Do you plan for your child's education assuming they'll be super smart ?

[trainsg]

I've been in touch with a few parents in my DS nursery.

They will all start school in September so of course the talk is all about where they may or may not go.

I've noticed that very educated parents seem to be planning their child's education, expecting them to go to a grammar school or ruling out other schools for not being academic enough etc.

I'm also educated ( masters degree etc ) and I had good grades at school but I'm not assuming my children are going to be like me and I would rather assume that I want them to be in the nicest environment for them, rather than the most academic one to start with.

My child is 4. So it's hard to tell how it will go for him. I want to see, if he's academically gifted and a grammar school or an ultra competitive school is for him, it will become clear. But I'm not planning my choices from primary school, assuming he'll be a genius.

I'm not saying I'm right and they're wrong. In fact I'm starting to think I'm wrong because all the parents I speak to, seem to be planning for their children to go to grammar school / highly competitive schools already. Maybe I have the wrong attitude ? I just don't want my child to be under all this pressure from us. Just because we were reasonably academic, doesn't mean he'll be too. Or do you ' make a child academic '?

I haven't read the thread but you are 100% right to keep an open mind. I found school easy and did well. I assumed my kids would be the same. They are the opposite. I assumed going for the best on paper would give them a better chance of doing well, but it just made them miserable. There is more to education than the GCSE results. The competitive schools do well because they are teaching to a preselected able group, who also frequently have other advantages in life. It doesn't signal that the teaching is any better, so don't be fooled by that. Just see how your child gets on and and choose the school where you feel they are most likely to thrive and be happy.

Rightly or wrongly my children went to the local nursery, school and high school. I only started thinking about saving for uni in their first year of high school. I will support what they are passionate about. Being successful in education isn't the be all and end all certainly not to me, I just expect them to try their best. You can't plan for everything.

To answer the question directly, I decided to send them to a local prep school as I didn't want my child struggling in a large class and not being able to get help. Local school was classes of 30 then, local prep 14.

Also breakfast and after school clubs less embedded in state schools than it is now but prep school 100% reliable in this regard.

Both doctors, DH Cambridge

@PaperStarred

In my experience that’s social anxiety/aspirations speaking. DH and I and most of our friends have doctorates and are just sending our children to the geographically closest school.

Despite its being OFSTED rated inadequate, I’m sure.

LOL.

We have always encouraged our kids to do what they enjoy, work hard and make their own choices.

Both went state to the school of their choice, it was in special measures when eldest started. One got a scholarship for 6th form at private school ( was asked to apply, never crossed our mind to go private). The other decided to change to a more academic 6th form and that was a transformation!

We have tried, not always succeeded, to ignore the competitive parenting banter. Focus on family and not to compare, waste of energy.

Both are now at uni's in the top 5 of the world for their subjects. Never set out for this to happen though

You are naive to think your DC won’t have to prep for or sit the 11+ entrance exam for the upper school even if it is a through school. They will. Any reasonable indie school trades on results and they are ruthless at weeding out kids at 7 and 11 for any reason they see might affect their league table position.

TBF, her children might be amongst those who pass the 11+ without preparing, mightn't they? Of course, most children do have to prepare, which rather indicates that 'intelligence' is a often matter of nurture.

I meant internal prep by the school. They don’t necessarily want their own prep school kids not to pass the exam. Not that the op would be organising tutoring.

I planned.

Where I am, your address determines where you go to school (US). So I live in an area with excellent schools (affluent suburb of a major city).

Three of the DCs were high performers, two not so much, though one of the latter suddenly started working at university and now has a professional (graduate) degree. The schools were equipped to get the best out of each student.

I think you can see pretty early on whether your child is intellectually curious and intelligent, and if making the most of that isnt going to be straightforward in the area where you live, it's a good idea to strategise.

No matter what sort of ability or potential your child has, it never hurts to encourage good habits - being organised, managing time, following interests, working at challenging areas with determination.

I think the people you’ve been talking to perhaps aren’t in such a privileged position as you. It’s easy to say you aren’t thinking about your children’s academics in the future when you can afford independent school all the way through. For those that can’t or for whom it would be a struggle, moving to an area with better secondary schools, making sure they do well in primary and get into a grammar school can be the only way to guarantee a good education.

My dd is only two but we’re already considering moving closer to mine and dh’s work both for better schools and less commuting. We will probably have to pay about twice the amount for the same size house too. She might not be academic which is fine but I’d like to think I’d given her the chance I can to succeed.

I think you’re doing the same by putting your child into a private primary to ensure they get into the secondary. You may just have a less ‘’vocal’ approach.

I believe you plan for the best and adjust as you go along. Better than undiscovered potential.

Where I’m from, everyone takes exams that decide which secondary school you attend, so you start laying the foundation early. Just coasting and seeing where the chips fall has always seemed a very privileged position to me.

My DD is 2y and has started reading words independently already, I taught myself to read very young and I am academic, so yes I suspect she may be too. Would I plan for grammars and whatnot - no, I wouldn’t, I just want her to be happy in whichever school we choose for her later. I don’t like the super ambitious parents who are pressuring their kids from a very young age, we call this “sick ambitions” where I come from (not UK).

I'm not assuming they'll be academic though. I'm planning for the fact they might not be. But I still want them to do well at school, as it's required in life. So I'm planning to give them the support ( smaller classes, through school ) etc.

My point is that others are planning for their child to be very academic, so sending them to primary schools which are just prep schools ( not through schools ) and then facing the prospect of either competitive private secondaries or grammars.

It's a very London-centric approach. The vast majority of us may only have 1 or 2 schools to pick from which we need to take or leave. Most of the country doesn't have grammar or selective schools on their doorstep. We assumed DD would be bright because we are, but we had no opportunity to target schools accordingly.

I don't think you necessarily would know what school is right by the age of 4. You may see that your child is bright, but that alone is not a reason to choose a school. Are they competitive, what are their social skills like? Are they ND? Quiet, creative, scientific etc. All of these things slowly emerge. My DD when 4 was clearly very bright, but she would absolutely hate a grammar school. She's creative, social and not remotely competitive and would most likely rebel against the pressure. Knowing her now as an 11 year old, I know she would far prefer co Ed to single Ed, but at 4, I would not have known most of this.

But some parents have their heart set on a specific school. It's their choice but I firmly believe that there is no one size fits all to education and what's right for one is not for another, and really academic ability is really only part of that.

Their plan only becomes a problem if the child is not academic, but the parents insists on them being so, at the child’s detriment.

Some parents are overly ambitious and pushy, but most are just trying to lay a strong foundation (rightly or wrongly).

Ultimately life and our children will humble us. Time will tell if it was the right choice or unfounded assumptions or entitlement.

Er, no.

Grammar school wouldn't have even been an option as we don't live near one! Surely you must know this isn't the norm for most people as most kids go to state secondary schools.

While I agree it sounds madness, I have to say, I did think I knew where mine were heading by about that age and I have been right. We live near a grammar school and always thought my eldest would go there (they do). But I also thought it wouldn't be right for the youngest. They had always been a bit behind expected and just not as academic generally.
However I do seem to be very much in a minority in terms of not training them up to get them in there. Didn't tutor eldest as genuinely believed they had the ability (did start to doubt myself though because EVERYONE else was). And I definitely get some looks when I said the youngest wasn't going to do the test. It's not enough to pass here - you need a much higher score. And I just didn't think they would get it. But I also didn't think it would be right for them even if I did.
I don't know what the future holds, but they are both smart, just in very different ways. Hopefully they are in the right schools for them

I assumed both my children would be educated to university level, both of us were and to be honest I think it's just what you do, they both are, one to post grad, the other about to start postgrad. No grammar schools were we lived so not an issue. My kids grew up assuming you did a levels and went to university, as did all their friends, don't know of any that didn't head to university though a couple dropped out (Covid times and struggling with mental health)

Well, it's not "just what you do" as many people don't.

You've obviously never met a late developer! Bright, but not hitting milestones on reading and writing...till suddenly it kicks in and they're off.
My dd was one of those... fortunately DH had been too so we didn't prejudge.

You're right op. Support your kid to fulfil their individual potential.

DH and I are fairly academic (5 STEM degrees between us, DH Oxbridge, me RG). I suppose we've always assumed that our dcs would be bright, at least enough to do well in school and go to a good university (a good traditional university but not necessarily Oxbridge). I don't think that's an unrealistic expectation (I am the first generation of my family to go to university so it's not a view I've always grown up with).

We live in London and there aren't grammar schools in our area, although we've reviewed the options of different places to live so we had the option of moving to a grammar area, including moving out of London. Certainly, lots of our colleagues have moved out of London to be able to have more grammar school options - but we like London living and decided we would rather stay central. Most of the grammar areas in London are in the outer zones and we weren't keen on that lifestyle, so that was a major factor. But also most of them are superselective (more so than most grammar areas outside London, huge numbers of applicants) and we certainly weren't confident that our dcs would be clever/hard working enough to get into those schools, or have the personality that would thrive in that environment.

We aren't religious and we wouldn't consider a faith school, so we decided to choose where to live that would be near a top state comp. To me that seemed the most sensible option if you are moving somewhere with schools as a priority - I couldn't imagine being so confident in my child's ability to get into a grammar that I'd move somewhere (when dcs are under 5) with the aim of them attending a particular grammar school. We can afford to go private for secondary (DDs are currently in a prep) but the state comp here is good enough that it is often chosen over selective private schools, and it's reassuring to have it as an option when considering 11+ choices.