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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell anyone if I get early retirement (primary teacher)

71 replies

InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 17:40

I’m hoping to get early retirement, I’m 57 and I’ve been in the same school since I started teaching over 30 years ago.

I’m off work with a broken arm just now and I have a number of other health issues.

I really, really HATE being the centre of attention and I’ve put on a huge amount of weight since I’ve been at home; I feel extremely self-conscious. Although I have just started a diet.

Normally, when someone retires, we have an assembly for them. I’ve always really enjoyed them in the past.

We also have a staff presentation with the retiree being given flowers and gifts etc. Again, all very enjoyable and can be quite emotional.

We also have a night out and I’ve been to most of them. Great nights.

However, I do not want this for myself. In any shape, size or form.

I was hoping to tell no-one except the HT and anyone else who would need to know. I was really hoping that I could just leave on my last day without anyone knowing.

I get on well with my colleagues and I love all
the children. I have also contributed to many leaving gifts and nights out over the years, some of which were extremely expensive.

I know that many of the children and parents would miss me, and vice versa. I just really do not want to be the focus of any sort of attention at all.

I am by no means shy or quiet and I do love chatting to all and sundry. I’m not some weird misfit 😂
If I’m honest, I think being really overweight is a major factor in wanting to avoid anything as I can’t bear anyone taking pics etc of me.

AIBU to leave without a word (as far as possible) or should I go along with what usually happens?
My DD thinks that it would be a shame for me just to leave without any of the kids knowing, as I’ve basically taught all of them.

(I’m not interested in a gift etc. If I want something, I’ll buy it for myself.)

OP posts:
ALunchbox · 18/04/2024 17:44

I understand where you are coming from as I hate these things. At my workplace, a few colleagues shared the same sentiment before. On these occasions, we obliged and only did a collection and card. No leaving party/drinks or whatever. I thought it was a happy medium. It's a way of saying goodbye and acknowledging that you mattered without putting you on the spot. It always avoids colleagues asking themselves what they did wrong if colleague left without a word.

ALunchbox · 18/04/2024 17:44

*also, not always

SummerFeverVenice · 18/04/2024 17:45

YANBU to want to trim it down as that is a lot of retirement events. I would not cut all of it out, perhaps pick one? The assembly would be my choice and then skip the rest.

SirenSays · 18/04/2024 17:47

I think you'd regret doing nothing at all.

MaryGreenhill · 18/04/2024 17:49

Trouble is OP will you live to regret your decision?
I wish you all the best for your retirement & hope you are on the mend very soon Flowers

Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 17:52

SummerFeverVenice · 18/04/2024 17:45

YANBU to want to trim it down as that is a lot of retirement events. I would not cut all of it out, perhaps pick one? The assembly would be my choice and then skip the rest.

The assembly would probably be the worst tbh.

The children usually sing a song that’s been adapted and they read out memories about you etc. It’s all lovely when it’s someone else but they usually sit in tears as they feel emotional. (Happy tears)

And they present you with flowers and a gift from the children.

edited: it might sound like a lot but it’s just really a presentation from the children, low-key tea with the staff then a “proper” night out.

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 18/04/2024 17:52

I think you should do the assembly - when you work with children and with lots of other people, it's not just about you anymore, and I think it would be kind to give your colleagues and students a chance to say goodbye.

I would opt out of the night out and presentation though, if that's not your thing.

Haydenn · 18/04/2024 17:53

I think it’s up to you, but you sound like a much loved teacher and I doubt anyone else thinks about your weight or appearance, you’ll just be taking away their opportunity to say thank you and goodbye

SummerFeverVenice · 18/04/2024 17:53

InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 17:52

The assembly would probably be the worst tbh.

The children usually sing a song that’s been adapted and they read out memories about you etc. It’s all lovely when it’s someone else but they usually sit in tears as they feel emotional. (Happy tears)

And they present you with flowers and a gift from the children.

edited: it might sound like a lot but it’s just really a presentation from the children, low-key tea with the staff then a “proper” night out.

Edited
Show quote history

Could they just add you into the usual leaver’s assembly? Instead of a special one?

Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 17:55

ALunchbox · 18/04/2024 17:44

I understand where you are coming from as I hate these things. At my workplace, a few colleagues shared the same sentiment before. On these occasions, we obliged and only did a collection and card. No leaving party/drinks or whatever. I thought it was a happy medium. It's a way of saying goodbye and acknowledging that you mattered without putting you on the spot. It always avoids colleagues asking themselves what they did wrong if colleague left without a word.

Thank you for replying.
I wouldn’t want a collection although a card would be nice, I suppose.

I don’t think anyone would think that they’d done anything wrong; I’ve said a few times that I couldn’t cope with it.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 18/04/2024 17:55

Surely if you make it clear you don’t want a fuss they’ll respect your wishes? I worked in a school that traditionally made a fuss with songs, gifts etc in an assembly for leaving staff. One time the guy was leaving in very sad circumstances and asked for no fuss, so when it was his turn they just said he was leaving and would be missed and then moved on to the next person. He didn’t go up the front or anything.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/04/2024 17:56

I left my school after being there 27 years. I was off sick with WRS but was 60 so it didn't count as Early Retirement but there was so much bad feeling I left 5 months earlier than I should have done and couldn't bear to go back for any of the usual retirement stuff. I had a meal out with colleagues who were friends but the thing that upsets me the most is being robbed of my proper send off.

I think you should reconsider it if you possibly can.

Barkybarkynutnut · 18/04/2024 17:56

Don’t just sidle out. You have given so much over the years, I bet. Let people spoil you one last time. No one will care about your weight! On a serious note it is very important for you to have a proper good bye. Endings are important. It doesn’t have to be grand. Speak to you Head about it. Whatever you decide, enjoy it x

neverbeenskiing · 18/04/2024 17:58

Please don't underestimate the impact on some of the more vulnerable children of finding out that a trusted adult has left without saying goodbye. YANBU to not want a big fuss though. I would simply tell LT that you do not want a special assembly, speeches or a night out. They should respect your wishes.

Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 17:58

SirenSays · 18/04/2024 17:47

I think you'd regret doing nothing at all.

That’s a possibility. I do really care about the children very much.
And I am fond of all my colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 18:00

SummerFeverVenice · 18/04/2024 17:53

Could they just add you into the usual leaver’s assembly? Instead of a special one?

Show quote history

That wouldn’t really be possible because we don’t really have an end of term assembly.

If you mean a leavers’ assembly for the pupils going to high school, we normally invite parents to that.

So that would be worse 😂

OP posts:
Haydenn · 18/04/2024 18:01

Can you say that you don’t like fuss but could the organise a leavers book for you with notes from everyone. So you still get the sentiments and they can still feel like they’ve thanked you- but you don’t have to be watched?

Downplayit · 18/04/2024 18:01

Ah it's sad to think that you wouldn't want to celebrate 30 years of a teaching career because of some extra weight (although i know it can hugely affect confidence). I've felt similar when leaving a previous job where I had been for a long time. I didn't want a leaving event, as I hate attention, but got one anyway and I was so glad. It marks a change more than anything and it's very important. Colleagues will want to contribute something but maybe ask for a charity pot to be set up for something you support. Good luck and hope you let yourself be celebrated and thanked! You deserve it.

Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 18:03

MaryGreenhill · 18/04/2024 17:49

Trouble is OP will you live to regret your decision?
I wish you all the best for your retirement & hope you are on the mend very soon Flowers

It’s a difficult one to answer, tbh.

Thank you for your kind words. I will only get early retirement if it represents a saving for that authority.

I’m trying to take better care of myself now.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 18:07

modgepodge · 18/04/2024 17:55

Surely if you make it clear you don’t want a fuss they’ll respect your wishes? I worked in a school that traditionally made a fuss with songs, gifts etc in an assembly for leaving staff. One time the guy was leaving in very sad circumstances and asked for no fuss, so when it was his turn they just said he was leaving and would be missed and then moved on to the next person. He didn’t go up the front or anything.

They kinda just do it anyway 😂
We’ve only really had people retire under “normal” circumstances.

The general consensus seems to be, Oh we need to do SOMETHING! We can’t have them
just leaving.

It’s nice that people want to celebrate/acknowledge a colleague’s contribution.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 18:10

neverbeenskiing · 18/04/2024 17:58

Please don't underestimate the impact on some of the more vulnerable children of finding out that a trusted adult has left without saying goodbye. YANBU to not want a big fuss though. I would simply tell LT that you do not want a special assembly, speeches or a night out. They should respect your wishes.

This is actually making me cry tbh.
I do have a special bond with many children there.

OP posts:
Dbirk · 18/04/2024 18:12

Oh this is terribly sad. Who cares if you've packed on the pounds - don't rob yourself of a proper retirement. They all love you for who you not what you look like.

ohsohopeful · 18/04/2024 18:14

I'm a teacher and you would struggle to slip out unnoticed in my school, not least because we would need to recruit a replacement member of staff before anyone left so SLT would all know!
We've had a few staff members organise their own 'do's' when they've wanted more control over what happens - could this be an option? Low key tea and cakes in the staff room in lieu of a staff meeting? Maybe ask your head to email round saying 'x really doesn't want a fuss and will be arranging something so that she can say a proper goodbye. I have told her we will respect this so please do not organise anything yourselves'? I'm sure they will still want to do a card and a collection but if they know you want low key then hopefully they can just leave them on your desk?! Wishful thinking maybe! Wishing you a happy retirement when it comes 😊

Original poster
InsolentNoise · 18/04/2024 18:21

I am actually crying here at all these lovely replies.

My mum was a teacher for many years and I made her keep all the cards she got (about 100) so that her grandchildren would read them and know how loved she was.

I do have a very good relationship with all the pupils and a particularly close bond with some. I am a very caring, empathetic person and I’ve always tried to listen and be fair.

The children know me as someone who will always listen and apologise if I’m wrong. I’m affectionate and loving with them and I don’t mind making myself look a bit daft for the older ones.

I need to go and sort some stuff just now but I will come back when I can.

Thank you so much for the replies.

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves5 · 18/04/2024 18:21

Can you come up with some options that you would be comfortable with. So no assembly but you can go into the classes you’ve taught individually to say goodbye and let them give you a card..but no songs or speeches!

Then maybe a dinner with the teachers at the end of term but say you don’t want it a presentation or to be the centre of attention!