AIBU to not want to be around step son?

[HBot]

I really struggle to be around my step son for various reasons and am not really sure how to move forward.

I myself was a single mother and so I know how important it is for the 'step mother' to be a positive person in the child's life. I also purposely wanted to date someone with a child as I felt they were more understanding of the ups and downs of dealing with a blended family.

However, I really struggle with my partner's child and it has become a real issue in our relationship.

The son, who is 9, doesn't really understand boundaries and I feel he is obsessed with hugging or touching me or wants to touch my things. I've tried to gently explain that I'm not ready for a hug right now or how my things are important to me but my partner then feels I am being standoffish and should hug him when he wants a hug etc because he is only a child or that he should have access to anything in our house because it's his house too. This has caused an argument because I became stroppy that he kept coming into our bedroom when I was changing and I asked him not to. I've tried to explain that I have boundaries and don't always want to be hugged or touched or sat on but my partner thinks I am being awkward.

In addition, he's a very unclean child and has terrible habits such as touching himself all the time or wiping snot everywhere. When I have approached this with his dad, his response is that all boys do this. I have a teenage son who doesn't do this and don't believe that it is just a boy thing. But also, if he is doing it, to remind him that we don't touch ourselves when other people are in the room etc but his dad thinks I'm telling him off and being OCD.

It's reached the point now where his dad will comment on any interaction I have with his child and if I'm not acting like a child's TV presenter around him (extreme but that's how I feel!), then I am criticised and called out for making the house awkward and uncomfortable. I now make plans to be out of the house when he is there at the weekend but obviously that's not a long term solution.

I'm not really sure how to keep approaching my partner about this as like I have mentioned, it's become a bit of a sore issue between us so any tactics or ways of approaching would be great.

9 is not that young. I remember it very well. It is a time when children need more coaching not less. Your dh is treating him like a toddler.

There's no way I'd let my son walk around with his hand in his pants or wiping snot anywhere ...

Private areas are for private places.

you’re having quite a visceral reaction to the child

OP you have the ick about a child and it won't go. So you have to.

It sounds like there does need to Be firm
boundaries. And he should be knocking on your bedroom door before entering every time. Your DP needs to step or you need to leave as the lack of respect especially with regards to your personal space isn’t ok.

and all parents should be telling children not to play with their private parts in public spaces

I think you’d struggle to find many people who wouldn’t get the ick about having snot wiped all over them from anybody over the age of about two years old - it’s absolutely disgusting. She’s not got the ick over the child themselves per se, just their gross lack of manners.

My own mum would have HIT THE ROOF if I had walked in on her changing constantly, went through her things, or didn't respect her personal space.

He's 9, not a toddler.

The problem is your partner is a terrible father. There is nothing less attractive than a Disney dad (well none I can think of right now).

set your own boundaries with your step son. If you tell him off hugs might reduce. It is ok for you to have boundaries. Communicating them with his dad isn’t working. Communicate with the child.

But when she does this, her partner accuses her of being too standoffish with his son.

OP, the reason your partner's son doesn't have boundaries is because your partner apparently doesn't believe in boundaries at all.

If your partner thinks wiping snot everywhere, fiddling with his dick in front of people, constantly hugging and touching people who don't like it, walking into your bedroom when you're changing and going through your wardrobe, drawers and bedside cabinets are 'just things that boys do' and that you are being 'OCD' and 'standoffish' for objecting, then his son has learnt this behaviour from him.

Honestly, the behaviour you're describing sounds like the behaviour I'd expect from a toddler, not a nine-year-old. I don't know any nine-year-olds who have no concept of personal space and privacy.

I think you have to leave. The snot wiping, the masturbation in front of you and invading your bedroom when you are changing are all bad things which you partner shows no inclination to correct. I have sons and they wouldn't do those things. I also wonder about the hugs he can apparently demand at will - I might have a very grubby mind but is he perhaps pressing against you a bit more than you would expect for a friendly hug.

I’d look for a nice room in a professional house share. A couple of clean adult flatmates who understand boundaries. Tell your partner you plan on moving there- see whether he’d prefer to lose your financial contribution to his household or start parenting his child.

Does it matter why? It's not going to change.

OP, do you really need to be living with this man?

I don’t really understand why you’d voluntarily live with other people’s children. Particularly ones you don’t like. And after such a short period of time even knowing the man.

Yes my 3 year old knows not to wipe snot everywhere and ask for a tissue.

I think it very much matters why. It’s not the fact the child’s natural personality disposition is horrible, it’s the fact that they’ve been allowed to run wild with no consequences. If no one sits this man down and very clearly and slowly spells out that he’s a shit and is potentially moulding his son into a sex pest then there’s every chance he won’t change. Maybe if the OP stands firm and explains all of this and puts an ultimatum out there he may, you never know. If you don’t try, you don’t get in life. I must admit there isn’t a chance in hell I’d date anyone who refuses to instil basic manners into their child though.

How many hugs is too many is a difficult one when you’re managing the feelings of young child who is not your own.

But, that doesn’t really matter.

If dad won’t enforce:

• no touching his penis in front of you
• no going into your drawers
• no wiping snot on things

Then there’s simply nowhere to go with this. You not only need to move out, but also end the relationship. Because sure, if you live apart those things go away - but how can you want a relationship with someone who didn’t care enough about his child (let alone girlfriend) to parent-up and deal with it? How do you find him attractive in any way?!

Oh and imagine an interaction with a social worker if they called to say, “school have told us that a 9yo has reported that an unrelated female adult is naked around him”. Want to explain that you didn’t enforce the privacy then? It’s actually on you not to expose him to your nudity, even though he’s at fault. But you’re the adult here. Remember that for public changing rooms, 8 is usually the go- to cut off.

I also purposely wanted to date someone with a child

Be careful what you wish for OP. You moved in far too quickly, and for financial reasons, which is never going to work, even without involving a child that you don't like. Time to move back out.

Yup, my ds NEVER did this in company, it is absolutely not what boys ( or girls ) do. I wouldn’t hesitate telling your dss and making him wash. Yuk.

How long have you lived together and has it always been like this and you’re now getting fed up with it or has his behaviour changed?

It absolutely is his home too and he should be treated like a biological child would but some of this behaviour is completely unacceptable.

Having rules and boundaries aren’t a bad thing and your DH not giving him any, is actually very unfair on his son.

We need to teach children what correct behaviour looks like, not let them think certain things are ok and then get in trouble later on in adulthood.

You should enforce your own boundaries but be careful this doesn’t lead to you ending up being the default parent.

At the end of the day, the parenting is up to DP and many men will not give any rules for an easy life and then the stepmum ends up becoming the default parent.

Out of interest OP, whose house is it or did you buy together?

This is why it should be a case of first off just visiting and staying overnight for a few months before moving in together. Then you can observe the other person’s parenting, and if you don’t like it, or you don’t like his child, you can either end it or just live in your own homes and ‘date’. Not a lot you can do here. Your dp is obviously always going to put his child first, and so if you can’t get past your dislike of his son, unfortunately you may have to end things. It’s clear from your post your dp has entirely different views on parenting than you. Neither of you are wrong, but you’re never going to see the others point of view.

Neither of you are wrong? His kid is touching his bits in front of people and he is saying that’s just what boys do!!!! That isn’t on.

The ick nonetheless, the point is really valid.

From the lodger post, it sounds like it was his house that she moved into.

To some extent, there is a difference here between your boundaries and those of your partner, his son and the boy's Mum, it seems. Perhaps the best way to approach this is from the point of view of DSS.

It could be confusing to him to have different rules with the parents in his life, and what his Dad and step mother feel is appropriate within the same household. Perhaps the first step is to acknowledge this with your partner. Then go on to discuss how, having said that, it's important that he learns to understand boundaries and consent and that what would be more confusing is for you and his Dad to give inconsistent messages about what's ok and what's not. It's not fair on anyone and creates tension in the home.

Perhaps sit down together (you and your partner) and try to come to an agreement about what boundaries you are going to enforce with DSS, possibly with compromise on both sides. Whatever you agree, you and DP will need to retain a united front for the sake of DSS so he's not caught in the middle and getting mixed messages. DP may want to put his son's feelings first but everyone should feel comfortable in their home. Perhaps if you position it with DSS as the priority for you both rather than a you vs DSS then you might reach a more successful outcome.

I couldn’t respect a man who wanted to be the ‘fun’ dad whilst not teaching his son the very basics of life. Not sure how you can carry on this way OP, it seems insurmountable.