AIBU to not want to be around step son?

[HBot]

I really struggle to be around my step son for various reasons and am not really sure how to move forward.

I myself was a single mother and so I know how important it is for the 'step mother' to be a positive person in the child's life. I also purposely wanted to date someone with a child as I felt they were more understanding of the ups and downs of dealing with a blended family.

However, I really struggle with my partner's child and it has become a real issue in our relationship.

The son, who is 9, doesn't really understand boundaries and I feel he is obsessed with hugging or touching me or wants to touch my things. I've tried to gently explain that I'm not ready for a hug right now or how my things are important to me but my partner then feels I am being standoffish and should hug him when he wants a hug etc because he is only a child or that he should have access to anything in our house because it's his house too. This has caused an argument because I became stroppy that he kept coming into our bedroom when I was changing and I asked him not to. I've tried to explain that I have boundaries and don't always want to be hugged or touched or sat on but my partner thinks I am being awkward.

In addition, he's a very unclean child and has terrible habits such as touching himself all the time or wiping snot everywhere. When I have approached this with his dad, his response is that all boys do this. I have a teenage son who doesn't do this and don't believe that it is just a boy thing. But also, if he is doing it, to remind him that we don't touch ourselves when other people are in the room etc but his dad thinks I'm telling him off and being OCD.

It's reached the point now where his dad will comment on any interaction I have with his child and if I'm not acting like a child's TV presenter around him (extreme but that's how I feel!), then I am criticised and called out for making the house awkward and uncomfortable. I now make plans to be out of the house when he is there at the weekend but obviously that's not a long term solution.

I'm not really sure how to keep approaching my partner about this as like I have mentioned, it's become a bit of a sore issue between us so any tactics or ways of approaching would be great.

What @Gcsunnyside23 said

This is not ever going to work

The son’s behaviour sounds gross tbh and I wouldn’t tolerate it in my home! But really ( as ever) the problems here is your partner and his inability to parent.

God, if he's like this at 9, what's he going to be like at 13? I wouldn't want to be near him to find out.

I agree it's his dad's fault, but still, I'd be off.

Step parents often feel deeply resentful of a child who behaves badly.
I would not be able to cope with snot being spread around. Nor could I cope with all the touching and hugging.
You must love your husband very much. I would be off. Invasion of privacy would not be acceptable.

This is a partner problem not a step child problem.

I agree you should live separately.

Id say it's unreasonable to expect a woman to be ok with a 9 year old walking I to theor bedroom whilst she is changing and to be ok with being hugged and climes on against her wishes and to turn a blind eye to him touching himself. Where is the respect for you? What is he teaching his child about women's boundaries?

My 8 year old moaned at me that she's not allowed to go in dads bedroom at his house because dads gf said so. I said then you don't go in there it's her room not yours. She moaned gf tells her off- I asked for examples then said I would also have corrected that behaviour. I don't agree with how the gf has addressed some of it but she's parenting my children because their dad is useless and not doing the parenting. I think she's a wonderful woman

Ugh this is grim. I think your relationship is doomed because your partner isn't capable of basic parenting of his son. YANBU and I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship. At the minimum, you shouldn't be living with each other.

I banned all the children from our room early on when living together as I found things missing. It also felt weird, it was our room not a communal space. That being said no one was allowed in anyone's room without asking and that worked really well, is still adhered too.
I've snot everywhere and don't be fooled by the boy excuse, my sd knew exactly what she was doing!! She was 8 years older than your step son.
His dad needs to parent him. Or every single time his hands are in his pants tell his dad, insist on hand washing and any snot found make him clean it. He can't say don't tell off boy expect you clean up after him

She was 17 and wiping snot everywhere??!!

My own biological dc do not go into my bedroom. Have been taught to knock from an early age....
Maybe if you told dp sex is off the agenda as you can't relax knowing dss could walk in would see him stop that crap. The rest is grim reading..

Feel sorry for the boy, he's 9 his parents have split and his stepmum dosent want him around.
Let your partner go then.

You can't be a parent and fun all the time. He has to accept thatbeing a parent carries responsibilities and duties which he should be fulfilling. Ask him if he thinks his son will do well in life and scratch his bollocks whenever he feels like it, or whether he should learn to control the impulse/habit so that he'll be taken seriously by employers? He's only 9 so there's time for him to practise self-control of his hands, how to use a handkerchief, how to respect others' boundaries etc - how to become a good adult man - but the longer these things are ignored the harder the habits will be to crack. He can't be scratching his balls in interviews can he?

If your OH won't parent, then you need to find another OH.

OP tbh I feel there is a middle ground to be found.

Walking in on you while you are changing is definitely not on, and I would maybe install a lock on your door to use for that purpose.

I don't agree with everyone re: hugs. You're in a parental role and I can imagine being consistently pushed back must be crushing for him.
I normally massively feel for step mums on these threads but here I feel the balance may be off. This is his home as well as yours, and you can't afford to be precious about your stuff, or stuff in general. Of course he will touch items in the house, and it sounds like maybe this is something you need to work on. I'm with your partner there.

Hygiene does need to be addressed and that needs to be the starting point with your partner IMO. If you want this or any relationship to work you'll have to, most likely, stop being precious after material things, become more comfortable showing affection to children not biologically related to you if they initiate it... But also your partner has to understand the importance of addressing hygiene as an issue in your house.

The only caveat is maybe - if the child is walking in on you - are you concerned about potentially unhealthy / inappropriate sexual preoccupations on his part? If so, I'd understand the discomfort with hugs more.

set your own boundaries with your step son. If you tell him off hugs might reduce. It is ok for you to have boundaries. Communicating them with his dad isn’t working. Communicate with the child.

my step kids hug me before bed, new thing for the youngest. I do hug them back so they don’t feel rejected. I don’t know I’d cope with it all the time!!

my youngest step son told me he loved me a few weeks back. I don’t love him but didn’t want to reject him so said love you too darlin.

walking in on you changing is a no tho. Implement a knock on the door policy.

long term is this going to work for you? Never mind anyone else for now, is it going to work for you?

m if no, but it could work with changes communicate that openly and honestly to your partner if changes aren’t made then you have to fix it more permanently

good luck xx

Applwscruffle yes. I think it was to get at me, it was absolutely vile

Leave him. He will ruin his son with his sloppy indifference to good behavior. And he will ruin you, too.

Thanks - I get you what you are saying about being precious about my stuff. The only thing I don't like him doing is going through my drawers, bedside table and wardobe. Everything else, I'm not too precious about and understand that it's a shared space. But I agree with other posters, that it's not really a child issue, it's a lack of parenting and support from my OH.

Regarding hugs, I do hug him a lot and he's a very cuddly boy so it's not a case of me consistently refusing hugs. There are just occasions when I need a bit more personal space and it's trying to get that balance for him and my OH to understand.

He's very close to his mum and so I feel he expects the same level of closeness / relationship with me.

You are entitled to tell him not to go through your stuff. You aren't being precious to expect him to keep his ball hands off your personal belongings... And so what if you are being precious? It's your stuff presumably your hard work paid for? My dd's 17 and 18 stand talking at my door or will ask to come in. After years of parenting I have come to expect and demand privacy and that my own stuff remain untouched /unbroken!! I am not precious and they would never say I was..

For the sake of this boy, please move out is you really cant stand to be around him. It's not fair. Poor child.

Maybe you would be better off living apart but still being in a relationship. How old are your children? If they are older it can be hard to think about going through all the ‘kid’ stuff again.

The child is not being taught how to behave properly around others. I wouldn't want a 9 year old, particularly one that isn't my child, to walk in when I was getting dressed, that isn't appropriate at all. My DS is terrible with boundaries, but at 9 he had an understanding that people needed privacy to dress, I had to repeatedly remind him until he got it as he's autistic.

Agree, but her partner is not doing anything to address that and in the meantime he is living with someone who does not want to be around him so it does not seem like a workable situation.

The Dad needs to step up, put some boundaries and expectations in place and start properly parenting his child. He isn't doing him any favours at all. Otherwise this sounds like a deal breaker.

“…he's a very unclean child and has terrible habits such as touching himself all the time or wiping snot everywhere. When I have approached this with his dad, his response is that all boys do this.”

All boys might do it but then they are socialised to exist in community and behave appropriately. It sounds like if he was taught to behave appropriately and with consideration of others, then the other issues might get better too. At 9 he should be well on his way to understanding this.

Conclusion = your partner is a shit parent.

So basically your partner wants to be a shite hands off Disney dad that doesn’t respect your feelings or boundaries? Drives me bonkers that there are parents on this earth that would rather be considered fun than actually parent their kids and give them any form of discipline and structure. Sad beyond belief. Totally unfair on everyone else. The major red flag is that he won’t set boundaries for his child when you’re changing because you open yourself up to all sorts of accusations further down the line of you don’t get this down asap. Your DP is teaching your son that he can touch and harass any woman or girl regardless of who they are just because he’s a kid. I think not. Id be having some serious discussions going forward. To echo PP’s it will only get worse as he hits puberty and one day not too many years down the line he could end up sexually assaulting you if he’s not given clear or concise guidance. Nine is not a young child. I doubt this child would start inappropriately invading the space of a teacher so he shouldn’t just because you’re his SM. There’s a time and a place and it doesn’t sound as if you’re not affectionate enough for him. I’d start wiping my snot on my DP and see how he likes it and say to him “all step mums do it”. Equally nonsense but maybe he will get the point, that is so vile it turns my stomach.