To not accommodate child at a party?

[LittleCarrot12]

my oldest child has a good group of friends from school of say 12 kids. Of that 4/5 are better friends. We’ve always done parties for bigger group but this year as he’s older slimmed it down to 6 inc him. The activity has a max number of kids so we couldn’t invite more.

one boys parents are well know for not rsvp-ing or doing so at the last minute. It’s a pain but we’ve always managed to accommodate. Last year the venue was pay in advance and the messaged the night before to say he’d be there. I responded to say I’d already confirmed final numbers but would check with the venue. Ultimately he came.

To avoid this I put a rsvp date on the invite- a group WA which I could see they read. No response so the day of the rsvp deadline I added a message to the chat to say I was confirming numbers that night and any others coming? No response but again they read it.
Based on that I offered the place to a football friend who agreed to come. Morning of the birthday his blinking dad messaged me at 8am to say he was coming! Party was 10am, I replied to say “thanks, but unfortunately all places are accounted for but hopefully we can accommodate CX another time.”
No response.
Now sitting thinking about it and wondering if I should have played it differently. The parents are so flaky and part of me thinks their issue but another feels guilty as all his good friends were there and no doubt chatting about it.

But that's no excuse for totally ignoring the invite until the very last minute.
We have the last minute sport fixtures issue so I'd reply along the lines of "thanks a lot for inviting X to Y's party. X has an important match that day and we won't know what time until a week before. Is it ok to let you know then? If you need numbers sooner then I completely understand but X will unfortunately have to miss the party."

Similar could go for health issues etc.

Nope - his parents are punishing him.

They have had ample opportunities to get their act together over the last 5 years and have made a choice not to.

For those saying I should have direct messaged I considered it and decided not to. I could see they had read the messages so why should I put so much energy in when they’re not arsed?

I agree. I get that if it's a parent that is usually ok at responding then you might do this, but if these parents are always flaky, then where do you draw the line?

As a cub leader, I organise at least 12 events/activities a year where I need to know numbers of attendees by a deadline. I've learned to set the deadline at least a week before I need to know final numbers, and I will chase parents who haven't responded (even though they've already had several reminders), because I'm a bit soft, and don't want the children to miss out. BUT it drives me mad, and makes me a bit resentful of parents who clearly think their time is more valuable than mine. I always know which parents it is that I'm going to have to chase for sign up/forms/payment etc. It adds a lot to my (voluntary) workload.

The parents in this case would have had every opportunity to say “thanks for the invitation, x would love to come but due to [football team or whatever ] we won’t know until xx date whether or not they have a match on that day. Could we confirm by y date?”

Not these parents are relying on you doing the hard work.

Just this once OP said no - the scout leader should do that too!!

Once the kids miss things and start whining then the parents need to step up.

You did the right thing, useless people get away with being useless because people always let them get away with it! This is the only way they will learn

If I don't know, I say no. Like if my child - who does all sorts of drama and singing - had a show coming up and I don't know the details, I can't confirm anything else until I know the details, so the decent thing to do is say no, otherwise I'm saying yes to things that I know might not be possible, or letting someone hang on no response. Great if there's some wiggle room when we do know the details, but it's not someone else's problem.

As an aside, I've invited people (adults) to do things (theatre usually, where tickets are involved), and I've sometimes had a response of "oh, I don't know because I don't know what my plans are that weekend". Well, if you say yes to my offer, then that's what your plans are, no? Or am I supposed to wait around until the last minute to see if you get a better offer or not?

Is this not basic time management and courtesy? Or am I expecting too much?

You have already let the parents know the party is fully booked up.

It looks like they may try and gatecrash your son's party so just be firm with them and say " No"

Just watch that the uninvited kid does not show up, but if he does, is his parents and not you because you have covered yourself.

@LittleCarrot12 sounds more like they were waiting to see if there were other things they could be doing! very ignorant of the parents to do this to their child and the child whose birthday it is!

In which case they should reply that they hope to make it but aren't sure at that point. Not replying at all is rude. Having mental health issues doesn't give you a free ticket to mess people about.

Not replying by the date asked is so rude. People are so entitled. Its a great honour to be invited to a party and people should be polite enough to reply in good time without being relentlessly chased. You did the right thing OP. The parents will have to learn to use their manners or no more party invites.

Hubby and I both travel for work. We’re quite disorganised, it’s often hectic and we have a fridge planner and use outlook invites. Still manage to get our shit together for birthday invites and the rest. It’s good manners. Our life isn’t anyone else’s problem. Suppose the good manners and will of others have let them get away with it. Maybe they’ll change their approach.

You did that perfectly.

Exactly this.

But if you've had a couple of weeks notice of when it needs to be figured out by and you still haven't done it, how is it anyone's fault but yours?

It's not about their kid not being your kids top priority. It's about you not getting your arse in gear to respond with a yes or no by the time you've been asked to. If you've been given 24hrs notice then yeah, might be hard to sort it out, but birthday invites are usually at least a few weeks in advance with an RSVP by time.

If you can't organise yourselves enough to say yes or no within a few weeks, there's something wrong.

I can’t think why they suddenly decided to rsvp on the day or who would think that’s ok. Presumably they have organised birthdays for their kid so understand what’s involved

they remembered the event but didnt bother to accept. They must have added it to a diary

it takes 30 seconds

Agree. The polite, non irritating thing to do would be to reply straight away and thank the person for the invitation firstly. Can't think why someone is unable to even achieve that basic thing in their unbelievably busy lives. And then admit to being so utterly disorganised they can't even agree whether they can organise their child to go a party in a few weeks time. And then give the option to the OP whether they still want to invite the child in those circumstances or whether they had better decline straight away so the OP can invite someone reliable. Pretty straightforward I would say. Any other behaviour is just selfish.

I find parents who do that really irritating. They expect you to keep a space for their child on the off chance they decide to attend. It’s even more irritating when you have only invited a small number of children and are paying per head. Some parents also don’t bother to reply at all and then just turn up at the party and expect to be accommodated. I do wonder if some parents wait until the last minute to see if they get a better offer.

Well done OP.

There's no excuse for rudeness. All they had to do is communicate.

People who pretend they're the only busy ones are annoying.

If you're too busy to organise yours or your child's life, don't expect anyone else to bend over backwards.

You snooze you lose.

I've had similar with parents of a friend my DS made through a hobby - parents were flaky and unreliable and as a result I've stopped even trying to invite the friend. It's a real pity for the boys as the two of them really hit it off.

In my experience there are many families who kind of pride themselves on being disorganised. Those ones that rely on the other parents to remind them what colour t-shirt they need for sports day or when they have to pay for the school trip. Constantly expecting other people to pick up the pieces and making no effort to improve.

In my experience there are many families who kind of pride themselves on being disorganised.

Some of them post on here. They like to feel important because they are so "busy"

Not really they're just overwhelmed/ forgetful/ have other things on their mind/ poor executive function/ other shit going on.

It's not great but it's forgetfulness and disorganisation it's not a personal snipe or something either undertones.

You did the right thing op.

People like them are a bloody pain in the arse. You did the right thing.

May not have been waiting for a 'better offer'. Some families have no choice but to operate without much notice and are unable to commit to things in advance.

Usually because of chronic health problems that pop up all the time with the potential to ruin plans, or not knowing if they're going to need to dash to a relatives house to help them etc.

YANBU to offer the place to another child but I wouldn't slate the parents for not replying in time.