Sudden end to silent treatment from DH…?

[DelightfullySoSo]

After yet another week (and counting) of silent treatment, DH apparently suddenly deciding we can be friendly again, doing housework and chatting to the kids as if nothing unusual.

This has become a pattern of behaviour. You can read my current saga on the Relationship board via the Profile name if you like a saga!

I booked couple counselling for this Friday. He agreed. Now he seems to be ‘defrosting’ and meanwhile I am at the absolute end of my tether and actively planning separation options.

My head is a mess. The kids have been ignored all week too and now he cooked a meal and hoovered and they’re saying “at least he’s trying” and I now feel like I’m being unreasonable not to just fall back in line.

He hasn’t actually spoken to me yet, but he has been so absent for over a week, the sudden cooking and hoovering is abnormal behaviour!

Is this all mind games ahead of Friday?

Or am I losing my mind and being unfair?

Not ended necessarily, but suspended.

it could and probably will resume at any time.

Life is simultaneously too long and too short to live like this, OP.

This above is exactly what he's chosen to do. Your punishment is over so you're now worthy to be spoken to.

Please don't let your kids think this is OK, you all deserve so much better.

Sending you strength to get your ducks in a row.

I can't believe you're letting him put your children through this too

The kids are being emotionally abused and making excuses for him - can you imagine how that will play out when they are adults in relationships themselves? It's way past counselling time, he is abusing you all and you need to leave.

Except he still actually hasn't spoken to OP. Just cheered up in front of the kids to mess with their perceptions of what is going on.

Separation is the way for you to get out of this. It doesn't change.

I grew up with a father who, if you pissed him off, would give you the silent treatment for however long he deemed necessary. I'd have to ask my mum to ask him stuff (like if I needed a lift somewhere - mum didn't drive). It was awful, and I used to wish my mum would leave him so that we didn't have to walk on eggshells around him all the time.

Please consider the effect it's having on your children when deciding what to do.

I wouldn’t bother with the marriage counselling, let him think everything is fine then tell him you’re getting divorced. Keep it light and amicable.

I voted you're being unreasonable because this is SO obviously him trying to make himself look better. He punishes your DC as well as you? Get him gone Op, no amount of counselling will make him a good man.

^ spend the money on counselling for the kids and you. Maybe a nice treat instead.

Couples counselling is not for abusive situations, and he's being so transparent with stopping the silent treatment before you start. I can't believe he's been ignoring your children.

How lucky for you that he’s decided to finally forgive you and lower himself to speak to you and the children!

What an abusive pathetic man he is. Be sure to tell the counsellor.

Couples counselling is a waste of time when there is an abusive partner / spouse. Give yourself permission to be done putting up with this appalling abusive behaviour and focus your energies and finances on progressing your separation / divorce. You deserve better than this and so do your children.

Your post is genuinely heart breaking OP. It's not normal to live like this.

Please get yourself and your children away from this horrible man. It must be so damaging for you all to be at the mercy of his moods. Imagine how light and free you'd all feel not being subject to this every day!

You do know that this is abuse? Couples counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships as it gives the perpetrator more 'ammunition'.

You and your children need distance from this man before he causes even more damage to you and them. He is manipulating your children, please contact your local Women's Aid and get help.

Cancel the counselling. Book a solicitor instead.

Your marriage is long over if it's got to this point. No ifs, no buts. Get gone. You owe that much to your kids.

This is teaching children horribly low expectations of a relationship, you and they deserve more

Don't bother with counselling.
He's playing games.
Just leave.

Yeah it is torture, my ex used to do this to me. And drag it out too. 3 months was the longest he barely spoke to me, after I fell pregnant on our third child. He knew I was on antibiotics and we took a chance. He suddenly decided to speak to me the morning I woke up bleeding, all of a concern. I told him to go fuck himself. Never could bring myself to look at him after that.

Please see the using emotional abuse section of this, you might find it helpful. Also, it is strongly recommended that you do not engage in couples counselling when the relationship is abusive, so you might want to rethink that and explore individual counselling, even better if you do that after you call time on the relationship.

You shouldn't have couples counselling with an abusive partner.

I'm so sorry OP. Silent treatment is actual mental torture. I can only support leaving him. In the meantime I find ignoring the silent treatment and pretending it doesn't bother you is a good way to go

You go into the counselling and use it as a safe space to say he didn’t speak a word or acknowledge me or the kids for 7 days until Tuesday when he snaps out of it, pretends he’s a regular dad and nothing happens, quite possibly to look better for todays session. I don’t think you can fix this, there’s nothing to fix. My children need protecting from this behaviour and I think our money needs to go to the solicitor not counseling to save a marriage he’s not one bit invested in except that he takes satisfaction from upsetting us all, including his children. I’m just using this space to say that.

Indeed

@DelightfullySoSo ...
Freedom Programme
Why Does He Do That (Lundy Bancroft)

He’s an abuser. There is no nuance, no extentuating circumstances to weigh up.

You're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out of it.