Should my MIL grow up or am I insensitive?

[birthdayboyy]

NC for this. My DS is going to be 1 in July and we’re planning a little party for him. DP’s parents are divorced and his father re-married his ‘other woman.’ They have been married for 15 years and together for 20.
My MIL refuses to be around her ex husband’s new wife (understandably, it was all quite acrimonious at the time). For example if my FIL wants to visit to see our DS he will not come on a day he knows my MIL will be here as the two women being in the same room together, and this has never happened.
It’s been like this for years but now we have a child it’s all a bit awkward. I want to invite my DP’s stepmother to our child’s little birthday party. It seems unkind not to as she is a presence in his life.
I don’t want to upset my MIL or make her feel uncomfortable, but since having a child my outlook on various things has changed/I’m willing to stand up for myself a bit more and part of my thinks - this isn’t about you, suck it up. However I don’t want any bad atmosphere to ruin my little boy’s day.
MIL isn’t one to bite her tongue which won’t help things.
DP says he’d rather his step mother didn’t come so I think I should respect his feelings on this and choose my battles, but it all seems unfair to me.
I understand that he doesn’t want to upset his mum and I don’t either, we have a good relationship and I wouldn’t want her to feel upset.
For context it would be a small party as my entire family live on the other side of the country, so we’re planning on doing something separate with them.

Am I being unfair?

Such certainty that you speak for everyone, with the voice of reason. In the teeth of evidence on this thread alone that many women are triggered by events 20 years ago and the emotional toll it took on them.

Nobody has to suck anything up. They don't have to forgive or forget anything. Their feelings are completely valid, but for the few hours they are not what is important and have to be put to one side for someone else, usually another family member. That's all. If you can not do that after 20 years you need to find out why. It's punishing the family member, usually children, for prioritising your feelings. What about their feelings.
The relationship broke down. He found happiness with another partner. She is now a part of his life long term.

It's misogyny. So much easier to blame the other woman than the husband/father. That's why there's a rich history of calling women things like floozy, home-wrecker, etc.

there’s a major difference between having to suck it up and be at a party with 20 people and having to suck it up and be sat in a room with just them and the birthday boy.

and I don’t think it’s misogyny - I think it’s the circumstance. The exh was the person you loved most at one point and you have kids with - it can be very hard to untangle your feelings and you ultimately have to come to terms with seeing them. You don’t have to see the affair partner. Nowhere is it suggested the mil hates the step but has forgiven her exh.

in the instance we are hearing the affair partner is a woman - in the situation in my family it’s the other way around and the male affair partner is treated the same.

a lot of the hatred towards the affair partner also stems from their treatment of the kids - no abuse but not great. It’s clear from what op said that the father was not great and her do has a difficult relationship with him - less clear what his relationship with smil is like.

in my DH case he feels no familial relationship with his steps so doesn’t really want them seen as grandparents

I never said I speak for everyone.
OK. Adults who can not deal with feelings from events 20 years ago to be in a room with another adult, are more important than the feelings of their grandchildren. It's always about the adult feelings, isn't it. Always justifying things because of how adults feel, how adult relationships worked out shaping events 20 years later. Triggered 20 years later. Always focus on how their resentment, feelings of being treated badly, injustice, how bad was it for me, that's the defining emotions in families for children who weren't even born, or children who were born.

To answer the AIBU
Yes your MIL should grow up.

What if the ex you're asking the MIL to.play nice with raped and DV- hospitalised her 20 years ago?

20 yrs is a long time but none of us knows what went down and happened in the following years.
That she gets on fine with her ex DP suggests she has moved on with him.

I watched one of my v good friends host her 1st daughters b day party and this exact scenario played out - except the GM and GF turned up and the step GM. The GM ( who I knew) had to bite her tongue and was subject to a constant drip feed of mutual family friends coming over and saying how wonderful her EX and the OW were together and the marriage was the right thing for everyone and wasn't she happy for them. Even the OW came up, smiling brightly and said - see you were never meant to be here. It was awful. ( 24yrs after the event)

Another friend with her 3 siblings and I, went to their fathers funeral and the second family monopolised the whole thing.At the wake, the 4 of them were subjected to comments like - at least he was happy with the second family, it made up for the trauma of his first marriage - one of the second family children actually came up to my friend and said - you do know he believed you all hated him and he took that to his grave. He did not and she knew that but how vile can you get after what was 30 years.

In your case OP - respect what your DP wants. You and he do not know the full story

Dear God - that first example! I hope your friend saw what was happening and made sure to protect her mum after that.⁰

Sometimes people grow apart and marriages end. Too bad your mil hasn’t moved on. After all, success is the best revenge. Speak to your husband about long term plans. How are you going to navigate family events moving forward? Perhaps have mom, dad, and sm over for lunch and work on a peace agreement between the parties. I do agree with others that you have to follow your husband’s lead when it comes to his family. Doesn’t mean you can’t share your thoughts.

I think you are being insensitive this is her first grandchild and she is expected to share his first birthday with the woman who took her husband. ! I don’t think so. Have a heart

Respect your partners position and back him up. As you would expect him to do this for you if the ML was interfering.

It won’t end. Just be thankful that your child’s grandparents can coexist for family occasions - it could be that you had to do two sets of events or alternate to
accomodate them both. I don’t think it’s fair to lay blame with your MIL - I would not blame her one bit for not wanting to be in a room with the woman she believes to have ruined her marriage no matter how long it had been. The blame is with your FIL and not doing things properly and ending the marriage before starting a new relationship.

I wouldn't force them together. There is a similar long standing step mom won't be around mom situation in our family, and although it isn't rational or fair, it is real for the person in question. Can't imagine if cheating was involved too.

It sounds like you’re thinking very carefully and sensitively about everyone’s feelings, not easy with so much swirling around and unspoken, by the sounds of it.
Your MIL seems to blame the OW for everything concerning the breakdown of her marriage, but that’s simplistic and unrealistic. It takes two. It’s like she has split them in her mind into the OW being all bad and her ex-husband as being the good one, and herself as the victim (I don’t mean that nastily, just that it’s as if it happened TO her and she had nothing to do with it, but apparently their relationship wasn’t doing that well in fact).
I wondered if when the birthday party has passed you could have a chat with your MIL about how this situation is for you and how difficult it’s probably going to be for all concerned as your son gets older? Coming from a place of acknowledgment of how painful it is, but gently letting her know that her stance does impact on everyone. Might she consider therapy? Or family therapy?
She clearly hasn’t got over the hurt and it must be colouring her life. A bit of a miserable way to live really, so many years later. While she is focusing on and blaming the OW she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her own part in her relationship with her then husband breaking down.

Glad to see you're planning to stay out of it OP, think that's the right call. Incidentally I don't really understand why you would have considered pushing it because it was sad for DS not to have everyone together when your family won't even be there. It's different for something like a wedding or a fancy big birthday where all family and friends will be there, but if it is just your DH's side of the family anyway then I wouldn't cause upset over it. I totally empathise with this challenge but as you say these things are highly emotive and best leaving the decision to those most affected (DH). Hope LO has a lovely birthday!

I mean it's been more than 15 years. I get that it's not going to all cupcakes and rainbows and I would still be pissed off but for the sake of a grandchild I would just get on with it.

I'm the OW and although I've been with my partner for over a decade, I would not expect to be invited to any of the children's events. They are all adults now and I've no relationship with them because neither they nor I were bothered about developing one. They like having their dad rock up at any events on his own because it makes them and their mother less stressed than if I went too.

Im not being selfless here! I'm happy because I have no interest in being part of their lives, or the lives of any children they might pop,out. One partner of one of the kids once tried to involve me in his 21st a few years ago but that was soon shut down by my partner and his ex, who totally flipped out.

Just because you have a child now it doesn't mean that everyone else's lives, grudges or anything needs to change. It is really arrogant to think that your child is, as the poster above put it, some kind of messiah.

It's tough OP, navigating this kind of stuff.

At my recent birthday I had to decide which of two close friends to invite. One cheated with the other's boyfriend when we all were early twenties. They are both now happily married with kids (nearly 20 years on) but STILL can't be in the same room.

Obviously your MIL and FIL situation is more complicated, especially with your DP involved, but I guess sometimes people just can't leave hurt in the past, which is their perogative.

Doesn't make it easier though! Just follow DP's lead on this.

OP - I cannot believe people think you’re being UR!!!
Whilst I am sure that your MIL is hurt by what happened between her and your FIL - that happened a LONG time ago and she’s had plenty of time to get used to it.
If she can’t put aside her problems for the sake of her grandchild; that’s her issue and not your problem to solve.

But they’re not though are they. The MIL is genetically connected to the OP’s DS. For all that the FIL and Step MIL may have had a longer marriage than FIL and MIL, but the blood relation supercedes a longer marriage.

Having said that, MIL should grow up after 20 years.

if it was your mother, and your father cheated on your mum would you want the stepmum there?

In an ideal world everyone would get along for the children’s sake but it isn’t black and white and your husband wants his own mother there so you have to go with that on this one.

Shane for you and the little one but he won’t know the difference yet . When he’s older he’s gonna have take priority though I’d say.

Invite your MIL, tell her the step-mum will be there and it is up to her whether she attends.
When our DGS was born I decided it was time to forget the acrimony of ex H
for the sake of family parties. When DS got married again recently ex H was incredibly hurtful towards me in a speech he made - as if I was a complete outsider, which has ruined all of my goodwill.

Could you take MIL with you to your family's party?

Why does your partner's feelings not make the decision for you? He doesn't want his "Stepmother" there