some adult company and a reason not to be available.

Whatwillitbenext · 21/04/2024 15:27

roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:20

Technically I'm a carer to two. My mum and nan.
I had to quit my job as I couldn't do it all. My nans needs are pretty much everything. Bathing, cooking, cleaning, medicine, ect.

Show quote history

So you don't work? And your kid is at school all day? I fail to see the issue. Suggest your nan gets carers and suggest your mum goes to the shops with friends if you can't cope and maybe get back to work.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 21/04/2024 15:31

Seriously op where is your life? Who cares for you?
Ask your local council for help. I clean... One customer gets financial help from the council for hired help. And they are well off. Your dm needs to pay for a Gardner, cleaner etc...

KidsandKindness · 21/04/2024 15:31

Could your Mum get a mobility scooter or wheelchair to make her less dependent OP?

Original poster
roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:31

BlueMum16 · 21/04/2024 15:25

Can they not get home helps in or carers to take the pressure off you? A part time job would give you some adult company and a reason not to be available.

I had a part time job but my mother convinced me to quit as I didn't have enough time for it, but now instead my time is taken by multiple trips to the shop a week which is annoying. She complains that I don't care for her if I don't want to spend my time with her. I live a 20 minute drive from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:34

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 21/04/2024 15:31

Seriously op where is your life? Who cares for you?
Ask your local council for help. I clean... One customer gets financial help from the council for hired help. And they are well off. Your dm needs to pay for a Gardner, cleaner etc...

I'm so greatful someone understands, and I haven't even put other reasons on here as It felt too personal.

This would cause WW3 if I told my BM to pay for a cleaner or gardener. 'Why should I when I have you' basically. But I feel like disappearing because I'm so fed up of halting my life to everyone else's needs.

I was doing fine prior to having to tend to my BM needs aswell, I had a part time job, caring for my Nan, and my 6yo, and it was all smooth sailing.

OP posts:
TruthorDie · 21/04/2024 15:34

Sounds too much for me. Ok the 6 year old goes to school but not every of the year and it’s roughly 9-3. Your mum sounds bossy and controlling. Why would you want to spend so much time roaming round random shops

KidsandKindness · 21/04/2024 15:34

If she's not prepared to help herself OP, then tell her that you need the money that a part time job gives you, and as you have so many other commitments you simply don't have the time to spend with her. Sounds like she needs to make more effort to mix. How old is she?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2024 15:34

Perhaps the time has come when you need to consider placing your Nan in a care home. You're just one person, op, and you have more than you can handle. Your needs matter, too, you know.

Catico · 21/04/2024 15:35

Does your partner fund you if you are not earning a wage? Does he resent that he is subsidising you caring for your mum and nan? How does he manage to care for his mum and nan?

StormingNorman · 21/04/2024 15:36

Running two households is hard. Caring for a relative full time is hard. Having a young family is hard. Adding your Mum’s needs into the mix makes things harder still, especially as she sounds like a bit of a time bandit. You have my sympathy OP.

The posters who think you have it easy because your DC is in school and you don’t work must have their heads up their arses.

Original poster
roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:37

KidsandKindness · 21/04/2024 15:31

Could your Mum get a mobility scooter or wheelchair to make her less dependent OP?

All these suggestions would be perfect but she refuses. She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

OP posts:
JMSA · 21/04/2024 15:38

I think you've allowed her to have too big a say in your life. And she's selfish. This will (understandably!) lead to resentment on your part, especially when your relationship isn't even particularly close.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2024 15:38

roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:37

All these suggestions would be perfect but she refuses. She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

Show quote history

You're going to have to push back, op. You can't allow her to control you.

Cherryon · 21/04/2024 15:40

Couldn’t your mum use her PIP to pay for taxis if she won’t get a mobility scooter? Also, are you claiming carer’s allowance, sound like you should.

JMSA · 21/04/2024 15:40

The posters who think you have it easy because your DC is in school and you don’t work must have their heads up their arses.

My point was that many people do this stuff while juggling their own work commitments. Not everyone can live on a carer's allowance (assuming this is what the OP gets).

StormingNorman · 21/04/2024 15:41

Agree that Mum’s care all seems to be on her terms. She needs to respect your time a bit more and compromise.

Farahfawsett · 21/04/2024 15:41

Giving up work to be an unpaid carer is quite unwise unless you're rolling in cash?

Are you still making National Insurance contributions and personal pension contributions?

Are you married to your partner and do you have equal rights to the house you live in etc?

Giving up your financial independence to serve others for free (& let's face it, being a carer is a tremendously difficult job and not for the faint hearted) is a HUGE sacrifice to make.

I'm sure it has a detrimental knock on effect to your parenting (less time/energy), your mental health & stress levels and that's before you consider your bank balance.

You need to get the professionals in to take some of the burden off you and get back to paid employment (unless, as I said at the beginning, you're loaded which would change the perspective somewhat).

shepherdsangeldelight · 21/04/2024 15:41

roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:37

All these suggestions would be perfect but she refuses. She says she doesn't need any of this whilst she has me. She's very hard work.

Show quote history

then it sounds like your only option is to say that she can only have you for x time and y things (whatever you are comfortable with) and she will have to manage around that or choose to do something different.

You are not obligated to look after your parents. Particularly when you are already a full time carer, have a young child and don't even have a good relationship with said parent.

Cherryon · 21/04/2024 15:43

“Are you still making National Insurance contributions”
She shouldn’t need to. Child benefit for child under 12 or carer’s allowance provide full NI credit.

Original poster
roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:44

TruthorDie · 21/04/2024 15:34

Sounds too much for me. Ok the 6 year old goes to school but not every of the year and it’s roughly 9-3. Your mum sounds bossy and controlling. Why would you want to spend so much time roaming round random shops

Thank you for understanding, my 6yo also has asthma which when she's unwell makes it a very horrible time for both of us.

I hate spending my days wandering around shops.

OP posts:
Original poster
roxixxx · 21/04/2024 15:45

StormingNorman · 21/04/2024 15:36

Running two households is hard. Caring for a relative full time is hard. Having a young family is hard. Adding your Mum’s needs into the mix makes things harder still, especially as she sounds like a bit of a time bandit. You have my sympathy OP.

The posters who think you have it easy because your DC is in school and you don’t work must have their heads up their arses.

Thank you so much, I feel like crying at the comments of people who are understanding me.

OP posts:
FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 21/04/2024 15:48

This is all very lovely of you but you shouldn't have put their needs above yours and your child's, which you did when you quit your job.

Start claiming yours and your child's lives back.

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