Sudden end to silent treatment from DH…?

[DelightfullySoSo]

After yet another week (and counting) of silent treatment, DH apparently suddenly deciding we can be friendly again, doing housework and chatting to the kids as if nothing unusual.

This has become a pattern of behaviour. You can read my current saga on the Relationship board via the Profile name if you like a saga!

I booked couple counselling for this Friday. He agreed. Now he seems to be ‘defrosting’ and meanwhile I am at the absolute end of my tether and actively planning separation options.

My head is a mess. The kids have been ignored all week too and now he cooked a meal and hoovered and they’re saying “at least he’s trying” and I now feel like I’m being unreasonable not to just fall back in line.

He hasn’t actually spoken to me yet, but he has been so absent for over a week, the sudden cooking and hoovering is abnormal behaviour!

Is this all mind games ahead of Friday?

Or am I losing my mind and being unfair?

I have confronted his silent treatment behaviour a few times - most recently last month (after 8 days following an explosion of temper in the car with our DD in the back).
When I finally ‘cornered’ him, the DCs were out and we had time, I calmly asked about the silent treatment, hiding in his room or going out for hours without a word… this had lasted over a week.
His response was “nothing good happened and nothing bad happened” that week.
He did let slip once, mid-argument, that he believes if he keeps silent then it can’t get any worse. Like a holding bay.
I think that was the moment I realised he doesn’t have a clue what this does to me, or the kids.
The silence starves our relationship of oxygen, and whilst I’m gasping for air, he’s enjoying a week of independence, peace and quiet.

From personal, painful, experience, the silent treatment and the head fuck of switching from silence to pseudo-normality to back to silence eats away at you and makes you a shell of the person you used to be.

Your kids will also likely choose similarly toxic relationships.

Ditch the counselling, it doesn’t work with an emotionally abusive partner, and start making plans to divorce.

Do you not deserve better?

I can’t believe he ignores his own kids. In a relationship we all do things which we’re not proud of but that really is unforgivable. Does he not realise how damaging it is to their self esteem/ emotional development? Now they’re praising him for making an effort- just so sad.

Don’t waste time on the counselling, he sounds like a psychopath. Get yourself and your kids.

As a child whose father did this, it does leave long lasting affects and massively wrecks your confidence and relationships. The best thing you could do is to be separated and be there for your kids so that they don’t have to pull up with this

I think he does know. Any reasonable adult knows that acting this way is wrong because they have the empathy to know they wouldn't like it done to them.
Ignore the kids saying he's trying they don't really understand the full situation. You need to make this decision for them.

Man needs to go to therapy on his own. You and the kids feck of to Neverland and live happily every after!

Are you going to keep putting yourself and your children through it?

OK I'd get his statement about not making worse if he was silent the day of an argument (not being able ti copenwith conflict) but a week?

He wants sex. He sounds awful. You should leave him before he makes you mentally ill. Good luck

He's messing with your mind, probably decided to snap out of it as he's getting horny. He'll 'forgive' you, shag you then rinse and repeat.

Your poor children being brought up to think this is what happens in a family.

I see so many threads like this where people mention that they had a parent who acted like this. If you continue to put up with this, your kids will think this is normal (they are already making excuses for him). Do you want them to grow up and end up in this type of relationship? Keep this in your mind, what would you say to your kids if they got into a relationship with someone like this?

What’s the difference between abusive silent treatment and “retreating into the man cave of his mind”? Some men shut down.

It's never going to get better OP.
Cancel the counselling -massive waste of time and money. Start the process of separation and move on.

I had this with my mum when I was growing up, the silent treatment and then one day changing completely and 'forgiving' us. It's left me with horrific anxiety and there's no way I'd put up with it from a partner. Please don't put yourself through this, or your kids.

This resonates. My STBEH said he wasn't giving me the silent treatment but he didn't want a row so stayed quiet.

There was never really any rowing though.. Until there was much later. Twat. Gaslighter too.

You need to get a divorce.
He'll never change - the absolute twat.

You mustn’t get couples counselling - it’s not for your situation. Couples counselling is for people who have drifted apart but there is no abuse occurring.
Your husband is abusive (regular use of periods of silent treatment is abuse). He would therefore not be a good candidate for couples counselling.
Get your own counselling for yourself and leave him. No point confronting him - he’s not going to turn round, apologise and say he was wrong - he will never do that.

I've read your post on the relationship board and it sounds unbearable.

Counselling won't help. They will see through him.

Please don't stay for your children's sake. It will be so much better for them if you separate. I speak from experience - the best thing my parents did for me and my sisters was to separate.

Don't let the bastard grind you down.

My mum did this I realised what it was at the age of 11 I spent years trying to get her to acknowledge my existence and feelings is 41 years later she still treats me like I don’t exist if I disagree with her ,doesn’t care if she hurts her own child if he does it to you will do it to your children once they are older and don’t do what her wants

Prepare yourself
He will tell counsellor he s been doing all the housework and he has no idea what the issue is
He will monopolise and use the opportunity to present as marvelous and you as deranged

Or

Go to solo counselling
Work on why you put up with this

Do not go together

Please leave him. You and your children will be happier. There is no point in going to counselling with this man

I think I posted on your other thread, but if not, I was the child of a very similar man. He did not change and even dementia has not softened his need to emotionally abuse and control. I have needed a lot of therapy to really understand that I did nothing to deserve the silent treatment.

He didn't like the university I chose so spent my last summer before uni not speaking to me. I look at my children and I cannot fathom not wanting to soak up the last precious weeks of their childhood with them.

You MUST leave. My mother didn't, and I still find it hard. Get therapy for your codependence and learn to stand up for yourself and your children. You all deserve better.

Thank you everyone for you replies I am reading and re-reading every single one. I need all the steel I can get for Friday. The scales are definitely tipping toward me looking like I’m the avoidant, silent one. I can see the tactic coming like a train. I’m trying to prepare myself for counselling.

I am trying it because I want my kids to know I tried absolutely everything I could, no stone unturned.

If he does turn the table on me and the counsellor can’t see it - or can, but can’t help, I don’t have to go back. Then my mind turns entirely to how we separate.

It terrifies me because I struggle to picture it. I have virtually no divorced friends and those I do, I’d feel selfish asking them about it.

I don’t think going for couples counselling with an abuser is leaving no stone unturned. It will be horrible for you, traumatising and may leave you doubting yourself.
I don’t think you need to prove to your children that you fought for your marriage. I think you need to leave an unhealthy marriage for their sakes and explain in an age appropriate way.