DS suddenly refusing to go to nursery

[50Fifty]

More a WWYD? Posting here as never get any replies in Parenting.

My 3 year old DS (4 in June) started nursery last August. 4 days a week, 8-1. He was going in fine and enjoying it until about 2 weeks ago. All of a sudden he doesn't want to go, cries, has tantrums and refuses to get dressed. When I ask him why he doesn't want to go all he says is, "nursery's boring". He says he doesn't like the toys and they don't have fun things to play with. I know this isn't true as the nursery post daily about what the kids have been doing - arts & crafts, experiments, playing in the garden, dress up, reading, playing educational games, etc.

He has a younger sibling who I'm at home with during the day. I don't know if he just wants to stay home and play with them or if there's a bigger issue. I've spoken to the nursery and they tell me he has great fun when he's there and don't have any concerns. He never raises anything with them either.

DH is adamant that we force him to go (not sure how that's possible), despite how distressed he gets about it. I'm 50/50. I agree that he has to learn that you can't always get/do what you want, but at the same time he's still very young and clearly upset. I don't want this becoming a bigger problem.

WWYD? If anyone has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear how you handled it.

They do in Scotland.

Dd1 now 10 suddenly started to refuse nursery about the same age
It turns out another child had been playing very rough with her and none of the nursery staff had picked up that it upset her
It took alot of questions to get to the bottom of it
Do you like playing with x? What do you play? Is that fun?

They are the best of friends now and while still a bit rough in play the other child is the sweetest kid ever

a 3 year old doesn't get to decide anything. Once you are back at work and having to dispatch both children, you won't have time for any of this.
Obviously enquire whether there is anything making him upset (nasty other child/employee at nursery), but if it's just FOMO, ignore and get on with your day.
Not the sort of mamby pamby parenting they love on MN, but a toddler cannot be allowed to dictate your life.

Organise playdates with his classmates. Then he'll develop friendships and want to go in as he'll look forward to seeing them.

We did this with dd when she started mentioning the name of nursery playmate just before she turned two - I ambushed the mum, invited the other kid to her 2nd birthday picnic, and from then on it became much smoother dropping her off because she was excited to see her friend.

I assume op lives in Scotland- dates match up with their admissions system

This. Even if you were to let him stay home from nursery, what if he doesn't want to go to school? I'd nip it in the bud and make him go. You know he likes it once he's there. 4 year olds can't be allowed to make decisions that are not in their own best interests just to get their own way.

Listen to him. He is unhappy but can not tell you why.
Ignore the photos uploaded by the nursery. They are PR.

Take your kid out of nursery. It’s an unsafe environment for him but he’s too young to explain why. The nursery staff will probably say everything is fine and they haven’t noticed anything amiss. Don’t believe them

My 3 year old did this a while ago. He does have a learning disability and is non verbal. He had just changed nurseries but was fine going in at first then starting getting more and more upset. It turns out he was getting a bit left out, he will naturally gravitate towards books and nursery took that as a sign he was fine but actually it was just his safe space. They put in lots of visuals and made a bit more effort and he’s now back to really enjoying it. I spoke to nursery at the time and they said he was fine but I would listen to your child’s behaviour. If it’s a new thing I think there’s definitely more than ‘it’s boring’ going on.

How exactly does a 3 year old refuse to go somewhere? You are their parent. Just dress them and take them! 🙄

I know it sounds harsh but do you really have time for this kind of nonsense? If your child learns that they don't have to go to nursery if they don't want to (a setting where they just play all the time), how do you think they are going to cope with school.

A bit of tough love is needed here. You are the boss and they are going. No discussion. (Kids pick up on wavering parents and will absolutely try to pull your heartstrings). Make sure they realise there isn't a debate to be had. It'll soon pass.

Are you on maternity leave? Just thinking if it's a relatively new thing you being home with a sibling he may have just clocked you are home and think he's missing out on something

Oh dear. You clearly see parenting as a power struggle. I wonder whether you felt powerless as a child and now seek to seize power as a parent. This line of thinking is very toxic, though.

A child should be listened to and empathised with. I would try to find out what’s wrong. I would certainly not be leaving my child with nursery staff in a distressed state. I have been told “she’s fine” before and it’s lies. Now my child is 3 she has told me nursery praise her for not crying at drop off(!!) and that she knows that’s not ok as “it’s always ok to cry mummy”. They will do anything to keep parents out of their hair. OP needs to get to the bottom of his distress, not ignore it in the name of maintaining “control”.

I'm sorry but this is clear projection on your part.

There might be something wrong at nursery and the OP should look into it, but children also get upset about all sorts of utter nonsense and unless it's a real problem, shouldn't be pandered to.

My youngest used to be inconsolable because 'her shadow was following her' when she went to school. Should I have kept her at home? A bit of reassurance and some tough love and it went away.

Pandering just leads to kids with a lifetime of anxiety.

Where did I say she should keep him at home?

I think you are confused about what “pandering” is. You either “reassured” your little one (which I would say means you addressed her fears with your words), or you gave her “tough love” (which I would say means you ignored them). If what you mean is that you reassured her feelings but supported her in continuing to go, I’d say that’s just having boundaries.

You are clearly one of those people who misunderstands gentle parenting and thinks it’s just “pandering”, when actually it looks like you are doing it yourself.

Thanks for all the replies!

To clear a few things up/answer a few questions...

I'm in Scotland, nursery and school start in August here.

I'm not on maternity leave, my youngest is 2.

He's in a private setting, not a school nursery as I didn't want or need the long hours. The placement is all year, not term time only.

I have spoken to his key worker and the nursery manager who are very approachable and forthcoming. They are both surprised he doesn't want to go as they say he has fun whilst he's there and never seems upset.

I don't need to stay at handover, he happily walks in and waves goodbye to me. He's also never upset when I pick him up (although he's clearly been clock watching as he's pointed out the clock to me a few times and said, "mummy comes and gets me when the clock says 1").

"how does a 3 year old refuse to go somewhere?" - Easily! Suggesting that it's as easy as just dressing hi. and putting him in the car against his will suggests that you have no experience of this situation (or 3/4 year olds) at all. Whilst I appreciate you're view on making it clear that I'm the adult and he does as I tell him, in practice, it's not quite as simple as that.

He's gone to nursery yesterday and today. He told me he didn't want to but didn't push back/cry/tantrum when I explained to him why he had to go. If he'd become distressed about it again then I wouldn't have forced him.

I think he feels a bit left out as the older kids, who have been there a lot longer than he has, have established friendships and he hasn't yet managed to find his circle. He loves playing with others but lacks the confidence to join in unless invited to do so, so he spends a lot of his time playing alone. I've raised this with the nursery staff and they're making more of an effort to encourage group play which he really enjoys. They've also tried to buddy him up with different kids to do certain activities.

I've questioned him about who he plays with, what they did, if he had fun. He often tells me he played "all by myself" as the other boys and girls were playing with each other and didn't want to play with him. Hopefully things will change in August when the older ones go to school and he becomes one of the eldest.

Apparently I refused to let go of my mum at nursery drop off as I hated her leaving me anywhere. But if someone else took me I skipped in happily. I was fine leaving my mum but not her leaving me! My own child went through a phase of not wanting to go to nursery and I suspect it was the same issue but I had no one else to do drop offs. He clung to me and cried but staff let me peek through the window 2 minutes later and he was laughing and playing so I persevered and he stopped the fuss in the end. It's horrible when they are upset but if he's fine the minute you are out of sight it's worth insisting as it does get better.

School is opt in hence having to apply. Home education is the default but so many parents don't realise it. It's completely legal. Every child must be educated but not necessarily in a school setting.

Managed to get it out of DS this morning that the boy who was scratching him previously has tried to bite him, that's why he doesn't want to go 😥 I've contacted the nursery to inform them and requested that they be kept apart.

I would assume that something is bothering him or has upset him. Maybe something at nursery. I’d ask the staff if anything has changed - new teacher? New children? Change in routine? And also if they could watch his interactions with other children a bit more. Even if he mostly has a good time it could be that someone is teasing him or being unkind to him. It can be hard for children at this age to clearly explain what’s wrong (he might not even know) and they think that the adults around them (teachers, parents) know everything so they don’t understand why you don’t understand/can’t fix the problem.

Out of all the school years I believe nursery is the best for kids … but that’s only if they enjoy it.
If it was me I’d listen to my child . I wouldn’t pull him out nursery but it’s not compulsory.
Id take the pressure of him leave him for a week then say would you like to go to nursery today ? . If one day he does and another he doesn’t that’s fine .
He has company at home so won’t do him any harm.
Also maybe the novelty has worn off and he simply enjoys being home with you all
more.

I knew it would be something like that! Glad you got to the bottom of it OP. Nursery will be able to keep an eye out now they know.

Of course schools start in August in some places in the UK. So confidently stated, so incorrect.

OP I think it sounds like your approach is working - get curious about what it could be, and support him in continuing to go. Wonder if you could mention to nursery staff that he has mentioned he plays by himself, just so they can maybe nudge him into playing with others (or nudge others into including him)?

I live about as far from Scotland as it's possible to be in England and I've been corrected multiple times already, thanks! No need to be rude :)

I wasn’t rude. I just pointed out you were confident yet incorrect. I recommend that when you mean England, you say England, rather than the UK, and then you won’t interpret people correcting you as rude. I don’t know what distance has got to do with it. There’s a bit of sea in between me and England but I wouldn’t presume schools start and finish at the same time as they do in this bit of the UK.

I don’t know if this helps at all but we put our son into nursery when he was 1. He only did 1 day a week and then we put him up to 2 days at 2. He enjoyed it while he was there but it was a struggle getting him to go. we found a lot of the reason was because he was tired, it was an early start for him and just being in a nursery setting is exhausting for them.
This year (3) we moved him to a nursery at a school, he loves it! The main reason is the ages thing which you’ve mentioned. At his previous nursery he was 2yo and playing with 1-5yo’s. He could communicate with them very well or play the way they did and it meant he had no solid friends and felt left out. Now that he’s in a class of all same age children he loves it as they’re all developmentally at the same stage, more or less.
Some days he still tells me he doesn’t want to go, he does 4 days now 8-3. I asked why and it’s partly because his younger brother gets to stay at home and he’s worried we’re doing fun things without him, I assured him we’re not (🤫)