Is this unfair on my children?

[salmonandmash]

I am supposed to be going on holiday with my dad and teenage daughters, this summer for one week abroad.
My dad turns 70 the following year, so in 2025. He has just asked the family if we'd like to go on a family holiday abroad to celebrate.
My dad is an amazing man who does so much for everyone, and I can't imagine not going.
However this has thrown me a financial curveball. I can't afford to do two consecutive holidays abroad.
Ideally I'd cancel this year's holiday to Italy, and embrace the big family holiday next year, without worrying about eating into my savings too much.
My 14 year old doesn't seem to mind what we do. But my 17 year old doesn't want Italy cancelled. It's not that I blame her, of course! It IS naturally disappointing. But this is the reality of the situation.
I should add that the 17 year old is turning 18 this year. She will be going to New York with her dad (we're divorced) for a few days. First class flights and a 3k shopping budget for clothes. He is considerably wealthier than me! So it's not like she won't get a treat this summer.
Both girls adore their grandfather, so that's not the issue with regards to this decision.
I don't know what to do

From how you put it I don't think your Dad is being selfish at all. I think it's his big birthday, you're a close family and so he's just suggesting a nice thing to do and seeing if you're up for it.

He's asking you the question. You have a factual answer, which is you'd love to but you're already committed to going away this year and so you can't afford it. If it was my own Dad, who is also lovely, the last thing mine would want is to make things difficult and he would absolutely want me to be honest. Only thing is that this means that you can only tell him if it's a definite no as once he is aware he likely would feel bad and not push it any further, so I completely understand how you feel.

I'm going to contradict myself a bit but just as an aside, I'd have no issue with the principle of telling my DS if I thought we should do the family trip (although he is a lot younger). I sort of feel like it's two separate issues of principle. If you're asking whether your daughter should suck it up if you replace this year's holiday with one next year, and she ONLY(!) gets to go to New York this year, then absolutely I think she should. I'm quite surprised by the other replies on this thread saying otherwise, to be honest.

I would go on this year’s trip. Has anyone else in your family agreed to go on this holiday together next year? It might be that they’re in a similar boat. We’d be the same- big holidays abroad would be once every three or four years and we wouldn’t be able to do two in a row. I am sure your dad understands that.

Go as planned this year.

I think your daughter is very reasonably upset! It's also unreasonable of your dad to expect everyone to base their holiday plans around his birthday. Absolutely no way would I cancel this year's holiday, which is already planned. Who knows what the situation will be next year anyway?

I struggle to reconcile the image of your dad as this fantastic thoughtful wonderful man, but also he throws out the idea of an expensive holiday for his birthday to the whole family before checking his single parent daughter can afford it when she's already going on holiday with him this year.

I don't think your daughter is being a brat or selfish to not want to cancel a holiday she's looking forward to. Is the big family holiday going to be of equal interest to her in terms of location, activities, food etc?

If you can afford both then I'd be doing everything I could to make that work, even if it eats into your savings a bit, assuming it doesn't empty them. If not, I'd be saying that I couldn't afford the second holiday, either in its own right or even if I cancelled this years one (due to money lost).

Would you really expect an 18 year old to pay hundreds (if not thousands) of pounds just to celebrate her grandather's 70th birthday?

😂😂😂 Do you have adult children?

Our 20year old is coming with us this year as we are paying for her to come. She does pay for some dinner and drinks when away with us, I wouldn’t have it any other way. She has also booked and paid for herself to go away with friends too.

i go away for long weekends with my mum and she pays for me, that’s what parents do.

I don’t think your 17 yr old is being selfish, I’d be gutted to know I was going on a summer holiday only for it to be cancelled. We live in the moment and we don’t plan for next year at 17 years old.

If she's working yes. She's happy to put op in this position when she will be an adult

Where is it to op? Posters are thinking it's going to cost thousands pp?

She's just said abroad, so likely not cheap once you factor in flights, food and accommodation.

I genuinely can't imagine expecting my 18 year old to fork out that much money because their grandparent was demanding a holiday abroad for their birthday.

I don't think your DD is being selfish. She was looking forward to going to Italy with her mum, sister and grandfather and now there is talk of cancelling it. Talk of cancelling it leaves it more open to protest as it isn't actually cancelled and you aren't sure whether to cancel it so she is expressing her desire to go and trying to take you into still going. If you cancelled it she may be fine about it.

I would talk to your dad about it. Find out which holiday he would rather you went on. He may prefer to go on both, one with your family and one with the rest of his family. You'll not know until you ask. Then I would make the decision based on what your DDs wanted to do, what your father wanted to do AND what I wanted to do.

I'd be saying, "I'd love to come Dad but I've already promised DDs a holiday to Italy that we've booked for this year. I'm not sure I'll be able to do both."

Go on this years holiday ...it's all planned and you're all looking forward to it. Next year DD may have fallen madly in love and won't want to go away with the family, your dad's health may suddenly decline, the UK or country you hope to visit we may be at war/in a pandemic or you may have won the lottery. A year is a long time.

I'd also tell your dad that you can't afford to go abroad next year and he may decide to choose a cheaper break or subsidise you as a birthday treat to himself. Also look at options like upcoming Christmas or birthday presents being a contribution towards the trip next year

When you say you can't do both without "eating into savings too much" - surely this is exactly what savings are for? You can put money back in your savings but you'll never get back your DD's 18th or your Dad's 70th where people want to spend time away together and with you and have the time and health to do it. I would be doing all I could to make sure both trips happened.

I've read so many posts on here telling (usually) women that no one past childhood makes a big fuss of a birthday, you're being a princess if you do etc. And heaven forbid if it was a MIL who wanted a family holiday for her birthday! But mostly posters on here are being so nice about the dad's wishes for his 70th, despite the upset they're causing other people.
Savings for many are for new boilers and big utility bills and MOT fails, not just holidays.

I think you're being selfish wanting to cancel a booked holiday as you've had a better offer, not your daughter. If your dad had suggested it before this one was agreed then you would have had a decision to make but if you're already booked then he has missed the boat. If you can't afford two you can't afford the one not yet booked. I'm also the parent of a 17yo and am very aware that each holiday could be our last as a family. I'd be priorising her holiday and 18th over my dad (as he would wish too). The fact her dad is taking her away to NY is separate and I'm surprised you put so little value on this year's trip.

Is she being selfish? Or did you ask her for her feelings and not like the answer?

Because having an opinion or explaining how you are feeling is not in itself intrinsically selfish and its a big dangerous to tell a teenage girl that having an opinion, having feelings and being able to vocalise them in an appropriate manner is selfish

It all depends on how she is doing it of course

I can understand it from both sides... but I would side with your Dad. You can rearrange Italy again and have a great time! It's not that she's bratty, it is a disappointment, but it's not because you're cancelling it to spite her!
If you are stuck with the Italy holiday and don't want to loose your money cancelling it, have a look at transfertravel.com .. (https://www.transfertravel.com/) and see if you can sell it on there x

Hope this helps and just be honest with your daughter and dad - they will understand x

This is a great point- whenever someone talks about a big birthday on here, they get told to stop being so precious about it and that birthdays arent a big deal at all after age 18 so its a bit surprising that suddenly its so important that the OP should cancel her existing booked holiday 😂

But how and when can she arrange the Italy trip with her DD?
Once she is over 18 there is no guarantee she will even want to go on a family holiday so if they don't go this summer, that window might have closed.

Please come back OP and tell us what you have decided?

Also a big family holiday may not be her idea of fun.
Maybe all the cousins are much younger and she feels trapped between the children or the adults. or she'll be expected to entertain them all.
Maybe she knows that the Op will then want to just sit and talk with her family and she was really looking forward to spending some time with her.
Maybe she knows that she will be expected to spend the entire time with her cousin of the same age that she finds a spoilt horror.
Maybe she knows that the particular dynamic means that she'll be the one asked to tidy up/go and get the drinks/do what the others want etc.

I mean I've got people I'd happily cancel a planned holiday to go away with them instead - and people for whom I'd rather have no holiday than go away with. She can have an opinion.

I’d go to Italy and still try and find a way to join the holiday next year. If you really can’t do both, do Italy. You never know what’s round the corner that might make the big family not happen or not what you planned.

Organising a birthday trip for the four children of the OP's dad, their parents and offspring, will be complicated. There is no guarantee it will happen.

I don’t think you can count her trip with her dad as making her spoilt. That’s a birthday thing between her and her father.

I wouldn’t cancel a pre planned trip with my children for this year on a might get something penned down for next year.

I do think it’s actually poor form from your father to invite his family to a big birthday bash abroad when his not putting his hands in his pocket when he must know your not that well off.

I don't think anyone is being selfish here.

I can't see what the OPs dad is supposed to have done wrong, he's floated the idea of a family holiday for a big birthday, not ordered everyone to go!

I can also see why the DD is upset, I'm older than her and would be upset if a nice holiday I was looking forward to was cancelled. Even if she's lucky in other ways it's still a disappointment for her. Considering her age she'll likely be working next summer, there's no guarantee she'll be able to go on the big family holiday (assuming she'd want to go).

OP If it would just mean your "fun money" savings were depleted and it wouldn't leave you unable to cover an emergency then I would try and do both holidays. If you really can't then personally I'd probably stick to going this year, but either way just make the decision and do it quickly so it's not dragged out.