to feel so overwhelmed with ASD teenage daughter?

[StressedSuzie]

She has just turned 13 and is struggling massively with anxiety.
She refuses to accept any help such as therapy or medication and insists that if everyone just did as she needed then all would be absolutely fine.
Seeing her walk out of school each day, completely drained and almost mute due to being so overwhelmed is so upsetting to see.
What do you do when your children have sky high anxiety but won’t accept any form of help? 😢

Some of the advice here is baffling. I’m the mum of a 14 year old girl with ASD/ADHD and anxiety. If I forced my daughter to take medication etc against her will, I doubt she would ever trust me again (she has refused to take medication for the past 2 years and we have understood and respected her decision, it is not the same thing as taking antibiotics).

OP, my daughter also finds school exhausting and other teenage girls impossible to de-code at times. The best thing we did was to try to get her school to understand what she needs (classroom adjustments, a quiet space when she’s overwhelmed, allowing her to be late some days etc). I find myself advocating for her a lot and anticipating issues where I can. We don’t push her to get homework done, like your daughter, mine is runnIng on empty when she gets home and needs a safe space to decompress.

We’ve found a good therapist and tried to understand and respect her emotions (including her feelings about therapists she hasn’t felt comfortable with).

At times it has been so hard and I find we have six months where it seems impossible and then it gets easier for a bit.

Her response of wanting control is a completely natural desire with anxiety.

What would she like you to do, or what does she want to be different?

Autism anxiety is different to typical anxiety you treat, the things that cause the anxiety are a result of how her autistic brain works. This is why they have 'autism friendly' events etc because what's required are adaptions, not trying to change with CBT etc.

It might be more helpful to look at what triggers her anxiety. Developing calming techniques at home. It may help her to discuss therapy as a way of helping her manage and offload her stress as opposed to a deficit that needs to be fixed. Other methods like workbooks at home, talking to other autistic teens at support groups, or chatting online might help. Autism organisations run things like online mindfulness and online art groups. These things focus on feeling good through an activity instead of focusing on anxiety. Talking to you will be a huge help too. She needs to feel understood and supported.

If she's Gillick competent she absolutely does get to refuse/have a say in her medical treatment (in this case counselling or medication). You can't force a child that age to engage in therapy, and no therapist worth their salt would take them on if the young person didn't want to be there.

Thanks for the replies and ill try and answer the best I can!
No, her requests aren’t always “ reasonable “ but it’s very difficult not to allow them because she will continue to go over and over the same subject until it’s changed.
For instance, she goes to bed at 9 and likes complete silence in the house.
No talking / nobody using the bathroom as next door to her room / nobody walking around the house etc - this is difficult as I have a 16 year old DS ( also ASD ) who might be in the middle of something ( usually gaming and he doesn’t talk on the headset after 9 ) but even him moving around in his gaming chair she will say is unbearable.
She has loop earplugs but refuses to wear them as she is adamant it is not her with the problem - in fact, the box is still unopened.
She doesn’t eat with any of us due to the noises people make when eating and she is very angry that her dad and brother won’t give up meat ( I did when she became vegetarian 2 years ago to support her and I thought it would mean we could have the occasional meal out together - I was wrong as restaurants are completely off limits )
She won’t access the SEN hub at school as this indicates she has an “ issue “ and she also went mute when school tried to get her into some of their social skill interventions.
She has no hobbies at all as gave them them all up one by one for various reasons but all came back to anxiety.
Her special interest is ear piercing and she has multiple of these now which I didn’t think I would agree to if someone asked a year ago but to see her happy, there isn’t much I would say no to now!

ridiculous comments on here about 'forcing 'her to go to therapy. You can't force anybody to engage in a therapy session!

The child being discussed here is autistic - that means school is an incredibly difficult and overwhelming experience.

Op - what was she like in primary? has it got more difficult recently or has this always been hard?

She may need a completely different type of day to day environment - it literally just may be impossible for her to cope in school. Im sure you know all this and are going through options - I'm just saying as you are asking about anxiety.

The anxiety is caused by the environment - it's also normal for her not to want to go to the SEN unit - she is masking/ sttressed/ socially anxious and trying to cope and not let anybody see how much she is struggling.

maybe once she is no longer so stressed by school she will choose willingly to engage about any remaining anxiety?

I dont think therapy is the solution to everything - my own child is. having NHS counselling for anxiety and I think it's fairly low on the list of what is actually going to resolve her issues. You wait years for it and then you get a handful of sessions - even if she engaged full on weekly - she would still find school overload impossible?

To be honest it’s not just at school she is like this - it’s everywhere which is why I haven’t pulled her out of school to homeschool ( even though she says she would never forgive me if I did this anyway )
Even me talking to her can result in her finding everything about me irritating, the way I say things or use my arms for expression.
I don’t like to describe her as highly critical as I’m not sure what part is ASD, what part is anxiety and what part is her personality!

She coped better at primary school but still only had two friends the whole way through and refused to talk to anyone else - when these friends wanted to form a larger group she then refused to go to school at all so missed a lot of year 6.

Shes academically very bright and I think she gets a boost out of this - she is happy when she passes tests with high scores etc but all happiness is very very short lived 😢

Just to add, she is also adamant that she is not going to any type of “ specialist school “ as she is fine where she is and school just need to understand that she cannot do drama / PE / Trips of any kind / have no teachers who raise a voice and all will be well!

She is still the child though OP. I think you need to talk to her about medication and meet up with others who are taking it or using therapy and explain that you have to do something as her parent because you feel she is making decisions because she is a child.

When she is older and can choose for herself is when she can call you every name under the sun, but what she won't be able to say is that you didn't care enough to try.

You can't force therapy on someone. Even if you manage to carry them there under your arm and lock them in a room with a therapist if they refuse to speak it's pointless, Therapy isn't something that's done to you it's something you take part in.

Some of the responses on here are bonkers.

Bonkers, unethical, profoundly counterproductive, damaging to relationships, unsupported by evidence. That's just for starters. I guess AIBU is the place for MN's shock-jocks rather than informed advice.

You can book a session and take them to see a therapist. You can't force them to engage but not facilitating help is more damaging in the role of a parent. My dd suffered abuse at school and was adamant she didn't want to see anyone. I still took her. 2 sessions in and she started off loading. It helped her and she recognises that now. If I hadn't given her the option I doubt she would still want to be in school now.

don’t do any of this unless you want your child to develop CPTSD.

Really interested to hear your ideas on how you force a 13 year old with ASD to do something she doesn't want to do?

This is great advice. Just teach your child not to be autistic op!

🙄

Having been there, you can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. My daughter sat silently in a therapy session refusing to talk on the one time we got her through the door and then she wouldn’t even get out the car. In fact it got to the point that the thought of therapy made things worse. We stopped after just a few sessions as it was so distressing for her.

Your suggestion really can’t be coming from a place of experience, or at the very least, success, surely?

My dd is a bit younger bit I am also on the back foot with the mix of autism and hormones.
If only it was as straightforward as depriving her of everything untill she complies. Her world, and ours by extension would shrink until nobody can function.
Sending strength OP.

I have supported a teen to participate in similar circumstances. NOT BY FORCING THEM. Actually by backing off, working with the professional to find safe ways to begin to allow them to establish a relationship, and access support at their own pace, whilst remaining within their own tolerance. This requires patience and an understanding of autism, and of control as a mechanism to cope with overwhelming anxiety. Forcing autistic people with high anxiety to do things is just likely to cause more distress, and as PP says, potentially trauma.

Asking staff not to shout is a reasonable adjustment you could ask for. If DD would attend school without Drama and PE then seek a reasonable adjustment to her timetable? Plenty of autistic kids have tailored timetables to enable them to access a suitable education.

Sometimes i think it is NT people who are so inflexible. There is one way to be a human, the NT way. There is one way for people to engage with the world, the NT way. There is one way to parent, the NT way. There is one way to be educated, engage socially, relate to your child, and if you don't do it you must need medication and therapy so you can submit. Teach your child if they can't manage then all they have to do is try to be NT and do and experience everything like NT people do. Fgs

Exactly!

Some of the posts on this thread are devoid of any empathy........and NT people say autistic people lack empathy!

When my AuDHD daughter dropped out of school her anxiety improved substantially over the course of about 6 months.

She was then able to make decisions herself about what education to access.

(She is now at Newcastle uni studying physics).

@StressedSuzie I very much feel your pain. I realise you are looking for answers, but I wonder whether you’re interested in a thread that could be moved (or start another one) off the beaten track? Just so that we can support each other. I’m in a very similar situation.

It is truly exhausting.

Me too.

That sounds … pretty reasonable, on the whole. She’ll probably have to develop some sort of coping technique for teachers raising their voices (presumably at other students?) as that’s unlikely to change, but the rest seems uncontentious for a kid with an ASD diagnosis who’s struggling. What’s stopping you talking to the school about allowing her to sit out of PE and drama? And surely school trips aren’t compulsory?

Some of these responses are mind-boggling. But my world is very ASD-centred and I forget how ignorant NT people can be regarding the challenges.

My DC's therapist will only work with children if they want to be there - it was the first question she asked my son. She put a lot of emphasis on building a relationship of trust and didn't try in any way to "fix", just accept.