If you told your DH you thought you were depressed because of your unhappy marriage, how would you expect them to respond?

[Cantshakeit10]

I appreciate everyone is different, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

my DH and I have been having some issues since Oct/Nov time. we have 2 children and I just feel as though we have very different approaches to things. I don’t feel like we have any meaningful conversations anymore without him either trying to shut me down of being sarcastic. I also feel like he can be selfish and quite ‘tunnel vision’ in that he doesn’t really see the mental load I carry. BUT, he does A LOT around the house, is always tidying up after the kids and always wants to be around for family time etc.

I just feel like we have no affection. Everything feels forced and, quite frankly, I feel like I would be better off on my own right now.

I told him last night I think I’m depressed as I don’t know if I want to continue this marriage. Instead of just saying, “talk to me”, he seemed to just talk at me about how he thinks I’m feeling and what he thinks will resolve it.

i just feel so upset that he’s responded like that. But maybe I’m just being too sensitive.

You haven't said the ages of your children but I'm guessing they are very small as this sounds quite familiar at that stage when you're both trying to juggle everything. Try and be nice to each other and weather the storm. It gets easier. I hated my DH when our kids were babies/toddlers.

@Humanunkind weve been together 17 years. But since having children the dynamic has obviously changed.

I don’t know, I clearly have some issues I need to work though and I do push him away. So perhaps I need to work on myself first.

@FrenchandSaunders 5 and 1.

if I’m totally honest, having our second has been the trigger as he’s not coped well

@FrenchandSaunders agree entirely

@FrenchandSaunders @Seas164 i know it’s a really tough age, but in my eyes, it doesn’t stop you treating somebody with respect

Although she's posted in AIBU it's clearly a relationship issue that's making her very sad.

OP, I'd ask for this to be posted in Relationships instead.

It's difficult to say 'talk to me' when it's going to mean hearing lots of things you don't want to hear. Also, that's not an approach many people have ever used. They want to try to provide solutions straight away.

Ok sorry @MILTOBE I’m not sure how I ask to move it?

I think talking to someone who can help you straighten out all the tangles would help you see things more clearly. And give you strength

Well @Cantshakeit10 after 16 years of marriage my exH TEXT me while on night duty saying he wasn’t happy in our marriage anymore, it comes as quite a blow to the person receiving this information… your husband may be in denial and wanted to share with you what he thinks the issue is as a way to reassure you? I remember phoning my H and saying to him that we had just come through lockdown which had meant we hadn’t got to do anything ‘fun’ plus our DD had health issues which meant I was up several times a night and as a result was shattered… the following day I asked him to discuss what the issues were in his mind and he refused to discuss it…. So I told him what in our marriage wasn’t good for me and he still wouldn’t tell me what was wrong about it for him… he didn’t leave for another year but also made no effort to improve our relationship, so when a year later he said he was going to move out I was actually relieved and wish I’d told him to go the first time he’d said our marriage was depressing …..
I think you need to put things in place to improve things…. Tell him to keep a night free, book a babysitter and go out…. Book counselling and tell him you NEED him to attend and try for the sake of your marriage… if he’s unwilling then yeah don’t waste anymore time on someone who can’t make ‘time’ for his marriage!

You're absolutely right, and if you feel things need to change then that's valid. It is a notoriously brutal time for a relationship, and it's a good idea not to let things slide too far.

Of course the OP's feelings are valid.

All feelings are valid. That's Therapy 101

I agree with this. I too would be pissed off with your husband's response, but most men will want to fix when really what you probably wanted to hear was "oh! Shit, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're upset." and probably just let you vent.

I agree with individual therapy. If he's making excuses about finding time for couples or his own therapy, forget it. Even if you drag him, he won't let himself get any benefit from it.

You can only control you. So you go to therapy, talk it out and you and your therapist will find ways for you to regulate and make things work for you. You're like water; you can go around the rock, the rock need not move.

I had similar with my ex. I told him how I was feeling and what I felt would help and he decided he knew better than me on what I felt and needed. I found this complete disregard for what I was trying to communicate and the arrogance he knew best to be more harmful to the relationship than the issues I was trying to address.

I would suggest getting some councilling together as hopefully then a therapist will flag when he is doing that and prompt him to listen to what you are actually saying. My ex never would do the councilling he decided he didn't have the energy to as he's now depressed and told me he would do it if I made more of an effort to make him feel loved. Completely flipped it back to me. He's now my ex

Don't hate me, but I really think a single, child free life is way better than any therapy.
Single "whichever way", that is.

Thank you all. @PurpleBugz sorry to hear you went through similar,

@GingerPirate sorry, I don’t understand? If we did separate, he’d still be in the children’s lives.

Have you seen your GP to discuss your depression? Obviously you are finding your marriage very difficult right now and god knows, a one year old is enough to make most of us lose the plot but depression can really interfere with your thoughts and it may be that some therapy, support and even medication you could feel very differently.

I wouldn’t throw away a long relationship that has previously been good without looking at all the possibilities.

Best wishes and good luck.

Thank you @MatildaTheCat, I reached out to my GP yesterday via the e-referral, just waiting for them to contact me.

Not rtft yet.

He would take it as an attack. It would be a monstrously complicated conversation to get right and I'd probably choose to do it with a therapist involved.

Have kids is hard work.
I believe both parents need a bit of genuine support.
Is there any trusted friend or relative you could turn to.
Not to blame but to discuss your stresses which are quite normal.
Someone who will support you as a couple , not just blame dh.
Getting a sitter and going out for fun can be the best tonic.
If it's all kids , work and housework you're bound to feel down.

Thank you @TammyJones, I will try and arrange to get a babysitter one evening. I just feel like our communication and affection is so forced at the moment.

That’s what resentment does.
Anger is a healthy emotion, but when you live/sit there it turns into resentment which isn’t useful. Try and work through your anger as it comes up.

@Cantshakeit10
Nothings going to change maybe it's time to call time
I don't think you're at fault at all. He sounds very needy. As if we don't have enough to do. It's a victim thing. Banal. I've no other word for it.
Be strong.

Having been through similar OP, I have a few questions, first of all, did you have many boyfriends/partners before you settled down with your DH? If not, are you perhaps subconsciously thinking that the grass may be greener with someone else? How old are you? If you're still maybe early 20's, with a couple of kids, do you think again, maybe subconsciously that there must be more to life, and that perhaps you settled down with your DH and had kids too early, without having spent enough time getting out and about, gaining life experience? Do you work? If so, is your job fulfilling, or are you just doing something mind numbing to fit in around the family? If you don't work, do you wish you could? Finally, have you talked to your GP about the possibility of your being depressed? Obviously there are other possibilities, but I would be asking myself some of these questions in your shoes, before you even bother spending money on counselling.

I don’t think he’d care as long as I shut up about it.

Im sorry you’re going through this.