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Original poster

To give my SIL the heads up that DD is unwell before her big wedding

67 replies

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 18/04/2024 12:38

Basically that, my DD5 is the flower girl for my SIL’s wedding, the other flower girls are younger and follow her lead… and my SIL has also organised for her to hold a sign.. read a little poem etc. There have been quite a few rehearsals!!

The wedding is Saturday and no expense has been spared but DD is not well, she was sent home from school on Monday with no obvious symptoms, but went down quickly, this morning we’ve been to the doctors and she had a double ear infection, high temp, potential sinus infection and a nasty cough, she’s exhausted and sleeping most of the day.

MIL and DH have both said I cannot tell SIL that DD is unwell, as she is very stressed this week, but part of me thinks it’s best to give her the heads up? I am due to go to a pre wedding brunch tomorrow morning, but will have to cancel due to looking after DD, so I tell her DD is unwell or I have to make up a worthy excuse to be missing it.

OP posts:
BloodsOk · 18/04/2024 12:40

Cancelling the brunch now might be a good way of breaking the news gently. Hope your girl feels better soon.

FionnulaTheCooler · 18/04/2024 12:40

Surely it's better that you tell her now and give her time to process it than leave it and let her find out on her wedding day if DD is too unwell to attend?

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/04/2024 12:40

You either tell her in advance or she wonders where you and your daughter are at the wedding. I'd tell her.

towhomitmayconcern · 18/04/2024 12:40

I'd tell her. Imagine how stressed she'll be if you pull out on the actual day. If you think theres a chance your daughter might be well enough by the wedding then tell her that too.

BuyOrBake · 18/04/2024 12:40

What difference will it make by telling her now rather than in 24hrs.

Wait and see how dd is tomorrow .

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/04/2024 12:41

Surely its best not to surprise her with any potential changes on the day of the wedding! Saying that often antibiotics kick in very quickly so she might be fine. If it was me, I'd much rather have advance warning and make a contingency plan in advance

FunLurker · 18/04/2024 12:42

I'd be honest but also add that since it's only Wednesday and this started Monday you expect DD to be a lot better by Saturday. Don't push dd though if she's not able to read a poem not end of world.

Restinggoddess · 18/04/2024 12:44

Giver her the heads up re DD - and an indication that you will know if she’s better by X point in the week
Kids do recover but the bride needs time to think through any changes

JaneGrint · 18/04/2024 12:45

I’d absolutely give her a heads up.

Hopefully your DD will be feeling much better by the weekend, kids can bounce back from things very quickly - but given that there’s a chance that DD will still poorly on the wedding day, it’s best for your SIL to know now so that she’s got time to figure out some backup plans.

Peonies12 · 18/04/2024 12:46

Definitely tell in advance, better she can be prepared for DD not being there.

paulwellerisinthebuilding · 18/04/2024 12:47

I'd drop a lighthearted message. Saying you've been straight into it and have antibiotics, loading with Calpol, rest and fluids and you're doing everything you can for Saturday. Say you're hoping she'll be able to manage the important part at least but that she may drop after the ceremony. There's a good chance she'll be able to manage the hour or so that is required of her with well timed Calpol and rest. 🤞

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2024 12:51

I’d definitely tell her, maybe she can at least plan for an older cousin / friend’s older daughter etc, to ‘guide’ the flower girls in case your DD isn’t there. One with an age gap old enough to understand why they aren’t flower girls themselves and are stepping in to support in case because it’s a nice thing to, and will understand if not needed, all that, and also won’t matter what they’re wearing. Then if your DD turns out to be able, amazing, if not she isn’t left with a bunch of lost toddler flower girls !

Whateveer · 18/04/2024 12:53

Tell her, she's a grown up

PoochiesPinkEars · 18/04/2024 12:55

Mil and DH are being foolish.
We can all agree that it's bad news and bride isn't going to be thrilled to learn the situation... But it's bad news that will be infinitely more stressful the less notice she gets.

If you tell her gently it might throw a spanner in the works if the illness doesn't improve in time, but you will be giving her all the vitamin C and tlc she needs to make it if she can, then that's the best you can do under the circumstances.

She won't thank you for sitting on the information!

ginnybag · 18/04/2024 12:58

We had similar at a friend's wedding, with the added issue that we were (only) bridesmaid, best man and flower girl.

We got through it in the end with well-timed calpol and naps and a bit of luck, but if the kid's ill, the kid's ill and I wouldn't be pushing her in these circumstances. The bride is an adult; she'll have to understand.

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 12:58

FunLurker · 18/04/2024 12:42

I'd be honest but also add that since it's only Wednesday and this started Monday you expect DD to be a lot better by Saturday. Don't push dd though if she's not able to read a poem not end of world.

Is it Wednesday today? I've been in bed ill myself, but I thought I'd counted the days?

Arlanymor · 18/04/2024 13:01

JaneGrint · 18/04/2024 12:45

I’d absolutely give her a heads up.

Hopefully your DD will be feeling much better by the weekend, kids can bounce back from things very quickly - but given that there’s a chance that DD will still poorly on the wedding day, it’s best for your SIL to know now so that she’s got time to figure out some backup plans.

Exactly this, she has 48-ish hours to sort out some backup plans. Hopefully they won’t be needed, but much better to tell her now rather than hope that DD recovers in time. The more heads-up she has the better.

BIWI · 18/04/2024 13:03

Has your DD been prescribed antibiotics?

LardoBurrows · 18/04/2024 13:04

Fancybed · 18/04/2024 12:58

Is it Wednesday today? I've been in bed ill myself, but I thought I'd counted the days?

Show quote history

It's Thursday today.

BIossomtoes · 18/04/2024 13:05

Definitely give her the heads up then she can plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Wotchaz · 18/04/2024 13:06

What does your DD think? My 4 yo would be inconsolable to miss something like this and would rather be dosed up to do her “bits” and sleep in between than miss it. Is that an option?

Clarich007 · 18/04/2024 13:13

Another vote here for telling her, she's an adult things happen, but at least she can plan for it if she knows.
Hope your little one feels a lot better by Saturday.Good luck

Original poster
MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 18/04/2024 13:26

Thanks ladies, I do agree. I would rather know if it was me!

The irony is - she wanted an adult only wedding (which we were totally onboard with!) but she was guilt tripped by another family member! DD5 will be the oldest child at the wedding.

DH has said it’s his sister and he knows how badly she will freak out, she has fallen out with one of her bridesmaids over something so minor this week already. As much as I really like her, even minor inconveniences are world ending to her. He doesn’t think it’s worth the backlash and he would rather chance it with DD being ok for the wedding. DH has said if she finds out we didn’t tell her and she freaks, he will take the blame.

MIL has agreed with him, so I would be going against them both by telling her, and my MIL will be the first person she rings.

DD was not right and very emotional on Monday, and I kept her off school as a precaution on Tuesday, but it has only been in the last 24 hours that she has a high temp and crashed. She has had her first dose of antibiotics and I’ve been dosing her with paracetamol regularly. I had to wake her for her appointment this morning after being asleep for nearly 14 hours and she sobbed in the car that she was tired.

My younger DD will definitely be having a midday nap during the wedding day, and as I am pregnant I was intending on having one too, so DD5 could join us.

OP posts:
viques · 18/04/2024 13:32

I would warn her that dd is on antibiotics, explain that you are hoping for the best, you still want her to do the flower girl stuff, and are optimistic that 48 hours of ab and rest will see her through.

Explain that the worst case scenario is that she isn’t well enough in which case you will pull out, but that you are hoping that she will be well enough for wedding day duties and photos but that you might have to cut short the rest of the day if she flops.

Mermaidsarereal · 18/04/2024 13:34

I'd tell her, your daughter may pick up by Saturday but if she doesn't your SIL needs to know now so she can change her plans if needs he.