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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you told your DH you thought you were depressed because of your unhappy marriage, how would you expect them to respond?

52 replies

Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:18

I appreciate everyone is different, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

my DH and I have been having some issues since Oct/Nov time. we have 2 children and I just feel as though we have very different approaches to things. I don’t feel like we have any meaningful conversations anymore without him either trying to shut me down of being sarcastic. I also feel like he can be selfish and quite ‘tunnel vision’ in that he doesn’t really see the mental load I carry. BUT, he does A LOT around the house, is always tidying up after the kids and always wants to be around for family time etc.

I just feel like we have no affection. Everything feels forced and, quite frankly, I feel like I would be better off on my own right now.

I told him last night I think I’m depressed as I don’t know if I want to continue this marriage. Instead of just saying, “talk to me”, he seemed to just talk at me about how he thinks I’m feeling and what he thinks will resolve it.

i just feel so upset that he’s responded like that. But maybe I’m just being too sensitive.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 17/04/2024 09:20

I think this is one of those where, without actually being there to hear the conversation and to witness the general dynamic between you and your husband, it’s entirely impossible to know if YABU or not. It’s just too nuanced a subject.

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:21

Thank you @KreedKafer , I appreciate the time you’ve taken to respond

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/04/2024 09:21

Well I don't think his approach is wrong, he seems to try to be practical with thinking and find ways that may resolve it.

If you're unhappy, there's a good chance he is too.

Maybe just say "I appreciate what you're saying and that you're trying to help think if ways to resolve this, however I'd really appreciate it if I could get this off my chest without interruption" And then tell him your thoughts.

Do you disagree with what he saying about how you could work together to resolve things?

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:24

@Dacadactyl I just don't think he understands why I’m feeling this way. He sees everything in isolation. Doesn’t consider the issues we had 2 weeks ago / 1 month ago relevant as they are in the past. But it’s a build up of things for me, and I’m struggling to move past them.

thank you, I will try your suggested approach.

OP posts:
ThreeEggOmlette · 17/04/2024 09:25

Would you both consider some counselling?

Maybe you need help to have the hard conversations & listen to each others response.

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:25

@ThreeEggOmlette ive suggested counselling on a number of occasions. He’s not prepared to do it, and said last night “when will we find the time”.

OP posts:
Haydenn · 17/04/2024 09:26

Can you maybe look at getting a course of therapy sessions so you can unpick how you are feeling with someone who is objective and professional. Maybe knowing if your feelings are valid will help you express yourself to your husband?

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:27

@Haydenn i think I will, thank you very much

OP posts:
Icanseethebeach · 17/04/2024 09:27

I think it will be a shock for him. You need to look at the positives, he wants to solve the problems and improve things. He may not be doing that in the right way but he would have been acting on gut instinct and that instinct is to try and make things better.

I think couples counselling would be a good idea.

Dacadactyl · 17/04/2024 09:27

Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:24

@Dacadactyl I just don't think he understands why I’m feeling this way. He sees everything in isolation. Doesn’t consider the issues we had 2 weeks ago / 1 month ago relevant as they are in the past. But it’s a build up of things for me, and I’m struggling to move past them.

thank you, I will try your suggested approach.

Do you mind me asking what the issues are?

How old are your children?

paintingvenice · 17/04/2024 09:27

Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:25

@ThreeEggOmlette ive suggested counselling on a number of occasions. He’s not prepared to do it, and said last night “when will we find the time”.

If you want these and think they will help he needs to make the time if he wants to save your marriage. But even some sessions just for yourself will help you I think

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:32

@Dacadactyl, nothing major like affairs or anything. Just the way he sometimes speaks to me or is around me.

I don’t feel like there is any affection anymore, if he doesn’t want to hear what I say, he shuts me down or tries to rush me to the point. I feel like he’s become entitled and I guess I’m quite resentful of him as I’m the default parent

OP posts:
Seas164 · 17/04/2024 09:39

This resentment you're feeling will build over time and is a killer. You can only sweep things under the rug for so long. Tell him that you would like a couple of hours set aside to talk to him, and for him to be ready to listen.

Investigate couples counselling locally, find a sitter, whatever you need to do, book a session. If it's not working, try another til you find a good fit. You'll find the time because it's important. You might have different ways of dealing with things, but if you want to talk and be heard, and therapy is the best place to do that for you, then take the lead. If he's resistant he's not going to pick up up the phone and find one, but it would be a bit of a move not to attend.

You know what you need, do what you can to get there, he might meet you half way.

Humanunkind · 17/04/2024 09:39

Just the way he sometimes speaks to me or is around me.

Doesn’t consider the issues we had 2 weeks ago / 1 month ago relevant as they are in the past.

So he doesn't want to take responsbility for his actions, an accumulation of which has you feeling the way you do. I don't blame you Flowers

I feel like he’s become entitled and I guess I’m quite resentful of him as I’m the default parent

Entitled to what? Going out more, if you're the default parent?

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:41

Thank you so much @Seas164, this is such lovely advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:42

@Humanunkind thank you.

no, he doesn’t go out. But everything is a choice for him. Entitled probably wasn’t the right word, more unappreciative of what I do.

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 17/04/2024 09:43

Many people - stereotypically men - respond to a problem with a solution. That’s what your DH did. You said “I’m unhappy”, he said “fix it like this” rather than “oh what makes you say that”. (And he said fix it by fixing yourself, rather than that he would change himself to fix it).

it doesn’t seem as if discussion with him is going to sort your problems. I’d suggest you get yourself some individual counselling or therapy - it will help you personally decide where you are going, and will tell him you are seriously unhappy in your marriage.

Do you think he is happy?

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 17/04/2024 09:45

He has parked you in the Housekeeper zone imo.

It's catch 22 when you don't want to spend one on one time with him because he's being an arse... And you feel he's an arse because you don't get any decent relationship time that doesn't involve chores /dc/moaning.

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:49

@olderbutwiser i definitely will, I am looking into options for therapy now.

i have said quite a few times that im unhappy and that im thinking of leaving and he said that thats affecting him, which i get. I just don’t know what else to do/say. We’ve tried to sort it out and we’re going round in circles.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:49

@Dareisayiseethesunshine thats how I feel

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 17/04/2024 09:54

He doesn't want to have to face the notion he may need to change. His reaction was to try and say whatever he could to make it go away.
I'd tell him counselling has to happen. If he refuses then go alone. But he must listen to and accept your feelings.

Uncooperativefingers · 17/04/2024 09:55

Slightly different perspective, but my ex did this with me: said that he thought he was depressed and that he didn't particularly enjoy any part of his life including our relationship.

I felt like he basically made his unhappiness my problem to fix. I was "too x/y/z", but he was unwilling to actually make any changes in his life, that might have helped. Because "what if it doesn't help". I suggested counselling for him to try to explore what the root of his unhappiness was as he couldn't articulate it, and he went but still made no changes.

When we split up approx 2yrs later, he still refused to take any responsibility for his own life and happiness and everything had become "my fault" in his eyes.

Your happiness is in your control. And it's a horrible position to be in to be told that you are making someone unhappy by simply living your life. I also reacted by trying to encourage positive practical steps, so I don't blame your DH there

Original poster
Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:59

@Uncooperativefingers thank you for letting me know your experiences and I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Can I ask, do you have children with your ex?

I am very conscious I am unhappy and I put on a happy face around the children. But when they are not around it’s like we can’t even communicate without it feeling forced. I just don’t want to be this unhappy and I think I need some time on my own, which is difficult with two young children.

OP posts:
notintheseparts · 17/04/2024 10:09

As someone else has said, the majority of men tend to go into problem solving mode when someone comes to them with an issue so perhaps try channelling that into some actions. When you tell him your depressed and don't think the marriage is working, what is it you actually want him to do/say? Have you told him what you want him to do in response? I'm not saying you should put words in his mouth but I think you need to have some concrete changes to suggest to him to improve things

Humanunkind · 17/04/2024 10:18

Cantshakeit10 · 17/04/2024 09:42

@Humanunkind thank you.

no, he doesn’t go out. But everything is a choice for him. Entitled probably wasn’t the right word, more unappreciative of what I do.

Entitled sounds fine to me.

Can you pinpoint the change in his behaviour or your expectations?

We’ve tried to sort it out and we’re going round in circles.

Because he is not prepared to go for counselling or shuts you down when you try to voice your feelings. It's working for him. He doesn't want you to change the status quo.

What does he say he wants when you have your discussions?