To not accommodate child at a party?

[LittleCarrot12]

my oldest child has a good group of friends from school of say 12 kids. Of that 4/5 are better friends. We’ve always done parties for bigger group but this year as he’s older slimmed it down to 6 inc him. The activity has a max number of kids so we couldn’t invite more.

one boys parents are well know for not rsvp-ing or doing so at the last minute. It’s a pain but we’ve always managed to accommodate. Last year the venue was pay in advance and the messaged the night before to say he’d be there. I responded to say I’d already confirmed final numbers but would check with the venue. Ultimately he came.

To avoid this I put a rsvp date on the invite- a group WA which I could see they read. No response so the day of the rsvp deadline I added a message to the chat to say I was confirming numbers that night and any others coming? No response but again they read it.
Based on that I offered the place to a football friend who agreed to come. Morning of the birthday his blinking dad messaged me at 8am to say he was coming! Party was 10am, I replied to say “thanks, but unfortunately all places are accounted for but hopefully we can accommodate CX another time.”
No response.
Now sitting thinking about it and wondering if I should have played it differently. The parents are so flaky and part of me thinks their issue but another feels guilty as all his good friends were there and no doubt chatting about it.

I know parents like that. While they might find it perfectly acceptable, it's their own children that find them the hardest to cope with. Always being embarrassed or disappointed or let down and getting sympathy from other kids. And the disorganised parents never understand or realise as their kids have given up trying to get them to change so just keep quiet about it. (I certainly do not include parent(s) with genuine struggles btw in this assessment).

Can't even believe you think RSVP is a "like to have"!!!

Three children. 57 children's parties organised. Everything from paintballing to hiring village halls, play centres, local swimming pool, cinema, go-karting to invited round to home and sleepovers.

Every single party had an RSVP and date to respond by.

Every single party invite was designed by me on Microsoft Word. Even if venues gave out free invites.

To the point the invites listed:
How to respond (text/email/phone number) and date to respond by
Location, including postcodes
Obviously date and times
Occasionally an offer to circulate parents' details for car shares
My contact number on the day
Request for their contact number for the day
Outline of event
Any other info, such as you might need for swimming or paintballing or dietary requirements

Really the invites weren't intimidating - they had colourful artwork and cartoons to add humour and warmth.

But they were direct. Most parents reply within 48hours.

And children get excited by parties. So you tell your child who is definitely coming. And then amazingly the kids who aren't confirmed pester their parents.

They were also organised - unlike free venue invites - because they contained all the information parents needed to know and respond to.

But rule no.1 - always put a RSVP date to respond by.

Checking the calender, speaking to the other parent, responding to the message and adding the date to the diary takes a couple of minutes. Just not bothering is deliberate. If there was a reason then a quick placeholder "just got to check footie dates, will let you know" or "I think we had plans to see Grandparents that day, I'll get back to you" is polite. Radio silence is rude and they need to know the reason why the child missed out. Don't apologise.

Don't feel guilty, OP. You gave the parents ample opportunity to respond and they didn't. Not much else you can do.
My DS has a friend with parents like this. They are a nightmare.
How old is your DS? It gets easier when they are old enough to be able to sort it out themselves / remind their parents.

he has been left out - which is exactly why you should DM the parents to try to get a clear response by the deadline.

Poor kid would have thought he was coming and then found he wasn't - obvs his parents need to reply but I'd still DM the parents directly as deadline approaches. We all have this situation to deal with when organising parties

He hasn't been "left out" at all! What are you on about?? He has actively been included by getting an invite.

So you expect OP to think and organise a party, sort a venue, send invites, check on the invitees for those too lazy-arsed to reply - and also DM people who only need to do ONE THING - ruddy well reply!!!

No wonder there are so many CFs about with enablers like you

We know a few families where their children do a lot of sports that seem to occupy most weekends. As a result, they are usually unavailable or, irritatingly, they say they will try to 'pop over' between their many fixtures.

I've no beef whatsoever with people prioritising their various sports over everything else, but I do find it annoying when they want to keep other options open as well. You get to know that, if you are inviting/offering anything that is not sport, it goes right to the bottom of their 'important' list.

Entirely their choice, but they always seem to assume that sport is obligatory and will come first every single time. It's probably just me being irrational, but I get irritated when they look disappointed and say that they 'can't' come as William has football that day - as though they have no agency in the matter at all.

Don’t feel guilty op. Sad for the kid, but it’s his own parents who have let him down.

I also disagree with others who said you should have direct messaged. That sounds like a massive ballache to do each time someone cba to respond to a party invite. Fuck that.

I’d have probably been more direct and told the dad that you clearly put the RSVP date in the chat and these parties need confirmation much earlier as venues expect payment etc.

well done. Parents are not flaky. They’re waiting to see what they’re doing at that time. You did the right thing.

Nothing wrong in what you did.

Well done.

Maybe they will think twice now.

you did the right thing. You need to know numbers for practical reasons. Maybe next time the parents might reply on time. Maybe they aim to keep their options open till last minute but it’s really not fair on others It seems a natural consequence

Have the parents ever not taken him to a party?

Yanbu. It's sad for the kid but you were very clear about the rsvp deadline.
I agree with pp your reply when they tried to come last-minute was too nice and should have been blunter.

I do think with your kid & the friends being older they can take more responsibility in the circumstances of flakey parents - the whole narrative in your op has everything just being done by the parents e.g. 2 days before the rsvp deadline tell him "Charlie's parents haven't replied to the party invitation - you need to tell him that if his parents don't reply by Wednesday evening then he won't be able to come because I have to know definite numbers in advance."

You absolutely did the right thing

Some parents have “being disorganised” as their personality and expect other parents to pick up the slack under the pretence of “well it’s not fair that little Johnny misses out because of his parents”

It is their fault if their kid misses out on things not the person sending the invites

And for those who delay replying because they don’t know if they will be available because of football, swimming etc then it takes two mins to say that they would love to come but is it ok to confirm nearer the time because of xxx

Its the not replying to OP that makes the parents CFs

We have this with one child too! It is awful for them I was lucky and managed to give the place to another sibling. Second party I invited they actually rsvp but didn’t show up needless to say unfortunately they will never get the chance again. Think it’s just rude and shows poor manners! Funny said child turns up to other people’s parties. They have been left off a few lists due to their flaky behaviour. Why people just can’t say no is beyond me . Completely get it if the child is genuinely ill.

They've obviously left it until the day, to see if anything better popped up! How rude of them. I wouldn't bother inviting the child again. A party is stressful enough, without guests deciding on the day!

I think i clarify this for people

I am free on the date & intend to come: rsvp yes

I am not free/do not intend to come:
Rsvp no

I do not know know if i'll be free/able to come & won't know until after rsvp deadline:
Rsvp no

I have a friend who just doesn't respond because she doesn't want to miss out on something potentially better but doesnt want to say no and be left with no option. She claims its because she's busy and forgot to reply but we all know she's keeping her options open and we judge her for it.

I am flaky as hell and I am saying YANBU

But why is it someone else's parents job to make sure their kid doesn't wind up missing out?

We are a busy family. We have family spread out all over the country so often have visits from people or are visiting. We have DC. There is activities. We make plans in advance. We both work. We are responsible for our child. Not ours and parents who seem their busy to be more important than my busy.

If I organise a party, my responsibility is to send the invites and give clear times to respond by. The parents of the invites children have the responsibility of responding. No response = no. No response does not = more work for me.

‘Well known for not RSVPing’ lol these cliquey mothers groups who act like they are still in secondary school. Is that really something to gossip about

Sore point?

The people who do this seem not to give a stuff about others, but it really does add to the workload and headspace of an organiser when people don't pay them the basic courtesy of replying - whether it's a Yes, a No, or a 'we'll need to check; when's the latest you need to know by?'.

Nobody wants to effectively have to partially live another adult's life for them, so why wouldn't people discuss their concerns and challenges in life with others?

It's not just gossip about 'did you see her fancy new car' or 'hey, guess who he's going out with'; it's a genuine 'I am working hard in trying to organise a nice thing for a number of children, but this one set of parents are making it far harder and more stressful for me than it ever needed to be'.

Oh but maybe they have a good reason!

Well, maybe the could have messaged OP to discreetly mention the barriers and ask for a potential solution.

If a parent told me that fuel to health issues or something they couldn't confirm til the day I would offer to collect the child or save the space and hope they could make it.

They have form and to shamelessly message 2 hours ahead on the morning of the party is a piss take.

A good reason doesn't negate a need for good manners.

No 100% not unreasonable - I mean I guess for the poor kid, it would be nice to accommodate him, but not unreasonable.