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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unfair on my children?

74 replies

salmonandmash · 20/04/2024 18:17

I am supposed to be going on holiday with my dad and teenage daughters, this summer for one week abroad.
My dad turns 70 the following year, so in 2025. He has just asked the family if we'd like to go on a family holiday abroad to celebrate.
My dad is an amazing man who does so much for everyone, and I can't imagine not going.
However this has thrown me a financial curveball. I can't afford to do two consecutive holidays abroad.
Ideally I'd cancel this year's holiday to Italy, and embrace the big family holiday next year, without worrying about eating into my savings too much.
My 14 year old doesn't seem to mind what we do. But my 17 year old doesn't want Italy cancelled. It's not that I blame her, of course! It IS naturally disappointing. But this is the reality of the situation.
I should add that the 17 year old is turning 18 this year. She will be going to New York with her dad (we're divorced) for a few days. First class flights and a 3k shopping budget for clothes. He is considerably wealthier than me! So it's not like she won't get a treat this summer.
Both girls adore their grandfather, so that's not the issue with regards to this decision.
I don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
LimitedBrightSpots · 20/04/2024 21:18

I wouldn't cancel the holiday this year with your dad. You don't know what might happen... Whether your DD will want to come next year and whether your dad will still be in good health. I speak from experience unfortunately... We had talked for a while about going on holiday with my parents and then my father very unexpectedly became unwell and has received a terminal diagnosis which means that, although with treatment he may hopefully have a couple more years with us, holidays aboard are no longer a possibility. Obviously we have been unlucky and I hope very few other people find themselves in this situation, but still I would take the holiday "in the hand", as it were, over one that is still very much in the planning stage, and let the future take care of itself.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/04/2024 21:22

Why is she being selfish?

He's had a plenty time of time to notice you can't afford a foreign holiday every year. He knows your going this year because he's going too. He's the one being selfish and having a 70th birthday doesn't excuse that.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 20/04/2024 21:26

I would say to her you understand she is disappointed but would she feel even more disappointed next year when the whole family goes away except the 3 of you on a trip they will for ever talk about as joint experience. We have been away with fh whole family twice. First was 8 years ago second lady year. We regularly talk about the first even now

WinterDeWinter · 20/04/2024 21:34

You need to explain the situation to your dad. He may be able to meet you half way on this year's trip - but even if that's not the case, he needs to know that dd is upset and maybe he can talk to her about it?

WinterDeWinter · 20/04/2024 21:42

Just to add - as privileged as she is to have the NY trip, when I was that age I was obsessed with getting a beach holiday/tan and I think she will consider these things to be totally different animals, if that makes sense? So having the NY trip will not console her for the loss of the beach trip.

Teenagers are awful 😁but there's sometimes a logic to it.

Velvian · 20/04/2024 21:47

Do you have any savings? Seeing as your 17 yo may not be holidaying with you for much longer, can you dip into a future pot and scale back on future holidays not yet planned?

RedHelenB · 21/04/2024 08:20

WhamBamThankU · 20/04/2024 19:03

She might not want to come when she's 18, this year could be the last proper family holiday. I don't think she sounds bratty, most of us would be disappointed if a holiday we'd been looking forward to was being cancelled.

This. And for your dad's holiday it might be worth putting some of it on a credit card so you can do both.

Cluelessaf · 21/04/2024 08:24

I think your dad is the one being selfish. Celebrating a birthday doesn't have to involves thousands on a holiday abroad.

distinctpossibility · 21/04/2024 08:24

I'd 100% go to this year's one. It's already planned and budgeted for and who knows what will happen in the future (either good or bad - Lottery win so you could do both or one of the party being unable to go due to poor health or a special offer that makes it affordable or travek restrictions due to war or pandemic) A bird in the hand and all that.

ZekeZeke · 21/04/2024 08:28

There is no guarantee this holiday will even happen next year.
I would go on your planned holiday to Italy.
Anything could happen in a year.
Plus, you have a year to save/plan.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/04/2024 08:28

Could you do a cheap youth hostel type trip to italy? Or just a couple days in the italian city DD wants to visit the most? Its a tough situation and I think all the people calling your 17 year old bratty or selfish is uncalled for. Lots of adults would find that disappointing.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/04/2024 08:33

I’d go to Italy as planned this year. It’s already April and it’s understandable your dd is excited.

talk to your dad and explain you can’t afford a big trip next year and find something affordable. You’ve all known it’s his 70th next year and if he’s only just mentioned the holiday, he won’t be expecting a big expensive hol. A year is a long time - circumstances change as pp say.

fieldsofbutterflies · 21/04/2024 08:34

I agree that my 17 year old is being a bit selfish.

If anyone is being selfish, it's your dad for expecting everyone to fork out thousands of pounds to go abroad for his 70th.

Your daughter is eighteen soon and may not even be living at home next summer - she's being far from selfish imo.

NWQM · 21/04/2024 08:35

How far a long is your Dad's planning? You seem to suggest that it isn't really and he is just testing it out. Can you influence the plans e.g it not be abroad?

I wouldn't be cancelling my family holiday at this stage although I get you are just thinking about it being necessary. I would consider using savings.

DappledThings · 21/04/2024 08:41

Go on this year's holiday as planned. It doesn't sound like next year's is a firm plan at all and you dont knownwhat you need to budget for it. Once you know how many people are up for it you can start to influence the location and cost.

Would your dad really expect you to cancel something for a vague plan of his in the future? My mum had a family holiday in France for her 70th but of she thought it had meant we'd had to cancel a holiday the year before she'd have been embarrassed.

spacehoppercommuter · 21/04/2024 08:45

ZekeZeke · 21/04/2024 08:28

There is no guarantee this holiday will even happen next year.
I would go on your planned holiday to Italy.
Anything could happen in a year.
Plus, you have a year to save/plan.

I agree with this. I wouldnt cancel a planned holiday for one that may or may not happen in a year's time. Going on holiday isnt the only way to celebrate your dad's birthday and I wouldnt expect my kids to fork out for a holiday for my birthday if I knew they had financial commitments that made it difficult for them.

Also agree with this:
If anyone is being selfish, it's your dad for expecting everyone to fork out thousands of pounds to go abroad for his 70th

Itsonlymashadow · 21/04/2024 08:50

I think is very short sighted of your Dad to want people to come on holiday to celebrate his birthday. He must know that this is too expensive for you to do. He must know that’s quite a bit of money for you.

The 17 year old is thinking of it from their point of view. Would they really want to go on a large family holiday next year. And want to do it that much they are happy to cancel this years holiday. A holiday they are looking forward to.

Lots of people wouldn’t. I don’t think it’s surprising really.

Haydenn · 21/04/2024 08:53

I understand your dad can’t pay for everyone. Is he able to loan only you part of the money for you to repay the following year?

Newuser75 · 21/04/2024 08:55

I'm not sure that anyone is being selfish.

Your daughter wants to go on the holiday that has already been planned.

Your dad would like to go on holiday with his family for his special birthday.

Could you compromise somehow and maybe do a uk trip for his birthday next year (if finances allow)?

If not then I'd just explain to your dad that you can't afford to do both. I'd probably stick with the one that is booked.

TreetopWrappingArea · 21/04/2024 08:58

Also agree you should take the family time where you can - especially with teens and oldies. Anything can happen in a year. Next year's trip is a future problem, there are other ways of dealing with it than forgoing this year's properly budgeted for holiday.

Saymyname28 · 21/04/2024 08:59

I think you're not guaranteed your eldest will be able to/ want to go next year. You may be chosing between a holiday with your children or a holiday with your siblings.

Could you speak to your dad and explain you can't afford two abroad holidays and would they consider a UK break instead?

Can you really not afford it or do you not want to spend savings you have?

rookiemere · 21/04/2024 09:00

I wouldn't cancel your holiday this year. At 17 there is a limited number of holidays they will want to go on with you and it's a shame to cancel one of what could the last ones.

Did you have the trip to Italy planned ? Is there anyway you can do it less expensively or indeed go somewhere else? DS18 just announced he did actually want to come away with us this summer, so I managed to pull together a trip to Lisbon and the coast there relatively inexpensively by playing with flights and going for 6 nights with an early flight out and late one back, rather than 7.

If you let us know what you were thinking of we may be able to help.

With your DFs holiday, I think it depends very much on where it is he wants to go, how much it costs and what sort of holiday it is. You aren't obligated to go just because he is a wonderful DF and DGF if it's not the sort of holiday your family wants to go on.

OhHelloMiss · 21/04/2024 09:03

Your dd will be 18 by next years trip.....an adult

She can pay for herself? Or get over herself!

SpringOfContentment · 21/04/2024 09:10

How much would it cost to cancel this summers holiday? ie how much is already paid and none refundable?

TheaBrandt · 21/04/2024 09:20

Agree with most others. Don’t cancel your trip with your Dd she may be off next year. I also think it’s quite off of the dad to expect so many people to change their main holiday plans on his account. He doesn’t have to drag everyone abroad he could celebrate here.