To not tell anyone if I get early retirement (primary teacher)

[InsolentNoise]

I’m hoping to get early retirement, I’m 57 and I’ve been in the same school since I started teaching over 30 years ago.

I’m off work with a broken arm just now and I have a number of other health issues.

I really, really HATE being the centre of attention and I’ve put on a huge amount of weight since I’ve been at home; I feel extremely self-conscious. Although I have just started a diet.

Normally, when someone retires, we have an assembly for them. I’ve always really enjoyed them in the past.

We also have a staff presentation with the retiree being given flowers and gifts etc. Again, all very enjoyable and can be quite emotional.

We also have a night out and I’ve been to most of them. Great nights.

However, I do not want this for myself. In any shape, size or form.

I was hoping to tell no-one except the HT and anyone else who would need to know. I was really hoping that I could just leave on my last day without anyone knowing.

I get on well with my colleagues and I love all
the children. I have also contributed to many leaving gifts and nights out over the years, some of which were extremely expensive.

I know that many of the children and parents would miss me, and vice versa. I just really do not want to be the focus of any sort of attention at all.

I am by no means shy or quiet and I do love chatting to all and sundry. I’m not some weird misfit 😂
If I’m honest, I think being really overweight is a major factor in wanting to avoid anything as I can’t bear anyone taking pics etc of me.

AIBU to leave without a word (as far as possible) or should I go along with what usually happens?
My DD thinks that it would be a shame for me just to leave without any of the kids knowing, as I’ve basically taught all of them.

(I’m not interested in a gift etc. If I want something, I’ll buy it for myself.)

Unfortunately, I have a HUGE amount to lose. I am not exaggerating. I’d need to lose an absolute minimum of 4st.
I am very good at losing weight when I put my mind to it.

I think you should tell colleagues and parents and pupils but it’s perfectly reasonable to ask to go quietly and not have any fuss etc.

@InsolentNoise I know that in my case, it will only happen if it represents a saving for the council.

With all your time at the same school, wouldn’t that be very likely if they replace you with someone relatively new to teaching?

I’ve really struggled to find anything flattering for ages now. I feel as though I have a massive shelf in front of me ( huge boobs)

I have arthritis in my knee which gives me an awkward gait, as well as being bloody painful 🤦‍♀️😂
So it’s a struggle to look in any way elegant.

I have high blood pressure (jeez, it just gets better and better, doesn’t it!) and I seem to be retaining a lot of fluid on my face, so it’s very puffy.

I’ve been heavy before (not as bad as this) and I always managed to have a nice face with makeup and I have long, blonde hair (bleached!) So I could disguise my weight quite well.
I do have great skin with very few lines.

Ah, I don’t know! I’ll probably not get it 😂
Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I retired last year (at 55) having taught in my school for 30 years too. I had the loveliest send off and will treasure the memory of it forever. Yes, I felt a bit self conscious at times and I, like you, don't like any fuss but, looking back I wouldn't have had it any other way.
It was a rite of passage which prepared me for the next chapter. I still feel emotional when I think of it but it made me feel so loved and valued.

The contribution you've made to your school will be immeasurable-don't underestimate that. I hope it all works out for you.

The weight gain hasn’t happened overnight, so children, staff and parents will be used to you the way you are.

It would be a shame to miss out on anything you’d like done to celebrate your early retirement, but if you’re not keen on any fuss then just leaving quietly will be fine.

You see the children for a few hours a week and they’ll adapt really quickly, so how you feel is more important.

Can I ask how long have you been off work op.

it’s hard to understand as it reads you’re off with a broken arm and were slim until then, and are now 4 stone over weight. That would be a few weeks?

how long have you been off and how much have you gained since then? Is it feasinle they have all seen you overweight?

I just think it’s a real shame to miss out due to concerns over your appearance. You’ve obviously had a long career in one place and a proper send off would be a lovely end to that, something to remember, and slinking away due to not being happy with how you look would be very sad.

Teachers are such a special part of childhood and when you have a teacher like you who has been part of school community for so long, that deserves to be recognised.

As previous posters have said, goodbyes are just as much for those staying as the ones leaving. a way it's one last lesson for the children - how endings are sad, but gives a chance to reflect on the achievements and the highlights of your time together and also celebrate your new beginning!

I say meet the whole thing halfway. Start losing the weight, look for a flattering outfit/haircut and maybe ask that there's just one nice group picture perhaps. Also could you ask that you're able to stay seated - particularly if you've been off with an injury?

I always comfort myself by thinking that people really will be thinking far less about these things than me and in this case they'll be focussed on how best to celebrate you and the fact that it's the end of an era x

I could have written this! Yes slip away. The thought of being the centre of attention or getting a gift fills me with horror.

Is this solely about how you feel about yourself?

long term I would look at that. You sound lovely and yet full of self loathing for how you look. This is so terribly sad and is affecting your life

I would have her send offs - you are a much loved teacher. Then leave and focus on self care

My little boy would be so sad if he didn't get to say goodbye to his teacher x I think it's easy to forget what a massive part you play/have played in their lives.

If you genuinely inherently hated such things fair enough, but you said you find them emotional and enjoyable, and you also are really sociable, and enjoyed the big welcome back they threw for you previously...

It sounds more like chronically low self esteem at the moment rather than an inherent dislike of the idea. It sounds like you would love the idea if you were "thin" enough, and secretly wish you were! Or if there were no cameras (surely you can always just pick those you like to keep, and also untag yourself from unflattering pics on social media if that's a concern in any way?)

You might find having this day to look back on after decades, for the next few decades during your retirement, is precious to you. It might be helpful to reframe it: have you ever critiqued someone's appearance in your head or thought "geez what a fatty" at their retirement celebration? You said you found those emotional so surely you were focusing on other aspects like all the emotional bonds and service they'd left behind.

Is it really photos that are making you anxious? Perhaps the head could let all the staff know that you would be very uncomfortable with photos on social media and ask them not to post anything.

If they want a photo for the newsletter they could surround you with children so only your face is visible or just have a photo of the children holding up leaving cards they've made.

Why should she not know herself better than you, a stranger, thinks she does? When I retired I didn't even go into the staffroom for the usual end of term drinks and almost twenty years on I have never regretted it! Interest being the centre of attention, I'm sure there's been a word invented for it, I avoid it at all costs.

But she doesn’t. She said she enjoys it, it is her appearance that makes her not want to go. She isn’t uou. The thread isn’t about you. It’s about her and what she’s saying.

What rubbish! MN always trumpets 'my choice', e.g. my house, my choice, this is totally the OP's choice and no-one should try emotional blackmail to bully her into changing her mind! That assembly sounds like he'll to me.

I know people who truly hate attention (and would even if they were in a Hollywood star's body). I also know people who truly hate cheesy stuff. I'm somewhere in between.

But as said above, OP said she usually finds such events "emotional" and "enjoyable". She's also really sociable, "loves chatting to all and sundry", also says otherwise she would be a "weird misfit" which is not how shy/attention avoidant people think! She also loved the big welcome back they threw for her previously. She sounds way more of a social butterfly and big event (especially in her honour) lover than I am!

All in all this is prob more about her weight than her inner preferences.

I had to take ill health retirement last May, age 55. I'd already been off for 11 months. I'd also put on lots of weight while I was off. I'm very self conscious & don't like a fuss.

The Head & deputy acknowledged I don't like being the centre of attention, but thought it would be a shame to do nothing after teaching there 22 years.

In the end I had a whole school assembly, there are over 600 kids in our school. I was sat at the front & had the memories read out & the song, each class presented me with a class card & there was a gift from all of the children. This was followed by afternoon tea in the staffroom with past & present staff, a speech from the Head & more gifts.

I actually really enjoyed it all. I have lovely memories of my last official day there, & I'm glad I was persuaded to celebrate.

I took my daughter with me, she was 14 then & it was her primary school. I bought a nice new top, & tried very hard not to care what I looked like.

I think, after such a long career you deserve a good send off, & you may regret it if you do nothing.

I feel you are being relatively forceful too, about trying to insist OP has the same personality as you...

Thank you for all your replies. I will update later and try to respond to the many valid points made.

I am really grateful for all the replies and I actually feel quite tearful right now that so many people have taken the time to reply.
I guess that says a lot about my mental state, doesn’t it 🤦‍♀️

I know that I’m a well-loved teacher and many of my past pupils (a lot of them are parents themselves now.) have told me that I was their favourite teacher/how fond of me they were.