To not accommodate child at a party?

[LittleCarrot12]

my oldest child has a good group of friends from school of say 12 kids. Of that 4/5 are better friends. We’ve always done parties for bigger group but this year as he’s older slimmed it down to 6 inc him. The activity has a max number of kids so we couldn’t invite more.

one boys parents are well know for not rsvp-ing or doing so at the last minute. It’s a pain but we’ve always managed to accommodate. Last year the venue was pay in advance and the messaged the night before to say he’d be there. I responded to say I’d already confirmed final numbers but would check with the venue. Ultimately he came.

To avoid this I put a rsvp date on the invite- a group WA which I could see they read. No response so the day of the rsvp deadline I added a message to the chat to say I was confirming numbers that night and any others coming? No response but again they read it.
Based on that I offered the place to a football friend who agreed to come. Morning of the birthday his blinking dad messaged me at 8am to say he was coming! Party was 10am, I replied to say “thanks, but unfortunately all places are accounted for but hopefully we can accommodate CX another time.”
No response.
Now sitting thinking about it and wondering if I should have played it differently. The parents are so flaky and part of me thinks their issue but another feels guilty as all his good friends were there and no doubt chatting about it.

Well it's a shame for the lad but can't be helped. If there were no more spaces left with the venue.

I'd have direct messaged them to avoid this happening at the point you were about to fill his place. Plus I get my child to chase the other child. "You've got to get your mum to reply otherwise you won't be able to come.

Before now I've had people turn up at a year 6 party and drop their child without RSVPing and just pushed off leaving the child who took the space of another child who was late stuck in traffic. Fortunately the venue turned a blind eye when the other child arrived with about 15 mins time left on the activity.

YANBU but I would have messaged the parents directly rather than a reminder on the group chat.

Match schedukes tend to be given out at the beginning of the season so he knows when they’re are planned. If the party falls on one of these dates, then he can decline. If he doesn’t t know he’ll be picked for that match then that’s a choice he has to make, business or pleasure. That’s part of the sacrifice you have to make when player higher level sports.

I think it's fine to offer out the place after not having heard, but I would have made more of an attempt to get in touch - messages on group chats are very easy to miss. So I would have contacted the directly, spoken to them at school (if you see them) and, on the basis that it sounds like your child is at least mid primary school, ask your child to prompt their friend (IME something along the lines of "My mum says if she hasn't heard from your parents by tonight, you can't come to my party" generally gets a very quick response).

You are not being unreasonable. Cheeky fecker!

You have not done anything wrong but I would have prob messaged them directly and said noticed you have not rsvped if I don’t hear from you in 24hrs I will assume son can’t come and won’t pay for his space.

See in this situation the best thing to do is say “hi, X would love to come but he plays football and we don’t currently know the fixtures so aren’t able to commit yet. What is the latest we can rsvp?” Communication is key.

They think their time/effort is more important than yours , hence lazy and late responses

That's the bottom line

YANBU but I would have messaged the parents directly rather than a reminder on the group chat.

^

But why? She's not a secretary

What you wrote is fine

I'm just glad they didn't turn up !

My 2 DCs best friends (2 brothers) are like this. Getting an answer was like getting blood from a stone. (I always persisted as they were their best friends, and I'd often grab the nanny at the school gate to get her to ask the parents).

We moved away a couple of years ago and when we visited last, their nanny told me that the 2 boys no longer get invited to parties because the parents just don't answer/answer really late.

As for being unsure about the date - well this is where communication comes in! Ive organised many parties where a parent has said X would love to but we may have a clash, when do you need to know by?

Or is there someone we can lift share with cos parents will be taking siblings to other places.

Or can we drop off earlier/pick up later due to logisitics difficulties....

Ive accommodated all those requests in the past and occasionally had to make some myself. It's fine. What is not fine is not answering until 2hours before the party!!!!

You have been extremely polite and reasonable about it , I would have struggled to stay so polite with them being that they are so rude

The parents are ludicrous, hopefully it will click for them now that they are spoiling things for their child. Either way, waiting till 8 am on the day of the party to finalise who was coming is something you were not ABLE to do not something you were too mean not to do, IYSWIM.

You gave plenty of RSVP time and also made it clear. Hopefully the parents learned a lesson here. You did nothing wrong.

Weekends are tough for most people, but they're still polite enough to rsvp to things.
We both work full time and DS plays two different sports at the weekends plus DH plays. We still manage to RSVP to things. If we aren't sure or something like that I'll be very honest with the parent and explain when I will know but understand that they may not be able to keep a place open for us.
Sorry but it's basic communication and if you can't do that then you seriously lack respect.

Sorry, that reads like I'm calling you disrespectful directly. I mean a general 'you'.

You are not being unreasonable but if you know what they're like you could have messaged them individually asking for a yes or not the rsvp date.

You shouldn't have too but I might have done that more for the sake of the child.

It's a shame for the child concerned, but their parents need to learn you can't keep messing people around, it's their fault, so their problem.

In this case the parents should communicate that! Say you’re not sure whether there is a match fixture, so perhaps they’d better say no, or offer to pay for the place if they have to decline last minute. The parents ought to be able to see that it’s rude to keep people hanging around while they decide what to commit to. Unfortunately their child doesn’t get to go to parties if football etc is deemed more important- there is a choice..

@LookItsMeAgain brilliant

YANBU - I am going through something similar and I have vowed that I will not do another party. My son is turning 6, we invited his whole class and a few other kids (20), the party will be next Sunday. I asked people to RSVP by today and so far we have heard from five people and right now there will be my son and three other kids. I don't know what to do, the venue has been booked for over a month. I'm not sure how many kids I will have to cater for. Hopefully, I will hear from more of them this week, but it's very frustrating. There is no parents' group chat so there is no way for me to follow up. I hope it comes together and they have a good time, but right now I am very worried about it and I am finding it very stressful.

Thanks all. Feel a bit better now.

For those saying I should have direct messaged I considered it and decided not to. I could see they had read the messages so why should I put so much energy in when they’re not arsed?

The boy has been left off the last few parties because of the parents attitude and won’t be invited to ours next year.

@kidsandpuppies it’s so annoying. The first party we had was like that and rsvp were flying everywhere the night before/day off. I was so stressed with having enough food and party bags.

This

See I couldn’t do this. You are punishing a child, one you say is a great friend, because of their flaky parents.
Doesn’t seem fair to me.