DS suddenly refusing to go to nursery

[50Fifty]

More a WWYD? Posting here as never get any replies in Parenting.

My 3 year old DS (4 in June) started nursery last August. 4 days a week, 8-1. He was going in fine and enjoying it until about 2 weeks ago. All of a sudden he doesn't want to go, cries, has tantrums and refuses to get dressed. When I ask him why he doesn't want to go all he says is, "nursery's boring". He says he doesn't like the toys and they don't have fun things to play with. I know this isn't true as the nursery post daily about what the kids have been doing - arts & crafts, experiments, playing in the garden, dress up, reading, playing educational games, etc.

He has a younger sibling who I'm at home with during the day. I don't know if he just wants to stay home and play with them or if there's a bigger issue. I've spoken to the nursery and they tell me he has great fun when he's there and don't have any concerns. He never raises anything with them either.

DH is adamant that we force him to go (not sure how that's possible), despite how distressed he gets about it. I'm 50/50. I agree that he has to learn that you can't always get/do what you want, but at the same time he's still very young and clearly upset. I don't want this becoming a bigger problem.

WWYD? If anyone has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear how you handled it.

Whenever my son occasionally did this, it was because something had upset him. It turned out there was a boy he was friends with who was quite violent in play and hurt him on a few occasions. (Wrestling, running into him, hitting him with things.) I managed to get it out of him by asking specific questions (did someone hurt you?) but it was difficult and mostly he just played up but said everything was fine.

The staff were surprised he was so upset because they said he didn't seem to be at the time (ice pack and off playing again) but kept a close eye and kept them separate, and after a few days he'd be fine again.

So I guess I would say ask questions. He might be feeling that Sunday night dread we get as adults, without knowing how to express it.

Is he starting school in September?

Assuming he is, then the goal should be to make sure he is going into nursery regularly or the start of school will be hard.

It's possibly something like there is another child who doesn't want to play with him "so nursery is boring" or an activity he finds difficult so the "the toys are rubbish".

Does he feel jealous that younger sibling gets you alone? Do you get some one to one time with him?

Thanks for your reply. There have been a couple of instances where another boy has scratched him but not for a while that I'm aware of. The nursery has children aged 2-5 all in the same room so he's one of the younger ones (although one of the tallest). I did ask him if anyone had hurt him and he said no. It's just weird that this reluctance started all of a sudden when he'd been happy to go before. I think there may well be a more valid reason than it being boring, just need to figure out what that is and what to do in the meantime.

No, he doesn't start school until next August. I don't think there's any jealousy around my time with his brother. There's only 20 months between them so they are close and play well together. I know he doesn't have any close friendships at nursery, which I'm told is normal at this age. He's only in nursery half days so we have a lot of time together in the afternoons and as a family at the weekends.

Any other suggestions gratefully received.

Have you spoken to your child’s key person at nursery? They might be able to shed some light on this. It’s a good idea to talk to nursery about how he’s feeling and they can work with you to get to the bottom of what’s upsetting him.

I would say with my DS that whenever he said something was boring it was actually that he was upset by something but couldn’t quite express it in another way. Keep asking in different ways and listening. Is there a time when his more chatty? Do you know any other parents to chat with quite often you can hear quite alot about a place on the grape vine. The do go through phases as well though don’t they

Given that the nursery are saying he is fine once he is there, (and you trust them and are happy with the quality of care presumably) I think I would just persevere by staying calm and positive. It’s not forcing him, but he needs to know that although you’ll listen and support him, this isn’t negotiable. Gently lead him or carry him if you have to. Is he upset when you leave and if so do how long does he take to settle?
Could he take a favourite toy or game into nursery with him? Not because you really believe the toys are boring but so he has a transition object that might help him settle.

My advice might be different if the nursery were saying he was upset while there.

We had this issue on and off throughout nursery. She loved lockdown as she didn’t have to go. She started school the following September and again, every morning she didn’t want to go. We preserved until the end of year 2 until everything became too much. We now have an AuDHD diagnosis and home educate.

I wish I’d listened to her earlier. She wasn’t happy. School always said she was fine but my daughter says otherwise.

If he's 4 in June, does he not start school in September?

I think it's just asserting independence - I'd phone nursery after an hour or so and see if he's settled - if so tough it out.

School isn't optional.

Maybe not in the UK as schools don't start in August here.

Definitely talk to his key person OP, they can work on strategies - like arranging a game he likes to be set up when he arrives, or making sure he's being involved in activities, or ensuring nothing's happening to upset him while he's there. Boredom isn't likely to be the real reason. When kids tell me "it's so boring" it's usually because they're upset about something and don't feel confident joining in.

Funny enough I was talking about this with my now 16 year old dd today, who, the day she turned 4, started to cry and resist nursery. I kept on making her go , and she never really verbalised the problem. Only when older did she explain that on turning 4 the nursery got much stricter and started enforcing rules that would be there when at school - main one being they took her soft toy off her and wouldn't let her cuddle it all day. I always felt so sorry I'd never got to bottom of it, as if I'd known this, could have helped and let them know what a big deal this was to her. So definitely worth asking nursery if any thing changed in routine etc

Scotland is part of the UK and school starts in August.

I’ve had a child refuse to go to school, it is really hard. Looking back I would have listened and given him a break. He is so young, keep him home and try again when he is slightly older. Enjoy the time with him and his brother. There is no rush!

They do in scotland!!!!!

School is optional actually. Education isn't, but school is particularly when you're 3!

If it's only been two weeks I'd persevere, there's a chance it will stop as quickly as it started. I'd ask the nursery about any new activities/children/staff that started 2/3 weeks ago and see if there is anything there.

If he's still doing this in another couple of weeks I'd think about taking him out for an early summer and trying again in September.

Don't force him. Listen to him. Your dh has no empathy.

It's very common it's a novelty at first then reality sets in. I would try to drop off slightly later and collect earlier. Children can get distressed if they are first in or last out. Also the nursery would tell you if he was distressed all day.
i wouldn't remove him as when he starts school it's not optional good luck

He probably just feels like he is missing out with you being at home with his sibling.
My DS used to get very upset going into nursery but I needed to work so there was no option other than forcing him to go in. I might not have done that if I didn't need to go to work. Eventually drops offs got easier and he would come home really happy.
I can see your DHs point. When DS is in school he won't really have the option of staying home so probably best he gets used to it now.

My daughter is 3 and hates going child minders. But she loves the child minder. Loves her friends. Loves the activities. But my daughter hates GOING child minders. You have to force them. They have to go school, they have to get a job. You have to work (or look after the other child). Husband is right here, some days are easier than others, but you have to set boundaries and time limits (get changed by x o clock so theres enough time to get in the car ect

My daughter started doing this about 3 and a half and is lasted a good few months. She'd been going nearly 2 years and although she didn't settle as a baby, was a content toddler and enjoyed nursery.
It coincided with me getting pregnant so assumed that it was causing the unsettledness. But it continued and got worse. A few staff left the setting. I didn't really want to disrupt her when she would be starting school in 6 months.
Eventually I moved her. It was the best decision. She happily skips into nursery every day now. Many more staff ended up leaving old nursery and they had a terrible Ofsted report released just after we left.

How bright is your kid? I mean if he's going to be 4 in June 2024, then presumably he's in a room where a lot of the other kids are just about to start school? It's fine that you have deferred his place, but that means he is going to be the oldest for a long time. If he's in with 3-4 year olds and they are doing a lot of school preparation which he already knows (numbers, colours, simple words ) and less free play, might he just be bored? (Assuming you are in England.
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I’d be concerned something happened there.

Def could be a phase. Spend some extra time with him.

if nothing happed then he needs to go.

I totally understand where you're coming from but I think your husband is right. If you give in to the tantrums now it will cause more grief down the line. Could you cut his days down to 3 for a while to see if that helps? Definitely ask the staff to see if they can keep a close eye to see if anything is off.
Both my sons hated nursery. They just wanted to be home with me all the time so I think that's all it is. But it's good for them to be in a nursery setting. It prepares them for what's to come.
I'm sure it's a phase and he will get over his reluctance soon enough.