To not use credit card DP has issued in my name

[Passthegin99]

Not sure if AIBU because I get defensive around money so please can I get your view. DP and I have mostly separate finances (we've been together 10 years and have 1 DC). We have a shared joint account that we both put money into for mortgage and living costs, school clubs etc. Everything else is separate.

I have the following bank accounts/debit cards in regular use:
Current account
Joint account
Additional current account for transactions abroad ie on holiday
Business account (I am self-employed)
Plus I have a credit card he made me take out years ago that I never use because I hate credit cards and would rather not use them. He knows this.

So this morning he presents me with an Amex card that he's taken out with my name on it which he wants me to use for all spending from now on so we can get free flights or something. His idea is I would just use it to buy things and then transfer him the money. My immediate reaction was hell no! In the end I agreed to use it for stuff that I would normally spend from the joint account but even that makes me feel uncomfortable. He'll be responsible for taking the money out of the joint account to pay off the credit card so I won't have to do anything but it feels like a loss of control to me. He thinks I'm being ridiculous.

For reference he is good with money and trustworthy so it's not that I suspect he's up to no good - it just feels like an overstep to me.

Would I be unreasonable to refuse to use this or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Personally I think you are being a drama llama.

I use my credit card for all spend because a) it has better consumer protection and b) I get cash back.

I clear the balance every month.

DH has a credit that gets e tea club card points.

I've been thinking about the Amex card for avios points.

You are missing out on good deals and consumer protection through your prejudice against credit cards.

Are the credit card benefits going to be shared?

I wouldn’t be happy with this being presented to me after he obtained a card with my name on it. He should have asked you first.

You’re being really, really silly.

This is a really normal and safe way to pay for anything.

people who do their main spending on debit cards are nuts.

It’s so dangerous to have all your cash for the month sat in one account. If anything happens to it, fraud, card cloning, theft- it’s your cash gone missing and so much harder to resolve.

Just remember if you are buying anything over £100 you don't get the usual credit card protection as a second card user.

I do exactly this with my husbands Amex - it’s a card in my name on his account. He’s right it makes sense in that things I would be spending a way we earn cashback and points and use it for nights away, holidays etc. I don’t have an issue but then again my husband was very clear about it and asked if I wanted a card in my name and I’ve got the app set up so I can see it all transparently too.

He gets notified obviously when somethings put through and then I’ll either transfer him money right away to pay it off, or not (depending whether it’s a family thing or something for me/ my work etc). We get a lot of benefits from the card itself so I don’t have an issue but can see why if it’s been forced on you without discussion it is a bit off.

Also if it makes a difference we only use the benefits and points etc on whole family things like days out/ flights/ holidays etc. It’s not like I’m earning all these points and he’s then making bank off my spending. For us it’s like a family bonus so I don’t feel bad at all contributing when I’d be spending anyway.

Just remember if you are buying anything over £100 you don't get the usual credit card protection as a second card user.

Unless you can prove it is also in the card holder's benefit, eg a holiday deposit they are also booked on.

You seem to be extremely afraid of credit cards, as if just bring in possession of one puts you in danger of being saddled with debt.

Remember, the card itself has no power to put you in debt. None.

Some people view a credit card as 'free money' and don't think about the fact that they are actually borrowing from their future selves. They get in a cycle of living far beyond their means, paying massive amounts of interest they can't afford and their future selves struggle to ever pay off that.

You do not need to spend any money you don't have. You will not incur any interest if you pay in full every month. You will benefit from cash back/rewards. And you will benefit from additional insurance. Your DH has not done a bad thing here.

Your partner is being unreasonable.

There might be 1,000 responses from people who like to use credit cards, but your DP is not in a relationship with them - he is with you, and you are uncomfortable with them.

What on earth makes him feel entitled to organise a credit card for you with no discussion, and expect to do as he wants just because he wants you to? What does he think gives him the right to then belittle you and label you as "ridiculous"'? What kind of partner does this???

He has no right to dictate you use a credit card, no one made him the boss of you, and it is weird he hasn't asked you any questions to try to understand your perspective, or treated you as thought you at his equal. What a fail.

Is he usually able to be self-reflective and consider how his behaviour might affect you? It's an entry-level relationship skill, and one he should be engaging right now.

Also, if he manages the credit card he will have the record of all your purchases and that could constitute a shift of power. The dominating way he has handled this situation suggests that in terms of finances he feels superior to you, so I sure as heck would not acquiesce to his disrespectful demands.

And because he earns so much more the importance of my job pales in comparison even though I'm busting my balls to get my business to succeed.
but it sounds like you don’t see that money he earns so you’re busting your balls to keep the house going so… he can take home more spare cash for him??

the credit card arrangement is pretty normal, we try and put all the bigger and online purchases on credit cards, not all the daily ones as it got too tricky knowing where the budget was at. But is your dh a bit controlling? Does he want to see your purchases?

overall it sounds to me like the money situation isn’t fair, so i think you should buy your dream sofa or £800 coat on it, and he will get pissed off and decide he doesn’t want you to have it after all 😁😁 he pays for dream sofa / coat/ shoes/ le creuset whatever it is! Win win, you get your message through, you get him to share a little more fairly in buying you something beautiful!

Yeah as much I as I am in favour of credit cards that seems to be a small issue here in the scheme of things. No way I'd let him benefit from my spending or see it all if the finances aren't split fairly.

I’ve been on DH’s AmEx for nearly 20 years, from when we were DPs. He’s the same about BA air miles. I used to put all of my purchases on it, and pay him my portion at the end of the month (the statements split the cards out and give a card total, so it’s very clear). I stopped maybe 5 years ago…I use my own rewards card now. Either way works fine. What do YOU want to do?

I have a CC ( In my name) and my husband is an additional cardholder on the account. We spend as much as possible on this account - and clear it every month. In my case, I collect Nectar Points, and they really mount up!!

In case you’re still looking, both Starling and Chase have fee free transactions abroad on their debit cards.

Why are you in such an unequal relationship?

He is taking advantage of you

The issue here is that he didnt consult you first. He just went ahead and did it - that suggests a power inbalance and total disregard for your past issues - and yes he should absolutely be understanding of those too.

The main issue is the income disparity between you. You should each be contributing in line with your income - he should be paying much more! He is sloshing around in cash whilst you do all of the domestic stuff unpaid is outrageous. It’s so unfair.

Insist that a paper copy of the statement is given to you monthly so you can keep track that the whole balance has been paid each month.

@Gettingonmygoat if they have separate finances it's not really the OP's problem if it's paid or not, she's only a supplementary card holder, the responsibility and liability is on him.

Thank you - that’s very helpful. I hadn’t got as far as the newer banks.

Do you split bills based on your earnings?

What does he do with his spare cash?

The whole situation sounds financially unfair and this is just another expression of it. So you are now requested to put your purchasing on his account so he can collect points/rewards for it. You dont get the consumer protection a cc normally offers as a secondary card holder, and presumably the points/rewards are all his too. Meh, sounds like more of the my money/time is mine and yours is too.

I put everything I spend on a points card and I usually get enough back from it to fill up my car every couple of months using nectar points. Nothing wrong with the idea in principle, but of course he has done it so it is entirely in his control and for his benefit. What a prince.

I really hope you are paying into the joint account proportionately to your current incomes.

If he earns a lot more than you and you aren't married he needs to be paying more that you into the account to reflect that, otherwise you'll turn around one day, realise you've worked your bollocks off for the last 10-20 years, with one hand tied behind your back as you've done most the domestic stuff while he's had an easier life, missed out on time with your child and you're actually no better off for it financially. There's only so much you can do before you burn out, look after yourself.

The credit card I do think you are being a tad precious about, especially as he is good with money, the only time this would be a bad idea is if you couldn't trust him to pay it, but he sounds like he just wants to reap the rewards from it, be warned though not everyone accepts amex because the charges they incur are a lot higher than other cards.

just felt really uncomfortable that he was asking me to put all my purchase through this one, especially given most of my purchasing is for my business and has nothing to do with him and my personal spending is minimal as I have very little spare cash (whereas he has tonnes).

Hell no! You have two problems here. The first is you shouldn't mix your business finances up with personal accounts. Keep them separate or it will be a nightmare with the taxman later on.

The second is why do you have little personal money compared to him? Don't tell me the bills are 50/50 despite different salaries? Don't use the card, just keep "forgetting ".

Anyone who buys large ticket items like furniture or holidays on a debit card is missing out on the cast iron protection that a credit card gives.

At the rate that companies are failing at the moment, paying £2,000 for a sofa that will take weeks to arrive, without CC protection, means you risk losing all your money if the company fails. Pay with a credit card and you get all your money back