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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite stepmother

153 replies

HedgehogHighway · 17/04/2024 22:00

i don’t have a major issue with my stepmother but I’m not close to her and never have been. When we were kids there was never any effort to integrate us, ie no family days out or time spent together. I would visit my dad and my stepmother would be elsewhere, focusing on her children perhaps. Efforts weren’t made to be close to us at any point. Now for some reason, possibly because her children have grown up, moved away and are more distanced from her, there are attempts (by my dad) to integrate us. For example, she appeared unexpectedly at my sisters birthday meal recently when she has never previously come along to our birthday meals. We’ve never once been invited to my stepmothers birthday meal, assuming she has one. My dad formed a family unit with my stepmother and her children. Me and my sister would visit my dad, but weren’t integrated into a cohesive family unit.

I have recently moved to a new house with my partner and would like to invite my dad over to visit, and to stay for food. Would it be unreasonable to invite him and not my stepmother, as I would feel more comfortable with just my dad in my house?

If the tables were turned I would like my partner to come along with me to my dad’s house so I suspect I am being unreasonable. It was a lot easier when there was acceptance of distance, but recently my dad wants us to all be closer and wants to include her. I find my stepmother a bit judgy and not very chill to be around. So it makes me hesitant to invite my dad over as a consequence as my home is my safe place.

YABU - she is your father’s wife so you need to accept her presence when you invite your dad over for dinner.

YANBU - he’s your dad and it’s fair enough to request his presence without his wife needing to come along.

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 17/04/2024 22:03

You said you would want your husband there if the positions were reversed, so I said YABU

YaMuvva · 17/04/2024 22:07

There’s been a lot of anti stepchildren threads of MN lately with one even full is posters saying it’s fine if step parents have nothing to do with their step kids.

I am going to save this thread and post every time if I see any comments like that to show people what happens when you’re a shitty step parent

YANBU OP - and in fact I’d be inclined to not even invitee your dad. He enabled some very unkind behaviour from his wife and I would find it hard to come back from that. But even if you do want him there you are absolutely NOT obliged to invite to your home a woman you barely know who’s never made an effort with you. We are always telling women to assert their boundaries - this is your chance OP. Good luck to you!

Herefishiefishie · 17/04/2024 22:08

Yes I think you need to invite her. Regardless of the past. Your dad could of made much more effort to do stuff when you were younger and involve your step mum but he was obviously also happy with the separate set up.

It would be rude to not invite them, they are a couple.

Quitelikeit · 17/04/2024 22:12

You know what?!

Hell no - she wasn’t interested in knowing you in your most formative years so why on earth should she get to decide now that she will be involved?

If it was your wedding I’d say yes to keep the peace

Can you ask your Dad what is driving the change?

Quitelikeit · 17/04/2024 22:14

And also she had your father mostly to herself and her girls

And now all she is doing is showing she’s still No1 by rocking up!

malificent7 · 17/04/2024 22:15

I know it's hard but maybe just try to move on from the past; they are a couple. Is she judgy towards you?

GoodnightJude1 · 17/04/2024 22:17

It depends how close you are to your dad I guess….

I was close to my dad. My step mum was awful to me when I was younger so consequently I didn’t involve her in things when I left home. My dad sided with her…

He lives 10 mins away and I see him maybe once every few years. He has no relationship with my DC.

Tempnamechng · 17/04/2024 22:18

You reap what you sow; she made no effort when you were a child, you aren't obliged to make an effort as an adult. All she is to you is your dad's plus 1, so if you invite her do so for him, but don't invite her if you don't want her there.

Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 17/04/2024 22:19

@YaMuvva its interesting looking back for example my dad had family holidays with them that me and my sister weren’t invited to or really even aware of. It was explained to me that my grandparents were now also the grandparents of the step children. So they gained a full family but I of course never even met my stepmothers parents. I wasn’t invited to their wedding although I was living abroad at the time, teaching abroad after finishing uni, but they could have scheduled it differently if they wanted to include me. There is a house they lived in that I never saw as I was never invited over, this was when I was at uni. It was all kept separate but now we’re suddenly expected to come together. It does feel like I’m perhaps being driven by resentment at the past that I should acknowledge and come to terms with as what is done is done. But I’m not quite there yet. My earliest memory of my stepmother is of her and my dad snogging at length on the couch whilst I stayed on the computer on the other side of the room just absolutely mortified and horrified, they did that a few times. I felt really uncomfortable around them.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 17/04/2024 22:20

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

Why don't you 'spontaneously' turn one of those times into an 'actually why don't you just come here for lunch'. If it is not set up as a big meal, see the new house event she / he might not be so put out that you haven't invited her.

Original poster
HedgehogHighway · 17/04/2024 22:22

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 17/04/2024 22:20

fwiw I do also see my dad separately, for example we will go for a coffee or quick lunch once a month.

Why don't you 'spontaneously' turn one of those times into an 'actually why don't you just come here for lunch'. If it is not set up as a big meal, see the new house event she / he might not be so put out that you haven't invited her.

That’s a really good idea, I didn’t think of that

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 17/04/2024 22:31

You only owe her the kindness and consideration she showed you in her home.

You don’t have to be the bigger person, take the high road, keep the peace or follow any of the other god awful advice adults use to encourage SC to accept shitty behaviour from adults.

As a child you are at the mercy of everybody else, as an adult you can set your boundaries too.

if you don’t want here there, explain to Dad that you never got to know one another and feel the time has passed now. You reap what you sow.

Illpickthatup · 17/04/2024 22:40

HedgehogHighway · 17/04/2024 22:19

@YaMuvva its interesting looking back for example my dad had family holidays with them that me and my sister weren’t invited to or really even aware of. It was explained to me that my grandparents were now also the grandparents of the step children. So they gained a full family but I of course never even met my stepmothers parents. I wasn’t invited to their wedding although I was living abroad at the time, teaching abroad after finishing uni, but they could have scheduled it differently if they wanted to include me. There is a house they lived in that I never saw as I was never invited over, this was when I was at uni. It was all kept separate but now we’re suddenly expected to come together. It does feel like I’m perhaps being driven by resentment at the past that I should acknowledge and come to terms with as what is done is done. But I’m not quite there yet. My earliest memory of my stepmother is of her and my dad snogging at length on the couch whilst I stayed on the computer on the other side of the room just absolutely mortified and horrified, they did that a few times. I felt really uncomfortable around them.

I think you have to invite both or neither. I think it's s hypocritical to not invite your SM because she didn't make any effort to integrate you into the family unit when your dad is guilty of exactly the same thing. Only your dad had a responsibility to you, you SM didn't. I would have more of an issue with him rather than her to be honest.

PurpleBugz · 17/04/2024 22:46

I think you need to consider the effect on your relationship with your dad if you exclude her. And make your decision based on your feelings on that.

I think personally I'd judge her on how she treats you now not how active a role she took in your parenting when you were as a child. If she's still rude and aloof and you don't want that in your house then that's grounds enough to exclude her.

I took a step back from step parenting and did tend to go out with my own children and avoid the step children as much as I could politely do. Lucky for me the gaps in ages made for a good excuse as the children all wanted to do different things. Step mothers are not replacement mothers and too frequently we get all the domestic duties of parenting dumped on us without any decision making power or acknowledgment of what we do. The dads get the credit for being such good dads when it was dads wife who shopped cooked cleaned washing did some school runs and never got a thank you let alone a "you are such a good step mum". My step kids of course don't know how lazy their dad is. My own children dislike their step mum but from what they say she's doing all the parenting while their dad takes the credit. He literally sleeps late let's his gf get up with the kids, takes them to nanny to look after while he games all day, takes them out for fun outings but actually parenting he doesn't do. My kids don't see it and it would be cruel to point it out. Kids just don't see this side of things. Are you sure she was as bad as you remember?

If she was then absolutely cut her out. Just do so knowing your dad will be in a difficult situation and if she was as bad as you say you already know he puts her before you

lovemycbf · 17/04/2024 22:57

Yes yabu you need to include her and put differences aside for your Dad and to not hurt him or make it awkward for him explaining to her she's not invited
Sometimes we all have to just do these things for family harmony

Herefishiefishie · 17/04/2024 23:08

HedgehogHighway · 17/04/2024 22:19

@YaMuvva its interesting looking back for example my dad had family holidays with them that me and my sister weren’t invited to or really even aware of. It was explained to me that my grandparents were now also the grandparents of the step children. So they gained a full family but I of course never even met my stepmothers parents. I wasn’t invited to their wedding although I was living abroad at the time, teaching abroad after finishing uni, but they could have scheduled it differently if they wanted to include me. There is a house they lived in that I never saw as I was never invited over, this was when I was at uni. It was all kept separate but now we’re suddenly expected to come together. It does feel like I’m perhaps being driven by resentment at the past that I should acknowledge and come to terms with as what is done is done. But I’m not quite there yet. My earliest memory of my stepmother is of her and my dad snogging at length on the couch whilst I stayed on the computer on the other side of the room just absolutely mortified and horrified, they did that a few times. I felt really uncomfortable around them.

I can’t see how any of that was her fault.

Your dad is at fault here. Why was he kissing her on the sofa ?
Why didn’t the invite you to the wedding.
Why didn’t he invite you to the house you never saw.

Your dad is the one who you should be mad at. He was clearly happy at the set up also.

PixieLaLar · 17/04/2024 23:14

Sorry but YABU it sounds like you want to only invite your Dad to make some sort of point and it would be immature.

danitheastrologer · 18/04/2024 00:02

You should have an honest conversation with your dad. Tell him
How you felt when you was younger and get it off your chest. Sounds like this is more to do with him than her.

Fizzadora · 18/04/2024 00:12

Lining up the carers @HedgehogHighway

AutumnFroglets · 18/04/2024 00:20

You seem to be blaming the stepmother for things your father should have dealt with himself.

Your father could have invited you to his wedding.
Your father could have not behaved inappropriately on the sofa.
Your father could have invited you on holidays.
Your father could have taken you all on days out.
Your father could have both sets of children integrated as one family.

Your father.

IfIwasrude · 18/04/2024 00:22

There's no clear answer to this.

Perhaps a conversation with your dad would be helpful. If you explain that you never felt included and were in fact excluded at times and sometimes exposed to behaviour that made you feel uncomfortable, stressing that you aren't saying this to be critical, just trying to explain why you feel awkward about them coming together now when the relationship was always only with him. But that you want him to be happy and respect his wishes so perhaps you could meet halfway, with your relationship continuing the way it always has most of the time, but his wife included at certain occasions - he might know when would be important to her.

SemperIdem · 18/04/2024 00:26

I think your dad is more at fault here than your stepmother.

saraclara · 18/04/2024 00:30

SemperIdem · 18/04/2024 00:26

I think your dad is more at fault here than your stepmother.

Yep. He's the one who should have centred you. You weren't her responsibility.

Kitkatcatflap · 18/04/2024 00:36

I don't think you should have to entertain anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home. And the suggestion of turning one your monthly lunches to a home visit is a food one.

But I do agree with the other posters that there is a massive discrepancy in the way you and your sister were treated and the way her children were treated. Yes, she sound like a cold fish but the brunt is on your Dad's shoulders. Have you ever discussed it with him?

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 18/04/2024 00:38

I honestly don’t know why you’re blaming your stepmother when it’s actually your father who failed you. Everything single thing you’re complaining about it down to him.