Sudden end to silent treatment from DH…?

[DelightfullySoSo]

After yet another week (and counting) of silent treatment, DH apparently suddenly deciding we can be friendly again, doing housework and chatting to the kids as if nothing unusual.

This has become a pattern of behaviour. You can read my current saga on the Relationship board via the Profile name if you like a saga!

I booked couple counselling for this Friday. He agreed. Now he seems to be ‘defrosting’ and meanwhile I am at the absolute end of my tether and actively planning separation options.

My head is a mess. The kids have been ignored all week too and now he cooked a meal and hoovered and they’re saying “at least he’s trying” and I now feel like I’m being unreasonable not to just fall back in line.

He hasn’t actually spoken to me yet, but he has been so absent for over a week, the sudden cooking and hoovering is abnormal behaviour!

Is this all mind games ahead of Friday?

Or am I losing my mind and being unfair?

Mind games 100%

100% mind games yes. He's probably realised that the counsellor will clock he's an abusive twat within 10 seconds if he can barely bring himself to talk to you.

This is no way to live OP, for you or your children.

I don't think couples counselling is recommended where there is domestic abuse. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. You might be better off having counselling on your own and speaking to womens aid. Forms of Abuse | Grampian Womens Aid (grampian-womens-aid.com) You aren't at all unreasonable.

You need to keep in mind it's not that he is trying, it's that he has decided to end your punishment.

100% mind games and worrying your kids have started to see his basic civility as making an effort.

I'd continue to actively pursue separation

Wow, I don’t think I could hack reading the saga never mind living it but I’d be putting my therapy money into a divorce lawyer tbh. Your poor kids (and you too of course) that’s no way to live.

Imagine in 10/15 years your child rings you up and says of their partner “yeah at least they’re talking to me this week” it would absolutely break me that they settled for that.

Couples counselling is a terrible idea.
Thank God you’ve started to see the light and are thinking of separating.
You and your kids need to be free of this fucker. It’s messing with their heads already.

Dump the abusive arse hole. He won't change.

Yeah he's twigged that you've had enough and are planning to leave. Good for you.

He hasn’t actually spoken to me yet
This isn’t normal. It’s like you’re so used to being treated poorly that the fact he’s raised the bar still nowhere near good but slightly off of the ground has you thinking that’s acceptable.

Don't have couples counselling with this man. What on earth will it achieve? It's not going to magically change his personality, is it? It will just be another opportunity for him to continue his manipulation and mind games.

This is so sad to read OP.

I know it is easier said than done but I really hope for your sake and that of your children that you are able to leave him.

I wonder what made you go to counselling?

I take it this was your idea not his?

He's an arse hole, getting off on abusing you and your children and now he's upped the ante by speaking to the children and not you. That's part of the abuse.

Couples counseling is not going to help, he's a lost cause.

I've never forgiven my mum for letting my father treat us all this way. I would never allow it to happen to my children and have never understood why she didn't protect us from it.

I don’t even think there’s a bar present, the kids are recognising to look for shiny stones in the dirt where a bar once might have been…

Like wow, dad actually acknowledged my existence today yay!

Get out of this shitshow and get your kids some counselling.

You do what you want but really for the sake of your dc you should tell him to leave. He is such a horrible man. He's making me squirm.

Kids were punished too?
What a guy!

Continue your separation plan.

You have just reminded me of my life years ago
Was a shitty life

My advice is get out as no one deserves it especially your children

He hasn't spoken to his kids for a week despite being in the same house as them? You are allowing him to abuse them, forget counselling and get a divorce.

He's feeling randy.

He’s done a number on you, and the kids… do you really think he’s going to change, does he even want to? Really?

I thought that too

I just read your previous post. Surely selling the house and buying a small flat for you and the kids is better than living in an emotionally abusive marriage for the rest of your life in a nice house. Fuck that. Couples counselling will never work with someone who is emotionally abusive - they know how to talk the talk in front of the therapist.

My husband tried doing a bit of the silent treatment early on in our marriage……… after 2/3 times I told him that it was an absolute line in the sand for me. I would not accept stonewalling and if he was going to try it I wouldn’t stay in the marriage. Have you tried firmly telling him that silent treatment / stonewalling is emotionally abusive and that you will not tolerate it even one more time?

This is a form of abuse. He’s using the silent treatment to control you all. He knows he’s making you all uncomfortable and there’s no excuse for it.

I think he needs counselling on his own. This isn’t a you problem.

Your poor kids. The "at least he's trying" statement would have broken my heart. You are modelling a really, really unhealthy relationship dynamic for them. I think the money would be better spent on counselling for the kids.

A counsellor is not typically to take cases where there is active ongoing abuse. My guess would be, s/he will refuse to see you after the first session and will recommend you seek professional support. Possibly make a safeguarding report for the kids too. Just be prepared.