Why are people using the made up word rapey?

[BirthdayRainbow]

It diminishes a violent act that is so awful for the victims. It is rape.

If someone is behaving in a way that appears it might lead to rape then they are potential abusers or appearing capable of assault. They are not yet rapists.

Remember when Kiddy fiddler was used to discuss sexual abuse of children? That was insulting too.

If you use the word, why?

I suppose my AIBU question is am I over reacting but tbh I feel what I do and if you disagree that is fine too. I'm seeing it used more and more on here.

Agree, horrible word. Questioning language use isn't policing it.

It's been used for about 20 years or more in my friendship groups, actually it is more because in school im the 90s we referred to a teacher as "that fat rapey bastard", who ironically now is a well known sex offender.

I've been raped more than once in different situations by different men. I was also abused sexually as a child. These experiences were all before I'd reached 25, so still quite immature and I've used the word rapey and even made jokes about the situations to try and come to terms with what happened. I joked to my therapist that I wish I was as sexy these days as I clearly was at 3.
I think my brain fought against the magnitude of sexual assault for a long time and I wanted to believe that having a "touchy feely" father wasn't unique or a family friend with dire intentions wasn't actually something I'd dealt with alone, so I was alright with using silly terms such as rapey etc.
Now as a fully grown woman I don't, I use predatory or abusive. But I also no longer call my vagina my fanny or a penis a willy.
And I've accepted now I was sexually abused, not just surrounded by "handsy" men.

I'm not going to say that l like these infantile words because I don't, but whilst I processed the enormity of my experiences it did give me a way to discuss it without being so clinical, so I agree with you in essence @BirthdayRainbow, truly I do, but whilst I took the time to be able to use the correct terminology, silly words helped me until I was able to use the correct ones.

I agree OP. I cringe when I see it on here.

@Josette77 I am so sorry you had that happen to you 💐. I would never say you or other victims were dominating the act by using the word. I felt it was diminishing it and others do feel the same but I respect your opinion.

@Shan5474 that is a very interesting point and I think is will be helpful for me to think about it some more. I remember when FacebookRape was being used and was always really shocked about it.

@JanglingJack you have articulated what I feel about the phrase KF very well. I'm using abbreviations as can't face typing it again, not to diminish.

@RogueFemale I am very sorry for your experiences and I also think date rape, to me, sounds like it it trying to soften the horror. To me it is like if a man kills a woman's instead street he gets more years than if he kills a partner in the home. My daughter did martial arts and I just hope if anything happened to her that she could use that to get away but I fear not.

That is very interesting @Devonshiregal however I wonder if it is part of the feeling that many women don't speak up when a man makes them feel uncomfortable as one doesn't want to accuse an innocent man. I'm glad your friend used it in this context and you could look after each other.

@abracadabra1980 i think slang is better than my cutesy and I think if I didn't have a medical condition I think I would have been able to suggest slang.

I am so sorry for all that has happened @Lwrenn and I can understand you using the word until you felt able to process all that had happened. 💐

I think people use desensitised versions of words out of discomfort or fear of the real word. Rape and child molestation are truly heinous, and it can be human nature to swerve these terms out of discomfort (the same as many other correct, but uncomfortable words) especially when confronted by someone in real life who has suspicions attributes.

I would agree with you that word choice matters. Whether it actually damages outcomes or legitimacy etc, I don’t know, but I think people shouldn’t use any word blindly when you’re referring to the serious behaviour that would warrant it.

I don't like the use of the word purely because every time I have seen it written here and I should add, Mumsnet is the only place I have seen it being used, is that the person using it is talking a load of tosh and taking offensive at an innocuous or trivial remark.

This word is definitely not new, it was used in my friendship groups 20 years ago. And actually, it was very very useful precisely because of its ambiguity. My friends and I used it to put each other on alert - not red alert, but amber alert - about some men we came across. Men who, as far as we knew, were not rapists or even predatory, but who made us feel significantly uncomfortable or who we sensed pushed physical/sexual boundaries.

"He's a bit dodgy" wouldn't have covered it (it doesn't necessarily have sexual connotations for one thing). At the same time given that we were just going off vibe, or behavour that was possibly misinterpreted, going full-bore with the alarm bells seemed OTT. "Rapey" conveyed both the fact that we weren't actually certain we were right, and the potential seriousness of it. It also made male friends' ears prick up in a way "dodgy" wouldn't have and they'd keep an eye out too.

"Potentially predatory" is probably a better term but 20-something clubbers tend not to use precise, clinical language.

As far as I know none of the guys I thought were "rapey" ever actually committed a sexual assault but one went off the deep end several years later with sex-obsessed social media meltdowns. On the other hand another man I initially thought was "rapey" was, in retrospect, just very socially awkward - he's still a distant acquaintance, seems to be in a very solid relationship etc. Hence the need for ambiguity.

@BirthdayRainbow thank you so much! It's taken lots of time but I'm in a really good place these days. I appreciate always women who always challenge things for other women such as how language effects us by trivialising (not sure if that's the correct word!) Such heinous crimes. Thank you 😊 💐

I've been raped and assaulted and don't object to the word being used. It means the man is giving off vibes he has the potential for sexual assault and rape, that he sees a woman as a means for pleasure not as an independent person deserving of respect and safety, and it's making a woman feel uncomfortable/intimidated/not safe. It's a long explanation if you don't use a word like 'rapey'. I don't think it invalidating of my experience to have a word I can use to describe how some men make me feel they see me the same way my rapist saw me.

Does it get used by men? Seems like a word women use to warn each other or describe their instincts. We should not silence these things

Yes, my male friends have sometimes used it to describe other men. I think usually men who crossed the line with rape jokes or displayed outright misogyny etc when in an all-male group (but who might not have done the same if women were present). Or if they'd witnessed some behaviour that was open to misinterpretation but felt "off" to them.

I think women are perfectly entitled to talk about the risk of sexual assault, or predatory men, in whatever terms they want.

I've been sexually assaulted and raped.

I have no problem with the word being used to describe the actions of a predatory individual.

And, let's be honest although let me add a disclaimer here ahead of the inevitable objections ... YES, NAMALT

... the level of reporting and convictions for rape is so shockingly low it's highly possible many perpetrators of these rapes actions have indeed committed rape. So it's probably very fitting in many cases.

Have to say this feels wrong to me. Especially when it's a man using it as an expression to try and be funny/lighthearted. A situation that he is highly, highly unlikely to ever have to consider as a victim.

@StormingNorman yes, IKWYM regards -

It does sound more light-hearted than something like ‘displaying predatory behaviours’ but I think that helps the message get through and be taken more seriously (although I couldn’t explain why).

It feels quicker and more to the point than describing someone is real life just as predatory. More specific and as women we know straight away to be on guard.

to all the victims , and some of you so young too x

I think it's quite useful, especially when my male friends use it to describe other mens' behaviour. Words like 'creepy' or 'letchy' or 'dodgy' can minimise a man's behaviour, make it seem a bit Benny Hill or whatever. People would roll their eyes at that old letch. But 'rapey' explicitly says 'you are acting in a way that makes women fearful you will rape them'. I find that to be a powerful statement to men on their behaviour, especially as I mentioned, when it comes from other men.

Sorry OP being a total thread higher here ...

Also for me I think we need descriptors with weight and shock factor to call out this behaviour. It's always been there and men have always done this but never before have we had incel culture and Andrew Tate wannabes being so open.

If we can't talk frankly about what it is we can't fight it.

If any men are upset at this they could consider it an early warning that we see what you do, maybe examine your actions and stop.

I think "rapey" is fine as a term to use, it implies that someone's behaviour indicates they might be a rapist or the sort of person who might become one. "Rape" has a very limited definition (in terms of sexual assault I mean, obviously it has other uses like in agriculture or county subdivisions). "Rapey" just implies someone is a potential offender, either current or future, more than the average person. I think it's a more emphasised version of creepy. A creepy guy might think about rape, a rapey guy might actually do it.

But 'rapey' explicitly says 'you are acting in a way that makes women fearful you will rape them'.

I think the problem is that the people who use the word do so in a non-serious way, as if it’s a joke (and implicitly as if making women fear you will rape them is a joke).

Absolutely that!

I think it's a useful word. There are lots of people - mostly men - who still think of rape as only occurring when a woman is physically held down, and that if a man gets a verbal "yes" or the absence of "no" then it isn't rape. They don't acknowledge that pestering for sex, wearing someone down, or even outright coercion to be rape. This word flags up and calls out male behaviour that we all know is associated and usually leads to the above - boundary pushing especially - that men socially didn't used to get called out for.

I see a different view, @BirthdayRainbow . I see it as us collectively now having a much better idea of what rape is - it's mostly not stranger rape - and being much more aware of the red flags that men who rape women show. Unwanted touching, leering, treating a woman like an object, especially an object that exists for their gratification. Crossing of small boundaries is a red flag and it is good that it is being recognised. So when someone says "He's a bit ropey" I hear it as shorthand for "He is displaying behaviours that I believe may well be indicative of him having a capacity for sexual violence towards women."

I always saw it as a warning or sign to stay away from certain men. However, I respect the views of women on this thread who have been raped and say that it minimises actual rape. Your views on this are valid and we should take note. If we think certain men are predatory and are potential rapists then we should be clear about the language we use.

If it's used in a joking way that's definitely a problem, but I would say I've encountered it more in a casual way (not to be confused with non-serious), and that's one of its strengths. Because it's not describing definitively predatory or abusive behaviour, it's describing ambiguous behaviour which could potentially be seriously predatory, but as it stands falls a long way short of needing to escalate what you want to say. And it's often in the context of being in a club or bar, or drunken after-party, or among a group of friends.

It's all very well saying we need to use direct language, call things out for what they are, not be afraid to state what's happening, but in a lot of situations you may not be clear what's happening and there may not be anything concrete to go on.