AIBU to not want to be around step son?

[HBot]

I really struggle to be around my step son for various reasons and am not really sure how to move forward.

I myself was a single mother and so I know how important it is for the 'step mother' to be a positive person in the child's life. I also purposely wanted to date someone with a child as I felt they were more understanding of the ups and downs of dealing with a blended family.

However, I really struggle with my partner's child and it has become a real issue in our relationship.

The son, who is 9, doesn't really understand boundaries and I feel he is obsessed with hugging or touching me or wants to touch my things. I've tried to gently explain that I'm not ready for a hug right now or how my things are important to me but my partner then feels I am being standoffish and should hug him when he wants a hug etc because he is only a child or that he should have access to anything in our house because it's his house too. This has caused an argument because I became stroppy that he kept coming into our bedroom when I was changing and I asked him not to. I've tried to explain that I have boundaries and don't always want to be hugged or touched or sat on but my partner thinks I am being awkward.

In addition, he's a very unclean child and has terrible habits such as touching himself all the time or wiping snot everywhere. When I have approached this with his dad, his response is that all boys do this. I have a teenage son who doesn't do this and don't believe that it is just a boy thing. But also, if he is doing it, to remind him that we don't touch ourselves when other people are in the room etc but his dad thinks I'm telling him off and being OCD.

It's reached the point now where his dad will comment on any interaction I have with his child and if I'm not acting like a child's TV presenter around him (extreme but that's how I feel!), then I am criticised and called out for making the house awkward and uncomfortable. I now make plans to be out of the house when he is there at the weekend but obviously that's not a long term solution.

I'm not really sure how to keep approaching my partner about this as like I have mentioned, it's become a bit of a sore issue between us so any tactics or ways of approaching would be great.

How long have you and the dad been in relationship for?
being a blended family is really difficult especially when as in this case, you don’t parent in the same way as your partner
you’re having quite a visceral reaction to the child and not sure you can overcome it easily

Not sure i could be with a df who won't parent his dc..
Ball hands are ime disgusting. No wonder you keep him at arms length... Not sure your soft furnishings are great now either!! Time for bye bye....

I don't have anything to do with my DPs child at all, so we dont live together because I couldn't stand his awful kid anywhere near me again.

We tried, it didn't work, so we are now living seperatly, which is much better.

If you're having such a reaction to his child then it's worth thinking about living apart.

Why do you think you should keep approaching his dad about it? He can’t change his child, but you can change your mind. Leave him if you don’t like his child, they are a package.

I don't think you are ever going to meet your partners expectations of how you should interact with his son.
Is living apart an option? Whose house are you all living in?

We have been in a relationship for 2 years but we did move in together sooner than is what is probably sensible because of financial reasons (I know, I know!).

We do parent differently and he wants to be seen as the fun parent. I just feel like I'm an awful human sometimes as I find myself making reasons to not be around!

The blended family thing is really hard on everyone. The set-up often doesn't work. Better not to live together.

In the meantime, put a lock on your bedroom door, keep your things put away, and get your DP to teach his son about basic person hygiene. (And if that's too much for him, then you have a serious DP problem.)

You need to have a serious talk with your partner.
Explain that you fully accept that his child comes first, that's a given that barely even needs to be said really but make it clear anyway. Because obviously, if someone is going to leave it's going to be you.
Then say that yes, it is his house too but it's also yours and everyone in a household deserves to feel comfortable in their own home and as a family, which is what you are and want to continue to be, you have to accomodate and make allowances for each others sometimes. It cannot focus around one person's needs only, even if that person is a child because it's not a sustainable set up for a happy home for anyone in it.
He therefore needs to support you in setting clear boundaries for his son. He needs to respect your personal space and not touch himself around you.
You might also want to remind him that ignoring this behaviour now, at 9yo, when he will soon be approaching puberty, is a bad idea. He will be interested in dating in a few years and going into that with no idea of respect and boundaries is a recipe for disaster.
Good luck!!

It's not working. It's never going to. You need to face reality and end it because none of this is going to get any better.

The bottom line is living together is NEVER going to work for you all.

Accept that, then decide what you want to do.

Is 'the son' actually your stepson? It doesn't sound like you're married to his dad, and if so that's for the best. I don't think it's good to be living together either in this scenario. If he was your own DS, you'd love him and hug him despite his grubby habits. My DSs aren't dirty but they definitely more nose picky etc than a DD might be and though I might nag them about it, it wouldn't affect me the way it does you due the unconditional love. I can see both sides really, your DPs and yours, and as there's no way to change how you feel, I'd agree with PP about best to live separately. It's not nice for DS to be around someone so much who feels like this about them and it won't get better.

I don’t think from what you’ve said this is going to work out long term then
Your partner and you have different parenting styles - being a fun parent is the easy way out
being a parent is about boundaries as well as a united front with the other so you’re a unit with clear expectations

Children can be very different from each other.

Some are easier to parent than others.

Parenting styles also vary massively - my SIl coslept until her kids were old, home educated and encouraged a very cuddly touchy feely household.

I'd have hated it and my parenting style would not fit with her household.

Honestly it sounds like you parent in completely different ways. I also would not like his way of parenting but it's his kid and he is entitled to parent the way he wants.

It's a lot harder to be a positive role model to a kid when you find their behaviour unpleasant.

We have been in a relationship for 2 years but we did move in together sooner than is what is probably sensible because of financial reasons (I know, I know!)*

Ah well then you know you've made a mistake so own it and don't prolong the problems. Financial reasons are not what should drive blending families so soon. Really bad idea and you're all paying for it now.

Was it due to your finances or his?

It won't work op. His son is only 9. You have years of him being a big part of your life. You'll either have to put your own boundaries in place (lock for bedroom door) or live separately

I was going to say this - financial reasons should be no part of the decision to move in together when there’s a young child (or any child!) involved.

You're not struggling with your partner's child - you're struggling with your partner's (lack of) parenting of his child. If your DP isn't receptive to stop the Disney Dadding I'm afraid you're on a hiding to nothing with this relationship.

It feels to me as though you moved in together much too fast, and that this should have been bottomed out before you even thought about it. His son is a member of the family and you can’t avoid him.

I would honestly move back out again (you or him, depending on who moved in with who, or if it’s a new home one or both of you move on). It isn’t going to work if two members of the family, you and your dss, can’t be around each other, and your OH can’t be policing your contact with his son all the time.

It was a mixture of both. He had a part-time lodger and I was looking to move somewhere cheaper anyway. We trialed it for about 4 months before we officially made the move which we thought was enough as we believed we were both older and wiser but you never really know someone properly until you live with them!

I don’t think this is going to work out.

But your last try with DP needs to point out what is non negotiable. DSS doesn’t enter your bedroom. DSS doesn’t stick his hands down his trousers whilst in company. A 9 yo is capable of understanding these basic boundaries. Next time he comes in for a hug, tell him “no because you’ve just been playing with your balls”.

But you have to be prepared for this relationship to end.

We have a blended family.

The problem here is, I think, your partner's lack of willingness to parent his child.

Unless you two can sort this out between you, it's going to continue to be a problem. Some of the things your stepson is doing are grim e.g. the bad hygiene.

I do think it's unkind to refuse hugs to children unless you are really particularly busy with something that you can't stop for a moment.

Your husband isn't bring a parent, he's your problem. If you can't tell him that you gave boundaries that need to be respected then your situation won't work. I think a big part is your partner gas forgotten that it's not your child and you aren't related to him and Gabe no obligation to him. I have a 9 year old boy and he knows to knock before walking into a closed bedroom, he asks for privacy getting showered, changed, etc and so do I. I wouldn't likey own child walking in, neither would he, but I definitely would not want a child not related to me doing so. It's about teaching them personal boundaries and respect for others. It's ok to not want to get touched or hugged and your partner need to teach him that now. He definitely shouldn't be running about with his hands down his trousers, my son nor his friends do this it's not the norm. Your partner is being massively unreasonable. He may say it's his sons home but it's yours too and you can set rules that need to be respected.

Honestly I would just move out, it sounds like getting your own place is a viable option for you, although things would be a bit tighter financially.

You can still date him, it doesn't have to mean a split.

My dps son was older, and is now an adult, so dp may potentially move in here at some point, but, because this is my house I wouldn't allow his son here at all, which I feel is an unfair ask so I'll wait for dp to bring it up.

I would also approach this from a safeguarding perspective - at 9 he is old enough to understand a couple of concepts here that are getting lost I think.

One is privacy, both his own and others. If he wants to touch himself and discover his own body, then fine its normal (I assume - mine are a bit young to be tackling this issue yet I'd say but his hormones may be kicking off ?). However, he needs to be private about it. Has he seen the NSPCC pants song - look it up on YouTube, my kids love it. If he is just having a rummage, then he needs to understand it is not polite or particularly hygienic and he cannot do that in front of people and be trying to touch them, similar to washing hands after going to the toilet (which I suspect he may not do either) - would he do it at school ?

The next is personal space and boundaries, especially with women and girls. He needs to understand when his attention is unwanted and unwelcome, which will become more important as he grows older. However it works both ways and he also needs to be able to say when someone else's attention towards him is unwanted - to understand issues around consent and that no means no - his desire for a hug does not trample your own need for space. He can learn that some people don't like being touched and that is ok - it doesn't mean you don't like him but people can show affection and love in different ways. However, with younger children I would personally try to find some common space but I wouldn't argue with someone that wouldn't/couldn't.

Another is hygiene - he needs to be learning about showering, regular handwashing etc...

There are so many issues here that I think when you look beneath the surface show that he is not being guided/parented that well by his dad.