to feel so overwhelmed with ASD teenage daughter?

[StressedSuzie]

She has just turned 13 and is struggling massively with anxiety.
She refuses to accept any help such as therapy or medication and insists that if everyone just did as she needed then all would be absolutely fine.
Seeing her walk out of school each day, completely drained and almost mute due to being so overwhelmed is so upsetting to see.
What do you do when your children have sky high anxiety but won’t accept any form of help? 😢

You do not give in to these requests written in your post though do you @StressedSuzie ?
She shouldn't be given control over an entire household, that is far too much power for a teenager. It can sometimes have the opposite effect and make them feel out of control (sorry if that's patronising, i'm sure you know far more than me) and you end up in a vicious cycle.

Is there anything she will engage with? Will she watch things on YouTube or listen to podcasts for example? Will she go on a long drive with you and listen to something in the car? Start small, see if this opens her up to further support. There will be podcasts etc out there by people who she may feel a connection with, it's just finding them.

I am wondering whether much of her “issues” are really due to unaccommodated ASD rather than anxiety? Not having your autism accommodated can cause anxiety. She may be right when she says
”if everyone just did as she needed then all would be absolutely fine.”

I agree that some of her demands are unreasonable, the complete silence after 9pm for example. But that’s ASD, not anxiety making her unable to understand that it isn’t possible.

“school just need to understand that she cannot do drama / PE / Trips of any kind / have no teachers who raise a voice”

These do seem to be reasonable accommodations.

Been there. Got the t shirt.

What worked:
Communicating with counsellor via writing until she feels safe
ADHD meds were game changers in terms of anxiety ) we didn’t even think she had adhd
Paying her to comply
Paying to see private pysch
Accepting burnout
Gettimg an EHCP

What didn’t work:
Forcing or ‘being a parent
Fluoxetine
Trying to parent like the parent of an NT using boundaries which made everything worse.

She needs to be in a NT school. Mine couldn’t cope with shouty teachers or questions.

Can I ask what made you seek an ADHD diagnosis?

I can’t say I see any traits but my 16 year old son does have it so maybe it is there alongside the ASD

I find it so hard to know what is ASD, what is anxiety and what is being a 13 year old!

I am always worried about getting it wrong so I tend to be cautious and accept for whatever reason she isn’t able to do whatever it is and not push it 😢

Guessing you haven't read the thread if you think this is about 'giving in'?

We didn’t actively seek it!

She was sitting in her pyschiatrist appointment, and l
noticed she was watching Dd picking her fingers. She said ‘l wonder if she’s ADHD doing that.. Then l mentioned that she always had a racing mind.

I would NEVER have though she had ADHD. Except she did procrastinate a lot. I just though she was ASD.

Anyway she did the test, started on adhd meds and is like a different person. Brain fog gone, anxiety reduced, much more bouncy and friendly.

Like a switch has been flipped.

Giving in😂

If only it was that simple🥴

Ok... capitulate?
I have read the thread but not a professional. Shame you only concentrated on me saying something mistakenly. I had no idea it was a club I wasn't allowed to join.

Same again to you. I hope this attitude doesn't follow you in real life.
Nothing difficult is simple is it? I wasn't alluding to that at all.

She has agreed to try the pill as trusts our family doctor
Such a shame the GP can’t prescribe anything for anxiety as even the GP said she thinks she would do well on Sertraline but can’t prescribe to under 18s until a shared care agreement is in place 😢

@Notimeforaname and clearly no idea how therapy actually works 🤦‍♀️.

I Feel your pain. I am mum to an AudHD 16 year old. It’s a difficult one but I really think you need to be strong with your daughter. As a previous poster said she is too young to know what will help. You need to do everything you can to persuade her. Maybe you could come to an agreement where she tries help for a few months. She will be railing against change because she’s on the spectrum. Sometimes you need to give them a shove. If she had a broken leg would she refuse to go to Aand E no should would not.

Perhaps your AudHD child does not have demand avoidant features to their profile, but expert advice in these circumstances is not to push.

Yes but you can be strong without pushing… My son was a school refuser for years. He then went to Y7 and lockdown happened, cue OCD, involvement with police, almost being sectioned. You name it. The ONLY thing that helped was medication. It has helped more than any therapy. I cannot tell you what a lifesaver it has been for him. Being firm but fair was the approach that worked for him.

I don’t think you should push. We were advised to push out ASD Dd into school. She self harmed.

As people have said, unless they actually WANT to talk you can push them through the door as much as you like and it will do no good. We tried and tried and tried with our daughter - online, offline, group, family, different therapists. She didn’t open up to any of them. We even tried texting with the therapist and she only replied in one word answers. All the control has to be with the child in the end. Not sure why people think this parent hasn’t done all these things as if they just haven’t tried hard enough.

I am absolutely not saying that this mum has not tried hard enough! This mum asked for advice and I’m just saying that a firm approach worked with my son. I had to spell it out to him that either he worked with professionals to feel better or carry on through life feeling shit. The help was there for him - it was up to him. Every time he moaned about feeling anxious I had to take him through the steps that would make it better - I had a visual chart for him - like a social story.

But if the child has mutism which can be part of social anxiety they are too scared to engage.

Selective mutism is a major problem
Even at the dentist she will look at me when asked how she is / to confirm her birthday etc.

I think for this reason therapy is always going to prove challenging for her.

I just wish the GP could prescribe the medication as this is what is holding her back the most - that she would have to walk into an unknown building to see an unknown psychiatrist and say that she WANTS medication when in her mind she doesn’t want it - she just wants everyone to do what she needs all of the same and then she thinks she would be happy.

Of course, this isn’t true but in her mind it is 😢

It’s so annoying that GPs can’t prescribe Sertraline !! It has worked so well for my son. I can only suggest you try social stories - pictures of the Psych office, picture of the psych. List all the steps and show pics. Keep going over it. Also try and come to an agreement with school that she doesn’t have to do PE, drama. They should really take her stressors off the table - that is reasonable adjustment.

I remember you saying about issues with the sound of people eating- how is she more broadly with sensory issues? It’s taken me well into my thirties to really understand the impact of noise/light/texture on my autism. It’s been a lot of trial and error, but I think it’s something that occupational therapists can help with too.

A useful analogy is of a bucket - sensory inputs and general life demands go into the bucket, there is a hole in the bottom which slowly drains them out as they’re processed. Someone with a typical sensory profile has a bucket that drains at the “correct” rate- not too empty, not too full, and space for life’s demands to be added.

However, if this system is often disrupted like in autism, the bucket might not “drain” fast enough and even a little extra input or life demand causes things to spill over. On the other hand some people have a bucket that drains too quickly, so they might have sensory seeking behaviours to try and compensate.

in my personal experience, it’s pointless trying to do anything when you’re already on the edge of spilling over. Sensory techniques plus relaxation techniques have made a difference for me. Gets the body feeling that it is safe, rather than in a constant state of flight or flight. When you feel safe on that fundamental level, it is then more possible to engage with things like therapy and pushing the edges of the comfort zone.

We are having some success with the SPACE approach - it doesn't need the child to agree to participate. Look up spacetreatment.net

(it's been used successfully in autism, with ARFIF and other similar issues).