Do all men live like this or just mine?

[Bananaramallamakarma]

My dh lives in a mess, he lives like a pig. His personal hygiene is good, he never smells but that’s where it ends. We have seperate rooms and his room is dirty and messy, piles of clothes everywhere, surfaces thick with dust, he never vacuums. He never cleans or tidies or even changes his bed. His car is also filthy. He runs his own business so is quite busy with that all the time but I also run a small business plus do the majority of the child care and housework but I won’t clean his room. I used to clean it for him but I’ve stopped as he just lets it get bad again and I have enough to do - and I am not his mother. It’s starting to give me the ick that he can live like this at his age. He is 45 years old, he was messy when I met him but he was young so I assumed he would get better with age. He hasn’t. Is it normal for men to live in their own filth and not be bothered by it? It can’t be good for his health, mental health or physical health.

Don't know why people think this is a gender thing. I'm on the messy, slatternly side (though I am clean and hygienic). DP is incredibly neat to the point of fussiness, and prefers everything that isn't put away properly to be at right angles. He will straighten magazines that I put on the coffee table and everything.

The messiest room I've ever been in, one that actually made my eyes water because it looked like a laundromat had exploded in it, was a female friend's at uni.

I wish there was a way to filter out posters like this.

@KateDelRick Do you really think it is only OP's dh is like this, or is your sole mission this morning to make her feel awful, while giving yourself an ego boost? I seriously doubt you've got such a great dh, if this post is indicative of your empathy levels.

@Bananaramallamakarma you state that you are not his mother but it doesnt sound much like you are his wife either!!! he is only in his 40's so you also must be relatively young! why are you living like flatmates rather than husband and wife, sharing a bed????

During my working days, I noted that as many single women lived in a mess. It was never a scientific study but it was what I saw. It was often the kitchen that was a big mess for the women and the men it was their bedroom if memory serves me well

IMO, the less you have the easier it is to keep the place tidy.

My DH is very clean but messy. His office at home is chaotic but he insists there's order. He's not dirty though - he hates grime and dust.
My teenage daughter on the other hand! Her room is unhygienically dirty.

I'm a man and my marriage is similar but in reverse with a messy wife who sleeps in a pig sty of a room, bed often doesn't even have sheets on it properly and rarely changed. I moved into the spare room because I couldn't bear it. Not ideal. However, we both strongly suspect that untreated ADHD is the source of the issue for my wife. She isn't lazy or unclean. Just disorganised in an extreme way. I am hoping she will deal with it eventually by seeking support from professionals. Could something similar be going on with your husband?

My ex was like this. Just didn’t seem to notice dust and quite happy to have his office very disorganised.

I used to go in and clean periodically, but after he thought I was responsible for him losing an envelope of tiny watch parts, I stopped.

But I agree it can be women as well who don’t see mess and dirt.

i think it’s even more common with women.

My sister has a flat in a horrible state.

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Maybe I've been unlucky but the only people I know that have been like this are men.

I sometimes wonder if my DH can even see dirt and dust. It's grim. Never wipes sides down properly, just scoops crumbs into his hands and throws them into the sink getting them all over the floor in the process. Never wipes the floor after the kids have eaten leaving crumbs and cereal all over the floor.

When he hoovers he doesn't move things, just hoovers round them!

He also doesn't hoover alongside the skirting board because he can't be bothered to change the hoover attachment. Drives me mad. And when I tell him that do things properly I'm moaned at for nagging him or I'm called unappreciative of the things he is doing🙄.

Not a male thing, it's a messy person thing. My sister in law lives in exactly the same way.

Is his messiness the reason you don’t share a bedroom, OP?

DP is very messy - one reason why we don’t live together - but doesn’t mind cleaning
I’m very tidy but hate cleaning so only dust when it begins to annoy me

My boyfriend does most of the housework and keeps the place spotless. He did this when he lived alone too. He is clean and hygienic and much tidier than me. I couldn’t live with someone like your DH

I doubt it's more common in women at all. It's just more common to notice and condemn it in women, because they are both held to a higher standard and more likely to be held accountable for any domestic failings than men. Whereas with men they get the benefit of the doubt 'is it a man thing?' (that their biology somehow might predispose them to) or worse, they get excused because its clearly their mother's fault. Mothers who apparantly cause this whether they do too much, thus spoiling them, or too little thus failing to demonstrate what a clean home should look like.
I think its a personality trait that's not tied to sex, but tends to be more commonly seen in men because they are less likely to bother about being judged/shamed for their domestic standards, so indulge rather than address it.

@Bananaramallamakarma I don't think it's specific to men but I do think it's to do with how they grew up.

If my DH had his own room, I bet he'd never change the sheets. We moved in with his parents for 4 months after his house sold and we couldn't find anywhere to move to. The bathroom was SO disgusting that I had to scrub it before putting DS in it! The carpets were caked in dog hair etc...

My DH just doesn't seem to see the dirt - our kitchen floor and the walls are permanently muddy from HIS dogs, and I spend my life scrubbing them as I hate it. It gives me the ick. But he DOES keep his car immaculate and moans if the kids put foot marks on the back of the seats.

His sister and brother's houses are also disgusting, not to mention their cars.

ExDP is like your DH. Not sure it's particularly a man thing though. It's just a CF thing.

My husband and I are both super messy, so the piles of clothes are definitely a feature in our bedrooms. We used to clean ok-ish (my husband cleaning skills are very poor, even when he really really tries! But it's like he can't see the dirt...).

Now with 2 kids under 3, there is no chance either of us would do any cleaning whatsoever, we already struggle to keep up with the mess.
That's why we have a cleaner! She is brilliant, she does all that stuff for us, it's the best use of £30 ever!

And I agree that it's not a male/female thing. Some of my exes where super clean and tidy, some of girl friends are as messy as myself.

Also our bedroom is by far the worst room in the house. We go there in the evening, think we need to tidy but it's too late so we go to bed, then leave in the morning and completely forget about it and the cycle repeats.

If there is mess in the living rooms we will constantly see the mess and eventually clear it.

Fuck no. Sorry.

But does she tidy too? Mine doesn't

Dh is v clean and tidy. Does a big kitchen tidy and clean most evenings. We also have separate bedrooms and both of us have a bit a clutter but neither are dirty. He changes bedsheets maybe every 2-3 weeks whereas I do mine every week

DH is a blend of messy as fuck but very anal about other things. He is obsessed with loading the dishwasher a certain way. Yet, will think it's ok to not put clothes in a washing basket.
This morning, I found a dirty plate under the sofa. It was him because he is the only person who eats skewers. I took a photo of it (inspired by another recent thread) and sent him it. I didn't just post the pic on its own with no words, as didn't want to look too passive aggressive. He replied with "oh no." 🤔 I'm tempted to put it on his pillow.

In college i had quite a few female roommates that were nasty like this. they would let the dishes pile up in the sink and spread to the countertops. they put their cigarette butts out in anything available - bowls, plates, food, soda cans, candle holders. they never cleaned the bathrooms, hair all over the floor, tub black with dirt, toilet so nasty i couldn't sit on it. they rarely washed their clothes but would wash their hair daily 😂 In each situation I had to move out into my own space. However I would go and visit the guys rooms/apartments and they were always tidy, made the women look like absolute slobs. (which they were)

I have female friends who live in a constant mess. I am not sure it is a sex based thing. Some people just do not see/do not get annoyed by mess. Obvious solution if you can afford it, is to get a cleaner.