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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unfair on my children?

74 replies

salmonandmash · 20/04/2024 18:17

I am supposed to be going on holiday with my dad and teenage daughters, this summer for one week abroad.
My dad turns 70 the following year, so in 2025. He has just asked the family if we'd like to go on a family holiday abroad to celebrate.
My dad is an amazing man who does so much for everyone, and I can't imagine not going.
However this has thrown me a financial curveball. I can't afford to do two consecutive holidays abroad.
Ideally I'd cancel this year's holiday to Italy, and embrace the big family holiday next year, without worrying about eating into my savings too much.
My 14 year old doesn't seem to mind what we do. But my 17 year old doesn't want Italy cancelled. It's not that I blame her, of course! It IS naturally disappointing. But this is the reality of the situation.
I should add that the 17 year old is turning 18 this year. She will be going to New York with her dad (we're divorced) for a few days. First class flights and a 3k shopping budget for clothes. He is considerably wealthier than me! So it's not like she won't get a treat this summer.
Both girls adore their grandfather, so that's not the issue with regards to this decision.
I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 20/04/2024 18:23

Is your dad shouting you the trip for his 70th?
I would presume he was tbh.

But I'd just say "dad I can't afford to do this year and next year so we'll have to make this year's holiday count as your birthday trip"

Sunsetsandcocktails · 20/04/2024 18:24

I’d speak to your dad and say you can only do one or the other. If he wants to go away for his birthday he may well be paying for it? At least he can clarify and if you are expected to pay for both then you can choose which one you’d prefer to do

Fargo79 · 20/04/2024 18:24

She's 17. She is old enough to handle a relatively small disappointment and definitely old enough to realise that complaining about a postponed holiday, in the context of still going on a first class trip to New York this year with a £3k shopping budget, is extremely bratty.

InTheRainOnATrain · 20/04/2024 18:29

Talk to your dad. I know all families work differently but I’d be surprised if he wasn’t planning on paying for the ‘big 70th holiday’. I personally wouldn’t want to cancel this years though and if it did come down to one or the other I’d stick with what had already been planned, especially if you’d lose money- presumably at least some of it is non refundable even if that’s just a deposit on a package, or flights if booking separately.

Chemistrychic · 20/04/2024 18:29

I wouldn't assume he was paying. Just tell him it's a lovely idea but you can't afford two abroad holidays on the bounce.

YeahComeOnThen · 20/04/2024 18:31

Talk to your Dad, to see which he'd rather do as you can't afford both.

your 17 yo needs to learn a bit of appreciation, she's coming across as a spoilt brat.

BurbageBrook · 20/04/2024 18:39

I wouldn't cancel this year's holiday.

stayathomer · 20/04/2024 18:42

If he’s going this year then just tell him you probably won’t be able to go next year. I’d prioritise this year as next year your 17 yo actually wants to go, and next year she could be working/simply not want to go. If he’s there too then it’s not like he’s not getting a holiday with you

Onetiredbeing · 20/04/2024 18:43

Fargo79 · 20/04/2024 18:24

She's 17. She is old enough to handle a relatively small disappointment and definitely old enough to realise that complaining about a postponed holiday, in the context of still going on a first class trip to New York this year with a £3k shopping budget, is extremely bratty.

I agree. I would think your lovely dad turning 70 trumps a trip for turning 18. She is getting a lovely holiday to NY so she doesn't have to have 2 holidays of her choice.

stayathomer · 20/04/2024 18:44

your 17 yo needs to learn a bit of appreciation, she's coming across as a spoilt brat.
you got that from her wanting to go on holiday this year when she’s been told she’s going?

Original poster
salmonandmash · 20/04/2024 18:44

Thanks everyone. Dad is a working-class man who retired a couple of years ago. Unless he wins the lottery, he won't be paying for his four children, their partners (I'm the exception there Grin) and multiple grandchildren!
He's tentatively asking who's interested in the plan, as everyone else would be going on holiday anyway. And his is a summer birthday.
I agree that my 17 year old is being a bit selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
salmonandmash · 20/04/2024 18:45

But as I said, I can't blame her for being disappointed either.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/04/2024 18:50

God I hate it when posters call teenagers brats/bratty/spoilt. Seriously none of you would have been disappointed at having a holiday abroad cancelled after looking forward to it? I'd be upset even now if someone told me I couldn't go on my holiday this year and I'm in my 40s!

She's allowed to be disappointed at the possibility of not going away with her mum and sibling. It's not the same sort of holiday as the 18th from her dad and she might not even want to go away with you once she's 18

Invisimamma · 20/04/2024 18:55

Can you do Italy as cheap as possible this year and then save like mad for next year. Even if your a bit short could you forgo a holiday in 2026 to catch up financially.

I can see both sides tbh.

Kittenkitty · 20/04/2024 18:55

Yeah I think just talk to your Dad, he sounds great and on this occasion I’d just do whatever he prefers.
either way you’ll have a lovely time. None of us know how long we’ll be fit and well for so make the most of whichever choice and no regrets!

WhamBamThankU · 20/04/2024 19:03

She might not want to come when she's 18, this year could be the last proper family holiday. I don't think she sounds bratty, most of us would be disappointed if a holiday we'd been looking forward to was being cancelled.

caringcarer · 20/04/2024 19:10

I think if you've made the commitment to your DD's you should stick to your plan. Just tell your Dad you'd really love to go but you've already promised your DD's Italy this year and you can't afford both. This might be the last big holiday your elder DD wants to still go with you and her sister. I don't think it's fair to promise DC something then take it away from them because you see the holiday with your Dad as a better offer. I think it's sets a bad example to your DD's that promises made to them are not important.

Dweetfidilove · 20/04/2024 19:10

I understand your 17yr old being disappointed, but she is old enough to start learning that life sometimes throws curveballs.

Given your description of your dad, I would cancel and look forward to celebrating his big birthday with him, in the way he wants.

We do things /make sacrifices for the ones we love and more so for those who love and support us.

You can probably afford to all do something to make her 18th special.

PurpleJustice · 20/04/2024 19:14

I think it's fine to say you'd love to go on the family holiday, but can't do both so which would he rather.

I was surprised so many thought your dad would be paying for a big family holiday!! Not many people can afford that surely?

I also don't think your 17yo sounds like a brat fwiw. Just a disappointed teenager; she'll be fine whatever you decide once she's had a chance to process it.

thanKyouaIMee · 20/04/2024 19:16

Honestly I think I'd also be disappointed at a week in Italy being cancelled so you could go on a big birthday holiday for your dad next year - regardless of other holidays I had planned. I don't think it's bratty to be upset about missing out on a holiday with your mum, even if a separate one with your dad is going ahead.

If your dad is just tentatively suggesting the one for next year, would it not be fine to just say you can't afford both and as you've committed to / planned this years, then next years probably can't happen? Tbh if someone suggested a large family holiday for their birthday, I'd probably think they were going to pay for flights or a villa or similar, saying "come on guys all stump up some £££ to come celebrate me being old abroad" seems a odd concept. Bit like a foreign wedding / hen do, planning a big event abroad but not paying for people means not everyone can go.

OnlyFannys · 20/04/2024 19:20

I think it's a bit unfair to cancel and already planned holiday that they will already be excited about for this even if it is for a special birthday. He doesn't have to do an abroad celebration for a birthday but if that is what he wants to do he has to be appreciative of the fact its not going to be within everyone's budget

MintyCedric · 20/04/2024 19:25

Your DDs 18th birthday is special too and although she’s going away with her Dad, she was obviously looking forward to doing something special with you.

As a PP said, is there no way you can make some cut backs and manage both, maybe whilst explaining to your Dad that you want to go next year but can he please be mindful of costs?

Axx · 20/04/2024 19:25

First class flights to NY will be about 10k so she's lucky this year anyway. I'd tell her to suck it up tbh.

WhiteLeopard · 20/04/2024 19:26

This is so tricky. I don't think your DD is being a brat. A year away feels like a long time at her age.

Anneta · 20/04/2024 19:28

You imply that you could maybe afford both trips but that two trips would eat too much into your savings. If that IS the case, then I would take both trips but maybe the second trip could be instead of Xmas & birthday gifts for your daughters. Or perhaps your eldest daughter could take a part time job to contribute to her costs. Maybe if you are the only one of your family travelling without a partner, your father would be able to help you out financially for the second trip. You will have a long time to save up or sell unwanted items on line etc to make some extra cash. You only live once and you don’t know how much time you have left with your dad.

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