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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do all men live like this or just mine?

54 replies

Bananaramallamakarma · 15/04/2024 07:19

My dh lives in a mess, he lives like a pig. His personal hygiene is good, he never smells but that’s where it ends. We have seperate rooms and his room is dirty and messy, piles of clothes everywhere, surfaces thick with dust, he never vacuums. He never cleans or tidies or even changes his bed. His car is also filthy. He runs his own business so is quite busy with that all the time but I also run a small business plus do the majority of the child care and housework but I won’t clean his room. I used to clean it for him but I’ve stopped as he just lets it get bad again and I have enough to do - and I am not his mother. It’s starting to give me the ick that he can live like this at his age. He is 45 years old, he was messy when I met him but he was young so I assumed he would get better with age. He hasn’t. Is it normal for men to live in their own filth and not be bothered by it? It can’t be good for his health, mental health or physical health.

OP posts:
EveryoneJapan · 15/04/2024 07:22

I’d say some people do live like that, it’s not exclusive to men. I have a female friend whose house is such a tip that I wipe my feet on the way out.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 15/04/2024 07:22

He sounds like a bad flatmate not a husband.

AnnoyingPopUp · 15/04/2024 07:22

I think a lot of people are like this!

Thomasina79 · 15/04/2024 07:25

No it’s not a masculine trait. I know plenty of tidy men and have known women whose houses I would not enter! Some people just don’t notice a mess.

Bertiebadgers · 15/04/2024 07:28

Agree not exclusive to men although perhaps it is more common in men. My sister used to leave her room in a terrible state!

nimski · 15/04/2024 07:30

No, my husband would never live like this. My eldest DD would though if I let her, she has ASD & ADHD

ABirdsEyeView · 15/04/2024 07:30

I think it's a trait that some people have, not sure if men are more predisposed to it than women tbh - have known some really messy women!

I couldn't live with it - this was the thing that caused the most issues when my DS and his gf lived with me for a time - their room was an absolute mess! I used to think they'd be better when they had more space but their own house is just the same, only on a bigger level! It's just the way some people are wired.

I'd be worried about bugs and also the hygiene of sleeping with someone who doesn't change bed sheets.

At least you can shut the door on it and not see it.
My hard line would be no festering crockery in there - dust you can maybe live with if you can close the door and never experience it, but rancid mugs etc, just no!

Meadowfinch · 15/04/2024 07:32

Plenty of people are like that. They don't see tidiness as important.

I got stuck in the US after 9/11. When I finally got home, the house I shared with then-boyfriend was indescribably dirty. He wasn't the slightest bit bothered. 🙄

Peclet · 15/04/2024 07:32

Dirty bed would be the deal breaker for me. Serious ick.

KateDelRick · 15/04/2024 07:33

Just yours.
My husband is very neat and tidy and gives the kitchen a thorough clean after he's cooked, hoovers up and cleans the bathroom.

K0OLA1D · 15/04/2024 07:33

My DP and both DS probably would if I let them.

DP does help around the house if I ask him to do specific tasks etc. He just doesn't 'see' what needs doing otherwise.

I have stays in hospital where I am away for around 4 days and then no use when home and he does pull his finger out then, but not to my standard (I know that's a me issue).

LlynTegid · 15/04/2024 07:35

I would not accept messiness beyond about age 18, him being 45 not 25 or 35 should not make any difference.

Not all men just some.

Beamur · 15/04/2024 07:35

Similar here. My DH is incredibly untidy and doesn't clean his bedroom or office very often. Car is also an unwashed dustbin. His personal hygiene is good and clothes bedding etc are clean, just messy.

BarrelOfOtters · 15/04/2024 07:37

My DH is super clean and tidy. Me not so much but I wouldn’t live like that. It would put me off someone.

2Old2Tango · 15/04/2024 07:42

Not all men are like this. I suspect his mother did everything for him and he's always expected partners to do likewise. When you stopped he just never stepped up.

My husband would always have an immaculate car (because other people could see it) but he too has a messy room (separate rooms here too). Piles of stuff everywhere, hoarding clothes/shoes/other stuff, dust and dirt all over. The only thing he does is change his sheets as I refuse to.

ringoffiire · 15/04/2024 07:43

It can’t be good for his health, mental health or physical health.

Well does it bother him? Some people have a much higher tolerance of mess and just don't mind. It's not necessarily doing him any harm, and it sounds like his personal hygiene is fine.

That doesn't mean that you should have to live in his mess though. Is it contained to his bedroom or does he leave mess all over the house that affects you?

If the latter then he absolutely needs to try and minimise it, because he shouldn't be letting it impact you.

If it 'gives you the ick' that he lives in such a mess then I suppose you need to think about whether this is the right person for you to share your life with.

imforeverblowingbuttons · 15/04/2024 07:46

I'm clean but not bothered about a bit of mess - books on table etc.

Dh likes everything to be neat but doesn't see dust/crumbs on floor etc.

Dd 1 is fairly tidy now but dd2 lives in a disaster zone (at uni)

Missamyp · 15/04/2024 07:50

Bananaramallamakarma · 15/04/2024 07:19

My dh lives in a mess, he lives like a pig. His personal hygiene is good, he never smells but that’s where it ends. We have seperate rooms and his room is dirty and messy, piles of clothes everywhere, surfaces thick with dust, he never vacuums. He never cleans or tidies or even changes his bed. His car is also filthy. He runs his own business so is quite busy with that all the time but I also run a small business plus do the majority of the child care and housework but I won’t clean his room. I used to clean it for him but I’ve stopped as he just lets it get bad again and I have enough to do - and I am not his mother. It’s starting to give me the ick that he can live like this at his age. He is 45 years old, he was messy when I met him but he was young so I assumed he would get better with age. He hasn’t. Is it normal for men to live in their own filth and not be bothered by it? It can’t be good for his health, mental health or physical health.

DP runs a business where he provides services to customers in their homes. He has observed that many people, regardless of their income bracket or gender, tend to keep their homes untidy and unclean. In contrast, DP is very particular about his appearance and keeps his home immaculate. On the other hand, his brother is untidy and sometimes dirty, while his ex and her partner are often unclean.
We have a Russian relative who thinks UK people in general are scuffers.

ohlookimbackagain · 15/04/2024 08:02

I think you can get used to mess to the point where you don’t see it. Did he live in a messy house growing up? I did and because there was nothing I could do about it I just stopped paying attention. It wasn’t that I was waiting for the cleaning fairy, I forgot the concept of cleaning existed.

MyUnpopularOpinion · 15/04/2024 08:06

Ew do you still have sex with him?

Mothership4two · 15/04/2024 08:07

DH keeps things clean and tidyish. One son often has a messy bedroom but is not dirty and the other son is ultra clean and generally tidy. I don't mind a bit of untidiness but am hot on cleanliness.

I've known grubby women, so it's not a gender thing IMO

Revelatio · 15/04/2024 08:13

My husband is much cleaner and tidier than me. He’s definitely had a positive influence on my tidiness. He thoroughly cleaned the vacuum cleaner at the weekend, taking it all apart. Our son, despite being a toddler, is also very tidy, he always puts his things away.

ohtowinthelottery · 15/04/2024 08:18

DH doesn't seem to see dirt around the house although he has perfectly normal personal hygiene standards.
DS (who moved back home after Uni) has to be regularly told to clean up his mess. He spends hours in front of a mirror stepping over his pile of clutter to get to it making sure there's not a hair out of place but his bathroom is a tip - empty containers never placed in the recycling, toothpaste all around the washbasin, toilet roll inserts stacked on the floor.

I just think some men either don't see mess, don't care about it or just have much lower standards than women - and I'm no clean freak!

Beezknees · 15/04/2024 08:26

No, all men do not live like this.

In my experience with living with men (albeit only 2) both were incredibly clean and tidy. My stepdad was in the military since age 16 cleanliness and tidiness was literally drilled into him. My ex, although he was an abusive prick, also liked a tidy house, he was more tidy than me.

JLT24 · 15/04/2024 08:31

No they are not all like that, my DH is one of the cleanest/tidiest people I’ve ever met! Not a thing gets left out of place, he cleans all of downstairs every day and does all the dishes and laundry! Then blitzes the rest of the house once a week! As soon as his clothes are dry they are ironed the same night and put away.